Thursday, 18 April 2019

17/04/19 Replicas (2018)

In what is possibly cinema's most ambitious piece of casting, Keanu Reeves plays a polymath scientist who accidentally kills his family after forgetting how brake pedals work.

Rather than being particularly upset, or hitting the town as a newly single man, Johnny Utah PhD instead decides to drop a few flesh-eggs into bubbling vats of birthing jelly and grow himself a replacement clone family.

All well and good, but I hope he knows what he's doing. I once tried to grow some carrots and they came out oddly shaped and stumpy. I'm guessing that growing a new human is possibly a little more complex than a brightly coloured root vegetable. Dunno, I'm sure Professor Ted 'Theodore' Logan knows his stuff.

Things seem to go fairly well, and Dr. John Wick takes delivery of some freshly made family members. He then puts all their memories back in place using magic wire hats.

Apart from bad memories, which Senior Lecturer Neo Matrix manages to locate and delete from his family's digitally stored mindbrains using some form of Google Memory search engine. Of course.

Anyway, there's also a robot, some gunfights and yet more utterly bumhole science and eventually flops into a predictable ending.

To watch as a film, it's piss-poor, to watch with chums and rip the piss out of, it's a bit of a gem.

Whoa, dude/10

"We can finally be together. Kiss me, kiss me like you've never kissed any other sac of fluid."

"Is it Tuesday? What's for dinner? Are you my nurse?"

Japanese vending machines are taking the piss now.

"Don't be smart mouthing me, boy! I'll swim over there and show you the pimp side of my hand!"

"I'm gonna send a tweet to Boris Johnson and tell him what a pork-faced cunt he is."

"Bill and Ted's Bogus Accident"

"I don't care if you go to the ends of the Earth! I only need one more giant button to complete my collection. Find it!!!"

"Not now, I'm busy being science!"

Keanu and his bowl had many adventures together.



Wednesday, 17 April 2019

16/04/19 A Dark Place (2018)

A young boy is found dead in a stream at the edges of a small town. A local, educationally stunted man suspects there's something more to the story than the official explanation of a tragic drowning. With a poor understanding of the world, but a shy bravery, he looks into it and finds himself descending into a spiral of secrets and dark deeds.

A British film with a mostly Irish main cast, filmed and set in the US sounds like a recipe for a mess, but it's fucking brilliant. Andrew Scott who plays the intrepid Donald is bloody excellent.
It's rare that someone can play a character with learning difficulties as subtly, sympathetically and, most important, realistically as he does in this.

I hope this film is widely seen.

10/10 (It should be a 9/10 due to one fairly naff cliche, but as I imagine it'll pass under the radar for most, I'll give it a full house)

14/04/19 Ant Man (2015)

What is it about short blokes always thinking they can fight everyone?

14/04/19 Chuck Norris Vs. Communism (2015)

I bet Adam Curtis shat himself with tofu-scented rage when someone got to do this story before him.

"This is the story of how the humble VHS tape, and the modest bravery of some black marketeers, brought down an oppressive dictatorship" He would say at the start of the film, and then talk a lot more, throw in some interesting facts and play lots of grainy, barely relevant archive footage of buildings and cars.

But, well, this kinda IS the story of how some scratchy pirate films, black marketeer bravery and a movement of people getting fucking fed-up with being treated like shit by their 'leaders' led to the downfall of an oppressive dictatorship.

And it's fucking superb! See it.


12/04/19 The Wind (2018)

Men always bravely battle supernatural forces and overcome terrible odds to emerge victorious.

Women are never sure if something is actually supernatural or just their silly lady-minds playing tricks on them.

Beautifully shot, well acted, derivative and dull.

10/04/19 The Silence (2019)

Netflix meeting. 2018.

"Remember how A Quiet Place was the biggest film in cinemas last year?"


"And how it wasn't actually THAT amazing, but everyone wanked themselves blue over it?"


"And then we released a cover version called Bird Box where Sandy Bollock put a bag on a kid's head and went rafting?"


"And everyone thought that was also cocking fantastic. For some reason."


"Well! How about we water down the formula once again, make the characters as dull as possible, the explanation of the global plight embarrassingly unlikely and chuck in a few human baddies with motives and methods that are laughably illogical?"



10/04/19 A vigilante (2018)

Woman batters the wank out of some fellas who deserve it.