Tuesday, 28 February 2017

02/2017 Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Australia's most average man wins a trip to New York.


02/2017 Victor Frankenstein (2015)

I watched this a while ago, here: http://filmplop.blogspot.se/2016/02/200216-victor-frankenstein-2015.html

Podd watched it more recently. She was a little kinder to it than me, seemed to quite enjoy it.

02/2017 The Goonies (1985)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. I must be one of the few people who, as a child in the '80s, never saw this. Still haven't. Thought it looked shit then, still think it looks shit now.

Probably shit/10


02/2017 I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore (2017)

Macon Blair, chum to/star of Filmplop fave Jeremy Saulnier's flicks, has written and directed his own.

It's a story about a woman trying to reclaim possessions stolen from her in a burglary. Her strange neighbour teams up with her and they go looking for her gear encountering many peculiar folk on the way.

For the first twenty minutes this feels like it's gonna be a drab, uninvolving film but it's just laying the groundwork for the off-centre, very funny, well acted, exciting nonsense/caper it turns into with a fairly bonkers ending.

Must be something good in the water in whatever town Blair and Saulnier come from. Cracking stuff.



02/2017 Devil In The Dark (2017)

A pair of brothers try and reconnect over a few days hunting in the mountains. However there's 'something' up there with them.

Gets better as it goes along and ends very well.


02/2017 Operation Avalanche (2016)

A mockumentary style story about the moon landings being faked.

I once got in a cab where the first thing the driver said was that it was a full moon.

"Oh yeah," I said, looking out the window, "Very bright one."

"Yeah," he replies "Always had problems with the moon. Makes me feel funny. You know, affects my mood."

You meet the strangest of folk.



02/2017 The Assignment (2016)

A hitman ...Nope I can't be bothered. Look up the plot for this bloody nonsense yourself.


02/2017 Logan (2017)

A film that pretends to be a reflective, sombre study of how time catches up with us all, no matter how resillient you may be to its effects.
Although it's still mostly about car chases and genetically engineered soldiers with robot hands.

It also feels like it's too little, too late. The first two X Men films were cracking good fun and felt like something different. However their success is, at least in sizeable part, responsible for the saturation, the absolute avalanche, of increasingly tedious, bland, homogenised and plain boring superhero films that, along with the now yearly Star Wars flick, seem to utterly dominate and suffocate popular cinema.

If there had been a gap between the first two films and this one, it could well have made it into my, I dunno, top 200 films?
It would have had a much more potent impact, the story of how even the strongest of people weaken with age, both physically and in the force of their convictions, if we had seen the young and heroic Wolverine saving the day then, two decades later the battered, scarred shell he'd become.

That is of course wishful thinking when talking about films, or most things in this world, when the reality is that anything that can be commodotized, exploited, exposed and profited from will be commercially wanked to death ensuring that every last drop of cash has been squeezed from our collective cock.

So, yeah, it is good, we did like it. It does have a little of the tonal rawness such a film deserves, the performances are all excellent. It even, early on in the film, flirts with making a few political statements, in that spineless, Hollywood kinda way. The action scenes are done well although there isn't enough of them (I know that sounds a little contradictory, but when all's done, you want an angry Wolverine ripping the fuck out of the bad guys!), there's some decent chuckles and it's visually spot-on...

But it's too tarnished by its association with the films before it.

Probably my favourite thing about this film is that it lead Charlie Brooker to describe Wolverine as "looking like a cross between Noddy Holder and a cutlery drawer".

02/2017 Don't Kill It (2016)

Dolph Lundgeren plays a fellow who bimbles around small towns trying to stop them being taken over by a murderous demonic enitity who passes from one person to the next by leaping into the body of the person who kills the current host.

A bit like the film Fallen, but much cheaper, sillier and more forgettable. Fun enough for what it is.



02/2017 Friday The 13th 7 (1988)

At which point, surely, the promotional material for the camp would include the phrase 'Possibility of not dying, but no guarantees given. Breakfast at 7am'

02/2017 Friday The 13th 6 (1986)

The makers of these films really fucked with the formula on this one. Some teenagers get killed at a campsite by a chap in a mask.

