Not as controversial, or interesting, as The Guardian and Kermode pretend it is.
Tuesday, 30 April 2019
29/04/19 Dragged Across Concrete (2018)
Bent plod rob some robbers.
Not as controversial, or interesting, as The Guardian and Kermode pretend it is.
Not as controversial, or interesting, as The Guardian and Kermode pretend it is.
29/04/19 Gridlocked (2015)
Silly but fun enough nonsense which is essentially a dumb version of Assault On Precinct 13.
But without children getting shot through the ice cream.
But without children getting shot through the ice cream.
29/04/19 Devil At The Crossroads (2019)
Short documentary about Robert Johnson. Nothing particularly new, and much left out, but still a decent watch if you're interested in long-dead fret-pluckers.
28/04/19 Into The Inferno (2016)
A Werner Herzog documentary about volcanoes.
And also some bits about North Korea's lack of unregulated thought and ancient human remains found in sand and stuff.
Still, Herzog could make a documentary about his favourite cufflinks and it'd still be fascinating.
And also some bits about North Korea's lack of unregulated thought and ancient human remains found in sand and stuff.
Still, Herzog could make a documentary about his favourite cufflinks and it'd still be fascinating.
28/04/19 The Dirt (2019)
Netflix Commissioners meeting:
"Hey, you know how Bohemian Rhapsody was a huge success?"
"Yeah."
"And how, as a central figure to the story, Freddie Mercury was a compelling, intelligent, sympathetic character with great talent?"
"Yeah."
"How about we remake it, but about some fucking idiots?"
*PRESSES GREEN LIGHT BUTTON*
"Hey, you know how Bohemian Rhapsody was a huge success?"
"Yeah."
"And how, as a central figure to the story, Freddie Mercury was a compelling, intelligent, sympathetic character with great talent?"
"Yeah."
"How about we remake it, but about some fucking idiots?"
*PRESSES GREEN LIGHT BUTTON*
28/04/19 Shot! (2016)
Biography of Mick Rock, the man who shot the cover photos of almost every half-decent album between 1970-85.
Half the time he's an engaging, insightful fella with interesting stories to tell, the rest of it he rambles on about quasi-hippy bollocks like some type of camera-happy Rowley Birkin.
Half the time he's an engaging, insightful fella with interesting stories to tell, the rest of it he rambles on about quasi-hippy bollocks like some type of camera-happy Rowley Birkin.
27/04/19 Forbidden World (1982)
If you're over 35, you'll probably know what to expect from a film like this.
If you're under 35, the VHS era was either a minefield or an ocean of gems, depending on your tastes.
If you're under 35, the VHS era was either a minefield or an ocean of gems, depending on your tastes.
"Last one there's a terrible actor!.. first is as well."
"Hello, Ken. You're looking well. Any issues?"
"Thanks, Doc. Not really. Bit of flesh melting, nothing too bad."
"Will you sign Meredith's leaving card?"
"No. Never liked the fat cow."
"Hi, Meredith. We clubbed together and bought you a little something. It's some binoculars wrapped in duct tape or some shit."
"Lovely! Thank you, Tony!"
27/04/19 The Bouncer (2018)
JonhnnyClive DamnVan is now trying to do grown up acting as well as punching people up the cock.
He's learned well from Schwarzenegger's recent attempts (the one where his family die on a plane and the one where his family become a zombie) and has realised that keeping dialogue to a minimum helps in the attempt at being credible.
In fairness, it ain't bad.
He's learned well from Schwarzenegger's recent attempts (the one where his family die on a plane and the one where his family become a zombie) and has realised that keeping dialogue to a minimum helps in the attempt at being credible.
In fairness, it ain't bad.
Look it up, it's called The Bouncer over here. Bloody film titles.
27/04/19 Escape Room (2019)
A film about a bunch of apparently randomly selected idiots who get locked in a puzzle that tries to kill them. Completely unrelated to the film Escape Room that we recently saw about a bunch of randomly selected idiots who get locked in a puzzle that tries to kill them.
This one was definitely the better of the two. But, y'know, don't push yourself.
This one was definitely the better of the two. But, y'know, don't push yourself.
27/04/19 The Field Guide To Evil (2018)
Interesting idea, a series of horror/spooky shorts based on ancient folklore entities from different countries made independently and put together in an anthology.
Shame that the ones we saw (gave up about two-thirds in) were so dull.
Shame that the ones we saw (gave up about two-thirds in) were so dull.
Friday, 26 April 2019
24/04/19 Black Site (2018)
Sort of like a cover version of John Carpenter's (cocking fantastic) Prince of Darkness, but with a budget the size of a pip and in need of an editorial trim.
