31/05/12 Safe (2012)

Jason Statham plays Nathan Marmalade, a mild tempered museum curator who one day stumbles upon a rare book that contains the legendary polystitch knitting patterns of Pomdoor. Upon completion of the patterns, he opens the gateway to the mystic kingdom of Thrumm where he befriends the unicorn Midloch and learns the meaning of true love.

Not really. He plays a stubbly puncher who spends 90 minutes slapping stuntmen.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1656190/

2.5/10

                                                                       Perkin.

31/05/12 Shock 'Em Dead (1991)

No idea why I have a copy of this. Upon watching it earlier, I was even more suprised to realise I'd seen it before back when it was new. At the time I thought this story of a talentless musician who makes a Faustian pact to recieve musical ability, fame and money was just a standard, low budget film.
Now I realise that it was created as a historical anthropological record of 1991 being the campest year in history. Below I present the photographic evidence:

                                                                      

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102910/

2.5/10

Perkin.

31/05/12 Patriot Games (1992)

Indiana Solo goes on holiday to London and beats up the IRA because their accents are slipping.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105112/

5/10

"Mnnng"

Met Police: Street Dance division.

"Who's the woman sitting behind you?"

"She's not sitting, she's a midget."

"Yes. I have seen Indiana Jones 4" *Weeps softly*

Perkin.

30/05/12 Unforgiven (1992)

You've already seen this. You must have. Why else would you be reading an obscure excuse for a film list/review blog written by two tubby people if you haven't at least got a vague interest in films? Anyway, it's excellent.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105695/

9/10

That's the trailer. Remind yourself how good it is.

Perkin.

30/05/12 I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

As someone on IMDB says, this is a film that doesn't care. I agree, it's completely rubbish but with some brilliantly groan-worthy dialogue and almost constant silliness. How can you not love a film that briefly features a talking shit?

Also, look at the title, what do you expect?

Told you.

Perkin.

30/05/12 War Of The Dead (2011)

Starts off as a standard war film, the biggish fight in the woods near the start is impressive for a film made for relatively low budget of *Dr. Evil voice* one million Euros.

Then *sigh* the zombie nazis turn up and it becomes the same film I've seen ten times in the last few years.

5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780645/

"I love war! Double high-five!"

To pass long car journeys in the 1940s, men used to stare at each others knobs.

Recent episodes of Changing Rooms have made some suprising decorating choices.

Candy floss! RUN!!!

Perkin.

30/05/12 The Pact (2012)

The mum of two sisters kicks the bucket so the siblings meet up at the funeral for the first time in a few years. They then go back to ma's house and get a bit drunk and fall asleep. The younger sister wakes up at 4am, goes for a piss then gets thrown around the house for a while by a ghost or angry invisible person. The older sister decides to disappear.

The film then becomes a very effective spooker for 70 minutes. It actually made me jump twice. It's well acted and keeps you interested. However the final ten minutes are a big letdown. Shame.

It's well worth seeing though if you enjoy a chill-flick. The main character is played by Caity Lotz who was in the enjoyable Death Valley TV show. In the film she rides a lovely vintage Honda and looks great in her pants.

7/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2040560/

Perkin.