Friday, 30 September 2016

29/09/16 The Sighting (2016)

A chap and two friends get attacked by some yetis.

Although the local copperplods think that it was the survivor of the attack who killed the other two and made up the story about the yetis.


--/09/16 Redistributors (2016)

A young lady has a job and some baddies are after her because of a video of something so she hides with her brother in his den of poshly spoken hackers.

Think so anyway, I wasn't taking much notice.

Dunno, so few films are worth the effort these days. And I get distracted by the cats. Then we start having a conversation about, like, history's widest people or something.



--/09/16 Satanic (2016)

This film's forgetableness is its own fault rather than mine although for horror fans who can tolerate shitting terrible acting, it does have some decent practical effects when people start getting murderkilled.


--/09/16 The Unspoken (2015)

You know how people who were witnesses to significant historical events 'break their silence for the first time about that day' forty years on, or some such stuff?

Well, it's all bollocks, don't believe a word they say. I watched this film last week and had to look it up on two websites before I remembered what happened in it, and my memory's still a bit patchy.

I suppose you could say that when 8yr old Billy Applefarm saw JFK get shot in Texas it might've created more of a mental impression than a man in his forties indifferently watching a generic horror film, but shut-up and who cares.


--/09/16 The Quatermass Xperiment (1955)

A man picks up a bug whilst he's on the moon or something then after he gets back to Earth he slowly starts turning into a space tree or whatnot.


--/09/16 The Purge: Election Year (2016)

The original Purge was a good idea for a film. If it was made thirty-five years ago by John Carpenter in his prime, it would've been fantastic. Think of Escape From New York and you'll probably see why I suggest Carpenter would have fit so well.

Sadly, as it was made in modern times, the initially thrilling concept of a single day of the year when all acts are decriminalised, was run through the idiot filters and the three purge films have shit into the cinemas to the delight of cretins.

That said, I've watched all three and this one was probably the most entertaining.


Wednesday, 21 September 2016

20/09/16 The Curse Of Robert The Doll (2016)

I've waffled on about the films of Andrew Jones on here before. The lack of budget and hurried production splits through the seams of everything he's done so far, however, I like his stuff. It has a cheery spirit, make-do attitude and sense of fun that films with 1000 times the budget could learn a lot from.

I mean it's total bumwash, but, well, isn't everything?

This is (I think) the third film that the Robert The Doll, er, 'character' has featured in. Robert is like an evil ventriloquists assistant. Think of Keith Harris being directed by William Friedkin:

Half way through something started to trouble me about this and every other possessed toy film I've seen, so I took to Twitter and asked the chap responsible, rather pleasingly, he replied:

Well, Mr Jones, if you read this, ensure that there's a wood chipper churning away beneath the window. Y'know, just to make sure.

Anyway, if you've seen any of young Jones' other films, you'll probably know what to expect. Special mention for both Clare Gollop's amusing dialogue delivery and (the extremely attractive) Tiffany Ceri's credible performance. 

In a film about a murderous doll. So, like, don't go in expecting some shit with Ralph Fiennes poncing on about Shakespeare and all that.


19/06/16 Bastille Day (2016)

Idris Elba is well cast as a big angry fellow who's good at hitting people. At one point he asks someone:

"If you're innocent, why did you run?"

"Because YOU were chasing me... Have you seen yourself?"

Shame about the rest of the film. Some ropey acting, dodgy script and the plot is almost embarassingly daft.

Also, there's lots of French cars in this film and not a single one of 'em breaks down. Suspension of disbelief will only take me so far.


19/09/16 House Of Frankenstein (1944)

Silly old nonsense, really.


19/09/16 Cat People (1942)

I wanted to see this when it came out but I was busy at the time not existing for another few decades.

Some young lady meets a fellow at the zoo. From what I can tell, about ten minutes after this first chance meeting, they get married.
However, like all marriages, there's problems. The main one being that the woman is worried she will turn into a panther and kill the husband if he tries to give her one. Something about her people from the old country being cursed to turn into big cats and kill people when they're sexually aroused.
Leaving aside the question of how it would be tricky to pass the curse down to the next generation, it would be something of a barrier to marital relations.

Anyway, the husband, quite fairly, suspects the Mrs might be a bit wonky in the head and thinks 'Fuck this nutbag, I'm gonna shack up with the nice lady from work.'

Although it turns out she's half pigeon.

Not really.

For most of it's running time this is a very tame horror film, even by the standards of the '40s, however the two 'stalking' scenes near the end of the film are very effective, reminded me of the underground scene in An American Werewolf in London which is one of the best scenes in any horror film ever, and 74 years ago people probably shit themselves during those bits.

"Gerald! It's frightful! I can't bear to watch!"

"You're telling me, Miriam! I've just Adolf Shitler'd meself. Be a dear and pass my embarassment pipe."

