Tuesday, 31 January 2017

30/01/17 Immune (2016)

Other reviews of this post-zombie apocalypse film have said that it's a reflective study on themes of loneliness and need.

Fuck off. I normally try and champion low budget films, but this one's a proper coiled turd of dullness and ineptitude. I appreciate that, at this level, anything that even resembles a finished film at the end of editing is likely to have been a labour of love, but generosity has limits.
If watched with others, this could be greatly funny, or at least fun. There must be a drinking game that would work well with this:

Take a sip every time:

Someone delivers dialogue so flatly you could use their voice as a spirit level. (Seriously, Steven Hawking's chair has a greater vocal range than everyone in this.)

Actually, no, don't do that. You'll be pissed, unconscious or dead before the first twenty minutes are up.

Although if watching alone, you might feel the need to drink to get through the whole film.

Y'know what, thinking about it, everyone should check this out. I could tap on for ages about how piss-poor it is, but only witnessing it for yourself will truly get it across.

Also, this film, apparently, had a budget of £180,000.

So, presumably, the director bought a Bentley for £179,500, a camcorder, and a KFC Family Bucket to cover catering?



30/01/17 Gimme Danger (2016)

If you look up the Stooges on Wikipedia, then imagine a small leathery man reading it out to you, that's pretty much what this is.

If you're a fan, you'll like it, if not, probably won't.



30/01/17 Get The Girl (2017)

A wealthy fellow who's unlucky with the ladies arranges the kidnap of the girl he obsesses over from a distance. His plan being that he will, with the kidnapper's understanding, heroically rescue her which will result in her falling madly in love with her savoir.
Of course it goes to wank and people start dying all over the place.

Not brilliant, and one aspect of the plot is flawed almost beyond forgiveness, but it's very entertaining and has some funny lines.



29/01/17 Sometimes They Come Back (1991)

Pretty lame Stephen King adaptation about some high school students/gang members, in their mid-twenties, who die in a car accident then come back 27 years later to haunt the chap who they were tormenting at the time of their deaths.
Thus meaning, if we aged in the next world, they'd actually all be in their early fifties by then.

*Rattle of chains*

"Ooooooh!.. I see interest rates have gone up."

*Puts down newspaper*

"Anyway, if you need me, I'll be in the ghost shed trying to fix that bloody lawnmower."

Yeah, it's pretty mediocre stuff but does have that enjoyably naff TV film vibe.


Cool poster though.


29/01/17 Gorenos (2016)

Some young fella gets a strange mark on the back of his neck as he approaches his 18th birthday, soon after his friends start dying in peculiar ways.

At one point in the film, one character says to another "You're a good actor".

Total fibs. He clearly isn't.



28/01/17 The Thinning (2016)

A film released by the YouTube production house.

Odd that YouTube, owned by Google, would choose to release a film about the dangers of state/corporate power and reliance on technology in the measure of a human's worth. Wonder if the next film will be called 'Cunty Tax Dodgers'?

Truth is, as a film aimed at teenagers about a dystopian future where overpopulation is controlled by the culling of the lowest achievers, it was better than we expected.



28/01/17 Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later (1998)

I didn't watch this, Podd did.

I saw it about 18 years ago. Thought it was a bit...

Hang on, let's invent some new rhyming slang.

This film's a bit birds in flight.