Monday, 30 July 2012

29/07/12 Swerve (2011)

Ho-hum Aussie film about a man with a banana shaped face, his wife, a guy with a beard, some money and a few other people in some small town in the outback that seems to have a full marching band parading up and down its one street at all times. Tries to do the Tarantino/'90s twisty thriller thing, but mostly just achieves boring.


27/07/12 Maximum Overdrive (1986)

I loved this film when I was about 13. Got into AC/DC because of it. The band, not being bisexual or electrical currents. The soundtrack's still flippin' ace. Film itself? Not held up so well. Nice idea, technology becoming globally self-aware overnight and turning on the humans. Steven King's only attempt at directing.

Stick to the books, Steve.

"Oh, lord, no! Won't somebody think of the melons! Why!? WHY!?"

"Shush woman! I'm a melonphile, this is heaven! Sexy melon jackpot!"

"Hot exposed melons?"
*Wanks furiously*

"Are you Jeremy Clarkson?"
"Why are you wearing that bright green Tshirt?"
"It's a tribute to the fallen melons."
"You cunty gobshite."

"Which one of you melon-fucker perverts ordered a crate full of Dutch children?"


27/07/12 Rift (2011)

Some terrible "actors" who can't even play people convincingly are living in a block of flats that are haunted or something whilst some other woman is investigating the building's spooky history.

One of the bumliest films of the years.


Wednesday, 25 July 2012

25/07/12 Cleanskin (2012)

Sean Flatcap plays Ecky Coalmine who works as an off-the-books assassin for possibly the intelligence/secret services or possibly a privately funded, slick terrorist hunting vigilante group. It's not made clear, well, not until the end. Even then it's a bit ambiguous.

The film wobbles between thoughty talk-thriller and Bourne-like action flick. Most of all, it's probably comparable to a British version of '24'. But with 22.5 missing due to its runnning time. Dunno though as I never bothered watching 24, it all looked a bit Fox News world view to me. Might be wrong, but fuck off, I'm writing this, so I'm right.

I was impressed with the depth of some of the characters, although their actions in the film occasionally were contradictory. The main bad guy in particular. The sting at the end of the film is nice, and my cynical side was thinking how possibly possible it all possibly could be. Possibly.

Anyway, it's flawed but good and it's nice to see a well structured British film that lets you think a little between fight scenes.


Tuesday, 24 July 2012

24/07/12 The Rise & Fall of a White Collar Hooligan (2012)

Massively deceptive poster/cover art or whatever they're called. The film's opening scene is one of two groups of football troublists facing off, at which point two old chums who haven't seen each other in years meet up, go for a pint, then get involved in credit card fraud.

Which is actually not such a bad thing as I've seen enough films with rival 'firms' telling each other to 'Jog on, you cahnt' and all that fucking twaddle. Those films all look like this:

In Bed with Medinner, I miss that show, it was flippin' great. Me and my brother never missed it. Much better than this film.



Monday, 23 July 2012

22/07/12 Chillers (1987)

Dire anthology film. The only noteworthy thing about it is that 'Bus Driver' was played by Peter Jesus. Awesome!


Sunday, 22 July 2012

21/07/12 The House (2007)

Why is it that in horror/spook films people are unrealistically brave? If I was to walk into a house for the first time and the walls started bleeding warnings of death, I'd fuck right off in a trail of brown mist. People in films though, they just think "Oh, this house is a bit rum, what with the bleeding walls, screaming undead shadow figures and the reocurring nightmarish flashbacks. I'll pop back tommorow."

Anyway, it's too long, the effects are a bit naff at times and for every half decent chill there's twenty minutes of boredom.

Here's a picture of a tiny Terminator with our copy:


21/07/12 Wild Bill (2011)

The 27th British film we've seen recently with the actor Neil Maskell in it. I bet he's a lovely fellow in real life and nothing like the gobshite pieface he plays in every film. Having said that, he did show some range in Kill List, which is flippin' ace.

Anyway, in this, a guy gets out of prison and goes back to London to be ignored by his sons, avoid the local crims and eventually get in a fight.

The film's loaded with geezer cliches and the story itself isn't original, but it's done very, very well and highly recomended.



21/07/2012 Terminal Error (2002)

Unlikely technology-goes-mad film with a dodgy grasp of the concepts of computer viruses, physics, acting and plausibility.  A techie's son inadvertently infects a software company's mainframe with an MP3 track containing a virus.  The MP3 was given to him by a known mad genius megageek (who happens to be a disgruntled ex-employee with a massive grudge against the boy's father; somehow the kid did not link these facts) and inexplicably infects unrelated devices such as lights in other buildings and petrol pumps, despite these items not being networked.

Highlights are the company's Stephen Hawkin-esque wheelchair bound boss, the virus' outrageous artificial intelligence and a hilarious plummeting lift scene which sees the occupants suspended in mid-air by G force.

2/10 for film, 7/10 for entertainment


Wednesday, 18 July 2012

17/07/12 Identical (2011)

Silly film with shite twist about a man who wears glasses, another one who doesn't and some woman who gives 'em both one. ...Or does she!?

