Wednesday, 31 August 2016

--/08/16 Outlaws And Angels (2016)

Unpleasant, overlong, miserableak western that could have told its story better and in half the time.


--/08/16 Amy

I didn't watch this, Podd did. She's visiting her dad, so I'll text her to see what score she thinks it deserves.

Nope, too late, she's asleep.

Documentary about the beehived warbler who twatted her life away on dizzypop and blisspipes.

--/08/16 Black Fly (2014)

Another one of those films set in rural America where everything is bleak, violent, drunk or being shot. Often at the same time.

Still, it was a pretty good one. Moreso given it's small budget and whatnot.


--/08/16 Criminal (2016)

Ryan Reynolds' secret agent gets killed so Gary Oldman decides to email his memories into Kevin Costner's brain. But then, like a cunning leopard, Costner escapes into London and starts punching van drivers.

Pretty sure this turned up on Mark Kermode's list of worst films released so far this year, or possibly some other professional film watcher. Yeah, it's total ballsack, but enjoyable enough, and we've seen much worse.

And although I frequently find myself agreeing with Kermode, occasionally he can fuck off and take his pompous fucking sandwiches with him.


--/08/16 The Conjuring 2 (2016)

Amazingly it managed to be more shit than the first conjuring. Which was very shit.

Horror film for people who don't want to watch a horror film.


--/08/16 The Amazing Spiderman (2012)

Andy Murray sticks to walls and has a fight with a Welsh lizard.


--/08/16 Bad Day At Black Rock (1955)

I'd never seen this before. One of those films that everyone's heard of though.

Well, most people. There's probably isolated tribes with no modern world contact who'd say "'The fuck you talking about?" when you asked if they'd see that film where the one armed guy beats up the bloke from Airwolf in the greasy spoon.

Although the language barrier would be a nightmare. Could you imagine that though, if the career of Ernest Borgnine was the bridge between modernity and the hidden ways of the ancients?

Anyway, yeah, it's pretty good. A bit stiff in that way that '50s films were, but I liked it.

The Unifier. As Predicted in the scrolls.


--/08/16 Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

Fucking hell, hard to believe that this terrible shit was a massive film at the time. It's almost Italian in it's rubbishness. But without the camp fun of the Italian post-apocalypse flicks.

In this particular vision of the end times from thirty years ago, hairspray is still being made, no one can act and some prick seems to be playing a saxophone most of the time.


--/08/16 Last Girl Standing (2015)

The film opens where most slasher flicks close, as the final victim of a masked loony's campsite killing spree fights back and defeats him.
Some time later, the survivor is getting her life back together with a job, a flat and slowly making some new friends. Which is useful as the last time she saw her previous friends they were all, like, nailed to trees an' shit.

Anyway, the young lady begins to suspect that the killer has somehow found her and is after her to finish the job.

Not too bad for a film of its type, and being 'post event' gives it a little originality, however the twist becomes increasingly obvious as it goes on to the point where I was thinking "Nope, too obvious, surely it won't be that?"

But it was.


--/08/16 Tank 432 (2015)

Some soldiers are trying to extract some hooded prisoners from some perilous hostile nation. Not sure where this rogue state is, but it looks loads like an industrial estate in the midlands. Stoke-On-Trentbania or somewhere.

Anyway, they're being chased by some bullet proof creature of some kind, so they decide to take shelter in an abandoned armoured vehicle.

Dunno, it's probably alright, but I was really bored by the end.


--/08/16 Blood Father (2016)

Mel Gibson plays a man who lives in a caravan. He has a beard and a daughter he hasn't seen for a few years.

Turns out she's being chased by some unpleasant fellows from a drugs cartel. Mel Gibson kills them all.


Friday, 26 August 2016

25/08/16 The Darkness (2016)

Whilst on a family holiday out in the desert, a young boy finds some magic ghost pebbles which he takes home.

The haunted rocks start possessing the house and have a thing for turning on taps and scaring grandmas.

Good looking but very generic spooker. With some paranormal stones.


