Friday, 31 October 2014

31/10/14 The Babadook (2014)

Halloween so obviously we're going to watch a horror film. The other 364 days of the year are just the result of an under active social gland.

Anyway, this film's currently being wanked on from all directions by the horror fans, so even though experience tells me otherwise, I was keen to see it. I was expecting it to be total Babadollocks, but it's actually good. Nothing original, but the scares are very much present. I thought it was great.

Until the end. The last twenty minutes are basically a woman screaming followed by the most 'eh?' resolution I've seen for ages. Really is a dollop of shit icing on an otherwise tasty cake. Real shame as it kinda spoils it.

Ah well. Worth seeing, just draw a better ending on some paper and stick that over the screen for the final stretch.

What is brilliant though, is this album cover photo I saw the other day:

Yes, it appears to be a baby wearing a sack mask running away from a couple of dead people.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
*Dials number into baby phone*
"Maurice, it's me! It's happened again! Meet me under the bridge and bring the suitcase"
"Same as that village in Yorkshire?"
"Yeah, same as the village in Yorkshire"
"Shit! I'll send in the clean up team."

Also, here's a cannon blowing a giant smoke cock and an amusingly graffiti'd water bottle for you:

Cheers, then.

29/10/14 The Taking Of Deborah Logan (2014)

Horror film that's actually creepy. If you like the thought of seeing an old lady trying to absorb a child, this should be on your must-see list. Also if you like good horror flicks.


28/10/14 White Lightning (1973)

Made during that twenty year period when Burt Reynolds made lots of films about men in the deep south driving massive, underpowered oil furnace cars.

The first two-thirds of this film is surprisingly straight, almost noirish/southern gothic sorta thing at times. Then it has a car chase and becomes Moonshine and the Bandit until it ends.

Also stars Ned Beatty. No bum rape.


28/10/14 Stretch (2014)

Well nosh me sideways! A comedy that's actually funny!

Alright, first twenty minutes aren't great and the last fifteen are meh, but the middle hour is proper LOLsome. A few lines of dialogue had us doing large chuckle wheels.


27/10/14 Automata (2014)

Like a cross between Blade Runner and I Am Robot, a boring fifteen minutes half way in, but otherwise a pretty damn decent effort.

Desert poo.


27/10/14 V/H/S: Viral (2014)

The third in the VHS series.

The wraparound story is a bit wank, but the three inner stories are all unusually strong.

Dante The Great: is fun, some cracking effects and a decent ending.

Parallel Monsters: was probably our favorite. Guy invents a dimensional doorway in his basement, meets another version of himself in a version of our world where things are a little odd.

Bonestorm: A pair of annoying slacker skater pricks go to Mexico and do, like, a gnarly Jason And The Argonauts tribute thing.

So, yeah, if you like anthology horrors, you could do bumloads worse than this.


26/10/14 Let's Be Cops (2014)

Let's Be Cocks, more like.


25/10/14 Exists (2014)

Not yet released and all that, internet, popular video streaming site etc.

Made by one of the Blair Witch directors, kinda similar but with a large grumpy monkey instead of a witch. One scene in particular is a massive self-reference.

S'alright though, pretty good for what it is.


25/10/14 Toothfairy (2010)

This was the other CuddleVision flick that Podd watched. Said it was a bit meh.


25/10/14 Hocus Pocus (1993)

I was working so Podd watched a load of family films that were on WollyfluffTV and Wollyfluff+1

She said this one was pleasant fun.


25/10/14 Treehouse (2014)

Starts slow, gets good, turns bollocks. The ending is a bit tits.
Centre Parcs new brochure took a bold direction.


24/10/15 Kansas (1988)

Two chaps meet on a train, rob a bank then get jobs in a small town.


Wednesday, 22 October 2014

22/10/14 The House That Dripped Blood (1971)

As much as I enjoy the old Hammer/Amicus films of this type from this era, I gotta admit this one's pretty gash.

As ever Peter Cushing lifts the quality bar when he's on screen.

Amusingly described in the film as "A young couple from London"

Peter Cushing was brilliant. Here he's seen touching a vase, if you look carefully, there's some terrible wallpaper.

"May I smell your glove?"

Nice Triumph Spitfire, I've put it on here for my chum Dave.

"What's for dinner?"

"Yeah, I'll definitely put this on Twitter an' shit"

"Hello, is that the future?.. I see... It's the shirt isn't it?.. I shall burn it immediately."


21/10/14 The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

Self-refrencing wank that is just as tedious and predictable as every other film of this type. Meh.

"Does my arse look stabby in this?"

