Wednesday, 30 September 2015

28/09/15 The Dead Pool (1988)

The really bad Dirty Harry film that involves a car chase with a toy car and embarrassing Guns N Roses cameos.


28/09/15 Plunkett and McCleane (1999)

This got seriously bollocksed by the reviewers when it came out. Dunno why, it's an enjoyable enough load of nonsense. Why listen to the opinion of paid critics when you can read this poorly thought out shit instead?

Although all opinions on here are correct and should be adopted as your own.


28/09/15 Anti-Social (2015)

Considering it's apparent low budget, this Brit crime effort actually has some impressive moments. It's not gonna blow your mind or anything, and it suffers from many of the usual cliches, but it's not actually half as bad as I was expecting.
7/10 Or a bit more/less.


--/09/15 Teen Lust (2014)

A cross between American Pie and the pleasingly silly TV show Todd and the Book of Pure Evil. Canadian. Like a moose dipped in maple syrup playing Ice Hockey and being reasonable about everything.


--/09/15 The Editor (2014)

Another bunch of cunts who think shit old films were great. You know the kind of unimaginative fucking prickholes who laugh at the '118' characters?
"Ha! Moustaches! Like the '70s and Ron Jeremy! Disco things! Life On Mars was brilliant! Retro LOL!"

I can't be bothered, the people who made this need to be kicked in the face.


--/09/15 Grosse Point Blank (1997)

Whilst watching this, I had a virtual peek around the Grosse Point area of Detroit online. Looks quite posh. Surprising. We was under the impression that everywhere with a Detroit postcode was pretty much just burnt-out rubble with occasional haunted looking pigeon flapping about and equally burnt-out people with irregular numbers of teeth and limbs.
Still, capitalism, eh? Where there's large numbers of poor, they'll always small numbers of rich not too far away.

Although we enjoyed it, it still doesn't deserve the amount of cultish love this film receives.


--/09/15 The Visit (2015)

Hugely flawed, the twist is, when given even the lightest of thought, unlikely to the point of being nearly impossible. However, it's not the worst film we've ever seen and it kept us watching all the way through.


--/09/15 Containment (2015)

Mini-budget Brit effort about a chap who wakes up to find himself locked in his flat.
From what he can see going on outside, there's been some kind of 'event' or outbreak, surprising it's not zombies, just yer standard contagion or bio-terrorism. So that's alright then.
Anyway, his immediate neighbours break through the wall, and they manage to rapidly form what could be considered a crisis resident's committee, and plan what to do as the world all goes a bit bollock-shaped outside the block.

Welly played, well paced, decent effort.


--/09/15 Basic Instinct (1992)

Y'know, the one where briefly glimpsing some pubic hair became global headline news. Has Michael Douglas ever been in a film that's good? I never really enjoyed the Romancing The Stone films as much as everyone else seemed to, then there was this, Black Rain where he pretended to be tough, er... Oh, One Night At McCall's, I seem to be one of the few people who enjoyed that, although looking at it objectively, that's also shit. Tried watching Coma, that one he done in the '70s quite a few times, fallen asleep every time, as if the film's title is acting as a suggestion.

Fuck me!!! Falling Down! How could I forget that?! What a great film. You really sympathise with his character until it's revealed that he's a total cock-tip near the end. Still a great film though.
Pubic hair sensation/10


--/09/15 Amnesiac (2015)

Ironic title considering how much it made us want to sleep. Dull, with a dull twist. If it was a muffin, it'd be dullberry flavoured. Filmed in Dullington-on-Sea.


--/09/15 The Loved Ones (2009)

Another teen horror that's above the quality of most others.

A great turn from from Robin McLeavy as the nutty young lady, she then went on to play the lady with biro on her chin in Hell On Wheels. That's a good show. Makes me glad I didn't work on the American railways in the 1860s. Pretty much everything appeared to have fallen over, blown up, got shot of suffered from disease back then. If you know East Croydon station, imagine that but even worse and with more hats. 
Still, life wasn't much better, or any better, over here back then. On a tour of Highgate Cemetery (well worth doing, fascinating place!) the guide told us that average life expectancy for the working poor when the cemetery was built, was 22yrs old.

