11/06/14 The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

Something really smug about Wes Anderson films. Guardian reader masturbation whimsy, with pissy puppet-show like imagery.

Still, I quite enjoyed it. Ralph (pronounced fucking 'Ralph' you silly ponce fuck) Fiennes is very good.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2278388/
6.5/10

Perkin.

04/08/13 Welcome To The Punch (2013)

A copperplod gets shot in the knee during a heist/aftershave commercial. He gets all, like, "Waaaah! I'm all pissy and wan't to shoot him back 'cos now my knee's all rubbish and puffy! And I can't run properly apart from in scenes when I forget about it."

The writer/director of this plump testicle previously made the convincing film Shifty. This, though, is flippin' proper floppy excrement. So flawed that it's like watching a parody that forgot to include the jokes. It also suffers from terrible miscasting and performances from people who should know better and deserve an early night with no pudding.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1684233/
2/10

"Oh... Oh dear."

"It's cold, love. Give me a minute."

Tim loved nothing more than to polish his trousers whilst firemen held hands.

"Dave, put your glasses on, you blind twat. That's the coat rack, I'm over here."

The twist reveal that 'Mr Big' is actually Doris McNan was a suprise.

Perkin.

12/10/12 Cobra (1986)

Children of the Internet, be glad!

You've grown up in a time of instant access, mass gratification, information overload.

When me and my people were trying to work out what kind of humans we were, we had to learn the hard way. None of this status update, iPhone, Google maps, telephone vote, 500 TV channel, online shopping, blu-ray, pre-sanitised shit for us. You pissy little fucks. Nope, we had miserable weather, tory governments*, the cold war and fucking terrible shit like this film as our relief from the crushing banality of everyday life.

I'm almost surprised it took me 26 years to finally watch this fucking shit and confirm my suspicions that it was a load of pig-awful bum-rape. Stallone, eh? What a wonky-mouthed cunt. How can you go from showing such initial promise (Rocky 1) to so rapidly becoming such a fucking arsehole.

I dunno, what I'm basically saying with this is that I'm jealous of young people and that this film's awful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIjccsx7cD4&feature=plcp
1/10

Shitness is a disease, meet the cause.

Perkin.

*Yeah, got another one. Any bastard that voted for 'em can put their name on my cunt list. Wankers.