Saturday, 31 March 2012

30/03/12 Devil's Bridge (2010)

Welsh Tourist Board sponsored production, filmed to cement and enhance Anglo-Welsh relationships.

Three English chaps; Family Man, Cockney and Scouser, take a trip from Essex to rural Wales intending to make a business deal and neck some beers. Unfortunately, rather than a weekend of profit and fun in the land of dragons, they have a couple of regrettable run-ins with local nationalist farmer and all-round rum bugger, Joshua Richards.

Things take a turn for the Deliverance (without the 'farmyard roleplay') and what should've been a fun few days becomes a right ol' mess.*

Good to see David Scholfield in a small role, we think he's a quality actor.

This was written and directed by Chris Crow (who also done the enjoyable, under-rated Panic Button) who is himself Welsh. I hope for the poor chap's sake this doesn't have any autobiographical content.

Taken on face value (and I don't think I'm missing any subcontextual subleties) this is an excellent thriller/horror that retains a consistant, realistic dread-vibe. The only flaw is the brief twist at the end which was predictable and a little disapointing. Only a small grumble though.

Well worth a purchase.



*Wales is an odd place, many years ago I saw, well, a U.F.O. there. I'm not a mental, honest.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

28/03/12 The Legend of Harrow Woods (2011)

Terrible shit.


And the .5 is for the boobs.

27/03/12 Kill Keith (2011)

People who say you should always trust your instincts can kiss my pink balls.

Why? I'll tell ya. If you heard there was a horror-comedy being made starring Keith Chegwin and Tony Blackburn (look 'em up) your instincts would tell you it'll be total arse-milk. Also, I enjoy getting my pink balls kissed.

As it turns out, the film's suprisingly good. Funny, camp, well paced and very silly.


                                             What did you think I meant?


Tuesday, 27 March 2012

26/03/12 Fight Or Flight (2010)

One of the reasons I don't like Zack Snyder is that since he done (the bloody ace) Dawn Of The Dead remake, every single subsequent zombie film has used its style as the archetype.

The other reason I don't like him is his wooden arm. The one he constantly rests, obviously without realising he's doing so, on the slow-mo button in the editing suite in post production of his colourful shitfests. But that's a moan for another time.

Anyway, this film's about some nutjob who releases a zombie toxin in an office block, and the struggle of the few uninfected workers who are stuck inside, trying to get out.

It's not very good.

C. Thomas Howell looks thin and old, Judd Nelson looks the same but chubby. Together they may be saving up for a time machine to return to the '80s.


                                            The new James Bond suprised the other cast members.

                               These damn urban youth, always 'throwin' up' their hip-hop gang hand gestures.

                     "Miriam, shall we decorate with the pictures of flowers, or the ones of looming child-faces?"

                                  "Hi there! Welcome to the facial hair chatline! You're through to Mindy"

                                                                           It's sexy time!

                                           The cast of Trainspotting had aged noticeably in the sequel.

                                                                      Zack Snyder, yesterday.


Monday, 26 March 2012

25/03/12 Intruders (2011)

Spookflick about a spectre-hoodie who apparently wants to steal children's faces. It has a nice twist but then ruins it with a guff ending. Directed by the chap who done 28 Weeks Later. Which was a fat plank of balls.



Saturday, 24 March 2012

23/03/12 Terror (1978)

British horror film/platinum ocean of unintentional comedy. Something or other about a witch in the 17th century laying a curse on a family. People die. Has Makepeace from Dempsey & Makepeace.

7/10 In a that not-actually-much-good-but-very-funny kinda way.

                                           "Darling! Where did you get this exquisite shirt?"
                                           "The Stern Faced Gentleman's Warehouse"

                                             "La la la! Walking along in my big, white trousers"

                                    "I don't care what Richard Gere used, it's the wrong shape! Haarumph!"

                                        I'm far from physically impressive, but fucking hell! NOSE!!!

                                                Sexy, window licking action!!!


23/03/12 Haywire (2011)

85 minutes of Gina Carano hitting people in the headface.

I don't mind though as she's more attractive than a box of crispy, freshly roasted potatoes wrapped in £50 notes delivered on a ray of healing sunshine.

Alright, that's well over the top. Point is, I'd certainly let her slap me 'round a hotel room for a few hours.

Pretty enjoyable Bourne-lite stuff. Worth a go.



22/03/12 Angel Of Death (2009)

Ute driving, Fosters drinker* Zoe Bell plays a woman who punches people quite a bit.

