Thursday, 30 August 2012

28/08/12 Dead Of Winter (1987)

Actress plays an actress who goes to a house to do some acting, then gets involved in a massively unlikely, and logically pointless, plot about a woman and her sister. It's a bit chilly outside.


Tuesday, 28 August 2012

27/08/12 Irvine Welsh's Ecstasy (2011)

Apparently people in Edinburgh enjoy drugs, dance music and crime.

If you're ever uncertain of this, read any of Welsh's books, they're all about drugged-up Edinburgh criminals.


Monday, 27 August 2012

26/08/12 Hell (2011)

In the spirit of German efficency, I shall review this German film with clinical, German-like berevity.

German. Post apocalypse. Very dull. Guten tag.


Sunday, 26 August 2012

26/08/12 The Hunger Games (2012)

In the future there's a nuclear war and after it all ends and peace is established  the survivors decide that to celebrate the continuation of the species we will have a yearly competition where we get children to kill each other.

A logical and realisitc basis for a film.

*Viking mode* Odin's balls, this was fucking boring. *Viking mode off*

Essentially, it's 2hr20 of some dippy tart ambling around on an island, occasionally looking at a broach an old woman gave her and having flashbacks about stuff that happened recently in the film. Piss-poor overblown wank. Terrible CGI at times, especially the robotic, demon were-pigs that seem to pop out of the ground. I'm assuming they have off season maintenance?

"What you up to, Gary?"

"I'm off to the competition island to give the were-pigs an oiling."

I'm sure this film was making some half arsed attempt at social commentary, blah, blah, blah Youth, humanity, repression of the poor, dictatorial elitist government... But it was buried under all the other on-screen fuck-awfulness that was turning my eyes grey with unexcitement. Maybe the books are better.

Watch Battle Royale instead, that's actually good.


Saturday, 25 August 2012

24/08/2012 Next Door (2005)

This film is a joint production between Norway, Denmark and Sweden which, as we all know, are the same place anyway.  It's in the Norwegian language though so it's mostly a Norway film, a country known for fjords, A-Ha and rum films if this one is anything to go by.

A recently dumped man attracts the attention of an odd pair of female neighbours and I can't really say much else without giving it away.  There are some uncomfortable scenes of violent sex and other general cheeriness. The film is refreshingly short at 75 minutes and tells its story and fucks off with no filler/protracted heavily-stabbed/shot-baddie-coming-back-from-the-dead-five-times rubbish.



Friday, 24 August 2012

24/08/12 Two-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Sometimes I admire The Asylum with their 'minimum required' film making. Other times, I wish they'd just fuck off.

This film has a two headed shark.


Tuesday, 21 August 2012

20/08/12 The Reverend (2012)

Starts off sort of intersting... Blah. I'm gonna do a graph.

A. Collusion between vampires and the church.
B. I feel a bit poorly and stuff. I'm a vampire vicar.
C. Emily Booth's massive wobbly cleavage
D. Other old shit and the end.



19/08/12 The Victim (2011)

Two women are hanging out with some fellas in the woods, it all goes tits-up and one of the women dies. The other one wanders off and finds a shed that Kyle Reese is living in. The two fellas come after them to finish her off as well. The woman then spends most of the film having flashbacks that involve her and her dead chum sitting on a sofa.

Done with minimal budget and crew, it's far better than many 'peril-in-the-woods' efforts.


19/08/12 Man On The Train (2011)

Film about a man on a train. He gets off of it within two minutes of the film starting, so title is a little misleading. Potential other names could've been:

Man On Rail Replacement Bus Service.
Child On A Tram.
Woman On A Concorde
Person Of Uncertain Gender On A Rollerskate.

Anyway, the guy who drums for global stadium dullards U2 gets off a train at the start of this film, has a headache, becomes friends with an old guy and tries to decide if he's gonna rob a bank or not.

It's not too bad, Larry Mullen does a much better job in his first acting gig than many people do.

It's a remake of a French film. Possibly called Le Man On Le Train. Or something. Bonjour.


Friday, 17 August 2012

16/08/12 Trespass (1992)

William Sadler and Billiam Paxton tie up two black men then get some old cups out of a loft. A fire happens.


Wednesday, 15 August 2012

15/08/2012 The Pit (1981)

Film about an odd kid who finds a pit containing trolls in the woods and starts to feed them via various means.  The kid is played by Sammy Snyders who was Tom Sawyer in the Huckleberry Finn series which was permanently on during the eighties (we recognised him immediately and he wasn't even painting a fence).  There are some extremely dodgy hairstyles on display; in fact the trolls probably have the least embarrassing hair out of the entire cast.