However, a fun central idea, does pretty well within its limits and I've seen much worse that cost much more.
The writer/director shows a good amount of promise.
The cultist ninjas are tedious bollocks though.
However, a fun central idea, does pretty well within its limits and I've seen much worse that cost much more.
The writer/director shows a good amount of promise.
The cultist ninjas are tedious bollocks though.
23/04/19 In The Fade (2017)
Very good German film about the aftermath of a terrorist bomb.
The synopsis on the streaming site made it out to be a revenge flick akin to the recently watched Peppermint, but the reality is something mostly based around courtroom dialogue, a Hans Grisham type thing.
The synopsis on the streaming site made it out to be a revenge flick akin to the recently watched Peppermint, but the reality is something mostly based around courtroom dialogue, a Hans Grisham type thing.
22/04/19 Carry On Matron (1972)
Even though I was working over Easter, as I do every fucking bank holiday, I still managed to *Yack yack!* squeeze one in.
Sid James seen here in his first role as a 14yr old child actor.
The English, recognised throughout the world for our dry, sophisticated humour.
They won't go hungry.
*Slide whistle noise*
Pretty much the inspiration for Baywatch.
Perkin.
Also, Fucking hell! How stunning was Valerie Leon back then?!
22/04/19 Sicario: Day Of The Soldado
Third time I've seen it, still excellent. The film's title run through an anagram generator yields results including:
Adolf Dissociated Hooray
Coated Fairy Ooh Ass Dildo
Both of which also sound like films that could get high praise.
Adolf Dissociated Hooray
Coated Fairy Ooh Ass Dildo
Both of which also sound like films that could get high praise.
20/04/19 The Miami Showband Massacre (2019)
I don't like to give Netflix much credit, as it's a fairly shite provider of mostly rubbish content, however this documentary is brilliant.
Reminds me, I really must dig out and read the copy of Who Framed Colin Wallace that my brother gave me.
10/10
Reminds me, I really must dig out and read the copy of Who Framed Colin Wallace that my brother gave me.
10/10
18/04/19 The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot (2018)
Wanky titled film that isn't as fun as you'd assume or as introspective and touching as it wants to be.
5/10
5/10
Thursday, 18 April 2019
17/04/19 Replicas (2018)
In what is possibly cinema's most ambitious piece of casting, Keanu Reeves plays a polymath scientist who accidentally kills his family after forgetting how brake pedals work.
Rather than being particularly upset, or hitting the town as a newly single man, Johnny Utah PhD instead decides to drop a few flesh-eggs into bubbling vats of birthing jelly and grow himself a replacement clone family.
All well and good, but I hope he knows what he's doing. I once tried to grow some carrots and they came out oddly shaped and stumpy. I'm guessing that growing a new human is possibly a little more complex than a brightly coloured root vegetable. Dunno, I'm sure Professor Ted 'Theodore' Logan knows his stuff.
Things seem to go fairly well, and Dr. John Wick takes delivery of some freshly made family members. He then puts all their memories back in place using magic wire hats.
Apart from bad memories, which Senior Lecturer Neo Matrix manages to locate and delete from his family's digitally stored mindbrains using some form of Google Memory search engine. Of course.
Anyway, there's also a robot, some gunfights and yet more utterly bumhole science and eventually flops into a predictable ending.
To watch as a film, it's piss-poor, to watch with chums and rip the piss out of, it's a bit of a gem.
Whoa, dude/10
Rather than being particularly upset, or hitting the town as a newly single man, Johnny Utah PhD instead decides to drop a few flesh-eggs into bubbling vats of birthing jelly and grow himself a replacement clone family.
All well and good, but I hope he knows what he's doing. I once tried to grow some carrots and they came out oddly shaped and stumpy. I'm guessing that growing a new human is possibly a little more complex than a brightly coloured root vegetable. Dunno, I'm sure Professor Ted 'Theodore' Logan knows his stuff.
Things seem to go fairly well, and Dr. John Wick takes delivery of some freshly made family members. He then puts all their memories back in place using magic wire hats.
Apart from bad memories, which Senior Lecturer Neo Matrix manages to locate and delete from his family's digitally stored mindbrains using some form of Google Memory search engine. Of course.
Anyway, there's also a robot, some gunfights and yet more utterly bumhole science and eventually flops into a predictable ending.
To watch as a film, it's piss-poor, to watch with chums and rip the piss out of, it's a bit of a gem.