You'll have to never bother watching it to not find out.

One of the fellas reads poetry in a wild hipster beatnick club. What a wanker.


Usual stuff about low budget allowances applies and we've certainly seen much worse, but the characters were unlikeable and the twist was tedious.

Monday: I looked in a ladies ear. It were great! She didn't scream or anything!

Tuesday: I stared at a man in a hat. I am uncertain how I felt about it.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I practiced having a face. Yay!

Saturday: I got lucky! She was an older man.

Sunday:  More face practice, today I mastered 'sideways surprise'. Goodbye.


Monday, 16 July 2012

16/07/12 Born To Raise Hell (2010)

Global embarrassment Steven Segal  is in this film, he goes over to Eastern Europe to shoot people over something or other. He's probably angry at the film's massively generic title. Could've just as easily called it Born To Paint Elbows or Born to Wear Slippers for all the plot relevance it has.

A lot of it is filmed using a desaturation/sepia filter that gives Segal's head the curious appearance of a swollen orange scrotum.

He has a sex scene in this, which is funny as he's such a fat cunt these days he keeps that long leather jacket he wears for everything on during it. I remember seeing an interview with him on Video View (long forgotten film review show) where he spoke about the immorality of sex scenes, whereas all the scenes in his films where he kicks people brains off are obviously fine.

Also, if I was the gayest man in history, having just got back from forty years in a dickless space-box (like General Zod's in Superman 2) and upon my return to Earth I was offered a night of bumsexual fun with him, I'd be all about the tits instantly.

His music is hilarious as well. It's like someone threw a guitar and tape recorder into the special ward.

Anyway, awful man, terrible film.

A genuine still from the film.




15/07/12 Ted (2012)

Seth McFarlane's film about a sweary toy. If you like his cartoons, you'll like this. Utterly predictable but some great dialogue makes it well worth a go.


14/07/12 21 Jump Street (2012)

Starts off much funnier than we expected, then runs out of jokes and ends an hour later. Meh.


12/07/12 Badlands (1973)

Blah, blah, blah, Malick, magic hour, vistas, romance etc.

Anyway, that's the usual ol' wank that people shit on about covered, on to the important stuff:

Martin Sheen looks incredibly short in this. Proper small, like someone has glued his head on a baby or something.

Spacek's voiceover is really fucking annoying. Makes you want to slap her character in the eyeball.

Spacek is a very odd name.

Acting's pretty good.


12/07/12 Attack Of The Herbals (2011)

Slating micro budget films can almost seem a little unfair, on the assumption that they don't have the time. equipment, people, locations, effects and access to decent post production facillities means that any film completed for relatively tiny sums of money (IMDB says £15,000) are commendable for effort if nothing else.

Doesn't stop 'em being a bit cock though.


Monday, 9 July 2012

08/07/12 Perfect Life (2010)

A bad film about something or other where a woman gets run over in Brighton and a man has a drag race in a Honda Prelude in what looks like an Essex car park even though it's set in America.

Lost interest after ten minutes, couldn't find it again.



08/07/12 Spooked: The Ghosts of Waverly Hills Sanatorium (2006)

I've enjoyed bowel movements that had greater documentarian integrity than this fucking rubbish.

From what I can tell, it was created primarily as a promotion piece for the also-fucking-terrible film Death Tunnel. Which I also don't suggest you watch.

Decaying, abandoned buildings are interesting, especially ones with well documented macabre history, like Waverly Hills.

It takes a special level of arsehole  to take a story that's essentially been written for you and turn it into something so idiotic.

Any documentary that cites photographic 'orbs' as resolute proof that spirits are amoung us needs a kick in the bollocks.

'The fuck is that meant to be? Looks like a fat child taking a shit.


Sunday, 8 July 2012

08/07/12 Some Guy Who Kills People (2011)

As viewed by Some People Who Watch Films. It's a comedy-horror that has an occasional chuckle and a few people being bumped off. Good script, everything else is a little 'meh'.


Friday, 6 July 2012

06/07/12 Dawn Rider (2012)

There are  no characters called Dawn. That was the first disapointment, the second was very average everything else. Donald Sutherland has a massive white beard in this, bit like Captain Birdseye.

That'll do.


Sunday, 1 July 2012

01/07/2012 Lockout (2012)

Mike from Neighbours (sorry Guy Pearce, you can pretend to be a proper grown up but you will always be Mike from Neighbours) must rescue the president's daughter from a space prison which has been taken over by the inmates.  It sounds ludicrous. It is ludicrous.  It is however enjoyable and doesn't take itself too seriously. There are a couple of chortlesome lines and the always awesome Joseph Gilgun is excellent.  Could have done without the last 15 minutes but meh.



30/06/2012 Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Inferior remake of Private Benjamin - they took out all the jokes!

Not really, it's a serious war film following Marine recruits from training all the way to 'Nam. Well acted and a good soundtrack. Kubrick's other good film to go with The Shining.  Eyes Wide Shut and Clockwork Orange are complete toss.

*sigh*, poor old Pile.