11/03/12 The Pack (2010)

French horror film (original title La meute) about a mad ol' Doris who runs a diner called 'The Spack'!

Occasionally she knocks people out, puts 'em in a cage, makes them eat plop-gruel and then hangs them up in the garden so that pointy fanged mole-people can pull their limbs off and nibble at the stumps. Imagine a Harvester pub in Croydon, bit like that.

The film also has a daft dream sequence and a rubbish bike gang who enjoy bumrape.

It's slow paced but good fun in that French horror kinda way.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1336601/

                                          Based on the Cornish chain of diners; 'Spazzmo's'

                                              Nan Boxing: coming soon to Sky Sports

                                            A French guy, being normal. Bonjour.

Some Times reader would buy this fucking shed, pay for it to be done up, then write some pissy book about their French wine growing adventure. Wankers.

7/10

Perkin.

11/03/12 Boggy Creek (2010)

Teens go camping emo-noodler that briefly turns into a very patchy monster film with a growly chap in a fur suit bought off ebay.

Mostly it's just five actors of varying competency sitting around speaking youngpeople words.

It starts off OK and remains relatively good until the last 30 minutes which then fire both barrels of the shitgun.

4/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1493798/?licb=0.293257873584028

                                                                          Perkin.

07/03/12 Urban Explorer (2011)

A small group of slim young folk go on an adventure in some tunnels underneath Berlin. One of 'em takes a tumble and gets hurt and the others are trying to get him out when they bump into a kindly old tunnel-dweller who offers to help. He turns out to be as mad as a sack of carrots and enjoys killing, cannibalism, growing a beard and peeling off young people's upper-body fleshskin like a splatty cardigan.

I done quite a lot of Urban Exploring in my twenties, although back then it didn't have a name and it was very rarely urban. Fucking hipsters. Point is, the worse we ever came across was crap graffitti and the occasional 'water damaged' bongo-mag. Hardly ever did we find any homicidal Germans.

Anyway, if you're the kind of arsewit who thinks the Saw films were good, this'll be right up your (abandoned) alley. Fnar.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1642665/

2/10

Watch this short film instead. It's rather sweet.

                                                                       Perkin.

06/03/12 Death Machine (1994)

Low-budget Sci-Fi flick about some people in a building being pursued by what looks like a robot dinosaur.

Never been much of a fan of straight-up Sci-Fi films, Blade Runner aside. Although unlike most people, I prefer the version of B.R. with the Deckard narration. It's well known that Harrison Ford was pissed off at having to record it, hence his flat vocal delivery. I think the monotone vocals suit his character and the mood of the film really well.

But, er, back to Death Machine... I dunno, if you like Sci-Fi, it's prob cracking good fun. Apparently there's four different cuts of the film. The longest is meant to be the best. I watched the shortest.

But enough of all that, the best thing about it is one of the actors is called William Hootkins! I love silly surnames.

5/10  Or maybe much higher/lower. Depending on if you enjoy old tits like this.

That's the full filmywilmy.

Russell Brand, what a cunt, eh?

Perkin.

06/03/12 ATM (2012)

Alternative title: Three yuppies in a box.

I can't be arsed to review this. Go to the IMDB link and have a peek at the synopsis. Then don't bother watching it.

4/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1603257/

                                                                             Perkin.

05/02/12 Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (2011)

Nic Cage plays a chap who catches fire when he rides a motorbike. Well, people do say they're dangerous.

Idris Elba looks slightly less sleepy than he did in The Wire.

The film's a 90 minute splash of wank involving some baddies who want to get hold of some surly child who has magic powers and use him for eeeeeeeevil. Not only is it geared towards 12yr old boys, it gives the impression of being written by one as well.

The first Ghostrider wasn't a masterpiece, but it did have Peter Fonda's fun portrayl of the Devil. I shall watch this one another 200 times to try and find something of merit*

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1071875/

In the meantime, listen to this song; angry bum-neck, Henry Rollins** sings about Ghost Rider and it's much better than the films.

2.5/10

*=I won't really.

**= It's about as wide as an arse, that's all I could think of.


                                                                    Perkin.

04/03/12 Sweeny! (1977)

Film spin-off from the '70s plodcop show. Suprisingly and pleasingly complex plot. Some of the acting's as wobbly as a punctured unicycle, but well worth a peek to see what London looked like 35 years ago, not to mention the amusement that can be gained from the wide display of terrible hair, grim interiors, yellow teeth and difficult trousers.

According to IMDB's trivia page, this was the first British film to be shown openly in communist China. Now there's a pub quiz point scorer if I ever heard one!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076788/

                        "Me? High heels, French knickers and a lace bra. What are you wearing?"

                                            "That's hot! I'm wearing latex shoes and chainmail"

                                                           "Have you heard this filth?!"

                                                               "Pint of tits, please"

                        "Are you certain I'm the father? You've been with a lot of men since we split up."

                                         Scotland Yard's Serious Crime Incident Room, 1977

                                Training for the olympics was a much more formal practice back then.

                                      "Darling, I'll be working late tonight. Something's come up."

Depressingly, the late John Thaw was younger than me when this was filmed. He got to see Lynda Bellingham's boobs though, they're ace!

7/10


                                                                    Perkin.