Whoa, dude/10
"We can finally be together. Kiss me, kiss me like you've never kissed any other sac of fluid."
"Is it Tuesday? What's for dinner? Are you my nurse?"
Japanese vending machines are taking the piss now.
"Don't be smart mouthing me, boy! I'll swim over there and show you the pimp side of my hand!"
"I'm gonna send a tweet to Boris Johnson and tell him what a pork-faced cunt he is."
"Bill and Ted's Bogus Accident"
"I don't care if you go to the ends of the Earth! I only need one more giant button to complete my collection. Find it!!!"
"Not now, I'm busy being science!"
Keanu and his bowl had many adventures together.
Yes.
Perkin.
Wednesday, 17 April 2019
16/04/19 A Dark Place (2018)
A young boy is found dead in a stream at the edges of a small town. A local, educationally stunted man suspects there's something more to the story than the official explanation of a tragic drowning. With a poor understanding of the world, but a shy bravery, he looks into it and finds himself descending into a spiral of secrets and dark deeds.
A British film with a mostly Irish main cast, filmed and set in the US sounds like a recipe for a mess, but it's fucking brilliant. Andrew Scott who plays the intrepid Donald is bloody excellent.
It's rare that someone can play a character with learning difficulties as subtly, sympathetically and, most important, realistically as he does in this.
I hope this film is widely seen.
10/10 (It should be a 9/10 due to one fairly naff cliche, but as I imagine it'll pass under the radar for most, I'll give it a full house)
A British film with a mostly Irish main cast, filmed and set in the US sounds like a recipe for a mess, but it's fucking brilliant. Andrew Scott who plays the intrepid Donald is bloody excellent.
It's rare that someone can play a character with learning difficulties as subtly, sympathetically and, most important, realistically as he does in this.
I hope this film is widely seen.
10/10 (It should be a 9/10 due to one fairly naff cliche, but as I imagine it'll pass under the radar for most, I'll give it a full house)
14/04/19 Chuck Norris Vs. Communism (2015)
I bet Adam Curtis shat himself with tofu-scented rage when someone got to do this story before him.
"This is the story of how the humble VHS tape, and the modest bravery of some black marketeers, brought down an oppressive dictatorship" He would say at the start of the film, and then talk a lot more, throw in some interesting facts and play lots of grainy, barely relevant archive footage of buildings and cars.
But, well, this kinda IS the story of how some scratchy pirate films, black marketeer bravery and a movement of people getting fucking fed-up with being treated like shit by their 'leaders' led to the downfall of an oppressive dictatorship.
And it's fucking superb! See it.
10/10
"This is the story of how the humble VHS tape, and the modest bravery of some black marketeers, brought down an oppressive dictatorship" He would say at the start of the film, and then talk a lot more, throw in some interesting facts and play lots of grainy, barely relevant archive footage of buildings and cars.
But, well, this kinda IS the story of how some scratchy pirate films, black marketeer bravery and a movement of people getting fucking fed-up with being treated like shit by their 'leaders' led to the downfall of an oppressive dictatorship.
And it's fucking superb! See it.
10/10
12/04/19 The Wind (2018)
Men always bravely battle supernatural forces and overcome terrible odds to emerge victorious.
Women are never sure if something is actually supernatural or just their silly lady-minds playing tricks on them.
Beautifully shot, well acted, derivative and dull.
Women are never sure if something is actually supernatural or just their silly lady-minds playing tricks on them.
Beautifully shot, well acted, derivative and dull.
10/04/19 The Silence (2019)
Netflix meeting. 2018.
"Remember how A Quiet Place was the biggest film in cinemas last year?"
"Yup."
"And how it wasn't actually THAT amazing, but everyone wanked themselves blue over it?"
"Yup."
"And then we released a cover version called Bird Box where Sandy Bollock put a bag on a kid's head and went rafting?"
"Yup."
"And everyone thought that was also cocking fantastic. For some reason."
"Yup."
"Well! How about we water down the formula once again, make the characters as dull as possible, the explanation of the global plight embarrassingly unlikely and chuck in a few human baddies with motives and methods that are laughably illogical?"
"Yup."
4/10
"Remember how A Quiet Place was the biggest film in cinemas last year?"
"Yup."
"And how it wasn't actually THAT amazing, but everyone wanked themselves blue over it?"
"Yup."
"And then we released a cover version called Bird Box where Sandy Bollock put a bag on a kid's head and went rafting?"
"Yup."
"And everyone thought that was also cocking fantastic. For some reason."
"Yup."
"Well! How about we water down the formula once again, make the characters as dull as possible, the explanation of the global plight embarrassingly unlikely and chuck in a few human baddies with motives and methods that are laughably illogical?"
