Wednesday, 27 April 2016

25/04/16 Triple 9 (2016)

Film starts well with a bank heist that (unusually for a film) only goes partially wrong.

Turns out it was some bent copperplods. Then there's another 1hr 40mins of stuff that isn't as interesting to watch.


24/04/16 Sucker (2015)

A young fellow becomes the student of an ageing con man and his daughter. Not brilliant, but better than I was expecting. I dunno what else to write.

Just had a look on the BBC website in another tab and I noticed that number 10 in their list of Most Read articles is 'Spider bites Australian man on penis'.

Wonder if it made his spidey sense tingle?


23/04/16 Lumberjack Man (2015)

Low budget comedy horror that forgets about the comedy bit after the first twenty minutes.


23/04/16 Holidays (2016)

Horror anthology where each segment is based around (in the Yank definition) a holiday.

Largely forgettable although Father's Day and Christmas were highlights/near misses.

Kevin Smith's one in particular was disappointing. Red State aside, he's really plunged into the brown since the fun of Mallrats and the brilliance of Clerks.


22/04/16 Midnight Special (2016)

Granite-featured chuckle-vacuum Michael Shannon struggles to keep control of his very bright son during a family journey.


Thursday, 21 April 2016

17/04/16 After Earth (2013)

Will Smith passes his on-screen terribleness to the next generation.


16/04/16 The Boy (2016)

A young American lady comes to England to take a child minding job whilst the parents are on holiday.
Rather than looking after some terrible little wanker in a new-build housing estate, it's in a large, isolated house in the sticks called, like, Ominous Towers, or Loomingdread Hall or somesuch.

Anyway, turns out that the family's a bit odd. The parents appear to be in their early seventies and oddly secretive, and their son, Brahms, is a weird little fellow. He doesn't move much, stares a lot, dresses strangely and is a medium sized wooden doll.

I nearly wrote chod minding job in that first paragraph. Can you imagine that, being paid to look after someone's bum biscuits? Anyway.

So the parents go on holiday and the baby sitter thinks she's landed the world's cushtiest gig, having a big house to herself, and pretending to take care of the world's gayest looking action figure. The chap from the local village who delivers essentials -apparently every half an hour. They sure get through a lot of stuff in that house- quickly becomes a chum and potential love interest, and all seems well for the first evening.

However, things start going a bit funny and Brahms appears to be a little more animate than his non-fleshy status would suggest, at first he's yer standard creepy doll type thing, then apparently begins developing a bit of a crush on his temporary carer. Well, she is a good looking lady.

For a large part of the film I struggled to watch it seriously as every time the childminder was in her undies or taking a shower, I expected the camera to pan round and see Brahms *ahem* polishing his woodpecker, or a least a shot of a keyhole with a faint rapid *knock knock knock knock* noise coming from the other side.

"Brahms, what are these little piles of sawdust in my shoes?" 

Yes, I am in my '40s and amuse myself with the thought of small, pervert mannequins.

Predictably enough, with all films involving creepy houses and possessed dolls, it all goes a bit wonky as Brahms may not be as harmless and playful as thought.

Most reviews of this have said that the story is derivative but performed well, I can go along with that, and I enjoyed its old fashioned spookiness.
It must also be said that I've seen thousands (by now literally so) of horror films and one scene in this, the 'mirror emergence', actually did give me the creeps. Not "Ooh, that's a bit odd" but the full-on "Fucking hell! What the shitting balls is this?!"

So for that alone, I'm gonna say job well done.


--/04/16 Cherry Tree (2015)

A teenage girl agrees to carry the child of the devil so some witches can sacrifice it and become incredibly powerful, in exchange for having the witches cure her dad of terminal illness.

Filmed in Ireland. Rosemary's O'Baby?

Not bad, not great either, but some decently creepy moments and the effects do well under the budget.


--/04/16 Bad Taste (1987)

First, and arguably best (even though it's fucking terrible) film by Peter Jackson. I mean, it really is awful on every level, but it's still flippin' great.

But very shit.

You've either seen it and you understand, or you haven't.

Well, I suppose if you haven't seen it and watch it now, it'll probably leave you confused trying to associate the global, fluffy, mega-nonsense that Jackson now directs with the rubber-heavy gorefest he started out with, and you'll probably wonder how on earth someone who made such a terrible pile of nonsense ever got to make a second film, but if you was in your teens when this came out twenty-eight years ago, it all made perfect sense.

We'd seen some fairly extreme gore, even outside the 'banned list', but it was all done so seriously. Even stuff like the Herschell Gordon Lewis films were cheap and sleazy rather than straight comedy. Bad Taste was extreme splatter stuff in such an intentionally silly, slapstick way, closer to a Tom & Jerry cartoon than any real world acts of depravity.