What? You read this expecting actual film reviews? Don't be cocking daft. You silly sausage.


--/09/15 Soldiers Of The Damned (2015)

German soldiers, who seem to have mostly been raised in the north-east of England judging by the accents, come across some supernatural twaddle in some woods that make them age quickly or something. I dunno, it was poor.


--/09/15 Some Kind Of Hate (2015)

Some troubled teenagers get so angry that an even angrier dead teenager comes back to life and kills some people.

Actually not too bad for a horror film involving teenagers, most of which become less and less interesting the more distantly your own teen years fade behind you. I've been out of my teens for over twenty years now, strange how they seem to leave the biggest mark on your person, shaping who you become.

Frued and that lot would say that your most formative years are those of infancy, and that powerful events and bonds in those earliest of times are what make us the adults we become. I'm not so sure, I think many of us pine for the more cogent exploration of our middle-youth. I'd fucking love to spend my weekends doing handbreak skids in cars of dubious legality, and having a libido that raged like hell's furnace, like I did in my teen years, whereas sitting in a nappy completely fascinated by bright colours and curious shapes is rubbish. 

Oh yeah, the film's half decent for that sort of thing, the start's stronger than the second half though.


Saturday, 19 September 2015

19/09/15 Last Shift (2014)

Young rookie plodcop on her first ever shift is left to watch over a police station that's being permanently closed the next day.

Now call me a massive cowardly tart, but personally I'd fuck off and leave to place to itself after witnessing the first blood-covered demonic entity whispering evil threats in a disused cell, not hang around and finish my shift having to deal with loads of the bastards like the cop does.

Starts off well then becomes far too repetitive. Bit like life, really. Still, mustn't grumble.


18/09/15 Blood Moon (2014)

Low-budget Brit film where everyone pretends it's the American wild west. The accents, clothing, locations and sets are all impressive given the obvious lack of big funding.
However, I found the pacing sagged a little and there was a couple of weak moments.

Also, there's a werewolf. Probably should've mentioned that.

Pretty fair effort.

Well, y'know, for a nonsense, ropey Britwolf effort.


--/09/15 Skeleton Key (2005)

So convenient that protagonist white girls in films like this always have one black friend who can explain to them about voodoo when the plot requires a bit of background.

"My grandma told me stories when I was a kid".

And all that lazily written shit.


--/09/15 Big Game (2014)

This is also bollocks, but I'll admit it's the fun type. Nonsense but entertaining. The kid's a strange looking little fella though.


--/09/15 Eden Lodge (2015)

Another dull low budget spooky effort with nothing at all to hold your interest. I watched it within the last week or so and I have already forgotten most of it.


--/09/15 Fantastic Four (2015)

Futter Follocks.


--/09/15 National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)

Was this ever funny?


--/09/15 Bloodsucking Bastards (2015)

Rarer than a four-quid note, a low budget horror comedy that's actually funny, at times very. No classic, but better than many that are considered such. Well worth a look if you want some silly nonsense to enjoy.


--/09/15 The Lookout (2007)

Twat crashes car. His injuries make him go a bit brain-wonky so his promising sporting career is dropped in favour of becoming a dogsbody in a small town bank. Some people befriend him under false pretenses so that they have an inside man when they rob the place.

Considering what a bollocks they make of it they shouldn't have gone to all that effort.


--/09/15 Colombiana (2011)

Zoe Saldana has got a very nice arse. Something the makers of this film realised to their advantage, hence the numerous shots that linger on it in an attempt to make anyone watching it forget how terrible the rest of it is.


--/09/15 Contracted: Phase Two (2015)

Man turns slowly into a zombie. That's about it really. Not too bad. Might have to watch the original now.


--/09/15 Hitman: Agent 47 (2015)

Play the games, they're much better. At least Rupert Friend looks less like an angry baby than Timothy Olyphant did in the last shit film.

