05/03/15 Slaughter Is The Best Medicine (2014)

The budget of this film was -no joke- £50.

I don't think I'm being critically harsh when I say it shows.

The The plot involves a team of supposedly elite mercenaries (who I have named Gorm, Overweighty, Cannot-acty, BaldGuy and Woman)  who are reunited to perform one more job as a unit.
Apparently it has been five years since they last worked together and each character is introduced via a brief segment that shows what they've been up to in the meantime, this includes: stealing a chicken (a three-man job), diffusing a bomb made of flour, making a phone call and, most excitingly, sitting in a house.

Anyway, after the reunion, they get their mission briefing, they are to be sent into some woods to retrieve a scientist who has defected from Madeupistan or somewhere, odd given that when the scientist has his scenes in front of the camera, he seems like a guy plucked from an Essex darts team.

The woods where most of the film takes place are supposed to have a reputation for sinister unexplained events taking place. To create this eerie ambience, they filmed the woodland scenes in bright daylight, during summer months in woods that have a comparable threat level to Richmond Park in May.

The film stumbles towards its conclusion, the mercenaries being picked off one by one, concluding with a predictable twist and a final scene that falls as flat as all the ones preceding it.

Right, if you can be bothered to read the above, you'll have a pretty good idea what this film's like. It's as ropey as they come, lacking skill in every area that defines the quality of a movie, however it was filmed over a few days, using non-professionals who worked around their day jobs and is 'honest' crap rather than the shit-awful trend for faux-cheap ironic, wannabe-cult 'Sharknado' wank that dominates the low budget end of the film spectrum.

The sort of film that many people would like to make with their mates if they could be arsed so they can enjoy watching it when they get together an laugh at their own cinematic ineptitude. If you can tolerate, or more to the point, enjoy someone else's back garden efforts, than you might get something out of this.

Ha! "Back garden efforts", sounds like when you're struggling to have a poo.

Ta.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1984248/
5.5/10

(Although equally 1/10, but you know what I mean)

Perkin.

23/02/13 Planet Of Dinosaurs (1977)

I loved this film as a kid. Although, like most children, I was a largely useless idiot who drew energy from sherbet and E-numbers, even then I had enough awareness to realise that the acting in this film is a relentless sensory pummelling of awful.

However, it does have dinosaurs in it, and at that age, that's all you need to make a film brilliant. Some years ago me and my brother went to see Land And Freedom, The Ken Loach film about a young Scouser who goes over to Spain to fight against fascism.
As an adult, I could appreciate the nuances of the story and found the ending very emotional and poignant. As a child I would've found it boring. If there had been a version where the fifteen minute conversation about collectivised farming had ended with a Tyrannosaurus and  a Triceratops kicking each other's balls off, I would've loved it.
Point is, if you drop dinosaurs in any old shit, pre-teen boys will love it. Hence why, I loved this film as a nipper, even with performances that could fairly be used as a litmus standard of terrible.

Also, if this film didn't have dinosaurs in it, it would just be called 'Planet'. That would be rubbish.

Anyway, in this thundering mud-baby of brilliance, a group of people are flying through space in a plastic model spaceship, it goes wrong so they get in a plastic escape cup and fall onto the dino-globe.

They then spend about 80% of the film walking, occasionally stopping to forget their dialogue and battle with some amusing stop motion plasticine lizards who have trouble retaining size continuity from shot to shot.

The effects are actually not too shabby here and there and it looks like the sculpting of the creatures was the only part of the film where any money and effort was expended.

If nothing else, it's worth seeing for the range of moustaches involved and the acting.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078089/
7/10

'Tache!

'Tache!

"Oi, Sutcliffe, no full beards allowed!"

"You heard the man, fuck off! You beardy prick!"

"Yeah, beardface!"

The ever popular 1977 computer game: Moustache Farm.

30th anniversary edition? It merits that? Fuck me.

Perkin.

28/08/12 Dead Of Winter (1987)

Actress plays an actress who goes to a house to do some acting, then gets involved in a massively unlikely, and logically pointless, plot about a woman and her sister. It's a bit chilly outside.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092842/
4/10

Perkin.

28/06/12 Axed (2012)

Utterly terrible film about a man with a face who loses his job and decides to take his family for a nice day in the countryside so he can kill them.

Although if I had two kids who were still at school in their mid-20s, I'd probably nudge 'em under a bus and start again.

If bad acting was for sale in Harrods, the performances in this would be left on the shelves of the pound shop. Seriously, these people can't even sit down convincingly. It is actually quite funny, but not enough to recomend this cockwash.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1582198/

1/10

Perkin.