21/10/14 Housebound (2014)

New Zealand film about a scowly woman who makes a bollock of a robbery then gets sentenced to live with her mum for 8 months in a house that might be haunted.

Get a lot of praise from horror types, it's good enough but very forgettable. The creepy neighbour's small role is a definite highlight.


20/10/14 Deliver Us From Evil (2014)

Deliver me from shite like this.


18/10/14 Snatch (2000)

The one where Brad Pitt pretends to be a caravan or something.


18/10/14 Come Back To Me (2014)

Podd also watched this.

Said it started really well, but didn't hold her attention.


17/10/14 Powder Room (2014)

Podd watched this, I didn't.

Why would I watch a film about lots of women in a bathroom. What kind of man do you think I am? Alright, I may have accidentally watched the shower scene in Witchboard four or five-hundred times as a teenager, but that's it. Nothing else.

Apart from all that Japanese tentacle bondage-scat, I hardly watch any peculiar stuff.

Just tapping out any old shit here as I didn't see this.


17/10/14 Extraterrestial (2014)

Some people in the woods, aliens and whatnot.

Not too bad, done by the people who done the enjoyable Grave Encounters. And the shit Grave Encounters 2.


17/10/14 The Devil's Hand (2014)

Silly but fun film about an Amish-like commune who are led by a man who looks like an angry baby (Colm Meaney).

Mr Baby believes that one of the six girls born to commune members eighteen years before will become some kinda vessel for the devil at midnight on her birthday. Thankfully a few people say he's being a silly sausage and try and save the girls from physical/spiritual punishment.

Fantastic final ten minutes.


"Repent now, Sinner! My path is the only one of true salvation!...
...Do you have a rusk or some milk?"

16/10/14 Blue Steel (1989)

Jamie Lee Curtis plays a lady with an angular face who drops her pistol. A strangely bearded fellow picks it up and they nearly fall in love or something.

Definitely not one of Kathryn Bigelow's finest.


16/10/14 The Canal (2014)

Derivative but effective film about a troubled fellow whose wife goes for a swim in a local canal but forgets to breathe so then haunts him a bit.



15/10/14 WolfCop (2014)

A mildly amusing ninety-second YouTube sketch that some idiot ruined by adding on another 90 minutes.


14/10/14 The Anomaly (2014)

Low budget, slightly clunky but slick and fun Sci-Fi jobby that looks superb for its lowish budget and has some nice ideas.

14/10/14 Revenge of The Green Dragons (2014)

My first disappointment was the Green Dragons of the title are a street gang, rather than actual green dragons.

My second was the rest of the film.


Sunday, 12 October 2014

12/10/14 Deliverance Creek (2014)

Better than average TV film set in cowboy times where a gutsy ginger shoots some guns.


12/10/14 Two-Lane Blacktop (1971)

Nothing like the magazine called 'Black Top' I found as a teen back in the '80s.

Apparently the director of this film starved his cast of sleep in the hope that it would make their performances flat and ambiguous, allowing the viewer to interpret what little story and character development there is for themselves, the goal (supposedly) being that the audience would fill the void with the colours that reflected their own, everyone coming away with their own version of what the film meant.

Although this sounds like, and actually is, fairly pretentious twaddle, and sleep or not, some of the acting is piss-poor, it does kinda work.
You could equally view the film as a celebration of non-conformity and freedom, where every stop for a burger on the back roads of a vast nation offered new potential adventures, or you could see it as a story of true nothingness, no real beginning, end or message, the endless roads over an unyielding landscape highlighting how brief and unimportant our spark of appearance on the map of eternity truly is.

Or you could just argue that it's a load of old wank that drives right up it's own arse and stays there. All would be fairly valid opinions. Or anything in between.
8/10 or 1/10 or whatever.

"Fucking 'ell, Jeff. Don't drink the oil, you twat."

I wish cars still looked like this. Not yellow though, that's a shit colour.

In the early 1970s, everyone used to look at different things.

"Step on it, you fucking mincer."

"Grey, raining and cold. This ain't bad but I wan't something even more depressing"

"That's better!"

"What you driving these days, Clive?"
"Some fucking ponced-up shopping trolley."
"Yellow with a V8?"
"Yeah, that's the one."

"You look like Matthew Corbett"
"Fuck off you fuzzy wank."


11/10/14 Half Nelson (2006)

Ryan Gosling takes drugs, does some teaching and looks over there a bit.

Well acted, not much happens.


11/10/14 Maps To The Stars (2014)

The latest David 'Chuckles' Cronenberg film, this one about an astoundingly dysfunctional Hollywood-based family, a limo driver and a has-been actress. They're all terrible, unsympathetic people.

Actually, it's quite a laugh.