--/08/16 Urge (2016)

Some hateful little cunts go off to one of their island homes to have a party and take a new drug that is suposedly a great high and makes you lose all self control. Things go bollock shaped and people want to kill each other/bathe in cake/do shit paintings and all other such decadent extremes.

Bit of a wasted plot really. Open a newspaper, arseholes on nothing stronger than E-numbers do whatever the fuck they want in this world anyway, pretty sure they don't need any further stimulation.

Anyway, Pierce Brosnan must have some bills to pay or something.


--/08/16 Seclusion (2015)

Film about some dislikable people who start getting murdered in a pretty standard whodunnit/slasher. Just the sorta film to put on in the background so you can ignore it and do something else.


--/08/16 Money Monster (2016)

Going shockingly against type, George Clooney plays a smug man in a suit.

Jack O'Conell's great talent feels a little wasted in this mediocre, but fun enough, effort and any message about the immorality of global finance and shady investment deals is lost in the pantomime portrayal of the big bad guy.


--/08/16 The Thing (1982)

Thirty four years old and still not beaten.


--/08/16 Imperium (2016)

Someone decided it'd be a good idea to cast the 5ft5", baby faced Daniel Radcliffe as an FBI agent who goes undercover and infiltrates a white supremacist skinhead group.

In fairness, he does a very good job in the role. The acting role that is, he doesn't win, like, 'Whitey of the Year' or 'The TV Times People's Aryan 2015' or some such.

Anyway, once in the world of hate-mullets and pick-up trucks, he makes his way around various circles of fuckwittery in search of some dirty bomb materials that have gone missing and believed to be in the possession of some Trump voters and their sisterwives.

Worth a go.


--/08/16 Observance (2015)

An Austrailian private investigator (Bruce. Probably.) gets hired to spy on a woman. Starts off interestingly, but the attempt to gently ease in the sense of 'other', the suggestion that factors outside the natural world are at play, doesn't quite work. It has some similarities to Kill List in its pace, content and vibe, but doesn't nail it in the way that film does.
Shame as according to the Guardian's review of it, they claim it only cost $11000, so it certainly does well for its money, but feels a little like noble-ish failure.


--/08/16 Elvis & Nixon (2016)

Elvis once met Nixon because he wanted to get a badge that would enable him to be 'federal agent at large, protecting people from the evils of drugs'.

Elvis, well known for his abstemious attitude towards drugs, or indeed any form of indulgence. Brings to mind other charitably inclined public figures who have associated themselves with causes close to their hearts...

Anyway, the film is speculation and a little pointless, but it's enjoyable and Kevin Spacey nails Nixon.

As in his performance, I wouldn't suggest that Mr Spacey enjoys... Well, never mind.


--/08/16 Mississippi Grind (2015)

A habitual gambler is caught in the spiral of debt and desperation that heavy betters always seem to be in filmworld. One night he meets Ryan Reynolds character whose presence seems to have a positive effect on Ol' Gambly's luck.
We spent most of the film thinking that Reynolds' was some kinda imaginary, Tyler Durden, wish fulfillment persona, but he's not, he's an actual fleshperson.
They take a trip together through the gambling states and end up taking their increasing luck all the way to the big stakes tables...

Flippin' lightweights, only last week Podd and I went to Brighton and we spent about £20 on the 2P coin shoves and ended up winning two keyring robots and a Pokemon fella.

Yeah, beat that Hollywood. We've stared into the abyss of gambling.

Then some more two pence coins fell out of the abyss into the metal tray bit.

Then some small toy robots.



--/08/16 Black Mountain Side (2014)

Nice slow burning, low budget horror that's like a cross between The Thing and  (the little seen, but pretty good) Wendigo. Relies more on decent acting and a believable script than all the usual twaddle.



--/07/16 Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970)

Silly but enjoyable nonsense about some science people who invent a wooden computer to look after America's nuclear arsenal.

Ha, arse.

Made mostly of wood and pipes, the machine quickly decides that mankind's biggest threat is mankind, so keep them all safe by threatening to kill everyone on the planet. Apparently the machine has to be obeyed as there's no way of turning it off. Some advice for high ranking civil defence folks:

Problem solved.


