31/03/15 Odds Against Tomorrow (1959)

Vintage heist flick. Normally I'd do some screen caps with shit, unfunny captions, but it's late and I can't be arsed. Watch the film and do your own or something.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053133/
7.2/10

Perkin.

30/03/15 The Barber (2014)

Is he a kindly old barber in a small town, or is he a lunabonk murder mental? Watch the film and find out. Or ask someone who's seen it. Or read a plot summary online. Such choices.

Actually worth a watch though.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2194826/
7.2/10

Perkin.

29/03/15 End Of Days (1999)

An interesting supernatural thriller, cunningly disguised as a terrible action film.

Gabriel Byrne is excellent though.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0146675/
5/10

Perkin.

29/03/15 Nightlight (2015)

Blair With cover version that starts strong then all gets a bit meh.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2236160/
5/10

Perkin.

29/03/15 Johnny English Reborn (2011)

Rowan Bean is directed by Peloquin in ho-hum chuckle-flick.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1634122/
4.4/10

Perkin.

28/03/15 Zombie Resurrection (2014)

Load of old bum.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2267454/
3/10

Perkin.

28/03/15 Skin Traffik (2015)

I'll whizz through these remaining 'Plops as I wanna ensure they get listed under the correct month. Really important for a stupid film blog with three or four occasional viewers.

The guy who directed/produced this has made a string of mini-budget action films, (with the modesty of a pocket money Hitchcock, normally casting himself) the general quality reflecting the cheapness, but you pretty much know what you're gonna get.

Yeah, it's shit, but there's probably many more dishonest ways to pass the time.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3120960/
4.5/10

Perkin.

27/03/15 The Haunting Of 24 (2005)

Nothing to do with Keifer Sutherland or any of that. Guy moves into a grubby rented room in a big spooky house. Has a haunted picture of a man in a hat and some people trapped in a TV or something.

Currently watching this as I type. A blip above average so far.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486614/
Spooky house/10

Perkin.

27/03/15 Kill Me Three Times (2014)

One of those multiple-plot-lines-that-converge-at-the-end type things that were massively popular in the '90s.

Nothing amazing, but enjoyable enough and ends well.

Well that was a boring review wasn't it? I'll put in these random pictures to liven it up.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2393845/

6.4/10

Perkin.

26/03/15 Robot Overlords (2014)

Bloody robots, coming over here and being all overlordy.

Very decent kids film that is well worth a go even if you're no longer a kid.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2145829/
7.5/10

Perkin.

24/03/15 Bloodless (2014)

Mini-budget Brit horror about a bunch of bad actors who agree to live in a castle for a month and guinea-pig some new medicine. Turns out the people who invited them there have other things in mind. Evil things.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil things!!!

Anyway, it's total Eartha Kitt until the last twenty minutes when, surprisingly, it turns into a pretty good little monster flick, enough so to win me over and give an approving nod.

You wouldn't know as you wasn't there to see me nod, but I totally did.

Originally called Blood Lust.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1645184/
5.5/10

Perkin.

24/03/15 Focus (2015)

Ever notice how Will Smith does two types of films?
The first type are the serious ones where he doesn't smile and normally has a bad disease or something, the other ones are where he talks quickly, drives a fast car and appears to live in some cretinous shiny world of bollocks.

This is the second type. It's shit.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2381941/
3.75/10

Perkin.

23/03/15 Summer's Moon (2009)

This film was toilet, so instead have a picture of a Hamster Pub*

"What'll it be, Guv?"

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1285010/

2.8/10

Perkin.

*Maybe a gerbil. Dunno the difference.

21/03/15 Spring (2014)

More a romance film with some horror, than a horror film with some romance although enough of both to satisfy fans of either.

I thought the last film from the Writer/directors, Resolution, was a steaming coil of boring, and went into this expecting more indy hipster dullery. Pleased to say I was very wrong and this flick's excellent!

A troubled Yank lad realises that he has nothing to keep him in his home town, or even country, and so decides to jump on a plane and find a better life in Italy. He spends some time getting drunk with some Brits (well, we're good at it) then finds a job on a farm gathering up apples or something. He meets a young lady, and they rapidly fall for each other. Only problem is, she's a little different to most. To say anything more would give too much away, but I promise you this is very good.

The acting and script are sharp, the locations mesmerizing, the humour's excellent and the speech at the end, summarising the beauty, fragility and brevity of life is as good as I've seen in anything.

Excellent.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3395184/
10/10

Perkin.

20/03/15 Backcountry (2014)

Backcountry sounds like where you do a poo from.

Yes, I'm supposedly a grown-up and I wanted to type that. LOL etc.

