Thursday, 30 April 2015

30/04/14 After (2012)

Currently watching this so can't really call either way if it's any good.

Two young people are on a bus, it crashes. They both wake up at home the next day and they're the only people left in town. We think they're ghosts.

I'll come back later to let you know if we're right.

Actually, I probably won't bother.


Wednesday, 29 April 2015

29/04/15 Hungerford (2014)

A sci-fi horror that cost less than many films spend on sandwiches yet manages to be better than most of them.

Good effort, young people.


27/4/15 The Girl Is In Trouble ((2015)

Expecting a generic crime film where all problems are solved by guns, this was much, much better. Solid story, good dialogue, excellent acting and only a few problems resolved with bullets.


27/04/15 Residue (2015)

Originally a feature-length pilot for a show that didn't get made according to IMDB. Although IMDB does have a listing for a show with the same name, with the same cast playing the same characters that people have claimed to have seen. So it probably did get made.

Anyway, on New Year's Eve in a future London (basically the same as the current one but with no daylight, apparently), a nightclub explodes.
One of the people who dies is the daughter of a local cop. He could have saved her, but he was busy sitting in a Mk1 Granada drinking and getting mashed off his balls on drugs. Which he buys from a dealer who is also London's most clued-in, omnipresent, all-knowing police informant/tour guide.

The other main players are some guy who works for the Home Office, whose accent travels more than most long distance pilots, and his girlfriend who is a photographer. Because films need that. Someone who 'works' as a photographer. That's original. Why are they always the type of photographer who take wanky pictures of the dispirited urban underclass or symbolic cityscapes and all that? In reality, out of the small number of people in the world who do take photos for a living, most of them work from small, barely afforded studios, where they have to maintain a pretend enthusiasm for awful family portraits whilst a child does a shit on their pastel blue backdrop. Or something.

Anyway, about a month after the explosion, some people start acting a bit funny and killing people or mutilating themselves. Something was released in the attack on the nightclub which is influencing their behaviour. Plod, Home Office, and shutterbug all find themselves involved in the increasingly bizarre mystery behind the explosion.

The acting was mostly good (enough), the locations were impressive, the horror moments quite spooky, the effects good and Mk1 Ganadas are bloody lovely. However the script was woeful arse, really terrible in places. 

That'll do.


27/04/15 Of Silence (2014)

A man's wife has died so he sells his scuba diving company and stays at home to sit down a lot. He might've had something to do with her death, I couldn't tell. The ghost of his wife is haunting him, in an almost menacing and scary way, which would be suggestive of some level of guilt/involvement in her passing. Or maybe she was just a right arsehole who is still getting on his case from beyond.

If that wasn't enough, his house also seems to be haunted by some demonic Pumpkinhead tribute who is related to/nothing to do with (again, couldn't tell) the whole wife thing.

For the first half of this film, I thought the main fella's performance was quite good. He's docile, numbed, isolated and haunted (in both senses). However, by the end of the film I was strongly suspicious that the actor (also the writer/director) was possibly just asleep, so immobile and placid is his performance. One part in particular, when supposedly at peril of imminent death, his face portrayed the same amount of emotion as someone experiencing a stress-less bowel movement whilst pondering the colour beige.

Not awful, but fossil-paced and void of anything engaging.


26/04/15 Dark Vision (2015)

A supernatural reality TV show try and win a contract/competition by streaming live spookyness from a cave that's haunted by some guy who enjoyed killing people back in the days of The Plague.

Being alive back then must've been bloody awful. You got, like, one day a year off work from your terrible job where you sat around in a straw house wearing clothes made of leprosy, drinking ale with bits floating in it, eating a grey lump of diseased bread, giving thanks to the landowners who would probably not hesitate in using you for winter fuel if the logs ran a little low.
You probably couldn't read or write, you gave half you meagre wages back to the person you worked for as payment for the one-room hovel you live in on their land. Potatoes were a luxury for the wealthy, so you had to peel a rodent for an imitation one.
Music was performed on instruments that both looked and sounded like a stringed shed.
If you were luck enough to reach your mid-twenties, at least one limb had probably withered away or burst and you were likely to soon die through easily preventable illness, being hit by a sword, drowned for being a witch or eaten by a bear.
You were also expected to attend worship 400 times a year where you handed over the rest of you wages and gave thanks for your existence whilst being told you were a sinner for possessing genitals, eyes and whatnot.

"Keep describing the poor this way, nearly there..."

All of which leads us in no way back to the film. The acting's so hammy these people probably piss gammon, the camera work and effects are competent at best, the location becomes a little repetitive and the story's nothing original. However, it's one of those 'honest' films that doesn't pretend to be anything more than what it is and I'd much rather watch ten films like this than another single 100 million dollar superhero toy advert with Audi product placements and sparkle-toothed cretins blandly spouting their McDialogue.


