Tuesday, 31 December 2019
15/11/19 Diary Of The Dead (2007)
Although this is a fun film, I wish George Romero had left the zombie thing alone after 'Day'.
Not just because that, in my humble and unarguably correct opinion, is the best zombie film ever made, but, well, he had nothing to prove.
Dullards can argue whether or not he was the true father of the zombie film (in the modern sense of the the word zombie), but if not, he was certainly the brightest star that everyone followed.
Feels a bit like he dropped a bollock coming back to it.
Anyway, yeah, it's enjoyable. And wherever Romero is now, I hope the doors are locked tight and the windows barred so he can rest easy.
Not just because that, in my humble and unarguably correct opinion, is the best zombie film ever made, but, well, he had nothing to prove.
Dullards can argue whether or not he was the true father of the zombie film (in the modern sense of the the word zombie), but if not, he was certainly the brightest star that everyone followed.
Feels a bit like he dropped a bollock coming back to it.
Anyway, yeah, it's enjoyable. And wherever Romero is now, I hope the doors are locked tight and the windows barred so he can rest easy.
https://newsthump.com/2017/07/17/george-a-romero-probably-dead/
15/11/19 They Look Like People (2015)
Nano-budget effort with a small cast and limited locations, about a fella who reconnects with an old friend and moves into his flat.
The lodger is receiving cryptic, late night phone calls instructing him to prepare for an apocalyptic alien invasion and he's increasingly seeing things that suggest to him the invaders are already here, having arrived by stealth and are assuming our identities.
Is it real, is he better informed than the rest of us about the danger ahead or is he a delusional wingnut with a head full of wrongbrain?
It's actually worth seeing to find out. Although not a classic, it does a very good job and is exactly the sort of reason why we watch so many smalltime, unlikely-to-get-a-derserving-audience films.
Having no money doesn't have to mean having no ideas.
The lodger is receiving cryptic, late night phone calls instructing him to prepare for an apocalyptic alien invasion and he's increasingly seeing things that suggest to him the invaders are already here, having arrived by stealth and are assuming our identities.
Is it real, is he better informed than the rest of us about the danger ahead or is he a delusional wingnut with a head full of wrongbrain?
It's actually worth seeing to find out. Although not a classic, it does a very good job and is exactly the sort of reason why we watch so many smalltime, unlikely-to-get-a-derserving-audience films.
Having no money doesn't have to mean having no ideas.
10/11/19 The Village In The Woods (2019)
Low budget Brit spooker film that plods along OK, offers no major surprises and ends well enough.
5.5/10
5.5/10
10/11/19 Prince Of The City (1981)
Film about a bent copperplod who eventually finds his conscience and starts working to bring down the even bentier peelerfuzz.
Although not bad, I was kind of expecting something more given its high regard, and as a film of its type from the era it was made. Many Yank crime films from back then have a grubby, underlit, unpleasant authenticity to them. This one, although based on a true story, has an absence of peril that gives away its TV film origins.
Not bad, but certainly a bit of a struggle at nearly three hours long.
Although not bad, I was kind of expecting something more given its high regard, and as a film of its type from the era it was made. Many Yank crime films from back then have a grubby, underlit, unpleasant authenticity to them. This one, although based on a true story, has an absence of peril that gives away its TV film origins.
Not bad, but certainly a bit of a struggle at nearly three hours long.
05/11/19 Big Legend (2018)
Make your own innuendo-heavy joke about the title, I can't be bothered.
This is a film about some chap who thinks his girlfriend was killed by a Sasquatch, so goes off hunting Bigfoot in revenge.
Sounds unlikely... Yeti does exactly that.
I shall retrieve my outermost garment and take my leave.
Anyway, my suspicion would be this film was total bumwash, and although seen fairly recently, I can't remember much about it, yet I have a vague memory of it being better than expected.
Dunno, I might watch it again when it's inevitably on The Horror Channel.
This is a film about some chap who thinks his girlfriend was killed by a Sasquatch, so goes off hunting Bigfoot in revenge.
