Sunday, 30 November 2014

30/11/14 The Lookalike (2014)

What an unlikely, contrived series of events.


29/11/14 Witchboard (1986)

Even by the standards of 1980s films, this one is very '80s.

We decided to do a remake of it, see if you can spot the difference between the original screen capture and our remake:


Our remake.

Yeah, so, the film's a load of fucking bibble about a woman who gets possessed after pissing about with a Ouija board. Can't even remember what I was gonna type here.


28/11/14 Asylum (2014)

Can't be arsed to explain the story behind this film, but it's funny enough to be worth watching.


Saturday, 29 November 2014

28/11/14 Shooting Bigfoot (2013)

A documentary that turns out to be mostly fictional wank. The guy behind the camera is an annoying, pissy bitch as well.

27/11/14 Convict (2014)

Another Australian film, something of a theme week for our viewing. This is a low budget film about a guy who gets sent down for a (justifiable) act of self-defence.

Normally a prison film with this level of financial backing would be a slaughter of cliches. Alright, this one does have the expected gangs, violence and dodgy shower moments, however it does also highlight the futility of doing time, the ugliness of the violence and even offers some well scripted, decently acted thoughts on ethnic identity in an age of multiculturalism and friendships forged in the pressure of an institution.


27/11/14 Hello Ladies (2014)

Earlier this year we watched the stand-up show that spawned a TV series in the states that got cancelled and finished with this film-length tie-up. Proof that Stephen Merchant is much, much funnier without that unfunny cunt Ricky Gervais sitting next to him.


26/11/14 The Mule (2014)

Australian film, essentially about a man who doesn't take a shit for two weeks. Much better than my laziness makes it sound.


26/11/14 Two Moon Junction (1988)

When I finished watching These Final Hours, I wanted something a bit more lightweight. This was available. It's mostly a film about tits and penises. Louise Fletcher and Sherilyn Fenn offer performances way above the material they're working from. If you wanna watch a film that's possibly based on the cover of a Mills & Boon book taken from a charity shop shelf, you could actually do much worse than this.

The book would probably be called 'Southern Passions' or 'Heat of the Darkness' or something. Probably not 'Oiled Fist' or 'Floppy Growler'. But they'd be more fun.


26/11/14 These Final Hours (2013)

Ever seen the film Threads?

Ever seen the film Threads and thought "Y'know what, it's alright but far too cheery for me"?

If so, watch this film about Australia's last day before a wall of fire, hundreds of feet high, rolls over the ocean and kills everything. Good effort, misery cobbers!


25/11/14 The Guest (2014)

A chap shows up at a house. He seems lovely, but he's secretly not. Oh no, not at all!


25/11/14 Twenty Bucks (1993)

A film about a twenty dollar note. As it passes from one person to the next, through transactions, crime and being lost, it tells the story of the person currently holding it. Pretty lightweight stuff, but worth watching for the Steve Buscemi/Christopher Lloyd section in the middle. Steve Buscemi is an odd looking fellow.

The script was originally written in 1935, then shelved for nearly sixty years. Just as well, I imagine twenty dollars back then would have bought you, like, half of Canada. Small acting role from Gladys Knight, minus her Pips.

"Lick me on the stump"


24/11/14 Predestination (2014)

Cracking little Sci-Fi flick that's worth a look. Based on a short story.

*Spoiler* The plot's basically about the fanciest magic wank in history.


24/11/14 Come Out And Play (2012)

A pair of young expectant parents are on holiday and decide to rent a boat to visit an idyllic fishing island a couple of miles of shore. When they get there, things are suspiciously quiet, the only people they see are children darting between buildings and peeking at them from the shadows.
Turns out the youth are all suffering from some form of collective possession (or something) and have become murderous little death-gremlins. Basically the children of Croydon.

This is a remake, I've never seen the original. People online seem to hate this. Me, I thought it was pretty good. And the internet's full of wankers. He says, typing this.