Anyway, this is one of those films where a couple go on a camping trip and it all goes a bit bollock shaped. Unlike most, it's actually very good. A bit like an updated version of the '70s film Long Weekend, but with more bear.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2944198/
8.8/10

Perkin.

20/03/15 Cape Fear (1991)

Some people think this film's shit. I think it's cracking entertainment. It's the one where Travis LaMotta has silly tattoos and speaks funny.


 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101540/
8/10

Perkin.

20/03/15 No Tears For The Dead (2014)

Korean film about a guy who's good at damaging/killing people and the mother of one of his victims.

Apparently Korean people like to sing Irish folk songs. Must be due to the large Irish-Korean community.

Seamus O'Kim, yesterday.

Anyway, the dubbing is atrocious, the acting wobbly and the story derivative, however, the action stuff is excellent in that punchy/shooty/slicey way.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3697566/

6/10

Perkin.

19/03/15 A Cry From Within (2014)

Amateurish but watchable haunted house pic.

But anyway, here's a picture of a blade of grass under a microscope. Grass turns out to be quite happy with its grassy existence.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2606614/

5.4/10

Perkin.

18/03/15 Night Of The Demon (1957)

A big sausage of nonsense about a man with a pointy beard who can summon a big puppet and some logical chain-smokers who don't believe that he can.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050766/
Sausage/10

Bet she is! Fnar! Etc.

*Sigh*

"Would you like to buy a painting of my balls?"

"Er...Actually, yes."

"Have laptops been invented yet?"

"No."

"Fuck it! This must be a book then."

Britain was far less populated back then which allowed us to create bigger houses for everyone. This chap is returning home to his modest two bedroom terrace.

"Do you like my shed?"

"No, it's small and shit."

"Five-way, then?"

"Hello? May I order a pizza?"

"Surprisingly, yes."

Abandoned as a baby, the stones raised him as one of their own.

Lane discipline wasn't much of a thing back then.

Look at those hotties! It's like the original version of that film 'Coyote Ugly'.

Perkin.

18/03/15 Monsters: Dark Continent (2014)

Dull sequel to the fucking tedious original.

Ooh! Isn't war brilliant/hell!? But also there's occasional Octopus-tree space monsters. It's like a really clever metaphor for Iraq/Afghanistan/space wars. Or definitely something.

Well acted  and visually impressive but pointless shite that reaches for profundity but achieves wank.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1935302/
5/10

Perkin.

17/03/15 A Most Violent Year (2014)

Look at us acting! Look, damn you! We're doing so much acting that we're almost shitting awards.

A man buys a factory and some people try and steal some trucks from him.

The moral of the story seems to be 'Be a good person if you can, but never forget money is the most important thing in life'.

Which can fuck off as far as I'm concerned.

Not the 'be good' bit, that's OK.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2937898/

5/10

Perkin.

17/03/15 The Hybrid (2014)

Better than we expected film about some mercenaries who are sent into some secret experiment tunnels to find some young folk who are half human, half space rock.

Apparently some years ago a meteorite fell onto Russia or Poland or somewhere, and it contained DNA so some nutty doctor injected it into some embryos to create the hybrid(s) of the title. 

The boy and girl spaceboulder people have since done a full rude and by time the mercenaries get there, she's expecting a pebble. The delivery goes a bit wonky, the manrock decides this has made him grumpy and chooses to escape, killing quite a few people on the way out.

This is much better than my sarcasm suggests. Although the 'military team discover a bio-weapon' thing has been done more times than I've had crisps (I do like crisps), this one is well made and isn't just people with guns walking down corridors which most films of this type. The acting's good enough, the effects are impressive, and thankfully fairly subtle, and the (unlikely) story is played out well enough to not be laughable.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2798456/

7.84/10

Perkin.

--/03/15 The Trollenberg Terror (1958)

Also called The Crawling Eye. Which kinda gives away what the monster that's been killing people in a mountain resort looks like. A big Octopus/Eye hybrid. Made of cardboard.

British people who aren't children might recognise Warren Mitchell, best known for playing Alf Garnet. When this film was made, he was 32 years old. Seriously, this is him, on the left, at thirty-two years old, on the pull with a mate who's probably in his mid-twenties:

I assume he's supposed to be playing older, but blimey, he had a tough paper round!

Anyway, the film's silly old arse about some giant monster eyeballs killing people up a mountain. That's probably enough to tell you if it appeals.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052320/

5.7/10

"Me? Bobble hat. You wearing the leather ear-tits?"

"Sure am, buddy!"

Being a Citroen, this probably fell over or exploded after this scene was filmed.

"Dude! You seen this shit? Watch what they do with that cup!"

"You smell like a puddle!"

"You love it."

Perkin.