Thursday, 28 June 2012

28/06/12 Axed (2012)

Utterly terrible film about a man with a face who loses his job and decides to take his family for a nice day in the countryside so he can kill them.

Although if I had two kids who were still at school in their mid-20s, I'd probably nudge 'em under a bus and start again.

If bad acting was for sale in Harrods, the performances in this would be left on the shelves of the pound shop. Seriously, these people can't even sit down convincingly. It is actually quite funny, but not enough to recomend this cockwash.



27/06/12 Stay (2005)

Ewan Kenobi gets a fat head, looks like Eddie Izzard and talks to some mopey brat who's planning to top himself. It's all a dream and stuff. Bob Hoskins appears in knitwear. Ryan Lyndhurst Gosling is in it. Everyone loves him, although he's toilet.

Due to a smaller budget, their next adventure was 'Ewan and Charlie Ride Over A Bridge'*

Old men with an evil deathbaby in a bag can be fully trusted.

'Arold Shand gets a nosh.

Probably Ryan Gosling.



*They'll still have a support team of 20 people in five Land Rovers as they're such carefree adventurers!

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

26/06/12 Screwed (2011)

Shut it, you slaaahg! I'm runnin' this wing naah! Keep in fackin' line or I'll cut yer with a sharpened toofbrush.

A wonderful mix of assorted faces.

"Jones, time for your cupping."

"This wall's a right fackin' bollocks!"

"This one can fack off 'n' all! Bricky wankah!"


Tuesday, 26 June 2012

25/06/12 Open Range (2003)

Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner deliver stiff dialogue with faces so straight they could be used as spirit levels.

Anyway, they play two fellas who have some cows, and they get in trouble 'cos the cows don't live on a farm. They bimble around for 700 hours, or thereabouts, then have a gun fight that lots of idiots on the internet think is amazing, some shit about Costner falling in love, then it ends.



Sunday, 24 June 2012

23/06/12 Juan Of The Dead (2011)

Cuban zombie/comedy film, so, er. el revolucion. presidente, scorchio, rum etc.

Its setting offers some interesting locations, especially the interiors, which lead us to the conclusion that paint is considered a decadent capitalist extravagance in Cuba.

A lot of the jokes seems to lose something in the subtitles, but many work well and one joke about assisting the elderly really popped our giggle balloon. Definately goes on for 30 minutes longer than it should have though.



Wednesday, 20 June 2012

20/06/2012 The Hive (2008)

A film about rampaging alien ants who are probably pissed off due to the glaring inaccuracy of the title.  As anybody over the age of five knows; ants do not live in hives.  The (CGI) ants in this film can form into a snake-shaped mass and fly, or join forces to become a giant CloverAnt. Yes, really. 

"Actors" who are barely able to blink naturally say things like "it's not human; it's INSECTOID" and "We do not negotiate with ants!".

2/10 but only because I like ants


Friday, 15 June 2012

15/06/12 Breakdown (1997)

Mr and Mrs Kurt Plissken are driving off to start new jobs on the other side of a desert and Mrs Plissken goes missing after innocently jumping in the cab of a dodgy looking truck driven by a guy they've never met before. Kurt then tries to find her by channeling the power of his furious mullet.


"What is your bidding, Oracle cup?"

Tiny car shown actual size.

"Don't you be starin' at my crisps, boy!"

"Hi! Welcome to hunting  with Lemmy. This week we're hunting fish-jeeps"

"There's one now. Ssssh, you'll startle it."


Thursday, 14 June 2012

14/06/12 No Saints For Sinners (2011)

Mickey Stubblechin is an IRA participant/volunteer/cub scout or whatever the fuck they call themselves. He falls out with Seamus Moobs who's also one of 'em, he shoots a few people then fucks off to America to work in a pub. Then fall out with lots more people. And generally shoot them as well.

This is better plotted and acted than expected, and keeps your interest throughout. Worth a go if you see it around.


Tuesday, 12 June 2012

12/06/12 Twixt (2011)

Bloody hell, it's terrible.

Valarie Kilmer plays Tipsy O'Finnigan, a washed up novelist who writes old shit about pretend witches for a living. He stops in a small town and something about vampires happens.

And some crap-awful fifteen minute long dream sequences.

This was directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Who I've just decided will now be known as Frankie Datsun Crappola.


The least wooden member of the cast.

This was possibly the casting.

"Fuck me, Reggie! You look rough for 25"


Monday, 11 June 2012

10/06/12 Skew (2011)

Found footage sort-of-horror. Yeah, it's alright. The USP with this one is that the camera itself seems to be instrumental in the onscreen mishaps.

Three people go on a trip, one of 'em has a camcorder permanently on the go. A bit like Blair Witch but with wobbly faces and no witches. Or Blairs.

Has good moments, but they're broken up with massive long bits of boring.



Sunday, 10 June 2012

10/06/12 The Shrine (2010)

Fun nonsense about some Canadian journalists who go and investigate some stuff about tourists who have gone missing. They end up in some odd village where people dress funny and speak foreign, 'cos they're, like, abroad 'n shit.

You think it's gonna go a bit Hostel, but thankfully it turns into Resident Evil 4.

That's good for two reasons, Hostel is a sack of wank whereas Resident Evil 4 is the absolute nipples!

