02/03/12 American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)

You seen Children Of Men? If not, you should, it's brilliant. The plot to this is similar, but with a cyborg, mutants and added terribleness.

A woman with a baby in a tube wanders through an endless number of abandoned warehouses and tunnels with some guy who looks like a crap male stripper. Occasionally a really shit wannabe Terminater pops up unexpectedly and growls at them. Like a rubbish Cato from the Pink Panther films.

                                          "I love you, tube baby"

                                          "This pistol has suprised and confused me!"

                                    "And I was all, like, "Yeeeeah, bitches". Fools be trippin', yo."

                                          This film does find time for a romantic sub-plot.

                                         Jean-Paul Gaultier: My new scent 'Leather'

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109098/

2.4/10

                                                                  Perkin.

29/02/12 Evidence (2011)

A found footage film about some bum-wits who go camping, hear some spooky noises in the woods, get drunk on a thimble of whisky, make massively illogical descisions then spend 15 minutes in a confused mess of ten different films.

Bit of advice, if you ever find yourself being chased by massive death-creatures and you make your way into a house with lockable doors and, potentially, weapons, stay put! Don't follow the example of the fucking sponge-brains in this film and decide to leave and run around squealing whilst carrying a big spotlight to highlight your whereabouts.

I can normally suspend disbelief in such films enough to excuse daft actions, but the cast in this REALLY acted like decision spazzmos and it kinda started ruining it. The final fifteen minutes where the film went from almost plausible (above decisions aside) to eagerly plumping the bollocks-pillow, and ruined it even more. A shame.

During the less exagerrated earlier half of the film, the performances, script and pacing were all on the plus side.

Although what kind of a cock would think making a documentary about his 20-something mate's first camping trip is a worthy subject?

An uncertain 5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1640218/

                                                                      Perkin.

29/02/12 Maniac Cop (1988)

A family orientated road movie about Buttons the puppy (voiced by Clancy Brown) who one day escapes from the kennels and finds out life on his own is scary, joyful and ultimately full of love. Buttons gets unnoficially adopted by the lightly disfunctional Zanzibar family: Mum-Jennifer Anniston, Dad-Steve Carrell. their twin daughters-played by Dakota Fanning and Betty White, and Grandma-Leonard Cohen.

Buttons endears himself to each member, eventually becoming the shared unifying bond of the family during their trip through the plains and mountain ranges of Croydon and Tooting in south England. One particually heartwarming scene is when Buttons runs amok in Carrell's meth-lab!

There's numerous cameos to be spotted and enjoyed: David Duchovny as the country singer Whitman Bugle, Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the poetry reading cage fighter Gwendoline Prince, Fred Savage as the shellshocked tactical sniper Savage Fred and, of course, Sir Michael Caine as the flute playing, cloven-hoofed Greek diety Pan/Lord of Darkness.

All in all, a heartwarming film for all to enjoy. (Although younger viewers might be a little upset by the prison showers scene.)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095583/

Eh?/10


                                                                        Perkin.

29/02/12 Red: Werewolf Hunter (2010)

Not quite terrible film about a descendent of Little Red Riding Hood who kills vampires.

Seen better, seen worse. Seen C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like DVDs in an oven. Time to watch something else.

This has got the always watchable Stephen McHattie as one of the head werewolves. I love his name, it obviously comes from a time in Scottish history when people were named after their clothing choices. If things were different he might have been called:

Stephen McSlippers.
Stephen McGloves
Stephen McHollowedhaggis
Stephen McDressinggown
Stephen McStreaky.

Anywhatever, 4/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1626201/

                                                                Perkin.

28/02/12 Don't Go Near The Park (1981)

A film about a brother and sister who are possibly cursed immortals (details and character backround aren't the films strongpoints. along with everything else.) who drink people's blood to stay young.

Highlights:

The 'acting'. No displays of skill in any traditionally accepted sense, but the uniform cast commitment to 'awful' is greatly enjoyable.

The effects are camply enjoyable and not as terrible as they could've been. Pretty ropey though.

A ten-year-old boy having a mash of an unconcious teenage girls boobs. As wrong as it sounds.

A Rover P6. A highly unusual sight Stateside, but prob not of interest to any non-British people who don't have a tragic passion for vintage motors.

In conclusion, a terrible film, but greatly enjoyable.

7/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082276/

                                         That there? That be the P6.


                                                                     Perkin.

28/02/12 Ban The Sadist Videos! Part 2 (2006)

A good chum recently sent us 'Box Of The Banned: 2' (if you read this, cheers, Mr S!) which is a collection of films previously banned by the utterly spazzmo Video Recordings Act which kept the red tops foamy-mouthed in the '80s.

Similar to Jake West's more recent 'Video Nasties...' documentary, but with a greater emphasis on the BBFC of the era. Both documentaries are excellent and well worth seeking out.

The biggest point of interest is the transformation of one-time BBFC head, James Ferman, from staid, almost prissy moral guardian to liberal champion of viewer choice. Also the documentary does an excellent job of highlighting the political bandwaggoning that any significant public-eye event attracts.

There's even some vintage footage of a pre-ministerial Tony Blair. Or as he's fondly called round here, the right-wing, child mudering cock-sucking motherfucker Tony Blair. Bouffant haired cunt of a man.

Anyway, the documentary is excesplendid.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0962751/

10/10

                                                                    Perkin.

27/02/12 Black Demons (1991)

A nearly forgotten film that should be fully forgotten. Some people are in a place and blah blah blah, it's total porridge.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101467/

                                          Eye poppingly shite.

2.5/10

                                                                       Perkin.