23/11/14 Lockout (2012)

Can't remember if I enjoyed this the first time, all of two years ago. Watching it the second time, I thought it was a bit penis. Aah well.


23/11/14 Late Phases (2014)

Aah, enthusiasm, wake from slumber.

Anyway, for the two or three people that occasionally read this , here's the latest stuff we've watched that I've been slow to put up here.

Late Phases is a about a blind, emotionally stiff former soldier who moves into a retirement bungalow. He's pensioner himself, not just a chap who enjoys dwelling among the elderly. Gerontophilia is apparently the word that describes those sort of people.

The first evening he's there, his neighbour gets eaten by a werewolf. I mean, fucking hell, that'd be a disappointment when you're fresh into your new pad: Lovely views, south facing garden, good local amenities, occasional werewolf problem.

The old guy might be old, blind and a poor father to his adult son, but he's tough as a tramp's cock and decides he ain't going out like no bitch, yo. So he makes a stand and fucks up some werewolf shit.

The old guy is played by Nick Damici who, in my humble, should be in loads more films as he's stuffing good at the acty business.


Saturday, 22 November 2014

22/11/14 Phantoms (1998)

Horror flick that feels like a TV film until the last forty minutes when it turns into an agreeable tribute to both The Thing and Prince of Darkness, without being as good as either of those two Carpenter masterpieces.


22/11/14 Morning Star (2014)

Nothing to do with socialist newspapers. Which is a shame.

Bad actors in plastic armour pretend to fight each other in Italy somewhere. Nice scenery though.

When will the Italians learn to stay away from cameras?


21/11/14 Dead Snow 2: Rad Vs Dead (2014)

Turns out the Norwegians are really funny. They probably have lots of time to think about jokes whilst riding snowmobiles to the jumper shop.


20/11/14 As Above, So Below (2014)

Some people go to the Paris Catacombs in search of a magic pebble, take a wrong turn, end up in hell. Still, that's France for you.

Very enjoyable horror nonsense.

However, what's much cooler, is this photo Podd took when she went to the Catacombs back in 2010. She wondered off on her own for a look round, unlike the big gaylords in this film:

Visit France, look at dead folk.


15/11/14 Snatch (2000)

Dave also hadn't seen this.

Starring Bradley O'Pitt. Anyway, as this is on TV approximately every two weeks and I normally seem to sit through it, have this instead:
Jellied Eels/10


15/11/14 The Evil Dead (1981)

Had a chum stay over, he's one of those chaps who has yet to see a surprising number of films that I assume everyone has, but then I remember that not everyone has wasted as much time as me sat in front of the idiot box watching such an arseload of films.

Anyway, you probably know this film (unless you're like my chum Dave, in which case possibly not), it's about some young people who go to a cabin, read a book out loud, interact vigorously with the local foliage and become mostly dead. And evil.

Still effective thirty years on, although the plasticine shit at the end is pretty weak even for the era and budget.

Oh, the remake a year or two ago, fucking awful.


15/11/14 Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (2011)

Awesome pixelchimps!


14/11/14 Zombieland (2009)

Podd watched this, I didn't as I've seen it before and thought it was poo. However, she says it's not as poo as I think it is.
6.5/10 (I think it's 4/10 as it's poo, but she liked it. The big wobbly mental)


14/11/14 Starry Eyes (2014)

Film about a struggling actress who does a deal with a suspiciously satanic/vampiric group of film producers in exchange for career success. Pretty good.


14/11/14 Hangar 10 (2014)

Low budget found footage effort where some people go off to do metal detecting and it all goes a bit Roswell.

Well, Rendlesham, which if you know your UFO legends, was the British version of Roswell. Although it took place on an American airforce base and all the witnesses were American. Moral of that story is the fucking yanks have to stick their arse in if there's spaceships involved.

