Monday, 31 December 2012

31/12/12 The Possession (2012)

The events that "inspired" this film certainly make for a good read, a bit like the letters you get from special people at the back of Fortean Times (the one about the prairie huntsman living in Worcester Park is a lifetime fave). But anyway, the orginal story is a nice creepy bit of reading.

Right, having got that out of the way, this is a film about a man who has two annoying children. He buys one of them a box. The box contains an angry, bald evil spirit who wrangles moths and possesses the youngest child. All the usual shit happens, then a rabbi does an exorcism, all without anything interesting or original troubling the proceedings.

Bald and angry.

Yes, Sainsbury's actually believes Podd is a rabbi. Shalom, etc.


31/12/12 The Uninvited (1944)

So, after almost exactly one year of 'Plopping, we got 'round to watching a black and white film.

Haunted house flicks were certainly different 68 years ago. Much politer and far greater amounts of hat wearing. And the ghosts weren't up to much either, they went 'Woooooo' occasionally, floated up and down the stairs a few times and looked a bit like a curtain. Not to worry, you could pretty much get rid of them by speaking firmly and throwing a candle at them. That'll teach 'em.

Most of the cast and crew were born in the 1800s. Obvious, given when it was made, but still kinda cool.

Brilliant final line.


30/12/12 Livide (2011)

French horror film that starts off very well, then, sadly, tournez a droit up it's own le arse.

Which is disappointing as it was done by the same peeps as Inside.


30/12/12 Killing Them Softly (2012)

Slow-burner crime flick that's thankfully free of the usual action film silliness.

Two low level goons rob a card game run by the mob and, by making off with the wedge, apparently cause the city's 'criminal economy' to collapse.

It's a rather heavy metaphor of American economics and the wealth divide that comes with unshackled capitalism, set in 2008 the Bush/Obama electoral race plays out in the background to reinforce this. The plot of the film itself is an obvious micro-study of America's wobbly fiscal position, Brad Pitt's final sentences in the film sum it up well.

Although set in recent times, the film seems to make a strong effort to look like something from past decades. Aside from the election race footage (seemingly on every screen passed in the film) there is one brief shot of a mobile phone, everything else: clothes, hairstyles, cars, even the weapons used are far less era specific, giving the film a drab 1970s look. The retro look suits the film's throwback vibe, it's far more about dialogue and acting than crash-visuals and violence fetishism. Y'know, like film's used to be.


Saturday, 29 December 2012

28/12/12 Cube (1997)

Great low budget Sci-Fi/Horror that the Horror channel was decent enough to put on TV just as I was going to bed last night. So I stayed up and watched it. Again.

Very original at the time although it's been copied a number of times since, and the two sequels are poo.

Well worth seeing if you haven't.


Friday, 28 December 2012

28/12/12 House On Haunted Hill (1999)

Terrible shitcake crapped out of Hollywood's unimaginative arse thirteen years ago. Weak, derivative plot (even allowing for the fact that it's a remake), totally cock CGI that ruins what little entertainment it offers. Although Geoffery Rush is pretty good.

Alternative titles could include:

The Bungalow On Spooky Incline.

The Maisonette On Eerie Mound.

The Retirement Apartment On Macabre Elevation.

The Semi On The Shitheap.

The Squat On Creepy Bump.


27/12/12 Chinatown (1974)

You've seen it or at least heard of it.

Land deals, dodgy old men, nasal injuries, mostly NOT in Chinatown. Great ending that makes many internet fucking morons disappointed.

Made in a time when audiences were allowed to think and films had a plot 'n' shit.


Thursday, 27 December 2012

26/12/12 Embalmed (1983)

Forgettable old nonsense about a funeral home, some occultists, Bill Paxton and some terrible haircuts.

Unexpected Princess Diana cameo.

"Still warm... fancy a go?"

"Croydon Society Of Beautiful People, Gary speaking"

The 1980s. Fucking awful.