I was drunk, so can't actually recall too much about it, but I quite enjoyed it.




21/03/12 Frightmare (1974)

Vintage Brit-chiller that, for all its flaws, has an agreeable darkness.

Some of the acting, especially in the first half hour, is hilarious. Many directors British films of that era seemed to have a thing for giving out acting jobs to their grandparents. Or possibly there was some really dodgy 'casting couch' moments back then. Anyway, the film's about an old woman who, like, totally kills people and stuff.



Wednesday, 21 March 2012

20/03/12 Dead Genesis (2010)

Better than expected, micro-budget Canadian zombie flick. By no means a horror classic, but a pleasing addition to the crowded sub-genre.

That's the poster for the film, but also what most people in my local pub look like. (It's very dimly lit.)

(A relative) 7/10.


20/03/12 Series 7: The Contenders (2001)

Superb satirical film that, eleven years after its creation, appears even more contemporary.

Set in a near future where reality television has gone beyond feeding the voyeuristic tastes of  its ovis-esque viewers (he writes, with one hand, whilst on a reclining leather chair) to having near-governmental levels of power, forcing unwilling members of the public to become participants in a homicidal survivor show where the six 'Contenders' have to kill the other five in order to become the series champion.

Basically, the sort of televisual concept that Simon Cowell probably *ahem* emits over when he has those 'dark, yet special, dreams'.

I can't praise this flick enough. Imagine The Running Man, but intelligent and pulsing with a mean, black humour!

It also has one of the best final lines I've ever seen.


                                                         Watch the trailer, then buy the film!


Tuesday, 20 March 2012

20/03/12 Mojave Moon (1996)

A confused  film about a man in his early 50s (Danny Aiello) who declares his mid-life ennui in the opening narration. Not to worry though, only a few minutes later the 21yr old Angelina Jolie sits opposite him in a diner, beckons him over and declares cinema's most unlikely admission of attraction.

They go back to Aiello's flat where after 10 minutes he agrees to drive her a few hundred miles to her trailer park home where the film bolts off on a series of absurd tangents. These include murder, theft, paintball, mugging, gunfights, rooftop gardens and completely sexless seductions.

This film not only crosses genres, but whizzes through them at a sprint: character study, romance, domestic drama, neo-noir, small town mystery, crime thriller and full-on Benny Hill slapstick nonsense. The directorial grip of tone consistently appears marshmellow-firm at best.

For some people though all flaws and absence of tonal continuity can be forgiven by the sight of a young Jolie's exposed, soapy tits. Back when she still had stunning looks and a curvy form. Whereas now she's an oddly crab-like, vascular entity who dwells on red carpets.

As backround eyefluff, the film's entertaining enough.



Sunday, 18 March 2012

18/03/12 Insight (2011)

'Insight' is an anagram of 'Shiting'

As in: shiting hell, that should've been better.


Yes, yes. It should be 'Shitting', but that doesn't fit.


Saturday, 17 March 2012

16/03/12 Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (2012)

That menial task you've been putting off? Y'know the one that isn't greatly difficult but you just never find yourself quite in the right mood to get it done?

Do that instead.

2/10 (Gets an extra point for occasionally OK effects)


Although it does have a scene with a baby in a fridge.

16/03/12 Four (2011)

Low budget, quietly released Brit-thriller that doesn't quite work.

Kidnap shenanigans and double crosses in an abandoned warehouse. A little stagey in setup and visuals, it interests -but falls short of gripping- for the first 50 minutes, then flops into a soft matress of silliness at the end.

It's a shame as it shows promise to begin with, and the fact that it appears to be the director's first feature should allow it a little forgiveness. The cast of, er, four have all been excellent elsewhere but don't have much to impress with here.



15/03/12 Devil Dolls (2012)

Dole-money-budget anthology spooker. Three 25 minute stories with a unifying theme of evil toys.

Your appreciation of such stuff will entirely dictate how much you enjoy this, although I think it's fair to say at no point will you be shaken by the profundity of what you're watching.

                  The poster/boxart. The original print sparked a bidding war and now hangs in The Louvre.

 "So I said "Look, Gary. It's me or the gambling. You have to choose! Think of me and the kids for once!""

                                            The first script read through was a tumultous event.

                                   Prior to its cancellation, the last series of Sooty took a turn for the dark

In retrospect, Hasbro's attempt to compete for the Tiny Tears market with 'Lil' Baby Murderface' was not a great idea.

Anything between 1/10 and 10/10. The above pics pretty much say it all.

