27/06/15 It's Alive (1974)

Woman gives birth to evil baby. All the usual nonsense.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071675/
5.5/10

"Gentlemen, tonight we escape!"

Did people actually understand colours back then?

"I always knew this day would come. Just one more sip of iced piss before we leave."

"Yes, Mr Putin."

"I had everything invested in Play-Doh before the crash in '08. Lost it all, the cot, the toys, even the new pram."

"Doctor? Nah, just love looking at fannies."

"He hasn't called you, has he, Miriam?"

"Be quiet, Desk Owl. He will, I know it."

"I've left you my thumbs and moustache in the will. Everything else can go to charity."

"Thank you, Admiral."

Perkin.

30/09/204 Seance On A Wet Afternoon (1964)

Excellent vintage flick about a married couple who kidnap a child so that the wife, who works as a medium, can add credibility to her professional claims by involving herself in the investigation, offering information that will prove correct and raise her public profile in the wold of spirit communication.

You could say she's a small medium trying to get bigger.

Ho ho.

Anyway, even though that set-up is essentially total bum wash, the film is great. Made during the tail end of that period when England had a moustache and wore a tie to bed, it does suffer from being slightly stuffy, but that fades as it goes on, and by the end of it becomes quite a dark, troubling story. The tension in the bag of cash handover scenes particularly impressed me.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058557/
9/10

"Move along now, madam. Nothing to see here."

"Shush now, battyman, else I shank you bad style. Get me?"

A member of the 'Hells Chaps' motorcycle gang.

'Hot wicking' was the drug craze for the kids back then.

By 1964 standards this was quite a hot Girl-on-Girl scene.

Seriously, this film is obsessed by beaver.

"Now Miriam, if you flip this switch, it'll make our Austin bounce up and down like all my O.G. homies back in South Central. Low-rider life, yo."

"Gary, you're fifty-two."

"I love pictures."

(Note: I haven't altered this screencap in any way.)

Told you!!!

Perkin.

23/02/13 Planet Of Dinosaurs (1977)

I loved this film as a kid. Although, like most children, I was a largely useless idiot who drew energy from sherbet and E-numbers, even then I had enough awareness to realise that the acting in this film is a relentless sensory pummelling of awful.

However, it does have dinosaurs in it, and at that age, that's all you need to make a film brilliant. Some years ago me and my brother went to see Land And Freedom, The Ken Loach film about a young Scouser who goes over to Spain to fight against fascism.
As an adult, I could appreciate the nuances of the story and found the ending very emotional and poignant. As a child I would've found it boring. If there had been a version where the fifteen minute conversation about collectivised farming had ended with a Tyrannosaurus and  a Triceratops kicking each other's balls off, I would've loved it.
Point is, if you drop dinosaurs in any old shit, pre-teen boys will love it. Hence why, I loved this film as a nipper, even with performances that could fairly be used as a litmus standard of terrible.

Also, if this film didn't have dinosaurs in it, it would just be called 'Planet'. That would be rubbish.

Anyway, in this thundering mud-baby of brilliance, a group of people are flying through space in a plastic model spaceship, it goes wrong so they get in a plastic escape cup and fall onto the dino-globe.

They then spend about 80% of the film walking, occasionally stopping to forget their dialogue and battle with some amusing stop motion plasticine lizards who have trouble retaining size continuity from shot to shot.

The effects are actually not too shabby here and there and it looks like the sculpting of the creatures was the only part of the film where any money and effort was expended.

If nothing else, it's worth seeing for the range of moustaches involved and the acting.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078089/
7/10

'Tache!

'Tache!

"Oi, Sutcliffe, no full beards allowed!"

"You heard the man, fuck off! You beardy prick!"

"Yeah, beardface!"

The ever popular 1977 computer game: Moustache Farm.

30th anniversary edition? It merits that? Fuck me.

Perkin.