The film's very silly, but as far as modern horror films go, it gets much more right than it does wrong, so if you like splat flicks, it's well worth a pop.


Norfolk, yesterday.

To pass the time, people of Norwich play a basic form of Twister.

Then enjoy a wet T-shirt competition.


Saturday, 9 June 2012

09/06/12 The Hit (1984)

Terrence Stamp plays a former gangster who gives evidence against his criminal buddies then fucks off to retire in Spain.

Ten years later some thin men in denim jackets bundle him into a car and drop him off where he gets put in another motor and driven around Spain by John Hurt and a 9yr old Tim Roth. They stop to shoot a tubby Australian fella, kidnap his sheila and drive around a bit more. The idea being that Roth and Hurt have been sent to pop Stamp's clogs in return for his court room betrayl.

The film has an odd, flat feel to it, but Stamp's performance; his karmic acceptance of approaching assaination, is great.

Until the end of the film when it all goes a bit 'eh?'


Lumpy, Grumpy and Sideways were the biggest boy band of 1984

Trousers. Handbag. Blouse. Mince.

"'Ello, welcome to Troll's Bar. I'm Phillip Troll"

Deleted scene where John Hurt shits out Tim Roth.

Starring Terence Doubleface.


Wednesday, 6 June 2012

06/06/2012 Parasomnia (2008)

Above average (for the Horror channel's "standards") thrillery thing about a woman with a rare sleeping disorder who is rescued (or, in fact, abducted) from her hospital bed by a visitor to escape a patient who is influencing her dreams. Sounds pants as I describe it but it's not bad.  I did lose interest due to Horror channel's bastard money whoreing advert breaks every 10 minutes, and the ending took a turn for the bumular.

Notable and random cameos from Sean Young, John Landis and porn legend Veronica Hart (boringly fully clothed).


Parasomnia Poster


06/06/2012 Supernova (2000)

Event Horizon-alike sci-fi thriller set on a rescue medical ship (kind of a quantum leaping ambulance).  It's bloody obvious from a light year away that the guy whose SOS they respond to is inherently evil but it's entertaining nonetheless.  Surprise of the film is barely recognisable James Spader's fleeting moment of buff-bod hotness; think those lucky two weeks in the late 1960's when Jim Morrison wasn't a fat hobo or before David Gilmour looked like a middle aged accountant.  There is a thread on this film's imdb page of many ladies lamenting where did it all go wrong.  There's also a thread complaining it's a softcore film but that's idiot yanks for you just because you briefly see a boob and an arse. 




PS One of the only film posters where the tagline is more prominent than the film's title?

Monday, 4 June 2012

03/06/12 Robot Holocaust (1986)

Excrellent (Sure you can work that out) film set in a post holocaust world where suburban parkland is mysteriously still well maintained. It's great!


                                                  David Irving denies the existence of this film.

"Well, that's an unfieasably large sack, Buster!"

"What is your bidding, glowing boob of wisdom?"

"Fuck it! There's no toilets in the future!"

"Haven't seen you here before"
"No, I normally go to the other phone booth disco. Wanna drink?"
"Malibu and lime please"

In this film, our heroes face many challenges, including The Gloryhole Run!

"What is my motivation, darling?"

"Attack my testicle-bots! Attack!!!"


03/06/12 Necronomicon (1993)

Anthology film that has a wraparound story about H.P. Lovecraft going to the library.

It's shite.



Sunday, 3 June 2012

02/06/12 The Mad Death (1983)

We could remember this from when it was on TV nearly thirty years ago. Which makes us feel a bit old. A chum of ours managed to get hold of a copy and he sent it over to us after enjoying it.

Sadly, for some reason, my usual media player isn't letting me take screen caps of it. Bit of a pisser as there was some right gems to be used.

It's a three part mini-series (with a total running time of 2hr15m, and we watched it in one go, so I'm including it) about an outbreak of rabies in the Scottish Highlands. The Highlands in 1983 were populated entirely with posh-voiced English people and two Americans. Bit odd. 

Also, 'Rabies' is latin in origin, meaning 'Madness', hence the title. It does mean that if Liam Gallagher had been born two thousand years earlier, he would've been "Rabies for it".

The acting is ropey, the pacing a little slack, the wagging tails on the attacking dogs are unintentionally amusing and the puppet used for rabid fox scene is nigh-on Basil Brush in appearance...

However! The above flaws are easily forgiven in context of its age, use of locations, some genuine moments of tension and a dark, pessimistic vibe that is now completely absent from BBC dramas. And the opening credits, that show wobbly dog faces, are still very effectively eerie.

As far as I know it's never been repeated and was only briefly released on VHS, so copies of it are now as rare as tits on a fish, but if you do get a chance to watch it, it's well worth it.


"Bitch, I is gonna fuck you up!"


01/06/12 Piggy (2012)

A little fella's brother gets biffed to death so he starts hanging out with Dennis Pennis and they decide to get the people responsible and cut them with things.

It's an OK film, with people who can actually act and whatnot, but is very forgettable, leaves a few questions unanswered and has a slight vibe of Hollyoaks about it.


"I am impressed by these dolphins jumping from my knee."

"Fuck that! I've just shot a turtle out me nipple!"