06/07/15 Stung (2015)

Some wealthy people have a party, giant killer wasps arrive and spoil it.

I'm with the wasps, fuck the rich!

After a good start it sorta lost steam and just bimbled to a close.

Still, if you like the creature features, it's better than many of 'em and the (mostly practical) effects are impressive.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3300572/

6.4/10

Perkin.

06/07/15 Skin Trade (2014)

Dolph Lundgren pretends it's 1987 and spends 90 minutes shooting people. The little fella from Ong Bak gives him a hand.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1641841/

4/10

Perkin.

05/07/14 Jurrassic Park (1993)

In 200 million years time, there will probably have a theme park where the future rulers of earth (probably mutated cockroaches or massive jellyfish) have used DNA from our current times to create a small colony of humans that they can go an observe and marvel at how  basic and shit we are.  I think it'll be called 'World of Cretins'.

Cockroach jellychildren will be able to purchase fried beef in the shape of plasma TVs to throw into our habitats whilst wondering why we choose the least able as our leaders.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107290/

7/10 (Podd's score, I didn't watch it)

Perkin.

05/07/15 Demon Baby (2014)

Mini-budget film about a pair of young people going away for the weekend in Scotland. The lady-person is pregnant. She also sees strange ghost-like apparitions and hears creepy noises.

Bad enough, but I'd much rather deal with spectres than some mewling womb-potato. Speaking as a former child, I say with some authority that they're horrid little bastards and should be kept in a box until they're 25. Occasionally coming out for meals and daylight. A bit like a big, pink Blue Peter tortoise or something.

With such a strong paternal instinct, it may surprise you to discover I'm not a father. If I was, I wouldn't have time to watch all this old shit, or stay up to 3am on the Playstation. Which is much better than having some angry, crayon-midget, who shit themselves five times a day and then demand you buy them everything.

Fucking hell, read the above, I'm enough of a selfish, needy twat as it is, this house definitely doesn't need rapid moving mini versions of me to make it worse.

Although I suppose it could inherit my laziness and just sit there like some sort of gurgling flesh-cup waiting to have milk poured into it then being content to sleep most of the time.

So, it is decided, my theoretical child will be a soft-willed lactovore, who will develop an appreciation of crap films, Playstation games, masturbation, blended whisky, crisps and writing anti-social nonsense on a barely read blog four decades after it flops into this world.

Sounds like quite an awesome person after all.

Oh yeah, the film.

It's actually about the woman's descent into mental wobblyness rather than the demonic status of her unborn skin-nugget. It's low budget and the edges could do with sharpening, but the acting was better than expected, particularly Carina Birrell who was the troubled mum-to-be, the camera made great use of the beautiful locations and the story has a greater depth and maturity than the silly title would suggest.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3137732/

6.5/10

02/07/15 Patriot Games (1992)

Indiana Deckard goes on holiday and kills Sean Bean's younger brother. Rare to see an American film portray the IRA as murderous villains rather than honourable, funtime leprachauns. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105112/

5.8/10

Perkin.

01/07/15 Day Of The Jackal (1973)

The French version of UKIP hire an English chap to shoot a melon.

That's pretty much the plot taken care of. The two things that stuck with me were how brilliantly stiff and hammy some of the acting is and the real-life assassination attempt on DeGaulle that's dramatised at the beginning of the film. A team of nationalists, armed with machine guns, shot at the presidential car as drove slowly past. The car was hit 127 times yet no one was injured.

Applying Occam's Razor, we can only conclude that French bullets have a build quality and reliability comparable to their cars.

'The new Citroen Penetrator. A bullet designed for the sportsman in the field. Made from a compound of lead, cheese and snail, it is dipped in a baguette before being coated in wine and left to set atop a decorative beret. The roughly cuboid shape, although not traditional or blessed with a significant ballistic impact, ensures maximum entertainment value for any spectators present'.

Carla Bruni, though. Bit of a result for that little gnome fella who married her.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069947/

8/10

Normal size book, very tiny man.

I have a craving for KFC. Not sure why.

Tragically Phillip died during the production of this film.

However his brother, Wilson, went on to great acclaim in Castaway.

"Hang on, this plane is French? Fuck that, I'll walk."

The French army's hiking regiment, world leaders in the art of retreating under fire.

No landscape on earth can prevent these elite troops from running like fuck in the

opposite direction.

Presenting his shaft for inspection.

01/07/15 Desperado (1995)

Antonio Banderas's traditional Spanish guitar is secretly full of guns, knives and bombs. Considerably less painful to encounter than hearing those bastard things get played.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112851/

6.2/10

Perkin.