10/04/19 The Silence (2019)

Netflix meeting. 2018.

"Remember how A Quiet Place was the biggest film in cinemas last year?"

"Yup."

"And how it wasn't actually THAT amazing, but everyone wanked themselves blue over it?"

"Yup."

"And then we released a cover version called Bird Box where Sandy Bollock put a bag on a kid's head and went rafting?"

"Yup."

"And everyone thought that was also cocking fantastic. For some reason."

"Yup."

"Well! How about we water down the formula once again, make the characters as dull as possible, the explanation of the global plight embarrassingly unlikely and chuck in a few human baddies with motives and methods that are laughably illogical?"

"Yup."



4/10

17/04/14 Seedpeople (1992)

This had great potential to to be a high-chuckle bumwater classic. Sadly it makes the fatal mistake of trying to be an actual film. A double mistake when you consider the evil alien pod-monsters look like bipedal scrotums.

Ah well.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105347/
2.5/10

"I've told you before, my land is not for sale, now leave!"

"LOL! Your hand is tiny."

Probably lives in Croydon.

Evil monster space-bollock.

A bukkake scene? Oh, right, 'Seed' people.

Perkin.

30/04/13 The Lake House (2006)

Predictable (but embarrassingly watchable) film about Keanu Billnted and Sandra Bollock* sending letters to each other back and forth through time. The house of the title is a place where they've both lived, and serves as the dimensional portal for their magic correspondence.

Well, it's not the house, more the postbox on the driveway, but a film called The Magic Postbox would sound silly.

I wonder if Keanu writes his letters using crayons?

I know kung fu.

The film contains the world's most obvious twist and is seemingly set in a world where the giant, obvious internet solution to their strange relationship doesn't exist.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0410297/
5.7/10

Perkin.

*Yes, that mature.