29/07/13 Straight Time (1978)

Dustin Hoffman plays a convict who gets out of prison, makes a complete bollocks of going straight so starts robbing things for money. Based on the writings of Eddie Bunker (read his stuff, it's bloody fantastic!) it has an admirable realism and hasn't dated too badly at all.

Also has Harry Dean Stanton in it who has never, ever been young it would appear.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078326/
8/10

Pink Fairy Lunatic was a big look back then.

"Hello, Strange Pleasures escort agency? Yes, I'd like to order your dowdiest woman."

"$150 as agreed. I want a full pegging followed by a rusty trombone."

"Si, Senior"

Good ol' Larry. Every morning, regular as clockwork, 7am and he'll be at the wanking fence.

Perkin.

29/07/13 Mud (2012)

Definitely the best film I've seen this year about a muscular homeless man with a pistol befriending two teenage boys.

It is very good, although certainly not the modern day Huckleberry Flynn that people are bigging it up to be, and it's a shame that none of the female characters are very sympathetic, but well worth watching.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1935179/
8/10

Perkin.

28/07/13 The Final Destination (2009)

Silly ol' shit, but, like the rest of the films in the series, the creative and amusing death scenes keep it entertaining.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1144884/
5.5/10

Perkin.

28/07/13 Hell Baby (2013)

Made by the people who done the excellent show Reno 911, this should have been very funny. It wasn't funny. Shame.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2318527/
3.5/10

Perkin.

27/07/13 The Wolverine (2013)

A BBC reviewer amusingly described Wolverine as "an angry penknife". Pretty fair comment.

Anyway, this film's possibly great if you're 12, however if you're an adult, it's very disappointing. None of the fun of the first two Xmen films or the maturity of First Class.

If you want to know what happens plotwise, I filmed a remake on my mobile phone for you:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1430132/

2.5/10 (Or much higher if you're a kid or a tit.)

Perkin.

26/07/13 The Deep (1977)

Jacqueline Bisset takes her nipples for a swim and finds some treasure. Robert Shaw gets in another pickle with some sharks.

Enjoyable in a rubbish way. The director also done Krull, which I loved as a kid.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075925/

6.5/10

Perkin.

25/07/13 The Colony (2013)

In the future it's really cold so some people live in a bunker and eat seeds. Other people also live in a bunker and eat humans. Eating humans turns them a bit funny.

Good actors wasted in a 90 minute lump of generic.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1160996/
5/10

Perkin.

23/07/13 Wasteland (2012)

Nice little Brit film about four chums who get their own back on the local crime boss by nicking his money to set themselves up in a better life abroad.

Excellent acting by the whole cast and it was good to see Neil Maskell doing an accent aside from his usual London geezer thing, totally nailing the northern tone.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1981140/
7/10

Perkin.

23/07/13 Only God Forgives (2013)

Lots of arseholes are wanking their chins over the over the incestuous sub-text, character development and supposedly 'dream like' visuals in this film. The translation is that everyone seems to walk around very fucking slowly, as if they're holding in an angry mud-biscuit. Kristen Scott Thomas briefly talks about one of hers sons having a big cock and Ryan fucking Gosling does his now very familiar acting 'thing' of not talking much, using a singular facial expression to convey every emotion/physical sensation and 'looking over there a

bit'. I've seen vegetation with greater range.

Frequently during this tedious, pretentious, shit-biscuit of a film, we get a POV shot from Gosling's character as he looks down at his hands and forearms. I frequently do this as well:

Total fucking bumwash.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1602613/
1/10

Perkin.

23/07/13 The World's End (2013)

What could've been a very good comedy about delaying responsibility and wanting to hang on to the folly and enthusiasm of youth takes a giant leap into the puddle of bollocks when aliens are introduced.

Some very good dialogue is wasted in a film with a fag-packet plot. Meh.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1213663/
5/10

Perkin.

21/07/13 Oblivion (2013)

Tom Cruise plays some guy who flies around in a greenhouse/fridge hybrid and talks shit about having a memory. Everyone else calls him Amanda.*

Good looking but generic nonsense that stretches credibility when it asks us to believe that Tom Cruise enjoys the company of women.