Rupert Friend and Timothy Olyphant? Fucking hell, how much do those two sound like names a child has given his two favourite teddy bears? The next Hitman film (which will also be shit) has a high risk of having someone called Mr Pinkytoes or Eddy the Fluff Bear in the title role.

Actually, Eddy the Fluff Bear sounds more like he'd be in gay porn, but you get my point.


--/09/15 Robert The Doll (2015)

Another low budget effort from writer/director Andrew Jones.

He's got the cast, crew and directing thing sharpened to quite a fine point now, he just needs to get someone else to write the stories as the plot is derivative ballsack. 
Still, as he appears to be releasing a new film every fifteen days or so, I reckon he'll be bashing out Citizen Kane by Christmas.


--/09/15 Cube (1997)


(It's one of  my favourite low budget films and not at all pube. I just like that word and they rhyme.)

--/09/15 Plague (2015)

Ever thought to yourself 'I fancy watching a zombie film, but don't want any of the entertaining stuff'?

If so, give this a whirl!


--/09/15 Minions (2015)

Curious, excitable little people who speak a funny language and get up to all manner of silliness. Basically, Japan: The Film.


--/09/15 The Rise Of The Krays (2015)

Danny Dyer, Gentrification hipster arseholes, concrete, and criminal gangs, the East End is shit.


--/09/15 Sweet Home (2015)

A young Spanish couple are in a near-derelict block of flats. Can't remember why, think one of 'em might be looking to buy the small block as a fixer-upper, or maybe they're well dressed tramps or they've sneaked in for a quick bumming. Anyway, they're happily doing their thing when some baddies turn up and it all gets a bit murdery.

Very decent home invasion flick up until the last twenty-five minutes when 'lumbering super baddie' turns up and proceeds to be very unlikely and bollocks.


--/09/15 The Man With Two Brains (1983)

Silly nonsense, in a good way, and by golly, Kathleen Turner back then, eh?


--/09/15 Mulberry Street (2006)

Similar to Sesame Street, but with more rat-zombies.

Also, much much better than a film about rat zombies with a total budget of potato should be, that's probably down to it being a Jim Mickle/Nick Damici film. We are fans of their efforts here on FilmPlop.

It's not really like Sesame Street, the rest is true though.

Blimey, reading this blog must be like standing at a bus stop. You wait two weeks for one then nineteen turn up at once.


Friday, 4 September 2015

03/09/15 Z For Zachariah (2015)

Rare for post apocalyptic films that it's set in a fairly idyllic mountain area that managed to escape what ever global clusterwank has bollocksed the planet.

Good acting, lovely scenery, small cast that spend most of their time looking over there a bit and being quietly thoughtful.

Doesn't feature any of the usual violence, explosions or zombies that these films normally do...

...Which was nice.

Does also mean that it's a bit boring.


02/09/15 Aftermath (2013)

Man has a problem with his employees.


02/09/15 Dead Heat (1988)

This was the third time I've seen this film.

The third.

Worth it for the last 30 minutes.

And the bit in the Chinatown butchers.


01/09/15 Futureworld (1976)

Ironic title considering how dated it looks.

Basically Jurassic Park but with robots instead of dinosaurs.

"Gentlemen, to invade The Netherlands we must wear the national dress. Cheese."


"You should wear the cotton. I really brings out your solitary death-beam"

Japan's such a fucking odd place I'm not even sure that this is from the film or some kind of national live webcam.

"What you looking up?"
"Film Plop."
"Any good"
"Nah, not really."
"Get back to work then."
"Fuck off, you pube."

Such comfortable looking fashions back then.

Is this what the children refer to as a 'facepalm'?


Thursday, 3 September 2015

01/09/15 National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

This was on TV the other night. First time I'd seen it in many years.

Repeats of Bullseye from the same era are playing most nights on the cable channel Challenge.

The haircuts and strangely shaped faces of the show's contestants are far more entertaining and funny.

Whilst searching for appropriate Bullseye images, I found this blog from frequent Viz mention (I think) Christina Martin, have a look. It's the sorta thing we do here, but actually funny:

Anyway, Cheers.