Fluffy inoffensive
remake of older fluffy inoffensive film.
Tuesday, 31 October 2017
Good Time (2017)
Some reviewers loved
this, some thought it was painfully overacted, unlikely, overlong tedious
bumwash. They were right.
Arse/10
24 Hours To Live (2017)
Ethan Hawke shoots
lots of people in South Africa.
Handy as that country
has definitely suffered from a lack of strife since its formation.
Wind River (2017)
Professional
squashyface man, Jeremy Renner, helps a lady solve a crime in a snowy part of
America. Probably Florida. Big gunfight at the end. Which if you like
gunfights, is definitely one of the better ones I've seen in a long time. Not
sure the physics were based in reality, but very dramatic stuff.
Atomic Blonde (2017)
A tall lady in silly
clothes kicks the bollocks out of lots of German people in a pretend version of
thirty years ago.
Badder Ben: The Final Chapter (2017)
The third
film in the 'Ben' series. The first was a decent effort. Literally a YouTube
level project done by one fella in his house with impressive coherence and some
good chills.
The
second was weaker and a little boring.
This
one's milking the good will too much. Shame.
That
said, I'd rather sit through a thousand amateur efforts with a little passion
and fun in them, like this, than the huge majority of high budget shite...
Etc., I've said all this before too many times.
The Devil's Toy Box (2017)
Found
footage spook effort. Again, can't remember much.
*Strains
hard*
Nope,
can't recall much at all on this one.
How about
a song instead?
Laa, la
la la la, la la la la, la laaaa!
Hope you
liked it.
Found Footage 3D (2016)
Watched
this after we'd had a rare evening out on the wobble-pop so I can't remember fuck all apart from finding the characters annoying.
Might give it a second try
as reviewers have said it's a good effort.
Still,
film reviewers are full of bollocks, so I'll probably hate it.
Shortwave (2016)
A young
couple who have recently lost their child* become obsessed with cracking the
secrets of a shortwave message code. The closer they get, the more bizarre
events around them become, leading to everything going a bit tits-up by the
end.
*Stop
that shit now, you unimaginative screenwriter pisswand. The whole 'Their life
was perfect on the outside, but the grief of their lost child was tearing them
apart' thing is fucking tired.
Obviously
it happens to some people in real life, I can't even begin to imagine the utter
decimating emotional impact, but film after film after film has done this.
You want
people to hear 'your voice'? Develop one first rather than flopping onto the
matress of cliche.
The Wall (2017)
Some
soldier people in a warzone are caught in the sights of a sniper's rifle and
have to take shelter behind a wall.
Bit of a
spoiler there, but so's the title.
Not bad,
ending's a bit bumular though.
6.75/10
Negative (2017)
Even
after reading the discription for this one, I don't remember it. Must've watched
it though.
It was
either brilliant, shit, or somewhere between. Spin a wheel or something and
decide for yourself then choose the appropriate phrases from below to make up
the review:
'This was
so terrible, I pushed a stick into my eye for sensory relief'
'This
film was so good, I went off in me trousers seven or eight times during the
first viewing'
'S'alright'
1922 (2017)
Thomas
Jane (Oh bollocks) is better than most toilet he acts in (Oh, OK) in this
long-winded tale about a man who murders his wife then is haunted by his
actions. Sort of. Slow moving throughout but by the end it really felt like it
was dragging.
Bad Day For The Cut (2017)
Excellent
(one or two plot contrivances aside) Irish revenge film.
As in the
film's Irish and set in Ireland, not someone performing an 'Irish Revenge'.
Which
would be, er, I dunno? Bashing someone with a leprachaun in a sock?
Apologies
to anyone from Ireland who might read this.
But
that's fucking unlikely considering so few people from anywhere do.
8/10
Reasonable Doubt (2014)
Generic
and predictable but watchable flick about a lawyer who turns a blind eye then
realises he's dropped a bollock when his client gets a bit murdery.
Nice Guy (2012)
Tiny
budgeted film about a respectable everyman chap who bumps into an old friend
who is involved in dodgy criminal underworld stuff. He increasingly becomes
involved in his chum's world leading to all the usual unpleasantness and
realisations that come too late.
7/10
Better Watch Out (2016)
Australians
pretending to be Americans find themselves in a home invasion flick that turns
into something very different, and much better than I was expecting, about a
third in.
7/10
Offerings (1989)
Some
silly nonsense from the '80s about a murdery spazzmo who decides to kill all
those who tormented him as a youngster.
As it was
made in the '80s, and set in the '80s, it'll probably get remade by some '80s
obsessed prick who wasn't even alive back then as so many arseholes are still
so obsessed with that decade. For some reason.
Don't get
me wrong, it wasn't without merit, but for the most part it was very similar to
the times we live in now, but with shitter haircuts and no internet.
