Sunday, 4 October 2015

03/10/2015 Ashby (2015)

New kid in town is befriended by an older neighbour (but not in a Savile way) with an interesting past. Highly enjoyable and touching (again, not in a Savile way) film with great performances particularly by Mickey Rourke, Nat Wolff and Sarah Silverman.

A brief one tonight as we are getting ready to move to a new Plop Towers tomorrow. As a result we're going to be offline until later this month until the inteyweb is plumbed in at the new gaff. Laters peeps.



Thursday, 1 October 2015

01/10/15 Belly Of The Beast (2003)

Steven Segal film that's so hilarishit, we're going to 'live plop' it.

This is the masterpiece in question:

Update 1: Breaking into a house for an unknown reason, Stevey does a pointless roly-poly into an empty room, then squints to look around. Like a clumsy, overweight cat or something.

Update 2: Steve briefly speaks Thai. He squeezes his face into an odd shape and sounds strangely like Eric Cartman.

Note: This was just before Stevey started becoming rather, ahem, 'portly'. The title is not related to his waistline.

Commercial break, more soon.

Update 3: For got to mention, also at the start. Steve slides across the floor like a circular superman. It were ace.

Update 4: Steve's gone to a restaurant in his pyjamas. They're blue.

Update 5: Outrageous slow motion shoot out in an abandoned train yard apparently involving every person in Thailand who happens to own a gun. The evil crime boss lady breezes through the centre of it (wearing a strapless cocktail dress) and escapes without a hair out of place in a chauffeur driven Jaguar (the car not the mammal although that couldn't have made it any less plausible). 

Update 6: Unpleasant sex scene between Steve and a Thai lady. Fades to a sea shot before you see his torso or her penis.

Update 7: Been for a poo, desperately hoping I didn't miss any essential plot advancements. 

Update 8: A picture of the great man deep in thought/looking like a satsuma:

Brings to mind the brilliant Barry Norman description of Steve as "A man who looks like he hasn't enjoyed a bowel movement in some time"

Update 9: Steve just punched a woman in the tit. Cad!

Update 10: Turns out it's a bloke. Thailand, eh?

Update 11: Steve just shot an arrow that was flying towards him. Yes.

Update 12: Steve's suffering from a voodoo style assault. Baddie should stick a pin in his appetite. 

Update 13: Another golden face picture. Golden as in that's his colour, not, like, 'golden opportunity' or something considered perfect:

Update 14: Film's now finished, so that pretty much ties this up as well. An entirely pointless variation, 'plopping' a film live as no one really reads this shit at the best of times. Great film though.*

*Terrible cock.


01/10/15 The Goob (2014)

Incredibly indie film about a young fella, Mr Goob of the title, who lives in very rural Norfolk and how he spends a summer after leaving school.

It relies far too much on the slightly pretentious, hipster film thing of being much more interested in mood than story, as such the characters are a little too oblique and you observe them rather than relate to them.

Also, I got a bit cast-confused at one point and didn't know if the blonde woman Goob was talking to was his mum or sister.

Then, realising it's set in rural Norfolk, I figured he probably didn't know either as she may have been both.



Anyway, if you're into hipster films about stock car racing pumpkin farmer redneck folk, this one's for you.



Wednesday, 30 September 2015

28/09/15 The Dead Pool (1988)

The really bad Dirty Harry film that involves a car chase with a toy car and embarrassing Guns N Roses cameos.


28/09/15 Plunkett and McCleane (1999)

This got seriously bollocksed by the reviewers when it came out. Dunno why, it's an enjoyable enough load of nonsense. Why listen to the opinion of paid critics when you can read this poorly thought out shit instead?

Although all opinions on here are correct and should be adopted as your own.


28/09/15 Anti-Social (2015)

Considering it's apparent low budget, this Brit crime effort actually has some impressive moments. It's not gonna blow your mind or anything, and it suffers from many of the usual cliches, but it's not actually half as bad as I was expecting.
7/10 Or a bit more/less.


--/09/15 Teen Lust (2014)

A cross between American Pie and the pleasingly silly TV show Todd and the Book of Pure Evil. Canadian. Like a moose dipped in maple syrup playing Ice Hockey and being reasonable about everything.