Blew my mind.


02/2017 Timerider: The Adventure Of Lyle Swann (1982)

A motorcycle racer/stunt rider takes his bike out for a spin and rides past an unlikely machine which sends him back in time where...


He becomes his own great-great granddad.

By banging his great-great grandma.

Bloody heck, that'd be an awkward one at family get-togethers.

"I ever tell you about your relatives from New Mexico?"

"Er... Prob best to leave that branch of the tree unexplored, Grandpa"



02/2017 Demolition (2015)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. Someone decides to bash the wank out of his house due to issues or something.

02/2017 Split (2016)

A small Scottish man pretends to be numerous other people whilst keeping some brats company. Actually not too bad and McAvoy is superb.



02/2017 Brokeback Mountain (2005)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. Controversial at the time as two actors pretend to be cowboys who enjoy a spot of the ol' bumming. Gosh, how very boundary pushing.

I dunno, chuck many millions at a production, hire two young, cinegenic actors to look emotionally conflicted and explore a side of sexuality that both confuses and comforts them, and the world weeps in support as they hand over the Oscars.

However, dress up in a gimp suit and throw DVD copies of 'Leathery Fist Pluggers' at people on a commuter train and you get a furious Daily Mail piece.

It's one rule for them... Etc.

6/10 (According to Podd)


02/2017 Fist Fight (2017)

Fist Shite.



02/2017 Bullets For The Dead (2015)

Zombie western... I think. Dunno, have a look on IMDB and decide for yourself. I'm writing this two months after I watched this dribble at 2am or something similar.

02/2017 Einsteins God Model (2016)

Bit of a creaky Sci-Fi effort, but the ideas are interesting and some of the effects are cool.



02/2017 Don't Hang Up (2016)

A pair of YouTube prankers get the tables turned when someone decides to give them a taste of their own fucking nonsense.

If only more 'online personalities' were made to suffer horribly. Don't get me wrong, I was born a couple of decades too early to have any great awareness of the people who inhabit and support that world, but, from little I've seen, a great number of them could really do with at least a bloody good shoeing.

I mean obviously, a big part of that opinion is because I'm a portly, balding, middle-aged grumpfuck who's shitting away his life watching crap films and doing a ballsack job who would love to earn my keep pissing about in front of a camera and having fun like these horrid little smiley-faced hairstyle streaks of piss, but, also, much of the output offered by these e-kids is utterly devoid of personality, originality or any kind of substance and fill the gaps with empty, brightly coloured screechy fucking nothingness.

I guess, from that perspective, age doesn't matter and we're all wankers.

Don't you just love the way I stay focused on the films I'm reviewing?

02/2017 Bornless Ones (2016)

A young woman moves to a cabin in the middle of nowhere as she believes it'll help the long-term recovery of her brother who was left quadra-spazzed on a life-glug* in a car accident some months before.

Sure enough, before they've unpacked their slippers and DVD box sets, the brother shows great signs of improvement by getting up, walking around and murdering someone. Unfortunately his recovery is mostly down to some unpleasant demonic spirits using his body as a carriage to get up to all sorts of mischief. Those pesky ancient entities!

Like many, many other films it pretty much becomes a cover version of Evil Dead, but unlike many others it does enough right to be enjoyable in its own right.

That is enough for you to decide if you wanna watch it or not.

*Ta, Chris Morris. I wish he'd do loads more stuff. He made TV in the '90s worth watching.


02/2017 Southpaw (2015)

Actorly acty acting! Fighty boxing! Wife problems, child custody, money issues, working class accents, more fighty boxing, bit better, acty endy.



02/2017 The Avenue (2017)

Low budget film about a low budget gambler/low-level hood type fella. Not too bad if you enjoy grubby films about grubby people.

Not that I'm a beacon of virtue and morality myself, far from it, but thankfully no one's making a film about me.

Fucking hell, that'd be tedious. Even I'd get bored watching it, and not just 'cos I'm familiar with the source material.

Anyway, shut up.


02/2017 Friday The 13th 4 (1984)

"Right team, once again, last year, the camp suffered some, er, regrettable incidents. We ask that this year, all attendees wear a full suit of armour and chainmail at all times. Now, obviously, being based around lake side and waterborne activities, we also ask that everyone wears their armbands and life jackets."

