Saturday, 31 December 2016

31/12/16 Goldstone (2016)

Currently watching this.

Sequel, and so far worthy successor, to the 2013 Australian film Mystery Road. If slow moving crime dramas aren't your thing, it's worth seeing for the amazing Outback landscape shots.

Well, there you go. Five years exactly and over 2000 entries on this bollocks. Perhaps join us next year where we might continue typing this ol' shit into the void.

I hope 2017 is a good year for you.


31/12/2016 The Void (2016)

We like anthology films at Plop Towers but this was dragged down by too many meh segments.



31/12/2016 Brotherhood (2016)

I didn't watch this, Perkin did. He said it was very crap. Innit blud etc.



31/12/2016 The Beatles: Eight Days a Week - The Touring Years (2016)

Documentary following the band from their rise in the early 60's until the Sgt Pepper album. Impressive restoration on some of the archive gig footage. Probably nothing a fan doesn't already know but interesting viewing.



30/12/2016 Vågen (The Wave) (2015)

Norwegian Norman Reedus plays a geologist monitoring the mountains for landslides which would cause a tsunami in the fjord wiping out the town. Guess what happens!



30/12/2016 The Accountant (2016)

Imagine Matt Damon's Will Hunting and Jason Bourne characters somehow had a man baby; Ben Afflect plays that baby. Too long and Anna Kendrick is annoying.



12/2016 Blood Beast From Outer Space (The Night Caller) (1965)

Space people start breeding with our women to save their own kind. Don't tell UKIP, they'll want Universexit.



12/2016 Beyond the Gates (2016)

Two brothers meet up to clear their missing father's video shop (younger readers should ask their parents) and find a spooky VHS (again, ask a grown up) adventure game.



12/2016 Off Piste (2016)

Ex-military hermit who lives in the Alps has his past catch up with him.



12/2016 Magic Hour (2015)

Guy new to the area falls in with a bunch of criminal brothers. Set in 1990 for no apparent reason.



12/2016 In A Valley of Violence (2016)

Revenge western where Ethan Hawke deservedly loses his shit with John Travolta's son. He had it coming.



25/12/2016 Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

In the days when it seemed Billy Zane was going to become a massive star...



25/12/2016 Fright Night (1985)

In a nostalgic mood we watched a couple of old favourites.

You're so cool, Brewster.


12/2016 Mechanic: Resurrection (2016)

In a shocking change of direction an unshaven Jason Statham scowls whilst he punches and shoots people and things blow up.

Deja vu/10


26/12/2016 Carry on Behind (1975)

In your face, ITV3, seems More 4 have the rights to this one.



25/12/2016 Carry on Cleo (1964)

Yep, you can tell it's a bank holiday.



25/12/2016 Carry on Camping (1969)

I believe we accurately described this previously as a seminal moment in British cinema.

Flying bikini top/10


25/12/2016 Carry on Girls (1973)

Big love for the Carry On series at Plop Towers. It's made us the immature innuendo loving children we are today.



Sunday, 25 December 2016

24/12/16 The Autopsy Of Jane Doe (2016)

We have a tradition of watching unpleasant horror films on Christmas Eve.
Happily, this one didn't disappoint too much. No classic, served its purpose.


Lady Terminator (1989)

Hilarious Indonesian shitfest of brilliance. When terrible movies actually were worth watching rather than this fucking Sharknado nonsense.

So many great moments, it's hard to choose a favourite, but the walking pace car chase between a battered Datsun and the world's most knackered Ford Capri was definitely a highlight.

Bloody ace.

And terribly terrible.

That's pretty much the level we're working on with this gem.

Brilliant, if a little optimistic, name...

The chap with the mullet, that's Mr Stardust. Genuinely. He doen't have many acting credits beyond this masterpiece.

As opposed to missing normally.


"The first rule of Pyjama Club..."


Invasion USA (1985)

I'd laugh my cock off if Chuck Norris came out as gay.

"So, Chuck, if you were to choose a gay porn name, what'd it be?"

"Gone done got me a 'gator wife!"

"You sure got an eye for the purty ones"

By far the best actor in this film.

The Texan Women's Institute.

"I've always had a thing for Mr Bean. You're makin' my denims dance, boy!"

"From now on, I shall be addressed as Glenda"

If only there was some way of knowing who manufactured this truck.