The floating gunbots are rather adorable though.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1483013/
4/10

Perkin.

*Possibly 'commander'.

20/07/13 Rushlights (2013)

Two good looking young people try to steal a load of stuff that belongs to a woman on a sofa. One of the bad guys is played by an English actor who's English accent is so bad he should be stripped of his citizenship and slapped with the Queen's glove.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1536437/
5/10

"And don't come back!"

Perkin.

20/07/13 Dead Souls (2012)

A young fella inherits a house. It has ghosts. Assorted twists are revealed like a Russian doll of predictable.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2188717/
5/10

"Where do you live?"

"14 Oakleaf Rd. Can't miss it, it's the giant two-headed crow house."

"The one with the conservatory shaped like a budgie's arse?"

"That's the one."

Perkin.

19/07/13 Territories (2010)

A bunch of pleasant young people are driving from Canada into America, when their car gets pulled over by a pair of dubious border plod.

Things go from uncertain to totally bollocksed rapidly and someone gets a torch shone up their arse. Probably checking for contraband maple syrup/hockey equipment*

Anyway, then it all goes a bit Guantanamo Bay, racial profiling/rednecks/torture/abuse of power, a private investigator channelling Iggy Pop and a lady with a puffy head.

Pretty pointless, but pretty good.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1683970/
7/10

*And other Canadian things.

Perkin Abootman.

18/07/13 Dead Man's Shoes (2004)

Well, it must be a few weeks since we last watched it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0419677/
10/10

Perkin.

18/07/13 The Rambler (2013)

A man gets out of jail, puts on a hat, seems to live inside David Lynch's mind, gets punched a bit, smokes fags then some zombies or some shit. Dunno. Has a midget.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2381355/
3.5/10

Perkin.

17/07/13 Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers (1988)

The first Sleepaway Camp was a largely terrible film with one big twist revealed in an (admittedly quite disturbing) final scene. The sequel is wholly terrible without the benefit of a twist.

Bumular nonsense.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096118/
2/10

Perkin.

17/07/13 Pawnshop Chronicles (2013)

Slightly odd, multi-arc film that centres around the curious folk who find themselves making use of a pawn shop underneath a bridge.

Three main stories and a wraparound, done in a Tarantino/Coen brothers hybrid style, works pretty well. Contains midget.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1741243/
7/10

Perkin

15/07/13 From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Proof that not all films made in the '90s were bum.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116367/
10/10

Perkin.

15/07/13 Spring Breakers (2012)

Four fuckwits piss about then become chums with a twat.

Faux-arty wank, with minimal actual content.

If all the slo-mo shots were actual speed, the film would probably only be about 20 minutes long. And better.

Worth a go if your tastes in women are on the Savile side.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2101441/
4/10

Perkin.

15/07/2013 The Wee Man (2013)

Not about a bloke into watersports but a true story of a Glasgow crim.  It's well acted but very similar to many other gangster dramas (although it was the bloke's life so that can't be helped!).

Seems Martin Compston is the go-to actor of the moment whenever a young Scottish bloke is required.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2113809/?ref_=rvi_tt

6/10

Podd

14/07/2013 Hatchet III (2013)

I was unaware of Hatchet and Hatchet II but it's about an angry bullet proof mutant ghost who haunts a swamp.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1870419/?ref_=sr_1

4/10

Podd

14/07/2013 Detention of the Dead (2012)

More zombies, this time in a school.  Cliched characters, not enough jokes and blatant rip offs of the Breakfast Club on more than one occasion (although I think the word I'm meant to use is "homage"). It's entertaining enough but nothing special.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1865346/

5/10

Podd

14/07/2013 Jug Face (2013)

Rednecks worship a pit monster (as they do) whose sacrifices are determined by some bloke who looks a bit like Will Ferrell making a jug of the next victim's face. As I summarise the plot I'm wondering how much weed the writer was on when he came up with this.  It's an above average effort and manages to be a fairly original take on the whole rednecks in the woods thing.  Sean Young's character is a contender for mother of the year.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2620736/

7/10

Podd

13/07/2013 The Demented (2013)

"From the co-producer of Nightmare on Elm Street" is one of the weakest film poster boasts I've seen in a while. Possibly only "From the catering team of Friday the 13th Part III" would be less impressive.

