Thursday, 28 February 2013

27/02/2013 The Bay (2012)

Found footage film focusing on a mystery virus breaking out during 4th of July celebrations.  Use of multiple sources rather than one camera's POV and seemingly plausible science make this an above average effort in the genre*



*Qualified marine biologists may disagree

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

26/02/13 Mama (2013)

Film starts with a man who's gone a bit wonky in the headbrain. Something's gone a bit bollock-shaped at work or something so he goes home, possibly shoots his wife and decides to take his kids out for a drive and crash the car, and hide in a knackered cabin in the woods.
There's also a ghost who lives in the cabin, a skinny doris who looks like she's been dipped in mud. She kills the dad then adopts the kids for a few years, like some type of foster ghost, hence she becomes the kid's 'Mama'. She appears to raise them on a diet of cherries and moths.

Anyway, kids get found, the dad's less mentally wobbly brother and his annoying Mrs become their guardians and get given a big house to live in with the now semi-feral kids. The Ghost also moves in to the new place and spends a lot of time in the cupboard/under the bed/the ceiling.

This was based on a three minute short film which I'm willing to bet was massively better. Every jump-scare can be seen coming like a big, spindly, mud-dipped bungalow on wheels. Tedious.

Also, paedo-bearded hack Guillermo del Toro produced this sack of wank. Film people pretend this is important. Arseholes.

Fuck so-called horror films that smooth all the edges down in an attempt to appeal to as broad an audience as possible.


Sunday, 24 February 2013

23/02/13 Planet Of Dinosaurs (1977)

I loved this film as a kid. Although, like most children, I was a largely useless idiot who drew energy from sherbet and E-numbers, even then I had enough awareness to realise that the acting in this film is a relentless sensory pummelling of awful.

However, it does have dinosaurs in it, and at that age, that's all you need to make a film brilliant. Some years ago me and my brother went to see Land And Freedom, The Ken Loach film about a young Scouser who goes over to Spain to fight against fascism.
As an adult, I could appreciate the nuances of the story and found the ending very emotional and poignant. As a child I would've found it boring. If there had been a version where the fifteen minute conversation about collectivised farming had ended with a Tyrannosaurus and  a Triceratops kicking each other's balls off, I would've loved it.
Point is, if you drop dinosaurs in any old shit, pre-teen boys will love it. Hence why, I loved this film as a nipper, even with performances that could fairly be used as a litmus standard of terrible.

Also, if this film didn't have dinosaurs in it, it would just be called 'Planet'. That would be rubbish.

Anyway, in this thundering mud-baby of brilliance, a group of people are flying through space in a plastic model spaceship, it goes wrong so they get in a plastic escape cup and fall onto the dino-globe.

They then spend about 80% of the film walking, occasionally stopping to forget their dialogue and battle with some amusing stop motion plasticine lizards who have trouble retaining size continuity from shot to shot.

The effects are actually not too shabby here and there and it looks like the sculpting of the creatures was the only part of the film where any money and effort was expended.

If nothing else, it's worth seeing for the range of moustaches involved and the acting.



"Oi, Sutcliffe, no full beards allowed!"

"You heard the man, fuck off! You beardy prick!"

"Yeah, beardface!"

The ever popular 1977 computer game: Moustache Farm.

30th anniversary edition? It merits that? Fuck me.


23/02/13 Deadfall (2012)

Well shot, good acting, lots of snow, too many plot holes and mostly boring.


23/02/13 Dog soldiers (2002)

Just as great as when I last said it was great in May last year. So read that instead.

Put on as part of Film 4's Werewolf Season.


Saturday, 23 February 2013

22//02/13 The ABCs Of Death (2012)

Twenty-six short films, each one with a different writer/director/cast, with the titles relating to the appropriate sequential letter of the alphabet.

26 short films? 26 mini reviews!

A is for Apocalypse.
A woman slices up an old man, throws some fizzing milk in his face and spangs him with a frying pan. Outside, sirens are heard suggesting the mad has kicked off big time. 4/10

B is for Bigfoot.
Two Spanish people are looking after a child. Contains good boobs and a nutty binman. 5.5/10

C is for Cycle.
Another Spanish one, kinda similar to the excellent Timecrimes. Rather pleasing. 7.5/10

D is for Dogfight.
Bloody excellent! Filmed almost entirely in slow motion, but in a way that works rather than the Zak Snyder style. Which is shit. Cracking little twist, very stylish, random child. One of the best. 9/10

E is for Exterminate
Amusing, short and fun. Directed by Angela Bettis who was the title character in the excellent film May. Spider bites man, man has some snacks and a wank. Face goes wrong. 7/10

F is for Fart.
Japan. The world's insane uncle. Either doesn't realise of doesn't care that everyone else can see what they're up to. 5/10? No idea.

