--/03/16 The Survivalist (2015)

Some years after an unspecified apocalyptic event a chap with crap dreadlocks is living in a shed in Ireland. He spends his days robbing dead bodies, tending to his allotment and wanking into a potplant. Bit like how I imagine retirement is for many.

One day a mother and daughter happen upon his shack and they strike a deal where in exchange for some of his meagre food supplies, can have sex with the daughter rather than the daffodils. Something, something, planting a seed etc.

They don't really trust each other, but manage to form a shaky bond. Other people occasionally turn up and rather than forming further sex pacts, it all gets a bit killy. Then it ends.

It's good but not exceptional, the reviewers, however, seem to be wanking all over it as if it was the worlds sexiest pot of cress.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2580382/

6.2/10

Perkin.

--/03/16 Harry Price: Ghost Hunter (2015)

TV film about real life spook peeper although the makers invented some things and pretended he done that instead of the numerous much more film-worthy stuffs he was actually involved in.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4974584/

Meh/10

Perkin.

16/03/16 Point Break (2015)

Achieves the impressive by making the original seem like a mature, thoughtful film with a credible plot and brilliant performances.

Acting: you could draw a face on a balloon, pin it to a shirt and achieve something similar.

Ray Winstone's accent: Starts of as bad American, then, literally, half way through one scene, he gives up and becomes the same Cockney wanker he's been for forty years.

West 'Am, Chas & Dave, Pint of lager, a black eye for Shirley, gawd bless the Krays etc.

Dialogue: Possibly scripted by some form of moderately sentient potato.

Directed by a guy called Ericson Core. A mobile phone directed this film?

A plot about a bunch of eco-extremists who attain spiritual enlightenment via a series of 8 extreme sports challenges and try and save the planet by leaving possibly the biggest carbon footprint ever created by a small group of people and singuarly depleting the remaining supplies of fossil fuels by a significant amount:

"My brethren, we shall save the planet?"

"How?"

"First we shall drive our massive off road vehicles to where we have stored or endless collection of powerful two-stroke motorbikes, which we shall then ride to the dock. Upon arrival, we shall each take a powerboat out to a massive luxury yacht so we can drink champagne and listen to loud, dull music."

"Will there be women there?"

"Yes, but they shall be forgettable and poorly written."

"Excellent! By the way, all you tattoos are really wank"

"Indeed!"

In conclusion, this is awful and a good reminder as to why I prefer watching low budget shit that knows it's shit rather than high budget shit that pretends it isn't.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2058673/

1/10

Cunts.

Perkin.

15/03/16 The Exorcism Of Anna Ecklund (2016)

Andrew Jones' 54th film of the year, (it's obviously been a slow one so far) using the same cast and crew as his previous 800 or so. 

Like the other Andrew Jones films I've seen, Lee Bane is the best thing in it, the guy's a really solid actor. The film itself is mostly forgetably generic and derivative but does have an almost interesting ending.

However, as I say with tedious regularity on here, I'd rather watch a cheap film that tries hard than an expensive one that doesn't care. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3564860/

4.85/10

Perkin.

14/03/16 Omen 3: The Final Conflict (1981)

Sam Neill plays Damien Thorne. A man who, judging from this film, is 50% evil 50% ham, like some form of untrustworthy sandwich.

S'alright if you're in the mood for such nonsense.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082377/#

5/10

Perkin.

12/03/16 Wither (2012)

Some European teens, from Finmark or Swegium or somewhere, stay in a cabin in the woods and it all goes very bollock-shaped when things turn a bit possessed zombie.

Described by numerous people as a near-remake of the first Evil Dead film, when you watch it you feel that's a pretty fair comment. If you like that, you'll probably enjoy this.

One part made us laugh, the first teen, a slightly-built girl, has just become possessed, she's attacked a friend upstairs and has made her way downstairs where her friends open an internal door to see her.

Without, surely, having any idea that his friend, the 90lb female, is possessed by evil, and is, presumably, covered in her own blood after some horrific accident, a large muscular male youth doesn't pause to ask after her well-being but instantly starts punching her repeatedly in the face.

Fucking hell, mate. Don't ever become a paramedic.

I dunno, maybe that's just a form of greeting in Norland or Germaly.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2140671/

7/10

Perkin.

11/03/16 Road Games (2015)

The best thing about this film set in contemporary France is the Rover P6 that one of the characters drives. If you're as terminally dull as me, you'll be mildly disappointed to note that it's the 2200 SC rather than a TC or, best of all, a V8.

I have had sex, honest.

Anyway, France, tourist, muderist loony killing hitchhikers, possibly a twist ending but interest had diminished enough not to be taking notice by then.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2929652/

4.9/10

Perkin.