26/02/14 Almost Human (2013)

Low budget horror film that tries to combine Invasion Of The Body Snatchers with Carpenter's The Thing and, surprisingly, does a very good job of it.

A chap with a beard disappears in a flash of light then he wakes up naked in a forest two years later. He changes a bit in the time he's gone, and instead of throwing himself a welcome home party with a big cake, he starts killing people and inserting alien eggs into their bodies via a long, fleshy egg-pipe that comes out of his mouth. It all gets very bloody and then ends.

It's absolutely straight-up, with nothing complex or contrived, just a decent, well made horror film with some excellent, splatty practical effects. The only flaw is some of the acting is a little weak, one character in particular is amusingly bad in some scenes, otherwise it's a real little cracker and worth seeking out.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2325517/
8.8/10

Perkin.

05/01/14 Alien Tornado (2012)

Aliens invade Earth disguised as a cloud. As good as it sounds. Still watched it though.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1942798/
4/10

Perkin.

20/05/13 Inseminoid (1981)

Fucking hell! I had to check this wasn't Italian, it's that goodbad!

Seriously, it's a hilarious Alien rip-off, possibly budgeted using gravel rather than actual money. Filmed in Chislehurst, Kent, and scripted using some form of potato prints.

If films were sexual experiences, the original Alien would be a classy, fragrant union in a five star hotel. This film would be a drunken, blurry wank behind a disused skip.

Both great fun, but very different experiences. To stretch the comparison.

Well worth watching.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084090/
10/10

"Press the alarm button and I kill Michael Stipe!"

You dirty space-tart!

...

"You'll only feel a small prick."

"He's not wrong there!"

"Shut-up, Miriam!"

"Hello, I'd like to order a space pizza"

"Got the wrong number, you space-twat."

Sadly this scene didn't go where I was hoping.

Mutant laser space-baby!

Perkin.

18/09/12 I know What I Saw (2009)

Feature length documentary which I'll include as it contains a lot of fiction.

After viewing this, I indeed know what I saw. I admit it wasn't the usual blend of inbreds and flakes claiming they got bum-pregnant after being fondled by an alien, but for every compelling case put forward there's another that sounds like toasted wank.

Also contains the tedious, fucking obligatory appearance by Britains 'favourite' conspiracy gnome, Nick Pope. Fella, you sealed envelopes in a small room, for a short time, fifteen years ago. You're as much of an authority on UFOs as I am on jetpacks. Bellend.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1579236/
4/10

Perkin.

(P.S. My book, '101 Jetpacks' is in shops tommorow.)