"Yup."
4/10
06/04/19 The Siege Of Jadotville (2016)
Cracking bit of war film action that appears to be very close to the true event that inspired it.
Where 150 Irish UN soldiers came up across 3000 better armed opposition fighters and thought "Fuck it, let's have a go."
The moral of the story is, don't piss about with Irish soldiers even if you outnumber them.
Where 150 Irish UN soldiers came up across 3000 better armed opposition fighters and thought "Fuck it, let's have a go."
The moral of the story is, don't piss about with Irish soldiers even if you outnumber them.
05/04/19 The Highwaymen (2019)
How the fucking hell was Kevin Costner such a big deal in the '80s/90s?
Alright, I'll give you Fandango, about the only time he played a character with a bit of life in him, but c'mon, this is a fella whose entire list of IMDB entries should be characters named "Sensible uncle".
I dunno, I'm possibly the most non-descript human you'll ever meet, so I'm in no position to cast judgement of other people's apparent lack of personality.
Anyway, this film's about the people who eventually shot the piss out of Bonnie and Clyde.
It's alright.
5/10
Alright, I'll give you Fandango, about the only time he played a character with a bit of life in him, but c'mon, this is a fella whose entire list of IMDB entries should be characters named "Sensible uncle".
I dunno, I'm possibly the most non-descript human you'll ever meet, so I'm in no position to cast judgement of other people's apparent lack of personality.
Anyway, this film's about the people who eventually shot the piss out of Bonnie and Clyde.
It's alright.
5/10
03/04/19 Blindspotting (2018)
Excellent indy Yank film about gentrification, institutional racism, redemption and identity.
Er. That, really.
Er. That, really.
31/03/19 White Chamber (2018)
A mini-budget Brit effort that does OK under its limitations although sometimes seems like a second-rate cover version of the equally cheap, but vastly superior film Cube.
Not bad.
Not bad.
31/03/19 The Most Unknown (2018)
A middle-brow, but ambitious documentary. The core message being that almost everything is connected, from robotics, human memory, the stars and islands full of monkeys, there is connections and patterns that link all things.
To understand the connections is to understand ourselves, to find unity, to improve individually and collectively.
It's an affirming, hopeful message. Much needed in a time where the willful embrace of ignorance carries so much social currency.
9/10
To understand the connections is to understand ourselves, to find unity, to improve individually and collectively.
It's an affirming, hopeful message. Much needed in a time where the willful embrace of ignorance carries so much social currency.
9/10
30/03/19 Edge Of Fear (2018)
Average film about a bunch of wrong'uns who take a pair of terrible actors hostage.
4/10
4/10
30/03/19 The Legend Of Cocaine Island (2018)
An 'off grid' hippy-type fella living on a tropical island finds a bag washed up on a beach. It's got (if I remember correctly) 8 kilos of cocaine inside. Not knowing what to do with it, he buries it on a patchy bit of land near the shack he lives in.
A few years later, he's returned to the USA where word of his buried narcotreasure finds its way to a once successful building contractor who's fallen on difficult times.
What else would a man with no experience in the (under)world of illegal drug smuggling and sales do but choose to fly to the island, dig it up, somehow smuggle it back then manage to flog it?
Blinded by the thought of easy millions, he decides to enlist the help of a clueless workplace Jnr. (with his own, entirely different type of drug problems) and a man he met in a bar who magically claims to be an experienced drug traffiking middle-man.
Well, of course.
So, yeah, a documentary which sounds like a plot line from The Trailer Park Boys.
Very entertaining.
A few years later, he's returned to the USA where word of his buried narcotreasure finds its way to a once successful building contractor who's fallen on difficult times.
What else would a man with no experience in the (under)world of illegal drug smuggling and sales do but choose to fly to the island, dig it up, somehow smuggle it back then manage to flog it?
Blinded by the thought of easy millions, he decides to enlist the help of a clueless workplace Jnr. (with his own, entirely different type of drug problems) and a man he met in a bar who magically claims to be an experienced drug traffiking middle-man.
Well, of course.
So, yeah, a documentary which sounds like a plot line from The Trailer Park Boys.
Very entertaining.
Tuesday, 16 April 2019
24/03/19 Terrifier (2016)
Evil clown kills people.
Excellent, non-CGI gore and suchlike, so if you enjoy that sort of thing, this will probably tickle your pickle.
22/03/19 The Mule (2018)
Dull vanity piece for the 147yr old Clint Eastwood that would've made a far more interesting documentary.
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