07/07/15 Zombie Massacre 2: Reich Of The Dead (2015)

Oh for fuck's sake, MORE fucking zombie nazis?

Decent production values only go so far when it comes to covering the sins of a film. This one suffers from being tediously derivative and, even less forgivable, really fucking boring.

Aside from the Dead Snow films, which buck the trend by being ace, the whole zombie nazi thing was pretty tired thirty years ago, to still be using it now is just piss.

Alright, it's my choice to sit through this shit, but I've been watching horror films longer than most of the fuckers making them now have been alive and I carry on doing so for those rare times you find a gem. To make a zombie film worth watching it has to be novel, fun, scary or, preferably, all three. This was none of those.

I'm currently at a train station. In Britain our trains have a habit of breaking down.

Someone gets on a train, let's call them Geoff. A passenger falls ill a few minutes into Geoff's journey. The train breaks down on a rural line. The ill passenger is infected, starts biting other passengers who also rapidly turn and the remaining 70 minutes of the film is claustrophobic, panicky carnage as the infection spreads along the train, people using whatever is available to them to barricade and fight against the rail zombies.

There you go, I've just tapped out that shit in two minutes after using my location for zombie-film inspiration. It's not great, but it'd be a zombie film that wouldn't involve fucking nazis.

BTW, the twist at the end would be Geoff and the remaining survivors manage to get the train moving. They rocket down the line, eventually applying the brakes when reaching a station.  The train has arrived at East Croydon. Geoff gets back on the train as he'd rather face the zombies.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4117510/

Croydon/10

Perkin.

24/06/15 Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015)

Are they're people who actively seek out this sort of shit?

"I wanna go and see a film. I want it to be *like* a horror film, but without any of that scary stuff, or tension, a sense of threat, disturbing imagery, gore, violence and swear words.

However, repetitive, tepid jump-scares framed by a plot that is as clear and bland as a celery flavoured window would be great."

The fact that this will, no doubt, be very successful and make more profit than religion is probably a good indicator of how submissive and bovine a huge number of people's tastes are.

Y'know, the above applies to films from other genres, romantic fluff where Drew Barrymore falls in love with a clog salesman, 'dramas' where George Clooney wears a suit and makes decisions which people listen to, action films where square-jawed millitary folk stoically defend something or other from generic brown/East European enemies... It's all a load of old wank.

Not just films; books, TV shows, food, housing, political consensus, everything seems to aspire to the compromise, the middle ground. The spoon-fed, innofensive, end-goal of beige partial fulfilment.

I'm just typing this nonsense to try and give the impression that I'm somehow more selective in my passions, but it's not true. I live a life as unspectacular as everyone else's, if not more so than most. I watched this fucking rubbish after all.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3195644/

2/10

Perkin.

01/06/14 Drive Hard (2014)

Bloody hell. There's plenty of reviews of this, read them and focus on the negative parts. It's a very, very bad film.

It is much worse than that terrible poster would suggest.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2968804/

1/10

25/03/14 The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Unlike almost everyone in the world, we thought the first two Nolan Batman films were shite. People opinion-jizzing over what irrefutable ultra-classics they are, whilst forgetting that they were over-long, camp nonsense about a man dressed up as a fucking bat punching baddies in the face. Kids films that have been bestowed with undeserving profundity and whatnot.

This one was still far too long, nudging three hours, but it was at least entertaining. Anne Hathaway's arse was splendid and the film took the wise direction of focusing on Tom Hardy's Bane as much as it does Batmong. I can't say if Hardy's performance is 'good', it's too cartoony to ponder in the thoughty sense, but it is very, very entertaining and he has some great lines.

That'll do, you've probably seen it anyway.

  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1345836/
6.75/10

Batkin.

28/01/14 Sideways (2004)

When this came out, absolutely every film critic was desperate to wank themselves inside-out over how brilliant it is. Pretty much reinforcing my opinion of professional critics as a syndicated hive-mind, incapable of forming their own opinions.

Possible exaggeration aside, they can all suck my balls. Apart from very good acting, this film just came across as a middle-class circle-jerk between the makers and the intended audience. Fuck that shit.

The plot, as you possibly know, is two dislikeable men go on a short tour around some American vineyards, lightly bicker, meet some women and display punch-worthy levels of whining, pissy self-obsession. Yeah, I get it, men are eternal boys emotionally, who reach a point where they realise nothing in life is as great as the box it came in promised, and we need the stabilising maturity of women to give us focus. Or they could just grow up and not be fucking cabbages.

Also, people who think wine is important are cunts. Not the ways it brings economic benefits to the regions it grows in or any of that bigger picture stuff, but those folk who observe the snobbish fucking twaddle around the whole wine 'thing'. If it tastes good and you can afford it, it's good wine. Nothing else matters. Doesn't matter if the bottle's got a picture of a rustic chateaux or a fucking party balloon. I've had three quid bottles of bargain plonk that's been every bit as satisfying as the rare times I've tasted the thirty-quid-a-pop stuff.

Still, it might just be a class thing, I'd rather have a pint of lager.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375063/
Shite/10

Even that poster is smug and cunty.

Perkin.

22/12/13 Survival Of The Dead (2009)

Romero's first three zombie films are rightly considered classics. His last three prove that he can make ones just as shit as everyone else.

Awful.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1134854/
1/10

Perkin.

24/08/12 Two-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Sometimes I admire The Asylum with their 'minimum required' film making. Other times, I wish they'd just fuck off.

This film has a two headed shark.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2043757/
1/10

Perkin.