Sounds unlikely... Yeti does exactly that.
I shall retrieve my outermost garment and take my leave.
Anyway, my suspicion would be this film was total bumwash, and although seen fairly recently, I can't remember much about it, yet I have a vague memory of it being better than expected.
Dunno, I might watch it again when it's inevitably on The Horror Channel.
05/11/19 Corporate Animals (2019)
This torturously unfunny bollocks was written by Sam Bain, who's previously written Peep Show, Three Lions, Screen wipe and other decent, genuinely funny stuff.
What the shit happened?
I can only assume the funny stuff was diluted into the tepid, mass-appeal wank that's left by some heavy handed producer insisting that anything even resembling an edge was sanded down into some kind of televisual soft-play area.
Arse.
02/11/19 The Corrupted (2019)
Film about London geezerbloke criminals, dodgy land deals, ex-con attempts at rehabilitation etc.
It's not bad, but you'd be better off watching The Long Good Friday and seeing it done properly.
'Arold Shaaaaaand, Guv.
It's not bad, but you'd be better off watching The Long Good Friday and seeing it done properly.
'Arold Shaaaaaand, Guv.
27/10/19 Body Of Lies (2008)
Political action thriller with all the usual stuff you'd expect in a well made, yet not exactly ground-breaking, film of its type.
Leonardo DiCaprisun is the young fella doing the action stuff in Europe and the Middle-East, whereas Russell Kangarowe plays his Washington based handler.
Kangarowe apparently put on 50lbs for the role. Yeah, righ, "for the role". Bit Jimmy Hill if you ask me.
I reckon he just spent six months watching Neighbours, eating shrimp flavoured ice cream and necking continuous tins of Victoria Bitter before thinking "Fack me, cobber! I better see if I can still fit through the film studio doors."
Anyway, yeah, it's alright.
Leonardo DiCaprisun is the young fella doing the action stuff in Europe and the Middle-East, whereas Russell Kangarowe plays his Washington based handler.
Kangarowe apparently put on 50lbs for the role. Yeah, righ, "for the role". Bit Jimmy Hill if you ask me.
I reckon he just spent six months watching Neighbours, eating shrimp flavoured ice cream and necking continuous tins of Victoria Bitter before thinking "Fack me, cobber! I better see if I can still fit through the film studio doors."
Anyway, yeah, it's alright.
I once went in an Australian themed pub with a friend to try one of these. Must be an Aussie thing as I remember thinking "Yeah, it's beer. Like all the others. S'alright."
25/10/19 Extra Ordinary (2019)
Silly horror comedy which, for the most part, is silly in the positive sense.
7/10
7/10
19/10/19 Fractured (2019)
Man goes to hospital after getting a bump on the head. When he wakes up, he can't find his family.
Oh no!
Or, as the Scottish might say, och noo!
Even though it has a cast that's done well in previous efforts, they can't save this film from being a pile of bum-rubbish with an utterly bollocks, and very predictable, twist.
Or, as the Scottish might say, total bawbag, ye ken?
There ends my attempts at Anglo-Scots diplomacy. Hopefully it's enough to get me a Scottish passport when they inevitably vote to become independent in, my guess, about three year's time. Given the scumfuck parasites in Westminster, you really can't blame 'em.
4/10
17/10/19 Wind River (2017)
Strong sequel to family film 'Breezy Tributary'.
Not really, it's the ace film about rape, murder and eventual, somewhat shooty, justice.
Not really, it's the ace film about rape, murder and eventual, somewhat shooty, justice.
17/10/19 The Boat (2018)
Man goes for boat ride. Thinks he's alone... but is he?!
Worth a watch to find out. Good effort that does well with limited budget, location and cast.
Worth a watch to find out. Good effort that does well with limited budget, location and cast.
16/10/19 The Dead Center (2018)
A Psychiatrist is understandably reluctant to believe a patient's story about having been dead, got a bit better, but returned with some form of dark entity inside him. He looks into the case and things become less certain.
