Thursday, 21 January 2016

20/01/16 Outland (1981)

Sean Connery plays a Spacecop. Not bad if you're in the mood for a drab looking Sci Fi western.


20/01/16 Kill Kane (2016)

Imagine Dead Man's Shoes, but shit.

Watch Dead Man's Shoes instead, that's fucking brilliant.


--/01/16 Born Wild (2013)

Some bloke, can't remember his name, let's call him Billy Penis, gets out of jail, meets a number of family members he didn't know about, buys a pub, bit of fighting, ends. Not great, but the actors tried their best and I've seen worse.


--/01/16 The Abandoned (2015)

Woman gets a job in a spooky building. Spooky things occur. Ends. Starts well, gets boring.


--/01/16 Mercury Plains (2016)

Not a bad idea for a film, US criminals acting as FBI over the Mexican border to rip off drugs and money being shifted around by the cartels.

Would the FBI actually have any legal authority in that country? I know they have arrested some people here in the U.K., but America still seem to have the controlling share of this country with China making great gains recently.

I mean, working under the assumption that whatever slim remains there are of state assets will soon by sold off by this current government of truth-murdering, poor-hating child-fuckers, who do we actually want running the UK by default in the next few years?

Pros China:
Lots of cool temples and loads of history.
Good at martial arts.
Far away and exotic-ish.
Bloody love rice!
All seem to live to about 400 years old consuming only gravel and cigarettes.

Pros America:
They speak a basic version of our language.
Good at guns.
Often very lovely people.
Bloody love burgers!
Almost every car they built between 1950-1980 gets me tragically excited.


Cons China:
Aggressive expansionist capitalism under a veneer of socialism? It'd be Tony Blair all over again.
Speak lots of funny languages that sound like they're having an angry poo.
Anything they build with an engine appears to have the resilience of explosive chocolate.
Even thinking about workplace rights will prob get you shot.

Cons America:
Aggressive expansionist capitalism considered a path of true divinity.
Speak like cunts. Loudly.
Can't handle their drink.
Doing anything will prob get you shot.

Oh yeah, the film's alright for a cheap effort. A little more polish and it would've been quite good.

Oh, If you're American or Chinese, shut-up you cabbage. All the above was written from the perspective of someone living in a wankhole country that you probably own more of than I ever will.

Don't mean that in the UKIP sense, I'd change my name to Chevrolet Ping before I ever voted for those cunts.

I'll stop now.


--/01/16 StalkHer (2015)

Man stalks woman, turns out she might be a bit odd as well. Australian.


--/01/16 The Devil's Advocate (1997)

Keanu Reeves plays a small town lawyer who's employed by Al Pacino's city high-flyer to do law things. 
Turns out Pacino's character may be a little older and more sinister than first appearances. The clue is in the film's title and the fact that Pacino plays someone called B. L. Zeebub or Kenneth Secretlydevil or whatnot. Anyway, it's a load of twaddle, but I was comfy on the sofa and it came on TV.