Tuesday, 31 December 2013

31/12/13 The Turn Of The Screw (2009)

Musty spook-flick.

As Adam Curtis and a few others have pointed out, before the 1970s, ghosts almost exclusively belonged to the upper classes. Read this, it's good:


Anyway, as this is an old ghost story, it takes place in a big posh house full of posh people and posh ghosts. They're all very boring.


31/12/13 Vendetta (2013)

Some unlikely hoodies set fire to Danny Dyer's parents. Powered by jellied eels he sets out to get revenge.

He does.

Not as terrible as almost everything else he's been in, but still 20 minutes too long.


Fackin' Perkin.

30/12/13 The Thirteenth Tale (2013)

TV movie so we're gonna include it.

Old ginger woman talks about when she was a child.

Good acting, crap twist.


No picture, so here's a selection random ones from the inteywebs:



Monday, 30 December 2013

30/12/13 Rolling Thunder (1977)

Man becomes quietly grumpy after some bad fellows steal his coin collection.

And kill his wife and child.


Actual children were illegal in 1977. Film-makers had to use mini adults, like this one.

"The DWP and ATOS said that I'm good to start on Monday."
"Actually, yes."

Timothy Runningface. Great actor, sadly typecast.

"Owww! I've only gone and snapped me arse!"


29/12/13 Manhunter (1986)

You've seen this film, haven't you my man!

(Although if you haven't, you really should.)



29/12/13 Carry On Again Doctor (1969)

Basically this:

( . )( . ) out of 10

28/12/13 This Is It (2009)

Well, it certainly was for him.

Pan-racial, waxwork children's entertainer dances about on stage.

Podd said it was "embarassingly entertaining". I trust her.



28/12/13 Carry On Cowboy (1966)

In-depth academic heavyweight documentary about tits.



27/12/13 Man Of Steel (2013)

...And then we watched (the latest) remake.

The original was fun, Reeve's portrayal of Superman worked, I think, mostly because of the difference between when he was Clark Kent and when he had the cape on. As Superman he was powerful, fair and kindly, as Kent, he was a bumbling, inept, clumsy arsewit with no coordination and faded into the wallpaper of any room, putting on the glasses really did change who was on screen.

Henry Cavill's Superman is a sour-faced, angsty aftershave model. The only moment in the film where he displays anything resembling a personality is during the far too brief military interview scene. His performance isn't actually bad at all, he's just mirroring the dull, humourless tone of the film.

Anyway, he grows up on a farm, gets bullied. His dad manages to fly before he does. Michael Shannon turns up bringing his usual sense of wacky, knockabout fun. He turns into Space Jesus. Has a 158 hour fight with relentless fucking computer effects, then gets a job at the end.



27/12/13 Superman (1978)

First we watched the original...



Friday, 27 December 2013

27/12/2013 Snow Beast (2011)

Bo from Dukes of Hazzard is head of some science research bods who find the place they've come to investigate is home to a yeti type creature. On discovering a colleague (who he also fancied) had been killed he shows the same level of emotion as you might if somebody forgot to put sugar in your tea.




26/12/2013 Suddenly (2013)

Uwe Boll has started to make pretty decent films. Not as good as Assault On Wall Street but entertaining enough. Dominic Purcell and his giant neck head up (or should that be neck up) a team of fake Secret Service men intent on killing the president.




26/12/2013 Carry On Camping (1969) 69 - yak! yak! yak!

A seminal moment in British cinema.




26/12/2013 Carry On Cleo (1964)

Good to see ITV3 keeping up their tradition of showing Carry On films over the Christmas period. Surely no real review required due to everybody having seem them several times. Just awesome.




Thursday, 26 December 2013

25/12/13 Trollhunter (2010)

Humourless Norwegians hunt some trolls. Good fun in an un-smiley Blair Witch kinda way.

7/10 Possibly more, possibly less. Dunno. It's Christmas, been busy.


25/12/13 Carry On Up The Jungle (1970)

The one where Terry drops June and swings through the Pinewood jungle. A snake crawls into a woman's ladypocket.



25/12/13 Motel Hell (1980)

Vintage wank, loved by fuckwits, where an old man wears a pig on his head.


When their eyes met, they didn't speak. They didn't have to. 


First time in Croydon?


I'm tired, add your own jokes/comments.

25/12/13 Carry On Loving (1970)

The one where women have tits and men are awkward.



25/12/13 Carry On Matron (1972)

The marathon begins. Bless you, British Christmas television.

The one where the 6ft 7" Bernard Bresslaw pretends to be a pregnant woman.

10/10 Because I said so.


24/12/13 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Righto, for some reason, this film is considered a, if not the definitive horror film by lots of idiots.

About 25 years ago a local convenience shop got a copy of this film that, somehow, had been awarded the BBFC 'E' rating. 'E' standing for Exempt, a classification normally awarded to educational films and academic stuffs.
Occasionally wily distributors would submit graphic feature films (presumably under the pretence that they were of significant cultural/educational worth) in the hope of being awarded the 'E' certificate, therefore avoiding the draconian restrictions in place during the BBFC's most maidenly period.

Some further reading here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E_certificate

And also here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_nasty

Anyway, socio-history bollocks aside, my brother picked up the 'E' copy and bought it home for us to watch. Now, at the time, this film's legend preceded it. If third-hand accounts were to be believed, it was the most terrifying film you could watch, just like The Exorcist and Evil Dead, both of which are far more deserving of such infamy. Both of which were also banned in the UK at the time.

So, sitting down to watch this mythic example of celluloid terror, we was expecting something pretty fucking special. Nope. Instead it was some terribly acted fucking Z-movie shit about a van full of teens who drive off into the sticks and eventually get bloodlessly killed by an unconvincing, fat spacker in a skin-mask with a power-tool and his family of equally un-scary cohorts.

The frequently offered defence is that there was nothing else like this at the time. Well, yeah, maybe it had a bleakness to it (in the last thirty minutes at least) that hadn't been much used at that point. So what? A few years earlier, Get Carter caused outrage because of its violence that actually resembled violence, and it done so much better. Herschell Gordon Lewis had pushed the graphic/splatter boundaries a full ten years before this shit was made.

The acting is terrible, the villain unlikely, the plot is tenuous, the sound and editing are flaccid and uninspired rather than the templates of terror people assume them to be... Oh, fucking whatever. If you consider this shit to be anything other than the fucking bilge that it is, you're a prick.



Wednesday, 25 December 2013

24/12/13 Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)

Lucas and Spielberg can can both fuck right off, but even I'll admit that this film's bloody fantastic. But you know that as you've seen it. If by some chance you haven't, it's about a man with a hat and a whip who digs up old things. A bit like a sexy version of Time Team. No Baldrick.

An anagram of this film is: I, soft, dark arse-harlot.  ...A film with that title would probably also feature men with whips.



24/12/13 It's A Wonderful Life (1946)

Grumpy miserablist wants to top himself.

Spoiler: He doesn't.



23/12/13 An American Ghost Story (2012)

A chap rents a haunted bungalow so that he can write a book about living in a spook-house.

Some of the acting's utterly bumular, the pace is sedate and many of the ghosty bits are derivative to the point of rip-offs, however for a mini-budget amateur effort it ain't too bad at all, especially the final twenty minutes.

Worth a go.

7/10 Or thereabouts.


Sunday, 22 December 2013

22/12/13 Survival Of The Dead (2009)

Romero's first three zombie films are rightly considered classics. His last three prove that he can make ones just as shit as everyone else.




22/12/13 Carry On Henry (1971)

Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak!

The dialogue in this film is like being inside my head.

10/10 Yes.