G is for Gravity.
A man goes surfing. Falls over. Possibly on purpose. 2/10

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion
I don't get 'Furries', people who have a fetish for anthropomorphised animals with exaggerated sexual features. It's like they can't commit fully to bumming a hedgehog, so they wank over some pictures of a goat with tits. If I was to be Freudian about it, I would suggest that they were probably raised in an environment where unchecked childhood curiosity was played out on household pets leading to unusual perceptions of sex stuff. Or something. Each to their own and all that. Having said that, the stripping cat in this does have good knockers. There's also a man-dog. Something about nazis. They have a fight. 3/10 

I is for Ingrown.
Woman in a bath. Man doesn't like her. She dies. 2/10

J is for Jidai-Geki.
Another Japanese one. Inflato-head, samurai's. 4/10

K is for Klutz.
Superb comedy animation about a woman at a party who's having problems flushing away a sentient poo. Very funny and possibly the only time in my life I've wanted an adorable pet shite. 9.5/10

L is for Libido.
Hurrah, the Japanese loonofest continues. A series of competitors sit strapped to chairs and have to wank to completion at whatever is on show or performed in front of them. The displays get increasingly twisted and include amputees, child buggery and murder. The winner is the fella who blows his beans first, the loser then gets impaled on a death spike that shoots up their arse. Pretty twisted stuff, but hey=ho, it can't all be about cuddly bum-rubbish. 6/10

M is for Miscarriage.
A woman in annoying shoes flushes a miscarriage down the shitter. Toilets seem to feature heavily in this collection. Disappointingly bollocks effort from the talented Ti West. Still, on the plus side. lots of yanktards on IMDB are all, like, "Wah wah wah! Abortion! How dare he! Waaaah! Jebus!" etc. 1/10

N is for Nuptials.
Very amusing effort about a man proposing to his girlfriend via a parrot. 7/10

O is for Orgasm.
Dunno, think it was trying to do some semi-literal take on the whole 'petit-mort' thing? 4/10

P is for Pressure.
Fat chick gets hired to stamp on a kitten. Meh. 1/10

Q is for Quack.
Starts off up is own arse, but slowly crawls out to finish on a blinder. Involves a duck. 6/10

R is for Removed.
Flaky skinned bloke waddles round a hospital, gets out, pushes a train, falls over. 2/10

S is for Speed.
A Jake West effort that starts off like a mediocre supernatural tribute to Russ Myer, but throws in a nice twist that elevates it to one of the better ones. 7/10

T is for Toilet.
This one was a competition entry, the film makers opened 'T' to submissions from anyone who could be bothered. It was won by talented claymation nerd, Lee Hardcastle. It's like a gory version of Wallace and Gromit. With a demonic toilet. 7/10

U is for Unearthed.
POV vampire story done by tubby Brit Ben Wheatley. Pretty good. 7/10

V is for Vagitus.
The only entry that could be classed as Sci-Fi. Not too bad, and the ladyplod is very easy on the eye. 6/10

W is for WTF.
A.D.D., Macbook, 4chan, LOL eyerape shit that's tediously long even at a few minutes. Utter wank. 1/10

X is for XXL.
A fat French lady gets mocked by people who aren't fat, so she indulges in some drastic weight reduction measures. Tells its story with minimal faff and does the gore thing effectively. By far the best thing Xavier Gens has been involved in. Horror fans went nuts for his film Martyrs, even thought it was a shitting, shit-awful, shit piece of shit. 5.5/10

Y is for Youngbuck.
Shite about some school caretaker and a deer being killed. The inclusion of the '80s sounding music made it double bollocks. The director once made a much, much better short film called Treevenge, look that up, it's bloody ace! 1/10

Z is for Zetsumetsu
Another Japanese entry. Fuck knows? Some alternative history thing that involves the food supply being a bit suspect, giant strap-on cocks and an arsehole in a wheelchair. 2/10

Well, there you go. I doubt anyone bothered to read all of that, if you did, well done, You've wasted almost as much time as I did typing this bollocks.
I guess that works out at an aggregate score of about 7/10. 

