19/03/14 The Last Shark (1981)

Boxcellent (bollocks yet excellent) Italian film about an angry dolphin.

The plot- a Great White shark turns up off the coast of a popular summer resort town and starts munching people, the local politicians don't want to close the beach as it's a revenue spinner and integral to the town's identity, a gruff older fella with a moustache and shark hunting experience is hired to go out and hunt for whitey- is such an incredible fucking Jaws rip off, it makes The Asylum mockbusters look positively opaque in their influences.

However, being an Italian film from this era, the incredibly bad performances, terrible dubbing, utterly arse effects and a shark that looks like a giant rubber haddock make this every bit as entertaining as Spielberg's effort.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081677/
A billion/10

Or about 5/10.

Or much more/less depending on what you want from an Italian shark film from the early '80s.

Here's what it looks like:

"Pass me the butter, I'm going in!"

"Right lads, to summarise: shark on the left, people on the right. Got it?"

"Sorry, boss, we're still stuck. Which one is people in this picture?"

*Sigh* "You bobble-hat wearing trio of fuckwits."

"Phil! How are you?"

"Gary! Not bad mate. How you been?"

"Aah, y'know, swimming about."

"Yup. Still with Miriam?"

"Yeah, nine years this June."

Swiss Tony cameo!

"Catching a shark, Paul, is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you clean your tackle, then you prepare your bait and slide it into the water. When a suitable fish shows interest, you hook it in, wrestle with it until it stops struggling then take photos and boast to your friends. ...I'm lonely."

"I think you'll find that none of those charges stuck."

"And CUT! Sorry, I'm just not feeling it. What's my character's purpose here?"

"You're a fucking shark about to eat piss-poor actors. C'mon, Gary, I saw your Hamlet at the Globe last year, I know you have this in you."

Not just bad actors at risk, toy helicopters too!

*Nom nom nom*

"Mmmm, person sticks, my favourite!"

"Are we there yet?"

"Shut up you bollocking arse."

Perkin.

1803/14 Dark House (2014)

Bloke inherits a house that floated away in a storm, his girlfriend's up the duff and his dad lives in a pipe or some shit.

Not too bad for the first 30 minutes, then that bloke from the fucking awful 'Saw' films turns up and this also becomes fucking awful.

Utterly sphincter.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1385543/
1.5/10

Perkin.

15/03/14 Tango & Cash (1989)

I didn't watch this, Pod did.

Mullets, prison, guns, derp.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098439/
5/10

Perkin.

13/03/14 The Stepford Children (1987)

Teenagers with wide hair confuse some replicant organobots by playing some wild pop music.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094036/
5/10

As there's no promo poster for this TV special, here's a picture of some UKIP members treating their wives to a day out:

Perkin.

12/03/14 Bad Country (2014)

In 1983 every man had creative  facial hair.

Matt Dillon plays a neo-nazi who one day decides he wants to be lovely.

Enjoyable crime stuff that could've done without the action film bits.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2350892/
Probably about 7/10 or some shizzle.

Perkin.

11/03/14 Haunt (2013)

The world's most generic family move into the world's most average-ist haunted house and with the assistance of a neighbouring child talk to angry spirits via some spook-box/ghost C.B. type thing.

Dull.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2386278/
4.2/10

"Off to the dentist, I've got another one of those bungalow abscess things."

Perkin.

08/03/14 Pitch Black (2000)

Vin Diesel (real name Ribena Hybrid) plays Keith Riddick who can see in the dark and enjoys stabbing aliens.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0134847/
7/10

Perkin.