Friday, 30 November 2012

30/11/12 Yellow Rock (2012)

More like brown pebble.

It was alright in a clich├ęd kinda way.


29/11/12 The Stepfather (1987)

Terry O'Quinn's Locke was by far the best thing in Lost, well, maybe joint best with Kate's arse, but definitely the best acty bit.

Anyway, if you've ever wondered what he looked like when he had hair, you can watch this.

Considering this was a horror film released when the slasher flick was at its cultural and commercial peak, it's refreshingly well acted, paced and plotted. The only let down is the terribollocks amateur detective/brother of a previous victim.

Blimey, 25 years since I last saw this. Doesn't time fly when you watch too many films?


Wednesday, 28 November 2012

28/11/12 Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

Indy film that stays on the right side of the knowingly hip/smug fence. Although it was probably written on a Macbook in a coffee shop.

A magazine reporter and two minions travel to a small town where a guy has placed an ad in the local paper asking for time travel companions.

The lady minion (minionette?) forms a chumship with the guy who placed the ad and the film ambles along whilst asking if he's a new Doc Brown or just your traditional nutjob.

Well worth a watch.


27/11/12 The Selling Of Scarry Manor (2011)

Comedy that's actually funny! Mostly.


Tuesday, 27 November 2012

26/11/12 Backslasher (2012)

I was going to praise this as a noble effort by a bunch of people who had previously never held or stood in front of a camera before... Turns out most of 'em have done both a few times.

*Think of a compliment, man!*

Er, the women are quite attractive in that 'British' way.

(Actually British, not gormless cunts like Kiera Knightley or Kate Winslett. Pair of fucking pissmongs)

The film's terrible shit though, there's no escaping that truth.

No relation to Frontshitter.

Alright then, just don't tell anyone.


25/11/12 End Of Watch (2012)

We've watched The Shield, Southland and now this. Leaves me with one question: why the tits would anyone ever want to live in Los Angeles? It appears to be be 500 square miles of heavily armed lunatics.

The weather looks nice though.

Jake Church-hall and Michael Communitycentre  play two LAPD copperplods who drive around talking and occasionally stop to shoot someone.

It's rather good.


Sunday, 25 November 2012

25/11/12 Malibu Shark Attack (2009)

Some penis-nosed pixel-sharks enjoy the taste of bad actors.

Lightweight, undemanding powdered arse.


24/11/12 The Exterminator (1980)

Pocket money cover version of Taxi Driver starring the screen's most pudding-faced action hero.

Made in New York when it still looked like an exploded version of Croydon rather than the giant shiny box of wankers it is now.

Contains a cast so ugly you wonder if people's heads were a different shape back then.

Not good, but entertaining.

Carry On New York.

"The name's Egg, Reginald Botley Egg."

"Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak!"

Bloke in hat. LOL etc.


24/11/2012 Footsteps (A.K.A Vengeance Day) (2006)

Just terrible on all levels - lacks direction, decent plot, pace and acting.  Fans of Gareth Welshbloke's The Raid will be very disappointed, as were we in the Plop Cave.  The lead in this film never acted again. Just as well.



24/11/2012 Going Off Big Time (2000)

Above average Brit crime drama with some genuinely amusing dialogue. Neil Fitzmaurice looks noticeably younger to his Geoff in Peep Show days.  Bernard Hill is very good as old lag Murray.



23/11/2012 Public Enemies (2009)

Johnny Depp wears a hat then gets shot in the face.  It's well acted and directed but too long and fairly unengaging. And Christian Bale is annoying. Good soundtrack though.



Friday, 23 November 2012

22/11/2012 Shame (2011)

Selfish yet quiet Michael F. Assbender is a bit put out when his selfish yet whiney sister comes to stay as her presence makes it difficult for him to pursue his sex addiction (conveyed by him shagging willing women, wanking and looking at internet porn - a.k.a being a bloke). Meh, this is the most tedious film I have fast forwarded through for a while and I completely lost interest after Assbender stopped walking around with his man-wand out (not bad, by the way). Shame? Shame there's no plot more like!