Sunday, 26 April 2015

25/04/2015 Educating Rita (1983)

Never seen this before although I remember it being a big deal when it was released.  The fashions look horribly dated but the story is still a good one, as is the script and the general message.  Michael Caine's grumpy professor is arguably one of his best performances (but this of course was before The Muppet Christmas Carol ;) ) and Julie Walters plays her part perfectly.

Being an Open University student I was interested in this for the OU factor although it is largely irrelevant and barely mentioned. Distance learning has now changed massively with a majority of it happening online but reading some fellow students posts on forums sadly the attitudes of some husbands to their wives undertaking courses has not improved (none of that goes on here at Plop Towers of course).



25/04/2015 Blackhat (2015)

Or, as Perkin put it, "Browntip".

Ah Michael Man, he should have quit while he was ahead after the excellent Manhunter, Heat and Last of the Mohicans and spared us all this complete drivel about hackers. The height of ridiculous is reached when the Hannibal Lecter of hackers (played by a Hemsworth brother sporting the stock family expression of a mixture of brooding, concentrating on a difficult problem - like remembering his own name - and constipation) mills around ground zero of a recent nuclear meltdown, apparently the small issue of it still being highly radioactive isn't a problem (and why the hell does he need to visit the site anyway, he's investing hacking so there's nothing physical to see.  Despite that we are repeatedly shown the camera PoV travelling down wires and monitors rapidly scrolling green screens of garbled text and/or binary).

Just awful old shite.


"Hang on, am I Luke, Chris or the other one?"


24/04/2015 Parallels (2015)

An abandoned office building "downtown" (which is an area of a city seemingly only existent in films) is a portal to parallel universe versions of Earth and themselves (typical; the landlord never mentioned that, the bastard) and some young types have a poke around in search of their father who's lost in one of the versions of Earth (he's probably just hiding in the shed to get a bit of peace).



23/04/2015 Digging Up The Marrow (2014)

Mockumentary following a horror film maker investigating something told to him by a potential crackpot (or is he?) about real life monsters. It's actually pretty good.



21/04/2015 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015)

Like the original, another film which we enjoyed more than we should *ahirm*.  Arguably an unnecessary sequel but has some funny lines.

6/10 (don't tell anyone)


21/04/2015 Drive Angry (2011)

We've watched and plopped this before, too many times to deny we really enjoy this nonsense.  William Fitchner makes it.



Monday, 20 April 2015

19/05/14 Heaven's Prisoners (1996)

Neo-noir effort set in the deep south where everyone speaks like they were born with an Elvis quiff.



19/04/15 Tootsie (1982)

A midget changes clothes so he can get a better job. Podd loves this film.

(She's a bit odd.)
10/10 (Apparently. Aah, go on then.)


--/04/15 Straightheads (2007)

The one where Agent Scully shoves a rifle right up a fella's balloon knot. Easily Danny Dyer's best film, but that's like describing a favourite bruise.

Renamed Closure for fuckwits.


--/04/15 Stormbreaker (2006)

If James Bond was a posh child, the films would probably look a bit like this.


--/04/15 Hyena (2014)

Miserableak film about some bent plod in Laaaaahndan.

From the Writer/Director of Tony which was also very good.


--/04/15 Con Air (1997)

Still one of the best shit films ever made.


--/04/15 Wrong Cops (2013)

Comedy film made by people who don't know how to be funny.

At all.



--/04/15 Big Muddy (2014)

Pretty decent crime film. Title sounds like a nickname you'd give someone with a massive arse.


--/04/15 Silverhide (2015)

Blimey, this one was hard work.

Think it's about some people, sometimes their in a tent or something, other times their in a haunted tunnel or whatnot. Dunno. The box art suggests some kind of werewolf, but I think it's an invisible one.


--/04/15 Cam2Cam (2014)

I'm assuming this was written by someone who doesn't use computers in real life as it has that silly notion that the internet is a dangerous place where it's likely that clicking the wrong button will get you instantly bum raped by rusty hammers made of fire. In reality the internet is stuff on a screen in a plastic box. Yeah, there's lots of nutters online, but it's not like it's Croydon or something.

Anyway, film's shit although most of the acting and the camera work does the best with what it has.

Good arse though.


--/05/14 Hooligans At War: North Vs South (2015)



--/05/15 I'll Follow You Down (2013)

A man goes missing. Twenty years later his son builds a time machine to go and find him.

Not too bad.


--/04/15 Clown (2014)

A kindly family man is running late for his son's birthday party. Mrs Kindly phones him to say the clown they've booked is unavailable. By lucky chance, the job site Mr Kindly is rummaging about in has a discarded clown costume. He puts it on, goes home, bends some balloons and all the usual clownery.

Turns out clowns are based on some legend from Iceland (or Norway or somewhere. One of those places) and this suit was the original clown suit made from the skin of some form of demonic 'Clown Zero'.

Anyway, it possesses Mr Kindly and he starts metamorphosing (is that a word? Spell check says it is.) into an evil child murdering demon clown.

