21/07/12 Wild Bill (2011)

The 27th British film we've seen recently with the actor Neil Maskell in it. I bet he's a lovely fellow in real life and nothing like the gobshite pieface he plays in every film. Having said that, he did show some range in Kill List, which is flippin' ace.

Anyway, in this, a guy gets out of prison and goes back to London to be ignored by his sons, avoid the local crims and eventually get in a fight.

The film's loaded with geezer cliches and the story itself isn't original, but it's done very, very well and highly recomended.

8.5/10
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1795702/

Perkin.

21/07/2012 Terminal Error (2002)

Unlikely technology-goes-mad film with a dodgy grasp of the concepts of computer viruses, physics, acting and plausibility.  A techie's son inadvertently infects a software company's mainframe with an MP3 track containing a virus.  The MP3 was given to him by a known mad genius megageek (who happens to be a disgruntled ex-employee with a massive grudge against the boy's father; somehow the kid did not link these facts) and inexplicably infects unrelated devices such as lights in other buildings and petrol pumps, despite these items not being networked.

Highlights are the company's Stephen Hawkin-esque wheelchair bound boss, the virus' outrageous artificial intelligence and a hilarious plummeting lift scene which sees the occupants suspended in mid-air by G force.

2/10 for film, 7/10 for entertainment

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0283542/

Podd

17/07/12 Identical (2011)

Silly film with shite twist about a man who wears glasses, another one who doesn't and some woman who gives 'em both one. ...Or does she!?

You'll have to never bother watching it to not find out.

One of the fellas reads poetry in a wild hipster beatnick club. What a wanker.

Bumwater.

Usual stuff about low budget allowances applies and we've certainly seen much worse, but the characters were unlikeable and the twist was tedious.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1748051/
2.5/10

Monday: I looked in a ladies ear. It were great! She didn't scream or anything!

Tuesday: I stared at a man in a hat. I am uncertain how I felt about it.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I practiced having a face. Yay!

Saturday: I got lucky! She was an older man.

Sunday:  More face practice, today I mastered 'sideways surprise'. Goodbye.

Perkin.

16/07/12 Born To Raise Hell (2010)

Global embarrassment Steven Segal  is in this film, he goes over to Eastern Europe to shoot people over something or other. He's probably angry at the film's massively generic title. Could've just as easily called it Born To Paint Elbows or Born to Wear Slippers for all the plot relevance it has.

A lot of it is filmed using a desaturation/sepia filter that gives Segal's head the curious appearance of a swollen orange scrotum.

He has a sex scene in this, which is funny as he's such a fat cunt these days he keeps that long leather jacket he wears for everything on during it. I remember seeing an interview with him on Video View (long forgotten film review show) where he spoke about the immorality of sex scenes, whereas all the scenes in his films where he kicks people brains off are obviously fine.

Also, if I was the gayest man in history, having just got back from forty years in a dickless space-box (like General Zod's in Superman 2) and upon my return to Earth I was offered a night of bumsexual fun with him, I'd be all about the tits instantly.

His music is hilarious as well. It's like someone threw a guitar and tape recorder into the special ward.

Anyway, awful man, terrible film.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1528718/
1/10

A genuine still from the film.

Also:

L.O.L!

Perkin.

15/07/12 Ted (2012)

Seth McFarlane's film about a sweary toy. If you like his cartoons, you'll like this. Utterly predictable but some great dialogue makes it well worth a go.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1637725/
7/10

Perkin.

14/07/12 21 Jump Street (2012)

Starts off much funnier than we expected, then runs out of jokes and ends an hour later. Meh.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1232829/
5/10

Perkin.

12/07/12 Badlands (1973)

Blah, blah, blah, Malick, magic hour, vistas, romance etc.

Anyway, that's the usual ol' wank that people shit on about covered, on to the important stuff:

Martin Sheen looks incredibly short in this. Proper small, like someone has glued his head on a baby or something.

Spacek's voiceover is really fucking annoying. Makes you want to slap her character in the eyeball.

Spacek is a very odd name.

Acting's pretty good.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069762/
5/10

Perkin.