"Even when swimming and bathing?"

"Yes, Tammy, I'm afraid so. It's a health and safety measure that we're kinda tied to from the insurance point of view. Getting the policy renewal was a real pain in the cunt."

"But the murderer is dead! Surely there won't be more deaths this summer?"

"No! Of course not... Eight or ten, tops, but otherwise it should be a calm few weeks."

02/2017 Stray Bullets (2016)

A generic plotted but enjoyable, well acted crime thriller.

Such films are always welcome, but the fact that this one was written, directed, scored and co-starring a 15yr old is impressive. Fuckin' good work young fella.

OK, he's the son of Larry Fessenden (who's always worth a watch himself) so he's, no doubt, got better insight than most into the workings of a film, but there's no denying the kid's obvious talent. If he's on the cusp of his upward curve, this young fella could be shitting out globally recognised classics before he can shave properly.



02/2017 Friday The 13th 3 (1982)

"Right team! Third year lucky! This season we've taken every precatuion and remain confident that the majority of people who stay here for a holiday will not be murdered. Tim, over to you"

"Thanks, Colin. Okay, you all know the layout. The catering cabin is available for hot meals and snacks from 7am until midnight, the boating lake is strictly daylight hours only, the minibus into town is Tuesday and Friday at noon, the nurse is available during office hours and, everyone, try and avoid the woods by the creek as Nigel spotted some seven foot tall fella with a machete wandering around earlier. He might be a local land owner and the last thing we wanna do is upset them!"



02/2017 Lego Batman (2017)

The best Batman film since Adam West ran down that pier with the bomb. Cracking bit of silly fun.



02/2017 Friday The 13th 2 (1981)

After a number of people were horrifically murdered at the site the year before, the current owners of Camp Certaindeath decided to throw the gates open for another season. Fingers crossed that it's event free, eh?

Spoiler: PPL dedded.


02/2017 Killer Legends (2014)

Documentary about the true stories behind some urban myths. It was on TV and I couldn't be bothered to turn over.



02/2017 The Burning (2014)

Film about some humble village folk whose way of life, and actual lives, are under threat from some property developers who want to develop property, I assume. Or drill for oil. Or just kill them or something.

Anyway, the villagers speak of some deity who lives in the nearby river who will come to their aid when things are at there worse.

Sure enough, some nameless, short slim chap waddles out of the water and into their village. He may or may not be the saviour they are hoping for. He certainly takes a novel approach to helping them when, as the baddies turn up that night and it kicks off, he stays hidden while a number of innocents die.

He does, eventually, help the remaining oppressed grow a collective pair and leads them to a conclusive confrontation with the baddies.

Film's been described as a western set in a jungle, which is pretty fair, paralells with High Plains Drifter being the most obvious, in particular the 'not of this place' origins of the nameless hero.

Worth seeing just for the visuals alone, it's a beautiful film to look at, and the story's not too bad either.



02/2017 Extraction

Some science fiction thing. Or something about dentists?

Why does dentist training take so long? It's not like other medical specialist areas where, say, a complex diagnosis will require observation, case comparisons, medication and dietary finesse, great variables and a wealth of experience.

It's, surely, more like "Ah. They look OK, keep brushing regularly." or "That molar's a bit fucked. I'll get me pliers."

Fuck knows what the film was though. Too long ago to remember now.

Could be any one of the above. Don't know.


02/2017 David Brent: Life On The Road (2016)

Fleshy irritant Ricky Gervais pulls off the impressive task of playing a prickish twat on camera, manages one funny song.


02/2017 Underworld: Blood Wars

I saw the first Underworld film in the cinema. I thought it was childish dog poo intended for an audience of idiots.

I have missed the middle seven or so films, but I'm glad, judging by this one, that they've maintained a level of continuity.



02/2017 Colt 45 (2014)

French action film about gang busting cops. We'd been out for a few pints so didn't really absorb this on a deep level.

The top level looked like a fairly wank, generic action film though. Someone probably got stabbed with a baguette or killed by an exploding beret or something.