The acting is decent and the the initial set-up works well, leading to some excellent budget-defying effects when things go U.F.Odd, sadly though, the end's a bumbled mess that deflates it all the good work.

Aah well, a fair effort.


Saturday, 15 November 2014

13/11/14 D.O.A. (1950)

I saw the 1988 remake of this in my mid-teens and really enjoyed the central idea of a poisoned man, with only hours to live, solving his own murder. I imagine the acty-stuff and hairstyles were all cabbage, but the idea's still a good one. Always wanted to see the original, and now I have.

Anyway, I also enjoyed the original, the plot is essentially the same, if the details are a little different. Some of the acting's blunt enough to cosh a penguin but it's good fun.

If films are anything to go by, living in the '40s and '50s would've sent me fucking bonkers due to the constant background orchestras.


Beer and fags, the preferred breakfast of 1950s young professionals.

'Challenge Butter'?
Rivals of 'Difficulty Margarine'? 

"I want tits"

Surprisingly, the word 'Hospital' wasn't invented until 1951, a year after this film was made.

"I'd like to order a surprised looking man, please"

"You're in luck, madam. Just had one delivered."

Ha! Look at the little midgey fella! Seriously, that's some shite casting for a goon. Looks like a 10yr old in a hat.


13/11/14 Savaged (2013)

A young, gentle, deaf woman inherits a lovely vintage car (late '60s Pontiac GTO, if anyone's as boring as me and such details are of interest) And decides to take the scenic route for the long drive to meet up with her boyfriend so they can move in together and have a happy life.

Unfortunately, she bumps into some redneck desert dwellers who take advantage of her kindly nature. They kidnap, violate and torture her.
With her cast into the desert at the point of death, a shamanic local uses his ability to connect this world and the next and the spirit of a vengeful indigenous chief leaps into her empty vessel. 'Together' they go and, well, mash the fuck out of the bad guys.

This sounds awful, and pretty much any description of the film's plot will make it sound like thunderous fucking arse, however, as far as supernatural revenge films go, it's an absolute belter. Very, very entertaining, exciting and fun. Much better than we expected.


12/11/14 Gutshot Straight (2014)

Probably the best film Steven Seagal's been in and also probably the film where he's had the least screen time. His hair is magical, like some kind of creeping floss.

The actual plot involves some cunt who plays cards who gets in over his head with some other bloke and a woman or something. I dunno, generic thriller shit. Wasn't bad though.


12/11/14 Mercy (2014)

Boy. Nan. Demons and whatnot. Not bad for a TV film style spooker.


11/11/14 Guardians Of The Galaxy (2014)

Two hours of pixels with occasional humans. I wish Marvel would fuck off.

Monday, 10 November 2014

09/11/14 House On Haunted Hill (1959)

Pretty laughable spooker, even by the standards of the day I would think. However it's still much, much better than the terrible remake forty or so years later. According to IMDB the decent profit this made was one of the inspirations for Hitchcock to make Psycho.

Ha! He has 'cock' in his name. Hitch Cock. Like he's tied it up or something.

Anyway, as you were.

Like the poster though.


Sunday, 9 November 2014

09/11/14 Superman (1978)

You've seen this, everyone has. So instead of banging on about how much better super hero films were back then, which they were, I will show you something that caught my eye while we watched it.

Lex Luther has got an ornamental copper arse:

There it is, just to the right of Ned Beatty. I wonder if it was a reference to his role in Deliverance?


08/11/2014 Jessabelle (2014)

A young woman loses her boyfriend, unborn child and use of her legs in one of those side impact car crashes with a lorry which seem to happen a lot in films. She goes home to her dad and her childhood home to recover and finds some videos of her late mum and some spooky things start to happen. Unoriginal and boring.



08/11/2014 Cheap Thrills (2013)

Enjoyable film about two down on their luck fellas who bump into each other in a bar after many years. They get talking to a rich couple who start setting increasingly outlandish bets. It all gets out of hand.