Monday, 27 July 2015

27/07/15 Laserblast (1978)

It would work well as a double bill with Gymkata.
5/10 (With +/- 5 points, depending on what you're after)

Dr Mellon? Sounds more like a Sid James kinda thing to me. Y'know, assisted by Matron Bristols etc.

"That's right, son. U.S. Army insanity division. Decorated at the battle of Bibble-Bibble Ridge. No if you don't mind, I'm busy, those windows ain't gonna lick themselves."

"Desmond! Found yer egg whisk, mate. left it in the desert again, you bellamy!"

"Would you like a glass of piss?"
"Yeah, thanks, er, Rodney Bewes?"

"To give the quick explanation, Croydon."

"I'm about to start my French car for the first time, will it be safe?"



26/07/15 Catch Hell (2014)

A young actor gets kidnapped by a pair of rednecks as he apparently did a sex with a Mrs Redneck. Some lightly satirical touches that elevate it beyond the usual bumrape-in-a-shack stuff.


25/07/15 Dark Was The Night (2015

Small town. Something eeeeeevil in the woods. Sheriff investigates. Lots of blue filter. Shares title with cracking bit of music.


24/07/15 Gymkata (1985)

Picture yourself as a high ranking decision maker involved in black ops during the cold war. There's a hostile, yet very strategically important, area that you think you may be able to convert to your way of thinking. Do you use:

A. Force? Send in a team of crack, shadowy elites to dispose of any obstacles and smoothly install a figurehead leader who plays for your team.

B. Financial incentives? A huge skip full of cash has universally persuasive powers. In the long game it will be a small price for a big advantage.

C. Co-operation? The offer of partnership and protection boosts the host nation's standing in the global arena and can bring all manner of economic/social opportunities.

D. A somersaulting 100lb dwarf in a Christmas jumper who can cartwheel and ponce about on a trampoline?

If you're lucky enough to have friends who enjoy watching terrible old shit for the unintentional humour with you, this one's a gem. Watching it on your own though, it's a bit of a drag.

"Falconry, Paul, is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you choose a bird, then you put on some protection, find a place in the countryside giver her a good workout."
"Tony, your a fucking prick."
"I... I know, Paul. I'm lonely."

Yup, definitely be my choice to infiltrate a hostile Asian nation.

"...But you may know me by my street name, G-Money Killa"

"Tokyo Drift, mate. Best in the series."

Forking nonsense.

"Hello, Keith."

"Welcome to the league of heterosexuals"


24/07/15 The Fly 2 (1989)

He's back and even fly-ier! This time he means buzzness!

Enjoyable sequel which tells the story of Seth Brundle's son going from larvae, to child, to adult, to house pest. He was taken at birth by some generic EvilCorp who keep him housed in escape-proof labs where he is left to continue his dad's work. The main bad guy/boss of EvilCorp has always known that when Mini-Brundle reaches puberty, he will transform into a giant fly. For some reason he considers this creature his most valuable asset. Why?

What cocking good would a giant fly be? Presumably, as they normally do in such films, he has military potential in mind? So instead of remotely piloted missiles that can destroy a civilisation within the clench of a sphincter, this guy thinks the future of warfare is sending an army of  large insects onto the battlefield? Certainly it would be an intimidating sight, but any opposing strategists could probably prepare by installing large heaps of rotting food and a giant lightbulb for them to buzz around. Like the twats that occasionally make their way into my house do.

If any flies are reading this, you're total dicks, with your 500 eyes and whatnot.

The first hour plods a bit, but it really picks up in the last 25 minutes once he's fully transformed. Excellent creature effects. I suppose they had pretty much reached a peak in the late '80s before CGI invaded and spoiled everything.

"Am I a fly?"

"Don't be daft, Cuthbert. We're both penguins."

"I love you in that jumper. May I smell it?"
"No. ...Yes."

"Don't be all up in my shit. dawg."

Scene for the Japanese market. They love all that.


23/07/15 Dawn Patrol (2014)

Fairly tedious stuff about a young twat who gets murdered by another twat and his brother taking revenge. The twist was better than I was expecting though.

The people in this film are mostly surfers, there's a bit of that  twaddle about being "connected to the waves, man" and all that shit. I really wanted to try surfing some years ago, as it looks fun, not because I felt a tantric draw towards splashing about in water whilst wearing a rubber onsie like some kind of aquatic ponce. I reckon it'd be mostly rubbish anyway and you'd spend most of the time nearly drowning, falling off, having bits of poo float past and getting eaten by jellyfish.


23/07/15 Peterman (2014)

Story about a young junkie who's on the path to ruin, when some criminals abduct him and force him into cold turkey so he can crack open a safe for them.

I wonder if anyone will see this under the assumption that it's yet another fucking Marvel film about the world's dullest superhero. Called Peter. With a big 'P' on his chest.

P on his chest? Easy now, German readers.