20/08/15 Full Circle (2013)

Some idiot who delivers pizzas for a living finds a bag full of money that is related to crime stuff. He does what anyone would and keeps it. Memory's a bit vague, but I think we quite enjoyed this.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2375037/

7/10

Perkin.

19/08/15 Cop Car (2015)

Two children steal a cop car that they find out in the sticks. Unfortunately it belongs to Kevin Bacon's dodgy sheriff and so he goes after them to get it back.

Did you know that in Spain, Kevin Bacon is known as Murillo Jambon. In Germany it's Hans Speck. Italy its Vespa Pancetta. Among the vast numbers of Esperanto speakers, he's known as Nivek Lardo.

Not really.

Anyway, unusually for children either in a film or real life, the two kids in this are actually likeable, and the film's a good 'un.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3813310/

8/10

Perkin.

18/08/15 FPS: First Person Shooter (2014)

The first ten minutes of this, I was thinking "Yeah, this is fun. It's captured what I really enjoy about playing FPS games well, especially in the dialogue, very vintage Duke Nuke 'em"

After thirty minutes I was wondering if perhaps it might've worked better as a short film or high-end YouTube effort.

After an hour I wanted everyone to shut up and go home.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3530830/

3.5/10

18/08/15 Alarmed (2014)

Some young lady goes away on a boat, the same one that her family got murdered on or something. There's suspicion that she was involved in the murders at some level. Anyway, there's some ghosts or suchlike on the boat and something that looks like a microwave keeps telling her to cut her fingers off.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4205920/

4/10

Perkin.

14/08/15 Lawless (2012)

Film about some bootleggers during prohibition and the people who want to stop them. All things are where they should be but none of the characters are particularly likeable.

That'll do. Can't be bollocksed to type more about it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1212450/
5/10

Perkin.

11/08/15 The Last Dragon (1985)

Silly old nonsense about an ethnically confused young fellow who seeks a mystical producer of fortune cookies, a midget mobster/arcade owner with a wannabe pop star wife, and a local street gang who dress like the very gayest of Eurovision acts with a leader called Sho'Nuff.

One of those good old fashioned kids films where violence solves everything.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089461/
Not got a clue/10

Undoubtedly William H. Macy's finest moment.

Very threatening. Not gay*

*Gay.

I meditate just like this before writing these reviews.

Nah, not really, I just type whatever old shit falls out.

"Looking good, Terry. Been hittin' the weights?"

"Nah, just the butter."

I won't go into another boring drone about how crap the '80s were.

They weren't fun, just embarrassing and shit.

The inspiration for Apple's 'Siri' feature. But less shit.

"Sausages?"

"Agreed."

Perkin.

10/08/15 Body Melt (1993)

People online claim this is a little seen gem with excellent horror effects and some clever satire. 

Never trust the internet.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106450/

4/10

Collins disapproves of Clegg's pyjamas.

They look happy, don't they? Good for them.

The Neighbours episode 'Harold's Meltdown' never got broadcast. 

Shame, he really fucks some shit up.

Perkin.