Wednesday, 26 December 2012

26/12/12 Boot Tracks (2012)

This film's title is almost an anagram of 'Robot Cocks'. A film called Robot Cocks would've been far more interesting.

"I have no penis." *Glums*



25/12/12 The Bourne Identity (2002)

Flippin' brilliant!

Anyone who disagrees is a silly fat Welshman.


25/12/12 Amber Alert (2012)

Two people more irritating than radiation burns drive about, following a paedo around for a day.

The film bucks the usual trend and actually improves as it goes on, leading to a tense ending.

*Bing!* All done.



24/12/12 Inside (2007)

If I was French, my day would go something like this:

7am - Alarm

7.02am - Red wine and a baguette

7.50am - Surrender

8am - Try and drive a terrible French car to the shops for some wine.

8.05am - Abandon car after it breaks down.

8.30am - Lunchtime. Two bottles of red wine and assorted amphibian limbs.

2pm - Lunchbreak over.

2.10pm - Wear a beret.

3pm - Afternoon meal White wine and shelled molluscs.

8pm - Make fucking cracker of a horror film.

10.20pm - celebrate with wine and onions on a string dipped in some blue cheese shit.

10.55pm  - Surrender.

11.04pm - A quick bottle of wine before bed.


24/12/2012 Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

80's slasher with a Christmas theme. Young Billy develops Christmas "issues" when seeing his parents murdered by a guy dressed as Santa. Ten years later Billy goes on to give a bunch of kids issues of their own by embarking on his own Santa-themed rampage.  Film is above average for its type and age, but the big die hard fanbase on imdb is a bit mystifying (although it could be the boobs).


24/12/2012 The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

I watched this when it was on last Christmas Eve too; it's becoming something of a tradition!  Muppet interpretation of the classic Dickens short story with some genius if not predictable casting (Statler & Waldorf were born to play Marley & Marley!).  Excellent fun stuff (apart from Michael Caine's singing).



Sunday, 23 December 2012

22/12/2012 Sex Drive (2008)

Not-quite-as-appalling-as-you'd-expect teen comedy which completely rips off the plot of the superior Road Trip (and even that's not brilliant) as well as elements from American Pie (including a carbon copy of the Stifler character).  Meh it could've been better but it equally could have been much worse. Pokes fun at the Amish community which is always a giggle.  The end is massively predictable.



22/12/2012 Taken 2 (2012)

The first Taken was enjoyable nonsense.  This is just insultingly terrible.

It's hard to summarise its many faults but the main issues are Neesen's "teen" daughter is played by somebody who's pushing 30 yet looks 10 years older than that (and appears to keep ageing throughout the film), and said daughter somehow miraculously goes from being incapable of reversing an automatic car five feet to hairing round the backstreets of Istanbul in a manual car with skills Colin McRae would have been proud of.

It is also extremely convenient (not to mention highly unlikely) that the kidnapped Neesen is able to have a leisurely paced phone call with his daughter asking her to do several implausible things (including the casual throwing of a hand grenade) in order to ascertain his location (using a mobile phone which we could only conclude had been secreted up his arse) without his captors overhearing.

Shit on all levels.  Let's hope the franchise ends here.



Saturday, 22 December 2012

22/12/12 Weekend At Bernie's (1989)

It was on TV. Some of the jokes are still funny.


21/12/2012 Dance of the Dead (2008)

Yet another zombie film but has a vaguely different plot in that they resurrect on prom night to eat the popular kids, leaving the dateless losers to save the day (I'm guessing the writer had a rough time at high school).  Has some amusing moments and good lines.



Friday, 21 December 2012

21/12/2012 Bloody Birthday (1981)

Average and dated 80's thriller with above average boobs.



21/12/2012 Dredd 3D (2012)

Surprisingly not utterly terrible and rather good fun.



Thursday, 20 December 2012

20/12/2012 Dead Man's Shoes (2004)

Still awesome

Repeat viewings count!


BubnPerk :)

20/12/2012 From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Awesome on many levels and the best date movie ever :)  1996 seems so long ago.