Film: 2/10
Penis: 7.5/10
Carey Mulligan's nude scene: 2/10 (1 point per boob for effort but you needn't have bothered)


21/12/2012 Sinister (2012)

Ethan Hawke is a writer (default film character occupation B after photographer) who relocates his family from a super swanky mansion to another incredibly large house, however what it doesn't say on the estate agents' particulars and what he doesn't tell his family is it's a MURDER HOUSE, the previous occupants being the subject of Hawke's latest book.  He becomes increasingly paranoid in a Shining style as he delves into the history, aided by some super 8 film footage conveniently left by the murderer.

It starts well enough and is well acted but is let down by the ending even though it is slightly darker than the usual Hollywood fare.  Also, despite Hawke regularly causing several loud commotions in the middle of the night (usually falling out of the attic), his family never wakes up to ask what the fuck is he doing.



Monday, 19 November 2012

19/11/12 Red Dead Redemption: The Man from Blackwater (2010)

Dunno quite how thirty minutes of in-game cutscenes was 'Directed' by John Hilcoat, but I don't really care as I love Red Dead Redemption and think it's quite possibly the best game ever made. Anyone who disagrees can *Eric Cartman voice* suck my balls.

If you haven't played the game, consider this a decent 29 minute advert.
10/10 (for the game)

There it is, have a watch if you want.


18/11/12 The Amazing Transplant (1970)

The Ralph Wiggum of films.

Man with eyebrows is normal with women until he sees their earrings, then he rapes them. Brilliant explanation of this near the end. (Spoiler: It's 'cos he's had a cock transplant.)

Written and directed by Doris Wishman who also done Deadly Weapons. She would've been 58yrs old when this was made. Possibly the world's coolest nan. She was still directing films up until she died in 2002, aged 90.

As screamingly awful and great as you imagine.

Leo, I'm your dad.

Might be.

Icke was tired. He needed to spend time with Wisdom Horse.

Enlighten me, Wisdom Horse.


18/11/12 Twilight Zone: Rod Serling's Lost Classics (1994)

Made for TV. Two stories, second one's better.


18/11/12 Cave Of Forgotten Dreams (2010)

A German man goes into some French caves, looks at some old pictures then claims humanity is like an infant, albino crocodile.

Fascinating subject, but could've been a much better one hour special with Herzog's rambling nuttery toned down.


17/11/12 Termination Point (2007)

Right, that's the poster for this film. It was made for TV. Much funnier than it was intended to be.

16/11/12 The Sweeny (2012)

The TV show this 're-make' got its name from suffered from occasionally terrible acting and limited imagination on the part of the location scout, however it had a grimy realism to it that still hasn't been equalled on British copperplod TV.

This film might have well been set in space, such is its realism and relation to the TV show. Having said that, a film called 'Space Regan' could've been awesome. Especially with a CGI reanimated John Thaw telling Moon-crims to "Shut it!"

Most unlikely of all is the fact that we're asked to believe that the stunningly attractive, 30yr old Hayley Atwell is having a passionate affair with the 55yr old Ray Winstone, a man increasingly looking like an angry, bloated pink version of Morph.

Winstone's partner, thankfuckfully in just the working sense, is Carter played by baby faced Plan B.
By baby faced, I don't mean he looks young, I mean it looks like he has an actual babies head.
Also, he has the most hypocritical line of the film when he says "Speak English, motherfucker".

The film does look impressive for its budget.


Wednesday, 14 November 2012

14/11/12 Pusher (2012)

Pube-topped halfwit gives some drugs to some ducks then runs around London.


13/11/12 The Watch (2012)

Living somewhere in the rest of the world means having anti-American sentiment is almost compulsory.

I could be all grown up and say don't judge the many by the acts of the few, but I can't be bollocksed to be mature this evening. Besides, look at the balloon-faced cunt running this country at the moment, we're in no place to judge.