Decent spookflick which builds the creepiness and tension well and has a satisfying ending. Recommended, especially if you like your horror films to be more thinky.
Even if they spell 'Centre' wrong.
7.85/10
16/10/19 Stuber (2019)
Comedy which aims low and hits its target. The cast do what's expected, but I'm struggling to recall anything greatly worthy of merit.
Monday, 30 December 2019
14/10/19 The Art Of Self Defense (2019)
Promoted as a comedy, it almost entirely forgot to include anything amusing. Instead it's like some kinda half-arsed Fight Club.
That can't spell 'defence'.
Meh.
That can't spell 'defence'.
Meh.
14/10/19 Depraved (2019)
Decent indie update of the Frankenstein story.
Good story, well acted, well cast, good ending.
Also written and directed by Larry Fessenden, a 'Plop fave.
7.75/10
Good story, well acted, well cast, good ending.
Also written and directed by Larry Fessenden, a 'Plop fave.
7.75/10
13/10/19 Beyond The Sky (2018)
Low budget effort about people investigating UFO stuff. Pretty decent if I recall. Unexpectedly good effects and weaving of native lore into the UFO thing.
13/10/19 Jaws (1975)
"Yeah?! Gonna bit me in half, are yer? You giant fuckin' goldfish wanker! Come over here and say that."
*Climbs onto dry land*
"Yeah, thought so. Dorsal fin bellend."
10/10
*Climbs onto dry land*
"Yeah, thought so. Dorsal fin bellend."
10/10
13/10/19 Tootsie (1982)
I didn't watch this, Podd did. It's one of her favourite films.
She's a strange lady.
Which also describes the plot of this film.
She's a strange lady.
Which also describes the plot of this film.
Friday, 6 December 2019
11/10/19 El Camino (2019)
Breaking Bad sequel flick that feels a little unnecessary and doesn't really capture whatever it was that made the show so enjoyable.
Not to say it's a bad flick, it's certainly worth a view if you liked the show.
That's an El Camino. Back when pick-ups could be attractive looking vehicles rather than over-sized eyesore shit-boxes parked on the paved frontage of houses with England flags in the windows.
If you own a pick-up. and it's not a work vehicle, there's a high chance you're a prick.
05/10/19 In The Tall Grass (2019)
Family trip goes bollock-shaped when they wander into a time-warping, demonic field of corn.
Starts off well, but sort of disappears up its own corn husk in the final third, turning into a bit of a farm-y version of Event Horizon, but nowhere near as good.
Starts off well, but sort of disappears up its own corn husk in the final third, turning into a bit of a farm-y version of Event Horizon, but nowhere near as good.
05/10/19 In The Shadow Of The Moon (2019)
If you're in the mood for a film about an obsessive copperplod trying to catch a time travelling murderer, then this is a pretty good one.
Wednesday, 20 November 2019
29/09/19 The Day Shall Come (2019)
Chris Morris film that SORELY lacks the satirical edge of pretty much everything else he's ever been involved in.
It's OK, and the final moments offers a genuine social commentary sting, but coming from the guy who made the (still) incendiary Brass Eye, I was hoping for something much more abrasive and confrontational. Shame.
5/10
It's OK, and the final moments offers a genuine social commentary sting, but coming from the guy who made the (still) incendiary Brass Eye, I was hoping for something much more abrasive and confrontational. Shame.
5/10
29/09/19 10 Minutes Gone (2019)
Michael Shield and Bruce Diehard have a competition to see who most resembles a waxed scrotum.
Tough one to call, Shield has the shape and Diehard has the wrinkles.
In case you're wondering how arse-yawningly generic this film is, the poster should tell you everything:
Tough one to call, Shield has the shape and Diehard has the wrinkles.
In case you're wondering how arse-yawningly generic this film is, the poster should tell you everything:
28/09/11 Midsommar (2019)
Imagine and episode of The League of Gentlemen, written by some wanker who insisted all the enjoyable stuff was taken out, and also insisted it dragged on for 2.5 hours.
Up its own arse.
Too long.
Too serious.
Boring.
Up its own arse.