I typed a
load more shit to go here, but I deleted it because it's boring and who cares?
The Mechanic (1972)
Charles
Bronson plays a leathery suitcase with a side-line in contract killing. Jan
Michael Airwolf plays his young trainee. Yeah, it's alright. Also has a good
ending.
Cardboard Gangsters (2017)
Low
budget Irish film about some low level criminals and the scrapes they get into.
Bleak but realistic and has a good ending.
War For The Planet Of The Apes (2017)
Ceasar,
Plip-Plop, Kenneth, Doorbell and Woowoo (can't remember all their monkey names,
prob something like that) are back for the final bit about when they fucked off
away from the last humans and built Monkeyworld.
It's
alright, but like all films when another species go up against the humans,
there wasn't nearly enough of the humans getting torn a new arsehole.
Far too
peaceful. I'd love, as I've said before on here, just once to see a film where
us humans encounter a more capable foe and get fucking destroyed.
No third
act where the pluck, bravery and ingenuity saves us from defeat. None of that
cockwash where Will Smith pilots a craft onto the mothership or Jaquin Phoenix
whacks the piss out of some creature with a baseball bat, just complete
annihilation.
As would happen.
I know
I'm comparing angry apes with aliens, but fucking hell, have you seen a
Silverback in real life? Just one of them could twat an entire pub full of
wankers.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Total
shite, but Tom Holland's Spidey is likeable enough to make it actually fun.
Some young person Podd knows went to school with Tom Holland and claims that
it's not an act, he's just a straight-up decent fella. I'll give it the
benefit.
Pretty
decent of me really as I normally want to drop-kick anyone under 30 through a
window.
So well
done, me. I probably deserve most of the recognition for this film's success
with all things considered.
American Made (2017)
Small,
shiny faced man Tom Cruise does things. Fascinating true story turned into a
punishingly bland popcorn flick.
4/10
"24inch inside leg, Sir?"
"That's right, I like to leave room for turn-ups."
The Show (2017)
A film
set in a (presumably) near future where reality TV has crossed one of its few
remaining boundaries and offers big money to those willing to kill themselves
live on air.
It
doesn't have the same satirical bite as the fantastic 2001 film Season 7 The
Contenders, but it does enough to remind the viewer what a fucking dumb world
we appear to be opening the door to.
7/10
Cold Moon (2016)
A small
town spooker that's half decent, half twaddle. Watch it yourself, but try and
stick to the good half.
Gerald's Game (2016)
I own a
Jaguar S-Type. I've wanted a V8 engined car for thirty+ years and over here in
the UK, if you're on limited budget your options are few.
It's got
nearly 300 horsepower and can be comparable to driving a strange combination of
a stately home and a jet fighter. Civilised, relaxing and refined, but also
fast as fuck (by most standards) and allergic to retaining fuel for too long.
I don't
actually like Jags though. I imagine them being factory fitted with a Nigel
Farage autobiography in the glovebox, probably with some cunty title like
'Outsider's Chance' or 'Gobshite Wankfrog', and spending most of its short life
being sat in the car parks of west Surrey golf clubs.
The sort
of thing an Alan Partridge character would purchase in his sixties for weekend
use and the occasional 'blast up to The Costswolds'. Sure you get the idea.
Anyway, if
they're more than a few years old (16 in mine's case) their value, along with
vital mechanical components, seem to fall out of their arse with each journey.
In the year I've owned it, it's spent most of its time sat outside doing
nothing whilst deciding what part I need to waste my next day off trying to fix
and how much of my income I can piss on it that month.
At some
point in this film, an S-Type gets smashed into a tree and mangled to oblivion.
I was tempted to take a screenshot, have it made into a poster and hang it in
front of the car as a warning. Keep fucking with me, and I'll do this, you
four-wheeled ponce.
Also,
'Four Wheeled Ponce' would be another good title for a book if Farage got into
travel writing. The cunt.
That
said, flooring the angry on that thing pedal reminds me I'm alive better than
most things do these days.
Also,
this film's pretty good apart from the last fifteen minutes when it becomes a
big pile of 'Eh?'
Moonlight (2016)
Podd watched this
whilst I was at work. Which is where I am now. One of the benefits of having to
work Sundays is that they're usually pretty quiet which gives me time to tap
away at old crap like this, the fiction I enjoy writing which has an even
smaller readership than this blog, and, indeed, occasionally watch other
rubbish films.
Anyway, dunno if this
one's any good or not. It's about some young fella who has a fondness for other
men.
And their penises.
I'm in my
forties now. I should grow up.
Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story Of Cannon Films (2014)
Done by the same guy
who done the excellent This Ain't Hollywood. Not as good as that, but still
worth a watch.
7/10
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