However, if I can give America two quick bits of advice, it's these:

1. You've got it round the wrong way. sex is good, guns are bad. Jesus would agree.

2. Stop making films like this.


11/11/12 Halloween 4 (1988)

Apparently insane asylums have low security and driving lessons.

It's common knowledge that Michael Myers mask is a William Shatner mask that was whitened:

Hardly threatening, is it.

Bloody hell! I just shit off my balls in terror!


Sunday, 11 November 2012

10/11/2012 When The Lights Went Out (2012)

A based on true events film about a poltergeist haunting a Yorkshire family in 1974 (a great year!).  It's good (although not particularly scary) with solid performances but the ending's a bit rubbish.  Interesting to see the horrendous 70's fashions and decorations too.

There was an interesting article in Fortean Times about the original haunting earlier this year but I can't find it on their website. Found this Guardian film review instead which gives some background (and has the usual selection of pompous know-alls arguing in the comments section).



10/11/2012 Werewolf: The Beast Among Us (2012)

This starts off well enough (despite, distractingly, every cast member having a unique accent) but the "twist" is weak, but in the film's favour the werewolves are bipeds in a Dog Soldiers/Howling style.  Effects are CG, and I have to make the point that over 30 years later no film has even come close to matching, let alone bettering, the transformation scene in American Werewolf In London.



10/11/2012 The Recruit (2003)

CIA wannabe hot shot is picked out by trainer Al Pacino for a special mission.  Is all as it seems? 'Course not. Double cross follows double cross as Pacino's unlikely real motives are revealed.  Well acted but tries to be a bit too clever for its own good with the twists and turns which are confusing more than plausible.



10/11/2012 The Rum Diary (2011)

Shambling and fairly plot-free this is still enjoyable with some good quotes ("Bring forth the fowl!"), mostly due to Giovanni Ribisi's character.



09/11/2012 Dead Man's Shoes (2004)

One of the finest British films of the 2000's and a favourite at the Plop Cave.  Tight writing and great performances, particularly from Considine and Kebble, mean revenge films (indeed all films) do not get better than this.



Friday, 9 November 2012

09/11/12 The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007)

Some plod find a house where a serial killer's left behind a bumload of video tapes of him mudering assorted actors. Everyone has a nice cup of tea, watches the tapes and then it ends. Bing! All done.


08/11/12 Citadel (2012)

The three most horrifying, bowel-icing words in the English language?

Terminal bum plague?

Ben Stiller film?

Fritzl basement party?

Four minute warning?

It is, of course:

Scottish council estate.

This utterly cheerless film is set on one and is sadly not anything to do with the mid-80s computer game Citadel I enjoyed as a young 'un. You're meant to have sympathy with the main guy because his wife's all monged-up in a coma and he's got a baby that some teenagers appear to wanna snatch and a priest was rude to him and stuff. We just wanted to give him a good slap.

I think there's some message about conquering your inner demons or some shit in the film, but it might equally have been something about pottery, such was my disinterest by the end.

Might have been an Irish council estate. Dunno.

Poster for the film.

Sadly not the film.


Sunday, 4 November 2012

04/11/2012 Coma (2012)

Mini series remake of a 1970s film so it counts as a film. Starts off reasonably promisingly but goes down hill and the constant background/"tension" music soon becomes distracting and annoying.  The end is predictable and lots of plot events are infeasible (for example, storing the anaesthetic tanks several floors away from the operating theatre linked by miles of pipe). Meh.



03/11/12 Skyfall (2012)

James Bond still drives the same Aston Martin DB5 that he did fifty years ago, which means that all the films are set in the same world. That makes him about 90yrs old. Daniel Craig looks a good twenty years too young to pull it off.

No wonder this film goes to great lengths to point out that Bond's getting on a bit.

Xavier Bardem plays plays the baddie, Evilmonto Von Shirtlift. He has terrible hair, an uncertain accent and a face that looks like recently set insulation foam. He also enjoys using Peter Griffin's thinking grenades.

Far too long at 2hrs20mins, but some of the action scenes were excellent and it's the first bond film I've enjoyed in a long time. Also the first one I've seen in a cinema for 29 years.