Too long.
Too serious.
Boring.
"The chaps on the rugger team used to drink their own piss as well! Delightful wheeze! Top fellows!"
"Fuck off, Prince Harry, you dick."
Fucking hell, that Mumsnet meet-up got a bit strange.
"Bet I can fit your arm in my mouth. Let me try."
"Please, Papa Filmplop, fail to amuse us with further captions. Praise be to The 'Plop. So mote it be. And whatever other old bollocks rubbish cults in shit films pretend to say."
28/09/19 Between Two Ferns (2019)
Do you need to be American to find this funny?
As a Brit, I thought it was shit.
22/09/19 American Hangman (2019)
Fairly routine, but decent (one terrible actor aside), thriller about a legally wronged young fella who takes a judge hostage and broadcasts the judge's own trial, under the threat of execution, live on the web.
Will the copperplods be able to breadcrumb their way to the location in time to save the old fella?
7/10
Will the copperplods be able to breadcrumb their way to the location in time to save the old fella?
7/10
21/09/19 A Night Of Horror Volume 1 (2015)
Anthology of really crap horror shorts. Doubt I'll bother with Volume 2.
21/09/19 Yesterday (2019)
Young fella gets knocked off his bike just as a brief global blackout strikes. When he wakes up, he is the only person who can remember The Beatles.
They, along with a few other household names/items got wiped from existence during 'The Event'.
So, being a struggling musician, he nicks their songs, releases them as his own and becomes almost as famous as they were.
I'm not a Beatles fan, I think for every truly great song they did, there's an album's worth of bland (early period) or indulgent (later period) wank that I'll happily never hear again, so I was expecting to be indifferent to this. But, pleasingly, the cast are likable, there's some actually funny humour and a Robert Carlyle cameo that I found surprisingly touching.
Also, Podd is a lifelong Beatlehead, so she quickly filled in any blanks for me.
7.5/10
They, along with a few other household names/items got wiped from existence during 'The Event'.
So, being a struggling musician, he nicks their songs, releases them as his own and becomes almost as famous as they were.
I'm not a Beatles fan, I think for every truly great song they did, there's an album's worth of bland (early period) or indulgent (later period) wank that I'll happily never hear again, so I was expecting to be indifferent to this. But, pleasingly, the cast are likable, there's some actually funny humour and a Robert Carlyle cameo that I found surprisingly touching.
Also, Podd is a lifelong Beatlehead, so she quickly filled in any blanks for me.
7.5/10
21/09/19 Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)
Sticky child visits Europe and fights with computer graphics.
16/09/19 The Dead Don't Die (2019)
If this film was a sandwich it'd be smug flavour. Minimal filling between two slices of bland bread. And many sandwich critics would claim it's fantastic when, plainly, it's shit and shouldn't have been made.
Turned it off with only fifteen or so minutes left to go.
2/10
Turned it off with only fifteen or so minutes left to go.
2/10
16/09/19 Haunt (2019)
Some young people go to a haunted house attraction. Turns out there's real murderers there.
The makers of this must be glad they got in there with such an original plot before anyone else done the same thing ten times in the last few years.
The makers of this must be glad they got in there with such an original plot before anyone else done the same thing ten times in the last few years.
Sunday, 17 November 2019
14/09/19 Night Hunter (2018)
In his radio review of this, Mark Kermode opened with "Night hunter, which is a preposterously terrible thriller..."
He could've stopped there, but as he's one of those people who talk about films for a living, he rattled on for another five minutes.
The opening description is entirely fair, but, conversely, is what made us want to see this. Should have just taken his word for it.
2/10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3sd5_OAtT8
In case you wanna hear his thoughts yourself.
He could've stopped there, but as he's one of those people who talk about films for a living, he rattled on for another five minutes.
The opening description is entirely fair, but, conversely, is what made us want to see this. Should have just taken his word for it.
2/10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3sd5_OAtT8
In case you wanna hear his thoughts yourself.
08/09/19 The Furies (2019)
Australian film which is like a cross between Friday the 13th and Battle Royale, but actually better than you'd expect from that description.