--/08/16 Viral (2016)

A dad and his two teenage daughters move to an isolated small town. Their timing's a bit rubbish as soon after they arrive a viral zombie type bug turns most of the local people into unsociable, bitey-folk. I do hate it when that happens.

Just thought of an app. Rather than pay for some theme-day where you run around a disused industrial estate avoiding actors dressed as zombies and using paintball guns to make your way between safe points, why not have an app that when held up to view a high street at chucking out time on a Friday, super-imposes flames on the buildings, turns kebabs into brains and shit like that?
Almost everyone you see on the streets will already be stumbling around, agressive and even likely to bite you. Play it in Croydon you'll probably also get overturned cars and people with shotguns for added authenticity.

Probably call it Alcombies or Zombaholics or suchlike.


Thursday, 11 August 2016

--/08/16 The Mind's Eye (2015)

Fantastic, fun, low budget, daft horror film made for peanuts. Just the sorta thing we here at Plop Towers love watching.

Written and directed by Joe Begos who also done the cracking Almost Human:

If you ask me, the horror genre, and films in general, need chaps like young Begos. People who won't let the lack of budget get in the way of telling a story, and doing so well.

Same goes for anyone who reads this, if you want the world to hear your voice, do it now. Don't wait for external endorsement, sponsorship or someone to hold your hand, it won't happen. You'll probably fail, but what do you wan't to say when your ticket's punched? You tried your best, or you thought about it a lot?

Good luck.


--/08/16 The Nice Guys (2016)

John Goodman (apparently) and a squeaky child with a moustache solve a crime. Shane black proves once again that he knows how to do fantastically fun films.


--/08/16 The Dark Knight (2008)

That film that made lots of grown ups think that Batman was something they should talk about with a straight face. Daft cunts.

Also, Christian Bale, if you ever read this, my ambition is to stand in your line of sight whilst you're doing all your big-boy acty nonsense. You utter fucking spastic. Pathetic spoilt child of a man.

Bale, you're a fuckin' flopper.


--/08/16 Jonah Hex (2010)

I was half watching this, but I was also getting slowly roasted on decent whisky, so my judgement may be a little out but I thought it was entertaining enough if you go in without any expectations.

Or hopes that it'll be anything other than background nonsense.


--/08/16 The Driver (1978)

When this was released critics described it as slow moving and pretentious. They had obviously never seen any other film made in the 1970s.

It's not slow moving and it's not pretentious. If anything, it's the opposite, the plot is small, easily understood and linear. The performances are good. The plot moves briskly and has few shallow moments.

And, if nothing else, the lightly customised Chevrolet stepside truck that Ryan O'Neill drives in the final third gave me the raging horn.

Well, a decent semi at least.



--/08/16 Summer Camp (2015)

Some annoying yet cinegenic Americans come to Europe and some crazy animal rage virus spoils their holiday.

Not bad.


--/07/16 Bachelor Games (2016)

Some wankers go on a stag do in Argentina and it all goes a bit bollock-shaped when a vengeful desert loony/supernatural entity starts getting killy.

None of the characters are likeable and it takes to long to get going. Meh.


--/07/16 Daylight's End (2016)

I wish zombie films would fuck off now.


--/07/16/ River (2015)

A young doctor on holiday intervenes in the sexual assault of a young woman by giving the chap responsible a hearty thrashing. Jolly good.

Unfortunately the next day it turns out he might have beaten the fellow to death. Not wanting to spend the rest of his life in prison he decides to leg it.

You've probably seen numerous films where the plot sounds very similar to that, unlike most of them this one is set in a recognisable world where people who find themselves out of their depth are confused and struggling against the panic that threatens to render them useless. There's no heroics, grand speeches, explosions or car chases so common to other 'on the run' films. This one is just about a normal guy who's act of decency has backfired in a terrible way and left him in a fucked situation with minimal exits.

Also, Rossif Sutherland, who plays the doctor is 6ft 5" tall. We decided that really tall people look funny when they're running.