That's pretty much the film in a clownshell, it was more entertaining than I thought it would be. Reminded me of some of the better '80s horror flicks.


--/04/15 Altergeist (2014)

Film about a paranormal investigation reality show visiting a massive vinyard 'cos it's got haunted grapes or something.

It's really bum, although the end had a little more going for it than the rest.


--/04/15 Thunderheart (1992)

Once again been too busy* to update this as we watch them, so here's the stuff we've watched in the last week or so.

In this one Val Kilmer plays a copperplod investigating murder on an native reservation. Worth seeing for the landscapes, Graham Greene's performance and Val Kilmer's head before it went all wide.



Friday, 10 April 2015

10/04/15 Dead Rising: Watchtower (2015)

I once played one of the games this film's based on. Really enjoyed the first half, then it suddenly became really boring.

The makers of this film matched the formula exactly!


07/04/15 Echoes (2014)

Woman sees things, goes and stays in a fancy house, things turn murdery and there's a ghost.


07/04/15 Frenzy (1972)

Pretty sure it's illegal to say anything negative about any Hitchcock films. Admittedly, I haven't seen many, pretty much just this and Psycho. Psycho was excellent, this was fuckin' bumwash. Shut up.

London. Before it became the arsehole's themepark it is today.

"What's that word, Miriam?"

1970's man, modelling the standard combination of shirt, tie, brown things and alcoholism.

"Must you watch me eat, Barnsworth?"
"Yes. Late at night, I also watch you sleep. Sometimes I stroke your hair."


Did all British men look like this in the '70s, or was this guy in every film made back then?


06/04/15 The Lazarus Effect (2015)

Dogshit cover version of Flatliners, which itself was a bit bollocks.

The bunch of actor/models pretending to be brainy science children was almost as hard to believe as the completely wank plot.


06/04/15 The Cottage (2008)

Part crime film, part horror. Also comedy as well and whatnot.


04/04/15 The Mist (2007)

Essentially a film about the weather taking a turn for the worse. Starring Cloverfield and the Cloverlings.
10/10 ('Cos I said so!)


04/04/15 From The Dark (2014)

Some Irish fella, who appears to be farming mud, accidentally digs up a mud-vampire (prob called Peat... Oh stop it!).
The mudpire attacks him a bit so he runs back to his house and falls asleep.
Whilst this is going on, there's also a young couple driving around locally, their car gets stuck, in more mud, then wander over to the farmer's house where they have to do battle with the now converted farmer and the source of the problem, Count Mudula.

Although I thought the sense of threat was a little absent, this is otherwise a solid little film and well worth a peek.



Sunday, 5 April 2015

04/04/2015 Carry On Cleo (1964)



04/04/2015 Carry On Follow That Camel (a.k.a In The Legion) (1967)

Early proof that the token Yank can spoil it.



04/04/2015 Carry On Screaming (1966)

"Frying tonight!"



04/04/2015 Carry On Jack (1963)

It must be a bank holiday.

Carry On films rule.

This isn't one of the best though.



03/04/2015 Pistol Whipped (2008)

Told you we were pissed, on with the Steven Seagal.  He's looking rather round these days (and this was a few years ago, he has expanded more sense).



03/04/2015 Macabre (2009)

Indonesian (oh yes, a night of culture at Plop Towers) film about friends being held captive by some rum types. The film has drawn comparisons to the excellent Inside which is a Film Plop favourite. Can see a couple of similarities but it's not as good or bonkers.  Not bad though, although we were quite pissed by the end.



03/04/2015 Roseville (2013)

Bulgarian film where spooky happenings in a house makes a bloke who looks like Kevin Sorbo go a bit wibbily. Started off OK but was quite dull.



Thursday, 2 April 2015

02/04/15 Mad Max (1979)

The version I watched today was the one with the original audio, not the terrible dubbed version that made its way onto DVD and TV a few years back.

Still a fairly shit film in fairness. Good stunts though, which is probably the point of it more than fine acting.

Really surprised at how young (he was 23 at the time) Mel Gibson looked, before he turned into the racist walnut we all know today.

Super Mario and Brian May often argued. Normally about the usual things, work, money, the kids etc.

"I tell ya, man. Not sure I can take it any more. Lunatics on the road, the desert's almost lawless, theft, murder, gangs.. I dunno. Anyway, how was your day, Max?"

"How do I, a man who looks and dresses like Mr Bean, get so much sex?.."

"Formidable length."

"Gis' a go on yer bike, Mister"
"Why not"
"I'm running in a new clutch. And you're a dog."

Without doubt, the most heterosexual screencap in history.

"Yes bruv! Done the work myself. 5.7 litre V8. Twin carb, crossflow with nitrous. 0-60 in five seconds, quarter of a mile in less than eleven. Jump in, I'll take you for a spin."

Surprising to see Maisie with a shotgun. She normally preferred to use a blade.

Visit Australia, land of culture and refinement.

What a camp pose.