Why any American college students go away for the weekend together is a mystery as it always ends horribly. This time around a chemical attack turns people into zombies.

Some of the effects are quite good and the students are almost tolerable. I've already forgotten how it ended.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2113792/

5.5/10

Podd

12/07/13 World War Z (2013)

Bradley Pittman gets on assorted planes whilst being chased by angry gymnasts. Ends up in Wales, of all places. Can you imagine?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711/
5.5/10

Wales, yesterday.

Pittman on a roof flying his radio controlled helicopters. Wheeee!

Perkin.

10/07/13 Assault On Wall Street (2013)

Fucking hell! Kick me in the pods and call me Gladys! One of the best films of the year written and directed by Uwe Boll!

Some everyday fella (played by Dominic Purcell looking like a version of Clive Owen made out of bricks) is a regular fellow with a poorly wife who finds his life falling apart due to the actions of others. Things go from pear-shaped to utterly bollocksed and he decides to get his own back.

Bearing in mind, again, that Uwe Boll wrote and directed this, it's pretty shocking to see a well acted, thoughtful, intelligent film with a social conscience and a message about our times. Well, until the shooty gun stuff goes a little too bonkers. Also, the voice over during the last 30 seconds is total vagina, but I'm willing to forgive it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2368553/
9/10 (Without so much illogical violence and the voice over at the end, this would have been a 10!)

Perkin.

09/07/13 The Demented (2013)

Low budget zombie film. Some good stunts, lots of corridors. Same film I've seen before fifty hundred times.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2113792/
5/10

Perkin.

07/07/13 Star Wars (1977)

A small blonde man has the horn for his sister. A muscular Bristolian with a black helmet doesn't like him. But you've seen it, so you know that.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076759/
Choose your own score.

Perkin.

06/07/13 Death Proof (2007)

Kurt Russell crashes an old car.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1028528/
6.5/10

"Ooh! Window!" *Lick*

You don't have to look at this picture. It's pretty much just for me.

Nice of Eddie Izzard to give the girls a lift home.

great time last night, went out, got legless!

Perkin.

06/07/23 Maximum Risk (1996)

Jean Claude Van Damme plays a chap who goes over to America to kick some people.

Has a car chase involving entirely French cars and not a single one breaks down. Movie magic, probably CGI or clever editing.

Le merde.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117011/
3/10

Perkin.

06/07/13 The Employer (2013)

Some people die in a room, Billy Zane does an impression of the Oxo Family dad.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1863203/
3/10

"Would you like some gravy?"

Perkin.

05/07/13 A Field In England (2013)

Tedious, intentionally opaque, sixth-former wank.

Ben Wheatley film score: 1 good, 1 great, 1 average, 1 shit.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2375574/
2/10

Perkin.

05/07/13 Evil Dead (2013)

The original Evil Dead deserves its reputation as a horror classic. It succeeds where most horrors fail by actually being scary. One of the other things that works so well is the build-up, you know something is very wrong, but it's only during the card playing scene that things go completely hat stand and stays bonkers until the film ends.

Anyway, a remake was predictable; blah, blah, blah, pre-established brand awareness, weak script, profit.

After an introductory scene that completely gives away what the film's going to be like and massages the idiot valves of the (presumed) attention span deficient audience, a group of blandly cinegenic twenty-somethings go to a cabin in the woods to group-hug the world's healthiest looking heroin addict while she kicks the habit.

They find some dead cats and book of evil in the basement, one of 'em gets some twigs up her arse and the film spends 60 minutes doing a piss-poor cover version of the original.

It's tepid, boring, badly acted ol' wank and really not worth bothering with. Fucking shite for idiots.

It gets an extra point for some impressive practical effects.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1288558/
2/10

Terrifying/tedious, I always get those two mixed up.

Perkin.