"May I have a water?"

"Water? Fuck off, love. This is 1942, it's vodka."

Everyone in this photo is dead.

Have a good Wednesday.

Look at my chips!

Careful, you'll have someone's eye out. Etc.

The war years were very austere. This was from the most popular
pornographic magazine of the era, 'Reader's Chores'.

"Phat blunt, yo."

"Innit, blud."

"Aye. nine inches on the flop apparently. Mind you, I wouldn't believe a word that Amos says."


--/09/16 ARQ (2016)

Did you enjoy Groundhog Day?

Would you like to see it remade, but set in one large flat in a dystopian future and involving many more murders?



--/09/16 Bite (2015)

Woman goes on holiday and gets bitten by a strange insect. Starts turning into a massive insect herself and does loads of eggs all over her flat and other insect things.

Malaria, The Black Death, Seth Brundle... fucking insects have got it in for us, I reckon.


--/09/16 The Neighbor (2016)

Marcus Dunstan who made the two Collector films obviously liked working with the actor Josh Stewart as he plays the lead in this as well.
He also must've enjoyed making the first Collector film as this one is pretty much the same.

Still, the first Collector was actually better than we was expecting and so was this.

Should learn how to spell neighbour though.


--/09/16 The Last Dinosaur (1977)

The film Jurassic Park wanted to be.



--/09/16 Transpecos (2016)

I wish Clifton Collins Jnr. had stuck with his original stage name of Clifton Gonzales Gonzales. A man so Gonzales he had to be double Gonzales'd.


--/09/16 Walking Dead In The Wild West (2016)

A zombie western film which isn't anywhere as much fun for the viewer as it probably was for the people making it.


Tuesday, 20 September 2016

--/09/16 Young Ones (2014)

This film really, really tries to be more important, more of an 'event' than it is. The idea is good, a sorta future western where the scarcity of water has turned much of the world into a near-lawless desert where people try and farm the small remaining patches of fertile land and protect them from outlaws or profiteering banks and whatnot.
Much of the technology from before the fall remains, cars, robot mules, televison and suchlike, but they're all dusty and fading reminders of when the world was a greener place, with little or no contemporary production occurring. A bit like visiting Hastings.

That sense of dry, rusty, industrial/civil decline is done well, not overstated, believable. However, the plot is obvious, the acting very, very 'actorly' and the sense of smug psuedo-profundity is a fucking arseache. The end of the film is almost weeping at its own brilliance and trying to insist that we have just witnessed something very important.

Rather than a average film about very dry people living somewhere that looks like the Jawa planet in Star Wars.


--/09/16 Fixing The Shadow (1994)

Charlie Sheen plays a copperplod who goes undercover and infiltrates a biker gang. Funnier than that sounds, but not in any way the makers intended.


--/09/16 I Am Hooligan (2016)

Here's a venn diagram for anyone making a film about working class criminals in Britain:

That took me about ten minutes to make at work yesterday, about the same amount of time it took to write the script for this film. Definitely the worst I've found the stamina to endure lately.

I don't like slating a film that was so obviously made for peanuts, so if you're in the mood to watch something that feeds into the Murdochian demonisation of the poor whilst claiming to be a voice in their corner, then this will fill the time.


--/09/16 Popstar: Never Stop Stopping (2016)

Mostly unfunny shit. One amusing song about Bin Laden.


--/09/16 I'm Not A Serial Killer (2016)

Odd kid suspects there's a monster in his small town killing people. Thought it'd be shit, actually quite liked it.


--/09/16 Level Up (2016)

This looked like it was going to be fun at the start, but it dragged on, seemed pointless and had a disappointing ending.

A bit like most things people claim are really brilliant but are actually a bit rubbish; sex, bank robberies, having children, all jobs and whatnot.


--/09/16 Ghost Team (2016)

Another American comedy that mistakes characters who are slightly quirky or dysfunctional for things that are actually funny. They're not, the film isn't.


--/09/16 The Gift (2015)

In between the nine other films he appeared in that week, Joel Edgerton wrote and directed this film about two former school classmates meeting by chance and a strange sorta friendship developing between them. It turns out there's a little history that one of 'em remembers a little better than the other.

Not bad.


--/09/16 Jason Bourne (2016)

There's so many things that made this film dissappointing, but to summarise:

*Exploding dad*

"I've remembered some more stuff! This means I must now visit fourteen countries, shoot some goons, do a car chase and slap a French gentleman with a kettle."


Immeasurably pointless, weakly plotted and a huge let-down.


--/09/16 Janis: Little Girl Blue (2016)

Square peg/round hole, music, heroin, died.

A one-off voice that was both awful and brilliant at the same time.

Prob still on the Iplayer if any Brits wanna watch it.