Sadly no listing on IMDB


14/03/12 Fletch Lives (1989)

Harold Faltermeyer, eh? Next to Ennio Morricone has anyone ever had such an instantly recognisable soundtrack style? You hear the opening bars of a Faltermeyer track and you can instantly make a safe assumption about the film it's scoring.

Sunny Californian vistas.

A wisecracking male protagonist.

A lightweight, unchallenging plot.

Attractive backround female characters providing little more than white teeth and perky boobs.

Harley Davidson riders being 'badass' rather than 'middle-management, fair weather riders with matching, unscuffed leathers'.

Full and unambiguous resolution to all plot strands within 95 minutes.

Made in the '80s.

Picture all the above with a suprisingly young looking (for 45yrs old) Chevy Chase and you've got yer film!



Friday, 16 March 2012

14/03/12 Rubber (2010)

Over intentional quirkfest that plays like a directorial calling card, with calculated cult appeal at its core.

It's about an abandoned car tyre that awakes from its radial, rubbery torpor and discovers it likes to kill, first insects, then rodents and, inevitably, humans.

Not without merit, some lines of dialogue are amusingly delivered, but it tries too hard to be 'instant alternative classic' and that just leaves it feeling contrived.



Wednesday, 14 March 2012

14/03/12 Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt (2003)

Oddball psuedo-comedy which has the cast of the '60s Batman TV show bimble around looking old and lightly bewildered.

The flashback scenes are excellently cast with the people playing the stars of the '60s show very well. We like good casting, it makes us happywarm.

Not actually funny, but still better in every way than the fucking terrible, bloated arseache ballpiss Nolan/Bale films. Which are shite.



Tuesday, 13 March 2012

13/03/12 Miller's Crossing (1990)

A Cohen brothers film that's more famous than Buddah.

Gabriel Byrne is a fella with a hat who seems to be the oddly morally ambigous centre of a world full of twisted morality.

Marcia Gay Harden (Heh heh heh heh!) has a hairstyle that grows at strange angles.

Someone on IMDB describes this as a thoughtful gangster film, I'd agree. It's also stunningly shot. However, like all Cohen films, it's not quite the masterpiece people claim it is.

No Country For Old Men was proper bollocks.



13/03/12 Meskada (2010)

Cop plodder that watches on the good side of average.



13/03/12 Elevator (2011)

An old lady suicide bomber scares assorted people when they all get trapped in a lift together.

Stuff happens, then it ends.

Neither terrible nor great.


                                                  KA-BOOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!


12/03/12 The Grey (2012)

Liam Neeson plays a glum fellow with a rifle who is in a plane crash in some snowy part of Canada.

Him and some other chaps survive the crash, get attacked by some wolves that behave unrealistically, waddle around in the dark, fall over a bit and make frickin' dumb decisions then die every now and then.

Lots of critics, as well as non-professional idiots, are bigging this film up as being some kinda extended metaphor on the acceptance of mortality. This is primarily conveyed by Liam Neeson being a bit quiet and having flasbacks about his absent missus and father's crap poetry. If you're the kind of thundering bumwit who finds soap-opera storylines emotionally wrentching, than this shit will be like spiritual napalm. If you're an emotional grown-up, you'll find yourself watching a mediocre survival horror that punches at an ASDA Smart Price level of profound.



Monday, 12 March 2012

11/03/12 The Awakening (2011)

Florence is a woman of science! In 1921! She wears trousers! By golly, it's 1921, what are you thinking?!

Starts off well enough, but very similar to the 1995 film Haunted. It then stays very similar to Haunted but has a much, much more ballsack ending.

Rebecca Hall plays Florence, someone so brainy she's like an analogue Wikipedia. With nice boobs.

The big reveal/twist/end is such a tub of cocks that it spoils the whole film.

4.5/10 (Or much less if you dwell on the end)


                                            Prob the trailer.

11/03/12 The Pack (2010)

French horror film (original title La meute) about a mad ol' Doris who runs a diner called 'The Spack'!

Occasionally she knocks people out, puts 'em in a cage, makes them eat plop-gruel and then hangs them up in the garden so that pointy fanged mole-people can pull their limbs off and nibble at the stumps. Imagine a Harvester pub in Croydon, bit like that.

The film also has a daft dream sequence and a rubbish bike gang who enjoy bumrape.

It's slow paced but good fun in that French horror kinda way.

