02/05/13 The Zombie King (2013)

Mostly awful with an occasionally funny dialogue.

Tries to big-up the fact that two has-beens make brief appearances.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2091455/
4/10

Perkin.

30/04/13 The Lake House (2006)

Predictable (but embarrassingly watchable) film about Keanu Billnted and Sandra Bollock* sending letters to each other back and forth through time. The house of the title is a place where they've both lived, and serves as the dimensional portal for their magic correspondence.

Well, it's not the house, more the postbox on the driveway, but a film called The Magic Postbox would sound silly.

I wonder if Keanu writes his letters using crayons?

I know kung fu.

The film contains the world's most obvious twist and is seemingly set in a world where the giant, obvious internet solution to their strange relationship doesn't exist.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0410297/
5.7/10

Perkin.

*Yes, that mature.

29/04/13 The Invasion (2007)

Nicolas Kidwoman and Daniel Woodbond play people who wear shoes and have hair. There's an invading virus that turns them into alien types if they sleep and whatnot, somehow leaving them with even less personality.

Loose remake of Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Watch the original instead, it's great, this is tepid. Like an unsatisfactory pudding.

The director also made the 2008 film Five Minutes of Heaven, that is also well worth a watch.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427392/
5/10

Perkin.

29/04/13 Maniac (2012)

Elijah Wood, angry little fellow with a knife. Cuts ladies hair without asking first. Chums with an unconvincing French hipster. The POV stuff is gimmicky. Film boring. Shit ending.

Shit for the whole thing, actually.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2103217/
2/10

Perkin.

28/04/13 The Lords Of Salem (2012)

The Lords of Salem? More like the Bishops of Bollocks.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1731697/
1.5/10

Perkin.

27/04/13 The Last Stand (2013)

65yr old Arnold Schwarzenegger makes his unwanted return to films playing the sheriff in a small desert town who has to struggle with his creaks and groans and get back on form to fight off some drug-baddies who are passing through.

Yes, you could say this is the movie where Arnie spends 100 minutes polishing his rusty sheriff's badge.

Arple! Fnibb!

Anyway, it also has other people, explosions, lots of exclamation gear changes (when someone's driving a car and they change gear, for no reason other than to emphasise a point) a few jokes that work, massive flaws in logic and reminds us that there are no problems that cannot be solved with guns.

If there wasn't such a thing as weapon preparation montage scenes, I think popular American cinema would only have about five hours of film recorded in the last thirty years.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1549920/

4.5/10

"If you've recently created a hybrid of Nicolas Cage, John Travolta and Steve Buscemi, point to him now!"

Last Of The Summer Wine. Suicide pact finale. Many viewers surprised.

"If we go this way, we can stop here for ice cream!"

Niche smut presents: Basket fisting.

One of the 874 gear changes you can enjoy in this film. *Belms*

An everyday American going peacefully about his business.

"Are you laughing at my body fluid cleanup kit? I'm 65, my arse has packed up."

This guy wasn't in the film, he was in a documentary we watched recently. Just look at his name.

Perkin.

27/04/13 Resolution (2012)

Two fellas in a shed, start to realise they're in a film or something. One has a beard and drugs, the other wanders off to look in a cave. People online are claiming this is great, it's boring.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1977895/
2.5/10

Perkin.