It's not a classic but it's entertaining and surprisingly dark in parts.



12/08/12 The Last Of The Mohicans 1992

About 8 years ago I tried reading the book this was based on. Hard as balls to get into and my terminal lack of maturity means I was giggling every time the main character was referred to as 'Long Rifle'. Knib! Knib!

I gave up after about fifty pages. Besides, who cares when the film's such a masterpiece. The last twenty minutes are the best in any film ever. In the history of films.

If you disagree, you're a silly fat toilet.


11/08/12 Extinction: The G.M.O. Chronicles (2011)

Massively boring zombie film where lots of Germans talk English.

Poster makes it look FAR more interesting than it is!


10/08/12 V/H/S (2012)

Anthology horror film. The wraparound is about abunch of petty crims who are told to break into a house and steal a VHS tape. Obviously by someone who still thinks it's 1998.

They get in the house and find a bumload of tapes and a dead bloke. Rather than doing anything logical, they decide to watch some of the tapes. The film breaks into five standalone mini-flicks. All of them, to varying levels of contrivance, use the found footage format.
I actually like the found footage thing, it can be very effective, Blair Witch was great and the little known Brit film Exhibit A was excellent, nasty stuff. The style works particularly well in horror where it can cut corners by having stuff 'just happen', things need less explaination when they are witnessed by incidental cameras rather than framed in a traditional narrative. However, this film does feel like it's a little late to the party.

Anyway, the first and last are the best efforts, the middle three feeling a bit like filler, although all entertaining enough.

There ya go.


Thursday, 9 August 2012

09/08/12 Shivers (1975)

Shocking to think we were alive when the world was made almost entirely of brown.

'70s Cronenberg film, about a bunch of people with terrible hair who get infected by a by some sex-worms. They spread them by shitting them out of one person's mouth into the next. Once infected, the people want to fuck and kill everyone. To replicate this in modern times, go drinking in Croydon on a Friday.

Winner of the 1975 'Mr Face' competition.

"Operator, get me the Sid James lookalike agency."

"Putting you through..."

"Yak yak yak"

"Finish me off, Doc?"
"Just this once, Cuthbert."

"The wisdom of the neon hoverbollock, enlighten me!"


08/08/12 Babycall (2011)

For fuck's sake, Scandinavia! Yeah, we get it, you don't smile much.

When I was young the impression we had in Blighty of the Nordic countries was:

Log cabins
Group sex

Now it seems they're trying to convince the world that they're a load of terminal glumulists who live in grey flats, wear brown clothing and have emotionless, beige faces. Anyway, this particular giggle-free snoozer has got that doris who was in the 'Dragon Tattoo' films and Prometheus as a mum in a flat who worries too much about her kid, gets chummy with an odd guy in a shop then goes a bit wobblebonk at the end..

Bing! All done!


06/08/12 Final Destination 3 (2006)

People use the expression 'guilty pleasure' a lot these days, mostly when talking about films and music. Surely a more appropriate use of the term would be in relation to murdering scouts or punching midgets?

Anyway, the 'Destination series of films are a balloon of shite, but we enjoy 'em for the (mostly) creative fatalities. And Tony Todd's greatest line, delivered in the first one:

"Death? That's one Mac Daddy you don't wanna fuck with."

F.D.2 is by far the best film of the bunch, with some surprisingly decent extras on the DVD. Rent/buy that one instead, no.3 is a bit meh.


Sunday, 5 August 2012

04/08/12 Lovely Molly (2012)

Horror/thriller about a woman called Molly. Dunno why people think she's lovely, I thought she was a bit annoying. Anyway, she marries some fella, can't remember his name so I'll call him Lenny Shitmoon.

Being a bit skint Molly and Lenny move into the house where she grew up. Her dad died there a while ago and it's been empty since. Molly takes some heroin, ambles around with her arse out, gets a cuddle off a tree and some people die.

Pretty much seen it all before, but the woman who plays Mollymollymollymolly is excellent. Nice arse as well.


Saturday, 4 August 2012

03/08/12 Marjoe (1972)

Another documentary but I'm gonna include it as it was a strong influence on the mostly excellent The Last Exorcism.