No classic, or even greatly memorable, but definitely more fun than the majority of such efforts.
5.95/10
No classic, or even greatly memorable, but definitely more fun than the majority of such efforts.
5.95/10
08/09/19 The Go-Getters (2018)
Ace Canadian comedy about a grubby prostitute and grubbier alcoholic trying to raise the $98 they need to get a bus out of town, away from their stained lives and onto something better at a relative's country home.
Much better than that makes it sound.
8/10
Much better than that makes it sound.
8/10
07/09/19 Satanic Panic (2019)
Silly, enjoyable nonsense about a pizza delivery lady abducted by a cult as a prop for their big ceremony.
Sort of a bit Rosemary's Baby with jokey bits.
Sort of a bit Rosemary's Baby with jokey bits.
06/09/19 Assimilate (2019)
Based on what I say every flippin' day on my drive to work.
*Unlocks car*
*Gets in*
*Starts engine*
*Sees the time*
"Arse, I'm late!"
Oh, what a funny fellow I am.
Anyway, if I remember, this was a half-decent Body Snatchers cover version.
7/10 or something.
*Unlocks car*
*Gets in*
*Starts engine*
*Sees the time*
"Arse, I'm late!"
Oh, what a funny fellow I am.
Anyway, if I remember, this was a half-decent Body Snatchers cover version.
7/10 or something.
06/09/19 John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)
Like the hip young internet folk of fifteen years ago, I'm gonna use a webcomic to review this film. A 'Plop first, here it is:
Seriously, fuck this film and every knuckle-breathing fucking moron who claims it's worth seeing. Utter, utter dogshit.
0/10
Seriously, fuck this film and every knuckle-breathing fucking moron who claims it's worth seeing. Utter, utter dogshit.
0/10
06/09/19 Creature (1985)
Spaceship, alien monster, crew killed, ends.
So many films made in the '80s were set in the future, so many films made now are set in the '80s. I'm the first to call out the bollocks of that decade, and collective false memories we seem to have about it, but at least the films back then were a little more, I dunno, exploratory? Not just in the literal sense in this one's case, being set in space, but films in general seemed to have a greater range of themes?
No, that doesn't sound right either. Level playing field, perhaps? Now, anything that isn't from fucking Marvel Studious or released with huge Netflix promotion seems to get overlooked. Whereas back then, a well placed poster in a VHS rental shop could (locally at least) set a film on fire.
No, not really sure what I'm on about here. Difficult to articulate a vague thought very well. Well, I can't today it would seem.
But, yeah, it's a silly space monster film. If that's your thing, you'll probably like it.
So many films made in the '80s were set in the future, so many films made now are set in the '80s. I'm the first to call out the bollocks of that decade, and collective false memories we seem to have about it, but at least the films back then were a little more, I dunno, exploratory? Not just in the literal sense in this one's case, being set in space, but films in general seemed to have a greater range of themes?
No, that doesn't sound right either. Level playing field, perhaps? Now, anything that isn't from fucking Marvel Studious or released with huge Netflix promotion seems to get overlooked. Whereas back then, a well placed poster in a VHS rental shop could (locally at least) set a film on fire.
No, not really sure what I'm on about here. Difficult to articulate a vague thought very well. Well, I can't today it would seem.
But, yeah, it's a silly space monster film. If that's your thing, you'll probably like it.
06/09/19 Tone-Deaf (2019)
I think this film's trying to make some sorta statement about how generations will always blame each other for the state of the world; the young blaming the old for ruining everything and leaving behind a ruined nation/planet, the old blaming the young for having it too easy and letting standards slip etc.
mostly, though, it's a film about a murdery codger and an annoying, whiney youngster.
I win because they're both shit and I blame them all.
The film's not too bad though.
5.5/10
mostly, though, it's a film about a murdery codger and an annoying, whiney youngster.
I win because they're both shit and I blame them all.
The film's not too bad though.
5.5/10
(Some joke about the T-1000 building a shed or something.)
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