Monday, 28 April 2014

28/04/14 Sleep Tight (2011)

Spanish film where a rum bugger with massive eyebrows stalks a lady and buys some porn for a child.


27/04/14 Tokarev (2014)

Not yet out, but might be on certain popular streaming video sites.

Not just terrible in its own right, but Wigolas Cage's pretend hair was distractingly mental. At times it looked like it was drawn on with a marker pen, at others it was like some odd jet-black, synthetic mass that appeared to be both wispy and thick at the same time, resembling some kind of gothic candyfloss.

Anyway, it's awful.


Hair and face.

Ed China.

This hair is more organic that Cage's.

"Cheese, anyone? Cheese? Before I put it back in the fridge?"


26/04/14 Ghost In The Machine (1993)

Made in that era when most people had just about heard of the internet, but no one really knew much about it, so screenwriters would slap in words like 'mainframe' and 'computer log on' and hope they'd be future proofing their script long enough to ensure a profit.

Anyway, a serial killer who chooses his victims by stealing address books and killing the people in them, dies whilst inside a hospital scanner thing and defies every known law of physics, biology and electricity by climbing into the new fangled exciting interwebnets to stalk his next victims via microwaves, computers, dishwashers, plugs and all that stuff.

It's fantastically arse.
Loads/10 (In a rubbish way)

"Attractive women in my area wanna meet me? brilliant!"

White people. Terrible, really.

"What is this magic speaking noisebox?"
"It's a phone, you bellamy!"
"I don't understand."

This is my control centre that prepares me for 'sexy time'. Once I flip Activate, prepare yourself!

"I have a better basic understanding of science than the writers of this film."

Twenty years ago, these graphics were amazing*

"I still don't get this thing. Does it be magic?"

'My Conjoined Ethnically Different Mini-Twin' was a low point for '90s sitcoms.


25/04/14 Portrait Of A Zombie (2012)

One of the increasing number of zombie films that try and do the socio-realism thing. It kinda does that bit fairly well, it's just the rest which is a bit arse. The acting and dialogue ranges from competent to making your face hurt.


24/04/14 Banshee Chapter (2013)

Pretty decent low budget creepflick about a drug that not only opens the doors of perception, but allows otherwordly entities to step through and mess up your evening.

At one point a character said "They want to wear us". Probably like a skin-hat and some flesh-gloves.

Ted Levine is very good as a Hunter S. Thompson tribute act.

20/04/14 Devil's Due (2014)

The world's blandest couple go on honeymoon and accidentally become the parents to some kinda Satan baby or some shit. Those forrins, eh? Can't be trusted.

Because, obviously, if Satan existed, he/it would choose a pair of cinegenic dullard peoplebots to spawn his infant of darkness.

It's a bit like Rosemary's Baby, but shit.


Sunday, 20 April 2014

20/04/14 Wolf Creek 2 (2013)

Average Australian kills people in utterly pointless sequel. John Jarratt does good nutter though.


20/04/14 The Great St Trinians Train Robbery (1966)

Girls and young women in revealing skirts and a man blacked-up with a joke ethnic accent. Basically a UKIP conference.


19/04/14 Dead Of Night (1945)

Vintage anthology spook-flick. Very of its era in some ways, and not in others. The brilliant Adam Curtis talks of it in this blog entry of his:

Although he does give away the twist and the end.

Anyway, yeah, it's fun old nonsense.

Back when people were called Basil, Naunton and Peggy.

"So it's agreed, car keys in the fruitbowl and no awkward questions in the morning." 

After dinner, the gentlemen stood to enjoy a phat blunt.

Things were so formal in 1945, this was pyjamas.

In fact they were SO stiff and formal people risked becoming wood.

However obesity was not the problem it is now, people had to just pretend being fat.

"So what is 'non-reversable Progressive Lerp Syndrome?"
"It means I increasingly become trouser."


19/04/14 China Girl (1987)

Some idiots have an unconvincing gang war because they are frustrated at being bad actors.


19/04/14 Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013)

Johnny Knoxville dresses up as an old man and plays pranks on unsuspecting public peoplefolk. The most entertaining part is when he throws money at an eight-year-old transvestite boy who is stripping on a stage.

And that, dear reader, is the most worrying, netpolice-alarm-triggering sentence I've ever typed.


19/04/14 The Raid 2 (2014)

The pint-sized puncher from the first film returns in an over-long, disappointingly sane follow up.

The lunacy picks up in the last twenty minutes, but it takes far too long to get there. Enjoyable enough on its own merits, but not as wonderfully bonkers as the first.

MY brother and I saw this in the West End, apparently on the same day when the entire fucking world decided to go to London and amble around like some type of fleshy tumbleweeds.


19/04/14 Carry On At Your Convenience (1971)

The one with the toilets. Not as silly as some of the others.


Saturday, 19 April 2014

18/04/14 The Bourne Supremacy (2004)

The middle bit of the trilogy.


18/04/14 Eye Of God (1997)

A very well acted film about misery.

This is a nebula in space, also called The Eye Of God. It doesn't appear in the film.
Looks bloody amazing though, eh?


17/04/14 Seedpeople (1992)

This had great potential to to be a high-chuckle bumwater classic. Sadly it makes the fatal mistake of trying to be an actual film. A double mistake when you consider the evil alien pod-monsters look like bipedal scrotums.

Ah well.

"I've told you before, my land is not for sale, now leave!"
"LOL! Your hand is tiny."

Probably lives in Croydon.

Evil monster space-bollock.

A bukkake scene? Oh, right, 'Seed' people.


Friday, 18 April 2014

16/04/14 Hardcore (1979)

Film about a young girl who runs away from a summer camp to star in sordid bongo flicks, and her stuffy, repressed dad who goes and looks for her. Surprisingly bleak and bare film, no one comes out of it looking particularly good. The acting and soundtrack are both excellent.

This poor man just spent fifteen minutes reading comments on YouTube.

Bloody hair like that should get you burnt at the stake.

"Hello, I phoned earlier, I'm here to photograph your children. I'll need a warm towel and some onions."

"They serve tea, comfortable seating and a children's play area. Perfect!"
"Yeah, it scored highly in the Mumsnet reviews."

Is it just me, or does this guy look like a righ fucking wrong 'un?

He can fuck off as well. Jacket wearing twat.


Wednesday, 16 April 2014

15/04/14 The Terrornauts (1967)

Never heard of this until Empire magazine reviewed it last month describing it as a British version of Plan 9 From Outer Space with Charles Hawtrey. Pretty fair summary.

Lovely silly twaddle.

"Sick beats, blud."
"Aye, gonna drop a phat mix on yo bitches."


"Lord above man! We may be facing death from a hostile alien force, but there's still room for tea. We're British, not savages!"

"Quite right, Barnaby!"

"Not in public, Gary! Put it back in my drawer."

No expense spared, or actually used, in set design.

"Where's Grandma, Grandad?"
"Funny story lad, you're holding her."

I'm tired, but imagine some caption involving the banana and innuendo.

"Have you done something new with your hair?"
"Glaaaaaarg reethh asshh"
"Oh, a new claw! I knew there was something different."