We've all been there. Not enough fibre.

Ironically more human than any of the plastobots in The Pussycat Dolls.

*1970s style women motorists joke*
"Is this bit the engine?"

"Kneel before Ducklord, puny human!"

"Do as he says!!!"

From K is for Klutz

"A quick wank, then I'm off to be in Broadwalk Empire and Con Air."


Friday, 22 February 2013

22/02/13 The Fall Of The Essex Boys (2012)

17 years ago, three total arseholes got shot in a car.

This is the fourth film about it.

They're all shit.
2/10 (One point for each of Kierston Wareing's boobs)


20/02/13 Wolf (1994)

"Let's make a werewolf film!"

"Yeah! Attacks on the moors, castles, woodlands, transformation scene, full moon, struggle between man and beast, amazing special effects..."

"Maybe. Or we could make one about an old guy, working for a book publishers who wants to bone Michelle Pfeiffer."

"...But still with the special effects?"

"Fake beard."


*High fives*


Monday, 18 February 2013

18/02/13 The Firm (1989)

A made for TV film about gentrified football hooliganism in yuppie-era Britain starring everyone who's ever been in a Guy Ritchie film or Eastenders, or been Gary Oldman.

At the time it was probably a bit shocking due to its bleak violence, portrayal of casually thuggish, moneyed working class people and how little football actually had to do with the battles they fought.

Battles makes it sound a bit grand doesn't it? Certainly merits those kinda fuckwits with a greater nobility than they ever deserved. Personally, I've never really given a fuck about football, money, fighting or Pringle jumpers so they can all shove it up their arse.


17/02/13 Three O'Clock High (1987)

A tough new kid (played by a man in his mid-twenties) joins a school and gets angry after one of the nerds touches him in the toilets.

Different to most teen films of the '80s as it's filmed fairly straight with excellent camera work and touches of pseudo-noir that creates an oddly flat mood.

Before Facebook, people met in different ways.

A curious looking fellow.

Early experiments with cloning yielded strange results.

"A ZX Spectrum hardware upgrade?!" *Sexface*


17/02/13 Back to the Future Part III (1990)

Like the last two, you've probably seen it so there's no point me flannelling on about it. Better than the second, not as good as the first.


Sunday, 17 February 2013

16/02/13 Rise Of The Zombies (2012)

Alcatraz. Zombies. Acting. Baby. Terrible.

"What's my motivation, darling?"


16/02/13 Stitches (2012)

Sporadically funny geordie Ross Noble plays a children's party clown who accidentally dies during a brat's birthday gig.

Six years later he rises from the grave to get revenge on the slightly older children.

Reminded me a lot of the '90s film Funny Man, which is a really unfunny, shit effort that seems to have an enduring pseudo-cult appeal to many people. This is slimly better, but not a huge amount. Some of the gore is camply excellent though.


Saturday, 16 February 2013

15/02/2013 Officer Down (2013)

Stephen Dwarf is a cop whose has had dodgy stuff happen to him and he goes to find out who made the stuff happen and stuff.  It's well acted but fairly unengaging and Dwarf's head is now too distractingly wrinkled.



14/02/2013 Border Run (2013)

Sharon Stone, a woman whose career only exists because she flashed her ladyfluff 20 years ago.  Casino aside, her film and acting history is a bit patchy (and playing a ginned up mentalist in Casino probably wasn't much of a stretch, indeed she may not have realised she was even making a film).  Let's not forget she has snogged Michael Douglas with no visible signs of repulsion so perhaps she isn't too shabby after all.

Anyway, this film is a rather tedious effort about her trying to find her brother who has possibly been killed trying to cross the Mexican border.  Stuff happens and you see her boobs.  The black hair doesn't suit her.


Version with black hair

Version with blonde hair and different name.  Wonder if they made her shoot it all again with a different wig?


Monday, 11 February 2013

10/02/13 Grave Encounters 2 (2012)

The first Grave Encounters was one of the better found footage spookers. It was still shit, but some of the performances (the psychic is a particular highlight) were entertaining and a few of the scares worked well. However, the sequel is pretty much just shit.