                                          Based on the Cornish chain of diners; 'Spazzmo's'

                                              Nan Boxing: coming soon to Sky Sports

                                            A French guy, being normal. Bonjour.

Some Times reader would buy this fucking shed, pay for it to be done up, then write some pissy book about their French wine growing adventure. Wankers.



Sunday, 11 March 2012

11/03/12 Boggy Creek (2010)

Teens go camping emo-noodler that briefly turns into a very patchy monster film with a growly chap in a fur suit bought off ebay.

Mostly it's just five actors of varying competency sitting around speaking youngpeople words.

It starts off OK and remains relatively good until the last 30 minutes which then fire both barrels of the shitgun.



Thursday, 8 March 2012

07/03/12 Urban Explorer (2011)

A small group of slim young folk go on an adventure in some tunnels underneath Berlin. One of 'em takes a tumble and gets hurt and the others are trying to get him out when they bump into a kindly old tunnel-dweller who offers to help. He turns out to be as mad as a sack of carrots and enjoys killing, cannibalism, growing a beard and peeling off young people's upper-body fleshskin like a splatty cardigan.

I done quite a lot of Urban Exploring in my twenties, although back then it didn't have a name and it was very rarely urban. Fucking hipsters. Point is, the worse we ever came across was crap graffitti and the occasional 'water damaged' bongo-mag. Hardly ever did we find any homicidal Germans.

Anyway, if you're the kind of arsewit who thinks the Saw films were good, this'll be right up your (abandoned) alley. Fnar.


Watch this short film instead. It's rather sweet.


Wednesday, 7 March 2012

06/03/12 Death Machine (1994)

Low-budget Sci-Fi flick about some people in a building being pursued by what looks like a robot dinosaur.

Never been much of a fan of straight-up Sci-Fi films, Blade Runner aside. Although unlike most people, I prefer the version of B.R. with the Deckard narration. It's well known that Harrison Ford was pissed off at having to record it, hence his flat vocal delivery. I think the monotone vocals suit his character and the mood of the film really well.

But, er, back to Death Machine... I dunno, if you like Sci-Fi, it's prob cracking good fun. Apparently there's four different cuts of the film. The longest is meant to be the best. I watched the shortest.

But enough of all that, the best thing about it is one of the actors is called William Hootkins! I love silly surnames.

5/10  Or maybe much higher/lower. Depending on if you enjoy old tits like this.

That's the full filmywilmy.

Russell Brand, what a cunt, eh?


Tuesday, 6 March 2012

06/03/12 ATM (2012)

Alternative title: Three yuppies in a box.

I can't be arsed to review this. Go to the IMDB link and have a peek at the synopsis. Then don't bother watching it.



05/02/12 Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (2011)

Nic Cage plays a chap who catches fire when he rides a motorbike. Well, people do say they're dangerous.

Idris Elba looks slightly less sleepy than he did in The Wire.

The film's a 90 minute splash of wank involving some baddies who want to get hold of some surly child who has magic powers and use him for eeeeeeeevil. Not only is it geared towards 12yr old boys, it gives the impression of being written by one as well.

The first Ghostrider wasn't a masterpiece, but it did have Peter Fonda's fun portrayl of the Devil. I shall watch this one another 200 times to try and find something of merit*

In the meantime, listen to this song; angry bum-neck, Henry Rollins** sings about Ghost Rider and it's much better than the films.


*=I won't really.

**= It's about as wide as an arse, that's all I could think of.


Monday, 5 March 2012

04/03/12 Sweeny! (1977)

Film spin-off from the '70s plodcop show. Suprisingly and pleasingly complex plot. Some of the acting's as wobbly as a punctured unicycle, but well worth a peek to see what London looked like 35 years ago, not to mention the amusement that can be gained from the wide display of terrible hair, grim interiors, yellow teeth and difficult trousers.

According to IMDB's trivia page, this was the first British film to be shown openly in communist China. Now there's a pub quiz point scorer if I ever heard one!

                        "Me? High heels, French knickers and a lace bra. What are you wearing?"

                                            "That's hot! I'm wearing latex shoes and chainmail"

                                                           "Have you heard this filth?!"

                                                               "Pint of tits, please"

                        "Are you certain I'm the father? You've been with a lot of men since we split up."

                                         Scotland Yard's Serious Crime Incident Room, 1977

                                Training for the olympics was a much more formal practice back then.

                                      "Darling, I'll be working late tonight. Something's come up."

Depressingly, the late John Thaw was younger than me when this was filmed. He got to see Lynda Bellingham's boobs though, they're ace!