--/07/16 One Missed Call (2008)

Fuck me, I wish this dogshit was one missed film instead.


--/07/16 Keanu (2016)

Two men rescue a dog from bad guys in a comedy that forgot to put in the jokes.


--/07/16 Latest Fucking X-Men Film (2015)

A guy wakes up all grumpy after a big nap and decides to kill the world after watching the TV and realising the entire planet has turned into some kinda Centre Parcs for cunts. Know how he feels.

Micky F. Assbender does his serious face and the little Scottish one inherits his slap-top. Oscar Isaac acts like a big blue twat. Quicksilver's rescue scene is a stand out moment, hugely entertaining in a film that's otherwise 2.5 hours of arseache. The Wolverine cameo is a big stack of bumholes.

Enough of that shit, let's have some music instead. Listen to this. The greatest band you've probably never heard of. If you disagree, fuck off.


--/07/16 Night Of The Living Deb (2015)

Blah blah blah, zombie comedy that isn't as funny as the game performances and zippy pace suggest. Alright I 'spose.

Just Seen that Maria Thayer, the woman who plays the Deb of the title is nearly the same age as me. She's certainly doing something right. Looks 15 years younger than she is, if not more. 

Then again, she probably doesn't consider Monster Munch and whisky for dinner and five hours sleep a night as part of her routine


--/07/16 Gravity (2013)

Space Bullock.


--/07/16 The Paranormals (2014)

Mini-budget comedy about some manchild losers who try an establish themselves as professional ghost hunters.

It's harmless silliness and actually better made than many films that cost millions more.


--/07/16 Middle Of Nowhere (2008)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. She says it was "OK, quite good natured and not much happens."

Stay tuned for more in-depth reviews.


--/07/16 Army Of Darkness (1992)

The Evil Dead films are a fine example of (for want of a less wanky phrase) artistic dilution. The first one had a budget the size of a peanut, was made when people were available to get away from their real lives for a night or two and used inginueity and creativity to make a genuine classic of a horror film. One that's fun, well paced, original and actually scary.

The second one was essentially a remake of the first, but with slapstick comedy and clownish performances replacing the edge of the first one. "Here's some money, soften down all the things that made the original good so we can sell it to more people. We're aiming for the 18-49 Fuckwit Demographic."

By time this third film was made, the series had become some sorta cartoon for cretins.

Utterly awful.

What a total shitpig.


--/07/16 Band Of Robbers (2015)

A low budget film based on the Huckleberry Finn stories that gets very close to hipster indie wankism but manages to stay on the right side by actually being quite funny and entertaining.


--07/16 The Resident (2011)

Woman rents a flat. Her landlord's a right wrong 'un. Breaking in to her place while she's out to burp the worm in her bath and stuff.


--/07/16 The Killing Of Jacob Marr (2010)

Some evil space-egg makes some kid kill his family, then, twenty years later, some other people.

Again, can't actually remember too much about it. Don't matter though as I doubt many of you will want to watch the shit we sit through. I should go outdoors more often. Look at the trees and the sky rather than the idiot box. Plenty of time to watch films when I'm too old to move, rather than being too lazy to bother.
Somewhere between 1-10/10


--/07/16 Marauders (2016)

Some bank robbers keep robbing banks belonging to Bruce Willis although he might be organising it himself or some such. Not sure, can't remember.

As with almost everything he's been in, Christopher Meloni is far better than the film surrounding him.


--/07/16 Cardinal Matter (2016)

A chap returns home after going AWOL from the army and, in need of money, agrees to work for his cousin's small-time criminal team.

Recently they stole some vials of some kinda magic science potion that essentially turns people into a fleshy Terminator. Wounds instantly heal and that sorta stuff. Anyway, the shady boffins who invented this unlikely potion have decided they want it back and they should murderkill all the thieves.

A bit like that shit Bourne film, the one with the rumpled-face fella who isn't Matt Damon, but in many ways better as that film was bumwash compared to the other three. Haven't seen the new Bourne film yet, but I really hope it isn't shite.