19/12/2012 The Gravedancers (2006)

Above averageish film of its type. If you piss and dance on graves the ghosts will haunt your house even if you're that Chunky Neck bloke from Prison Break. At least it's not about college bastards on a camping weekend.



Sunday, 16 December 2012

15/12/2012 The Theatre Bizarre (2011)

Above average anthology film with some stand out segments - I Love You, The Accident and Vision Stains in particular.

Well acted for the most part (although the first section and framing parts are a little on the ropey side) and is not hindered by its small budget or lack of big names.



15/12/12 The Devil's Rock (2011)

Demonic hypno-boobs.



15/12/12 Black Moon Rising (1986)

Bum-awful old toss that retains some entertainment value due to the 'high tec' future gizmos on display. And Linda Hamilton when she was still worth one. Terrible hair though.



15/12/12 Deja Vu (2006)

Denzil Washington battles bravely against a two hour plot hole.


14/12/12 House At The End Of The Street (2012)

Standard whiny teen/struggling mum/odd neighbour stuff.

Does a twist near the end, it's not very good.



Wednesday, 12 December 2012

12/12/12 12/12/12 (2012)


"Corbett, motherfuckers!"


Monday, 10 December 2012

09/12/12 Betrayal (1983)

Jeremy Irons and Patricia Hodge have an unexciting, seemingly sexless affair whilst fully dressed in grey clothing.

Ben Kingsley possibly wears a wig and overacts. Apparently based on a play by Harold Pinter. Which reminds me of this:

Load of old wank.


09/12/12 Poltergeist (1982)

Here's a quote from the IMDB trivia page about this film:

"Steven Spielberg worked on Poltergeist and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial literally back to back. Principal photography on Poltergeist ended in August of 1981, then Spielberg took a few weeks off and began work on E.T."

Yeah, that's called having a job, Spielberg you bearded cabbage.

Something about him that really tugs my balls. The man peaked 37 years ago with Jaws. Wanker.



09/12/12 The Fear (2012)

Another miniseries that I'm gonna include for the usual reasons.

Peter Mullan plays Eddie Scottish who years ago apparently 'took over' Brighton, in the gangster sense. Which apparently involves buying some houses and a hotel. A bit like Monopoly. In recent times his memory's starting going a bit bollock-shaped and he's eventually diagnosed with a dose of mind-spazz.

Personally I think he was just disappointed in having such a pair of cunts for sons.

There's a falling out with some lazily clich├ęd East European tracksuit-crims and a few people get dead/mouthraped.

Pretty meh, but Mullan was excellent, the best he's been since the tragically unknown Session 9. Watch that instead.


I find your breasts hilarious!

Director: "Everyone look at something slightly different."

"Fuck off, Withnail. You mincing, luvvie ponce."


08/12/12 The Secret Of Crickley Hall (2012)

BBC miniseries that we can include as it was film length and we watched it in our own time.

Old-looking young woman falls asleep and her kid disappears. A year later, her and her husband/remaining children move into a creaky studio set with a well in the basement and shizzle.

Lots of old people and a woman who looks like Steve Coogan turn up and offer opinions about ghosts and stuff. Turns out the kid's dead. Ends.

That's The Hall. The secret is there's ghosts.


07/12/12 Last Man Standing (1996)

Silly old tits set in the prohibition era US where Bruce Forsythe* plays Gunny McShootybang, a man who literally fires five bullets for every word he says.

Good soundtrack but mostly rubbish film.



*Willis, whatever.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

05/12/12 Hell Comes To Frogtown (1988)

I first saw this as a teenager in the '80s, I thought it was bloody great.

Watched it late last night, it's bloody great!


04/12/12 The Thing (1982)

Flippin' masterpiece.

A fine remake.


04/12/12 Storm Warning (2007)

A film about two people kidnapped by the standard family of murderous, rapey rednecks.

A bit better than most films of this type and much more Australian.