He's probably grumpy due to not having a cock.


Sunday, 10 February 2013

10/02/13 Stand Up Guys (2012)

Blimey, Al Pacino now looks old enough to play his own granddad. In fact, the four main cast members of this have a combined age of 295 years.That's approximately fifteen Inbetweeners. However, pensioners are frequently far more interesting then the happy faced sparkle-children that hog the cameras in film world.

Anyway, in this creaky limbed sanatogen-fest. Pacino gets out of prison, punches some people, steals some viagra, nicks a car and shoots some guns. A bit like a grey haired Croydon.

Not as good as it should've been, although it does have a few corking lines of dialogue.


10/02/13 The Snipist (2012)

Made for TV short film, written and directed by Garth Merenghi.

A spiritual brother to The Mad Death. Pretty flippin' good, if a little uncertain at the end.

It's only 30 mins long, have a watch if you're bored:


Friday, 8 February 2013

08/02/13 The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (2013)

The same horror film I've seen a hundred times in the last decade.

Highlights include people doing stuff and eventually ending.

At one point a character sounds like she warns the others about "A sphincter in the woods."

A spectral forest arse would've improved this film greatly.


Wednesday, 6 February 2013

05/02/13 What Richard Did (2012)


A mostly excellent Irish film about a double murderer (one gerbil, one human) and the effect that seemingly small acts can have in the immediate and long term.

The Richard of the title is an 18yr old lad from a good family living in an idyllic portrait of youth: beach parties, disposable income, good looks, popularity, mobility and a bright looking future.

One night, he attends a party where alcohol blurs perception and emotions run high, leading to an (unintentionally) fatal confrontation. The remainder of the film is an exploration of how Richard deals with the repercussions of his actions and highlights the burden of guilt he carries.

The acting, by the whole cast, is superb, and elevates what could be a mundane film into the realms of a highly recommended one.

Right, that's enough serious wank. Here's some pictures:

Ireland. A nation separated by history, religion and cheese counters. Fuck those White-Hats!

"You just don't understand me! I'm not like the other petrol stations!"

The Irish. Drinking heavily. Just in case you wasn't sure.


04/02/13 Tower Block (2012)

When we finished watching this, my first thought was "That was half shit, half excellent". Excrellent, if you will.

A Sniper is picking off residents of a block of flats, with a reaction time and accuracy greater than Rifle-Jesus.

The Good:

Some acting.
Cracking central idea.
Camera work and production values.
Genuine sense of being stuck in a helpless situation.
Sheridan Smith's boobs.

The Bad:

The other acting.
A number of hugely unlikely and stupid decisions made by some of the characters.
The impossible level of preparedness the sniper has.
They stay hidden.

Worth seeing, just try and overlook the flaws.

No poster, so there's the title of the film in letters.


Sunday, 3 February 2013

03/02/12 American Mary (2012)

It's a Canadian film, so surely, like, Canadian Gladys or something would've been a better name? 

Anyway, (North) American (Continent) Mary is a student surgeon who puts her skills to use in a combination of performing extreme body modification and torturing some unpleasant folk.

Tries too hard. A bit boring.



02/02/13 House (1986)

A man with awkward hair moves into a haunted house, puts his ex wife in a cupboard, tussles with some spooks, tries to write a book and finds his missing son in the swimming pool.

For some reason, I found this quite spooky when I was a young 'un. Watching it last night, I thought it was boring old nonsense. So there you go.


Saturday, 2 February 2013

02/02/13 Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker (2002)

Fifth film in the Hellraiser series which is now up to number 8 or 9. The first one had a good story and moments of horror film brilliance, this one's a bit cock and balls.

The script was originally nothing to do with Pinny and the Cenobites (Note to self: great band name!) but they were written in to make it part of the 'Raiser gang.

Specials today include steak, bowel and pubes.

"...I'll tear your crisps apart!"

"Yes, Miriam and I normally spend December in Spain. It's so nice to get some winter sun."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, you've failed your practical driving test."


01/02/2013 Inside (2012)

Prison set horror starring Luke Goss (yeah, him out of Bros).  He is pretty good in it which came as a surprise after previous efforts which were a bit ropey at best.  The film itself isn't too bad either considering the low budget, fixed location and tiny cast.  Certainly deserves higher points than the tight 3.1 on imdb.

I was a Matt girl myself.