It's about a guy called Marjoe Gortner, (anagrams of which include the oddly appropriate Amen Terror Jog) who became famous-ish as a brimstone preacher at four years old! Having the ferver inducing routines and mannerisms forced into him by unloving hypocrite parents who made sure he was used to exploit as much money as possible from gullible audiences of backwards God-people.

Now in his late twenties, very much a non-beliver and a bit skint, Marjoe (Mary + Joeseph. Yup.) decides to go back into the preach-tents to spread the good word and hold open the donation sacks. Before the tour he arranges to have a documentary crew record both the on-stage performances and the off-stage confessions.

There's an odd moral ambiguity, apparently Marjoe had a crisis of concience, hence the documentary crew, however at one point he's seen happily singing to himself as he counts the money taken from that evening's punters. Either way, it's a fascinating watch and although forty years old, probably still relevant, the USA being a country that wouldn't dream of electing a president who doesn't give praise to God in their speeches.

Marjoe went on to appear in some terrible films where his excellent preacher acting skills seemed to desert him entirely, including Starcrash which we watched back in April.

If you haven't seen either, a double bill of this film followed  by The Last Exorcism would make for a great theme night.


03/08/12 Missionary Man (2007)

Dolph Lundgren film that isn't anything to do with sexual positions. Although if it was, alternative titles could've been:

Reverse Cowgirl Chap
Doggystyle Fella
Spitroast Guy
Having A Wank Behind A Skip Bloke

No, as it turns out this is a pretty weak tribute/remake/rip-off of Pale Rider but set in modern times in a small town inhabited by bad actors.

It's alright, the sort of thing Channel 5 used to put on at 9pm each night, back before it was pretending to be a real TV station. Adam Faith's final words are as true now as they were then.


Friday, 3 August 2012

03/08/12 Kick The Cock (2008)

A Filmplop first. Porn. Sort of.
Tinto Brass short where he watches a maid put some shit in a fridge and whatnot, then goes outside to continue watching her whilst having a cigar and wanking a rubber cock. Seriously. That's it. However, I'm not gonna complain as the woman who plays the maid looks like this:


So, if you've ever wanted to have your view of a stunningly beautiful naked woman interupted by images of a 75yr old Italian tugging one off at some French windows with a pretend cock, this one will be a game changer!

I might make a fan edit that appears to be entirely about a woman in a kitchen with no appearances by geriatric continentals burping the worm in the back garden.

Anyway, once more:

Er... It probably comes in at an average of about 4/10


03/08/12 Phantoms (1998)

A desterted backwater town gets overrun by shape-shiftey, thought absorbing monster slime.

Actually, it's not too bad if you can excuse the above par Sci-Fi* channel effects and Ben Afflecks big, square facehead.**


*Or, as they call themselves now, SyFy. Wankers.

**Squareheaded wanker.

02/08/12 The Raid (2011)

Utterly bonkers.

Never fuck with the Indonesian plod! Especially if they're being directed by a Welshman.


01/08/12 Airborne (2012)

I spent the first ten minutes of this wondering why Warren Clarke had a yank accent. Then I realised it was Luke Skywalker. 'Kin 'ell! He's knockin' on a bit.

Anyway, it's a film about a plane full of dodgy passengers and an antique vase that's posessed by the spirit of an angry dead Chinese goblin. It's got Craig Conway in it, he's a flippin' ace actor who should be in everything. I HAVE SPOKEN!

Luke Skywalker.

Warren Clarke.

Alan Bricktop, looking happy, as ever.


01/08/12 Into Eternity: A Film for the Future (2010)

Generally don't include documentaries on here as this is meant to be a list of, er, is 'fiction' the word? Feature films or whatever.

Anyway, this one can be included as even though it's plump with juicy fact-yums about the safe storage and legacy of nuclear waste that we're leaving behind for the next 100,000 years, it's presented in a psuedo-story style, a message to the future people about how clueless we are. It could also be interpreted as something of an pre-emptive apology, as in: "Dear great, great, great, great, great, great grandchildren, sorry you've got twelve tits on each bicep, this is because we enjoyed central heating and flatscreen TVs. Cheers, The Past."

Double worrying is the fact that composite wisdom drawn from 70 years of Sci-Fi films suggests that future humans will be some form of sightless mole-people who might accidentally tunnel into the vast underground areas we're keeping this radioactive thrumming shit in.

Another reason why this merits inclusion here is the rather lovely, and very cinematic camera work. Top notch stuff. Even if the subject bores you, it's very visually compelling.