It's OK, and the final moments offers a genuine social commentary sting, but coming from the guy who made the (still) incendiary Brass Eye, I was hoping for something much more abrasive and confrontational. Shame.
5/10
Wednesday, 20 November 2019
29/09/19 The Day Shall Come (2019)
Chris Morris film that SORELY lacks the satirical edge of pretty much everything else he's ever been involved in.
It's OK, and the final moments offers a genuine social commentary sting, but coming from the guy who made the (still) incendiary Brass Eye, I was hoping for something much more abrasive and confrontational. Shame.
5/10
It's OK, and the final moments offers a genuine social commentary sting, but coming from the guy who made the (still) incendiary Brass Eye, I was hoping for something much more abrasive and confrontational. Shame.
5/10
29/09/19 10 Minutes Gone (2019)
Michael Shield and Bruce Diehard have a competition to see who most resembles a waxed scrotum.
Tough one to call, Shield has the shape and Diehard has the wrinkles.
In case you're wondering how arse-yawningly generic this film is, the poster should tell you everything:
Tough one to call, Shield has the shape and Diehard has the wrinkles.
In case you're wondering how arse-yawningly generic this film is, the poster should tell you everything:
28/09/11 Midsommar (2019)
Imagine and episode of The League of Gentlemen, written by some wanker who insisted all the enjoyable stuff was taken out, and also insisted it dragged on for 2.5 hours.
Up its own arse.
Too long.
Too serious.
Boring.
Up its own arse.
Too long.
Too serious.
Boring.
"The chaps on the rugger team used to drink their own piss as well! Delightful wheeze! Top fellows!"
"Fuck off, Prince Harry, you dick."
Fucking hell, that Mumsnet meet-up got a bit strange.
"Bet I can fit your arm in my mouth. Let me try."
"Please, Papa Filmplop, fail to amuse us with further captions. Praise be to The 'Plop. So mote it be. And whatever other old bollocks rubbish cults in shit films pretend to say."
28/09/19 Between Two Ferns (2019)
Do you need to be American to find this funny?
As a Brit, I thought it was shit.
22/09/19 American Hangman (2019)
Fairly routine, but decent (one terrible actor aside), thriller about a legally wronged young fella who takes a judge hostage and broadcasts the judge's own trial, under the threat of execution, live on the web.
Will the copperplods be able to breadcrumb their way to the location in time to save the old fella?
7/10
Will the copperplods be able to breadcrumb their way to the location in time to save the old fella?
7/10
21/09/19 A Night Of Horror Volume 1 (2015)
Anthology of really crap horror shorts. Doubt I'll bother with Volume 2.
21/09/19 Yesterday (2019)
Young fella gets knocked off his bike just as a brief global blackout strikes. When he wakes up, he is the only person who can remember The Beatles.
They, along with a few other household names/items got wiped from existence during 'The Event'.
So, being a struggling musician, he nicks their songs, releases them as his own and becomes almost as famous as they were.
I'm not a Beatles fan, I think for every truly great song they did, there's an album's worth of bland (early period) or indulgent (later period) wank that I'll happily never hear again, so I was expecting to be indifferent to this. But, pleasingly, the cast are likable, there's some actually funny humour and a Robert Carlyle cameo that I found surprisingly touching.
Also, Podd is a lifelong Beatlehead, so she quickly filled in any blanks for me.
7.5/10
They, along with a few other household names/items got wiped from existence during 'The Event'.
So, being a struggling musician, he nicks their songs, releases them as his own and becomes almost as famous as they were.
I'm not a Beatles fan, I think for every truly great song they did, there's an album's worth of bland (early period) or indulgent (later period) wank that I'll happily never hear again, so I was expecting to be indifferent to this. But, pleasingly, the cast are likable, there's some actually funny humour and a Robert Carlyle cameo that I found surprisingly touching.
Also, Podd is a lifelong Beatlehead, so she quickly filled in any blanks for me.
7.5/10
21/09/19 Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)
Sticky child visits Europe and fights with computer graphics.
16/09/19 The Dead Don't Die (2019)
If this film was a sandwich it'd be smug flavour. Minimal filling between two slices of bland bread. And many sandwich critics would claim it's fantastic when, plainly, it's shit and shouldn't have been made.
Turned it off with only fifteen or so minutes left to go.
2/10
Turned it off with only fifteen or so minutes left to go.
2/10
16/09/19 Haunt (2019)
Some young people go to a haunted house attraction. Turns out there's real murderers there.
The makers of this must be glad they got in there with such an original plot before anyone else done the same thing ten times in the last few years.
The makers of this must be glad they got in there with such an original plot before anyone else done the same thing ten times in the last few years.
Sunday, 17 November 2019
14/09/19 Night Hunter (2018)
In his radio review of this, Mark Kermode opened with "Night hunter, which is a preposterously terrible thriller..."
He could've stopped there, but as he's one of those people who talk about films for a living, he rattled on for another five minutes.
The opening description is entirely fair, but, conversely, is what made us want to see this. Should have just taken his word for it.
2/10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3sd5_OAtT8
In case you wanna hear his thoughts yourself.
He could've stopped there, but as he's one of those people who talk about films for a living, he rattled on for another five minutes.
The opening description is entirely fair, but, conversely, is what made us want to see this. Should have just taken his word for it.
2/10
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3sd5_OAtT8
In case you wanna hear his thoughts yourself.
08/09/19 The Furies (2019)
Australian film which is like a cross between Friday the 13th and Battle Royale, but actually better than you'd expect from that description.
No classic, or even greatly memorable, but definitely more fun than the majority of such efforts.
5.95/10
No classic, or even greatly memorable, but definitely more fun than the majority of such efforts.