I dunno, probably lots of obscure stuff that done this earlier and better than Jackson, but in my world of the time, it made quite an impression among my peers.

It is shit though.


--/04/16 Hush (2016)

A young deaf woman lives alone in an isolated house in the woods.
She writes fiction for a living, surely at some point she would've thought "this set-up sounds far too much like one of my stories where some nutty fellow tries to get in and damage a deaf lady to death?"

Sure enough it turns into a home invasion film when some loony turns up and tries to murder her right in the face!

Actually pretty good for what it is, directed by the chap who done the great Absentia and the arse Occulus, and written by the lady who plays the lady.


--/04/16 Avenging Force (1986)

Michael Dudikoff wasn't just the best actor to ever appear in the title role of American Ninja, he was also in lesser known films like this.
Yes, exactly/10


--/04/16 The Trust (2016)

Nicolas Cage and that little elf fella play a pair of copperplods who decide to rob some criminals of their loot and use it to escape to Wig Island where Mr Cage can spend all day rolling around in the syrup fields.

Can you imagine it? His delighted little face as he runs around, toupees as far as the eye can see? He could open a little gift shop selling wigs so convincing that they'll fool almost anyone, he could call it Con Hair.

Baddum Tssh!


Wednesday, 13 April 2016

13/04/16 Bleed (2016)

Some people move to a big house in the countryside. Locals are odd. Spooky stuff. Made my brain yawn by the end.
5000 - 4995/10


12/04/16 Dixieland (2015)

Some guy called Kermit Chinbeard gets out of jail and within one day, meets a girl, decides to give up on his promise of going straight, and goes back into crime.

Judgements on the rehabilitative merits of prison aside, this isn't a bad effort although it tries way, way, way too hard for that indie-hipster vibe with constant hazy, magic hour shots, J/L cuts, wordless dreamy introspection scenes and all that "Award me! I'm a visionary story teller" type shit.


11/04/16 Ava's Possessions (2016)

A woman named Ava lists all the objects she owns.

Not really.

Getting tired of the zombie films, I went for one with a possession plotline instead.

Because they're really unusual, don't see many of them around much these days.

Alright, this one's actually a blip more creative than most, it's the story of what happens to possesees (that a word?) when they kick out their unwanted visitors, attending support groups, finding and apologising to people who they wronged when under the influence of spirits (ho ho!) and other such stuff.

If your desperate to see a possession film, -y'know, as they're such a fucking rarity- but actually want something a little different, this is not too bad.


09/04/16 Dead Rush (2016)

Zombie f... ucking hell.


First person POV.


Stop now.


05/04/16 Don't Grow Up (2015)

Zombie film (...I do seem to find myself typing that a lot) where apparently being over a certain age is the trigger for the infection to kick in, leaving a group of young people the survivors battling against the infected. A sorta Logan's Shuffle, you could say.

Filmed in Tenerife. We've been there. Also filmed in other places.


04/04/16 Jimmy Carr: Funny Business (2016)

Can't remember if we said we was gonna include stand up videos in this 'Plop  nonsense. Anyway, saw this one, didn't laugh much.


04/04/16 The Unfolding (2016)

Film about a dramatic incident in a launderette.

Not really, it's about a small group of people trying to make a documentary about a haunted house and things go a bit wonky.
What gives this one some curiosity value, beyond the many, many other films where the documentary/found footage/spooky stuff is blended up, is the secondary plot, played out in background radio reports and almost incidental conversations, about an escalation of tensions between world powers which as the film goes on looks likely to go from angry words being exchanged to even angrier, nuclear missile-y mutual reciprocations. Sorta like Threads feat. Paranormal Activity. (Yeah, I speak youth talk!)

Anyway, the first hour's really good, then the final thirty minutes is the usual hand-held shit where people run around screeching in very poorly lit areas and you haven't got a clue what's going on because the bumwit holding the camera appears to be on some kinda human spin cycle.


02/04/16 Pandemic (2016)

Zombie film. Some good scenes, couple of good ideas here and there, otherwise it's just another zombie film.

Wasn't that an exciting review?


02/04/16 Carry On Cleo (1964)

Hengist Pod. Good name.
Don't get many of those to the pound/10


02/04/16 Carry On Loving (1970)

Yes, we watch far too many of these films.

Well, films in general.


01/04/16 The Big Short (2015)

Podd hadn't seen this, so we watched it again. Opinions remain unchanged from when I saw it a few days before. All is well, you may now proceed.