Saturday, 24 December 2016

The Gauntlet (1977)

If you're older than 25, you've probably seen many films where Clint Eastwood played a cop in a brown suit with a gun. One of them.

"...Still not enough brown in my life"

"Phyllis, I've had enough. Time to take that trip we've always promised ourselves"

"That's all I've ever wanted to hear. I love you, Brenda..."

"...The Brown Mountains. It's everything we've ever dreamed of."

Between the years 1965-1990, Clint Eastwood was permanently fixed in this position, film directors just changed his costume"

The LAPD react moderately to a report of a black person fare evading on the bus.


Blair Witch (2016)

The first Blair Witch was very divisive. We here at 'Plop Towers thought it was great, everyone else is wrong.

Unless they agree.

Anyway, thoughts on the merits of the original aside, one thing it did do was create many imitations, as well as effectively (for the mainstream sake of argument) birthing the found footage sub-genre.

This film is utterly forgettable as it brings nothing new to the tired, fading party. It seems like a cheap and pointless cover version of the film it's a sequel to.

Also, what the fudge is going on with the lights, the gangly entity, the time travel and all the other unanswered shite it slaps against the wall hoping to paste over the cracks of unoriginality?



Train To Busan (2016)

I doubt if anyone reads this enough to remember anything else that's ever been written on here, but about 15 months ago, I wrote this:

Seems someone in Korea thought "Good idea, let's make that film".

And they did.

Sentimental guff in parts aside, it's pretty damn fun!

The main character's called Seok Woo, though. Not Geoff.

Geoff probably isn't a very common name in Korea.


Kim Un Geoff, yesterday.

Take Down (2016)

The misbehaving children of the super rich are sent to a Scottish island to be taught how to become better people by making fires and killing animals.

Exactly the sort of things that poor children get in trouble for doing.

I dunno, one rule for them, etc.

Anyway, as the combined familial wealth of these little bastards is somewhere in the upper billions, a group of mercenaries decide they represent a profitable ransom, invade the island and take them hostage.

Having to depend in their wits rather than their servants, these little snapchat wankers decide to fight back.

You've already guessed everything that happens after, so I can wind this up now.


The Hollow Point (2016)

Small town crime film. All the acting and suchlike is fine, but the story was a little unengaging.

Just, y'know, all the usual.

Want more? Watch it yourself.


Sugar Mountain (2016)

Another film I had to abandon 20 minutes in due to an early start the next day.
Fucking hell, why can't I actually watch films for a living? Not saying I'd be any good at that either, but at least I wouldn't have to get up at 4.30am during the darkest parts of winter and go and deal with a clusterfuck of company ineptitude that is way outside of my control.

Aah well, anyone who enjoys their job is probably either a fucking idiot, evil, incredibly lucky, or have workmates that are half decent humans.

Anyway, Podd watched his, she said it was alright.


Pet (2016)

A socially awkward young fellow spots a lady he had a crush on back in school.

Initially he approaches her in fairly conventional ways, turning up at her place of work and offering tickets to a gig etc as a way of trying to get reciprocal interest, but his efforts fail and he moves to plan B, building a big cage and keeping her locked in it down in a basement.

As the film progresses, it turns out she might not be quite the victim she appears and his intentions may be a little different than first assumed.

Actually, for a recent horror, this wasn't too bad.


Macbeth (2015)

I only watched the first twenty minutes as I was on an early shift the next day.

I wish posh people would stop pretending Shakespeare is fun. It's not. Fucking olde-worlde, gobbledegook speaking, Kenneth Branagh, ballbag nonsense.

Opera can fuck off as well.

And ballet.

In the spirit of social balance, for the working and middle classes -football, garden decking, having children, drinking wine, nightclubs, Primark, Channel 5, books about the SAS, scaffolding, The Guardian, pick-up trucks, tennis and Ford Mondeos- can all fuck off too.

Oh, happy Christmas.


Burn Country (2016)

Film starts well, about an Afghanistani translator given residence in the U.S. in return for the services he provided in the homeland, trying to adjust to American life whilst working as a crime reporter in a small town.

About half way through it becomes tedious, pretentious bilge where people try and convey profundity by looking into the middle distance as an attempt to cover the absence of logic and plot.