5.95/10
08/09/19 The Go-Getters (2018)
Ace Canadian comedy about a grubby prostitute and grubbier alcoholic trying to raise the $98 they need to get a bus out of town, away from their stained lives and onto something better at a relative's country home.
Much better than that makes it sound.
8/10
Much better than that makes it sound.
8/10
07/09/19 Satanic Panic (2019)
Silly, enjoyable nonsense about a pizza delivery lady abducted by a cult as a prop for their big ceremony.
Sort of a bit Rosemary's Baby with jokey bits.
Sort of a bit Rosemary's Baby with jokey bits.
06/09/19 Assimilate (2019)
Based on what I say every flippin' day on my drive to work.
*Unlocks car*
*Gets in*
*Starts engine*
*Sees the time*
"Arse, I'm late!"
Oh, what a funny fellow I am.
Anyway, if I remember, this was a half-decent Body Snatchers cover version.
7/10 or something.
*Unlocks car*
*Gets in*
*Starts engine*
*Sees the time*
"Arse, I'm late!"
Oh, what a funny fellow I am.
Anyway, if I remember, this was a half-decent Body Snatchers cover version.
7/10 or something.
06/09/19 John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)
Like the hip young internet folk of fifteen years ago, I'm gonna use a webcomic to review this film. A 'Plop first, here it is:
Seriously, fuck this film and every knuckle-breathing fucking moron who claims it's worth seeing. Utter, utter dogshit.
0/10
Seriously, fuck this film and every knuckle-breathing fucking moron who claims it's worth seeing. Utter, utter dogshit.
0/10
06/09/19 Creature (1985)
Spaceship, alien monster, crew killed, ends.
So many films made in the '80s were set in the future, so many films made now are set in the '80s. I'm the first to call out the bollocks of that decade, and collective false memories we seem to have about it, but at least the films back then were a little more, I dunno, exploratory? Not just in the literal sense in this one's case, being set in space, but films in general seemed to have a greater range of themes?
No, that doesn't sound right either. Level playing field, perhaps? Now, anything that isn't from fucking Marvel Studious or released with huge Netflix promotion seems to get overlooked. Whereas back then, a well placed poster in a VHS rental shop could (locally at least) set a film on fire.
No, not really sure what I'm on about here. Difficult to articulate a vague thought very well. Well, I can't today it would seem.
But, yeah, it's a silly space monster film. If that's your thing, you'll probably like it.
So many films made in the '80s were set in the future, so many films made now are set in the '80s. I'm the first to call out the bollocks of that decade, and collective false memories we seem to have about it, but at least the films back then were a little more, I dunno, exploratory? Not just in the literal sense in this one's case, being set in space, but films in general seemed to have a greater range of themes?
No, that doesn't sound right either. Level playing field, perhaps? Now, anything that isn't from fucking Marvel Studious or released with huge Netflix promotion seems to get overlooked. Whereas back then, a well placed poster in a VHS rental shop could (locally at least) set a film on fire.
No, not really sure what I'm on about here. Difficult to articulate a vague thought very well. Well, I can't today it would seem.
But, yeah, it's a silly space monster film. If that's your thing, you'll probably like it.
06/09/19 Tone-Deaf (2019)
I think this film's trying to make some sorta statement about how generations will always blame each other for the state of the world; the young blaming the old for ruining everything and leaving behind a ruined nation/planet, the old blaming the young for having it too easy and letting standards slip etc.
mostly, though, it's a film about a murdery codger and an annoying, whiney youngster.
I win because they're both shit and I blame them all.
The film's not too bad though.
5.5/10
mostly, though, it's a film about a murdery codger and an annoying, whiney youngster.
I win because they're both shit and I blame them all.
The film's not too bad though.
5.5/10
(Some joke about the T-1000 building a shed or something.)
03/09/19 Fun With Dick And Jane (2005)
"Fun" is a strong word to use in this film's title. Still, it was watchable enough in a lightweight kinda way. It tries for mild satire, but instead bimbles around the suggestion that happiness only comes through money.
Nevermind, soon enough the nuclear fire will put an end to such thinking.
Nevermind, soon enough the nuclear fire will put an end to such thinking.
03/09/19 X-Men: Days Of Future Past (2014)
Slightly less bollocks than some of the others in the series, but still bollocky old shite. Podd hadn't seen it before, so sat through it again.
03/09/19 The Head Hunter (2018)
Set in medieval land of Pretendyshire, a large, heavily scarred bearded fellow lives in a cabin and occasionally goes when the sound of a horn from the local castle beckons him.
"Well, I've got the horn. Best go out and do something about it."
Anyway, when he hears the call it means there's a message for him, a scroll around an arrow shot from the castle, which shows him which monster is currently putting the locals in peril. He goes off to kill the beast, take its head and return to his cabin.
Some years before, one of the monsters made it personal so he waits for the message telling him that monster has returned.
Much better than I make it sound. It's a downbeat, almost dialogue free film about the restlessness of living for revenge and little else.
Made for peanuts but looks great, it has a presence that films costing 100 times as much could only dream of having.
7.5/10
"Well, I've got the horn. Best go out and do something about it."
Anyway, when he hears the call it means there's a message for him, a scroll around an arrow shot from the castle, which shows him which monster is currently putting the locals in peril. He goes off to kill the beast, take its head and return to his cabin.
Some years before, one of the monsters made it personal so he waits for the message telling him that monster has returned.
Much better than I make it sound. It's a downbeat, almost dialogue free film about the restlessness of living for revenge and little else.
Made for peanuts but looks great, it has a presence that films costing 100 times as much could only dream of having.
7.5/10
01/09/19 Eat Locals (2017)
Low budget British vampire comedy. Manages to wedge in a few chuckles that actually work and I've seen worse.
5.85/10
5.85/10
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