Monday, 29 February 2016

29/02/16 Camera Trap (2014)

Found footage film where some documentary makers go off somewhere to search for a near extinct mammal of some kind, a Snow Elephant or something, it all goes bollock shaped and they start getting eaten by something that might be the creature they're looking for.

Another found footage film where rapid, unfocused shots of trees, the ground, someone's beard and a tent are supposed to be moments of panicked terror rather then just the confused and confusing mess that I watched.


28/02/16 Synchronicity (2015)

Some back-room boffins invent what they think is a time machine but also serves as a doorway to parallel dimensions and whatnot.

Or something like that.

Starts of well, but we were getting fidgety by the end, like hamsters missing their wheel.


--/02/16 Terminus (2015)

Watched this a few weeks ago and forgot to put it on here. Don't remember much about it. Some bloke grows some new legs, aliens, some magic time-shed or something, dunno.

I seem to remember us quite liking it, but can't be sure.


27/02/16 The Demolisher (2015)

The title is almost an anogram of 'Shite Lemon'. Which it was.

Hoping for some kinda low-budget updated version of Death Wish, instead this was about some guy with a beard hitting people with sticks for apparently no reason in completely unconvincing action sequences and also some woman who used to love running but can't really do it much any more as she's got a spacky leg or something.


--/02/16 Regression (2015)

I called the twist in this film very early into it. The remaining 80 minutes tumbled slowly towards me being correct. Well done, me. I'm good.


--/02/16 Deadpool (2016)

I wanted to hate this, mostly as films based on comics are now something I consider on a par with Tory governments (shite, predictable and fucking morons love them), however, credit where it's due, I did laugh at this many times.
Without Ryan Reynolds clowning it up so well, it would've been unbearably wankpuffin, but the continous one-liners worked for me.

Mostly 'cos they were immature arse jokes and suchlike.


--/02/16 Clinger (2015)

The old story about first love and the boy taking it too hard when they split up.

The difference being that a while ago his head fell, with accidental sharp-edged assistance, and he's been dead since then.

The first half was more enjoyable than the second.


--/02/16 The Money Pit (1986)

The Money Pit.

Podd watched this, I think I was at work or something else really rubbish.
I did see it about 25 years ago. I seem to remember thinking it was alright. It was during phase one of Tom Hanks.

Phase 1: Young & wacky!
               Young & wacky!
               Young & wacky!
               Young & wacky!

Phase 2: Thoughtful lawyer/has AIDS/Gump

Phase 3: Kindly and ageing.

Although in fairness, I could summarise my own phases just as easily:

Born fat & bald.

Idiot with toys.


Still alive, fat & bald again.

Tom Hanks and Perkin Filmplop, kindred spirits.


Monday, 22 February 2016

20/02/16 Victor Frankenstein (2015)

Starts off very badly, almost at a level of self-parody, improves as it goes on, a bit, but then becomes shite near the end.


Also, hello again, as this will be the first 'Plop anyone who bothers coming here will read. Haven't been bothered to keep this very up to date, a trend (laziness) that is likely to continue, so don't get too attached. 


19/02/16 Estranged (2015)

This is probably quite good, but we was too tired to get into it so it just seemed really boring.
Like every British film made, it had that James Cosmo fella in it. If he only gets paid £10 per film, he's probably still on a million a year.
Actually, think it was just really boring/10


Sunday, 21 February 2016

--/--/16 Southbound (2015)

Anthology horror flick, the wraparound story and the poster being the best things about it.

C'mon, that's very cool for a horror flick based around a desert road.


--/--/16 Flash Gordon (1980)

You've probably already seen this, therefore have your own thoughts on it.
Camper than a row of sequinned tents/10


--/--/16 Hell Fire (2015)

The production values on this film are terrible, as the internet children would say, it looks like it was filmed on a potato with sound quality to match and I'm not sure the budget would've stretched to a Happy Meal.

However it was very good fun. The script had real spirit, the acting wobbled but a couple of performers really nailed the silly tone required for it and the practical horror effects were great in an Evil Dead kinda way.

So yeah, well worth a watch, but go in knowing that it's rough as balls to look at and listen to.

Although, as I've said a tedious number of times on here, I'd rather watch something with no money and a heart than a polished, big budget thing with no soul any time.


--/--/16 Diablo (2015)

Scott Eastwood does an impression of his dad in a western that gets better as it goes along and has some fantastic scenery shots that almost make it worth seeing on their own.


--/--/16 Stag Hunt (2015)

Dirt cheap Brit film that is shoddy but enthusiastic. The script has enough chuckles to make it worth a go.


--/--/16 Altered States (1980)

This film would be a screen-cap gem, but that'll have to wait 'til next time.

Anyway, William Hurt plays some dick who does some magic drugs and turns into a monkey and some pile of jelly, then back into a person.

Either really good or total shit. Can't decide.


--/--/16 Home Invasion (2016)

Second film we've watched this year where '80s pin-up Jason Patric spends most of the running time sitting in a chair talking to a woman.

This was the slightly better one of the two. Still very generic stuff, but earlier that day at work I thought to myself "Hmmm, in the mood for something generic tonight."


--/--/16 Con Air (1997)

Do we enjoy this film?

"Yes, yes we do."


--/--/16 Freaks Of Nature (2015)

Teen horror comedy that's actually rather funny.

You can probably see how enthusiastic I am about writing this with such insightful reviews.


--/--/16 Martyrs (2015)

Shit remake of shit original.

Complete wankpuffin.


--/--/16 Hannibal (2001)

Much, much funnier than the makers of this film intended it to be.

Looks like he's having a crafty wank.

--/--/16 The Bourne Identity (2002)

On TV so we watched it again. Still cocking awesome.

I'm a lot like Jason Bourne.

Not in the multi-lingual, fast thinking, highly skilled, massively intelligent assassin kinda way, more that I occasionally forget stuff.


--/--/16 Uncaged (2016)

Think we quite enjoyed this, can't greatly remember. We was probably tired.*
Possibly good/10



--/--/16 The Carrier (2015)

Some people on a plane try and avoid catching a disease that makes your head all inflatey.



--/--/16 Jackie Brown (1997)

Remember when Tarantino films were something you looked forward to rather than an irritation? This one's from that era.

Dunno, maybe I just find him irritating.

Probably both.


--/--/16 Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer (2006)

I went to bed about half way through this. Podd watched the rest. It was a bit spazzy.


--/--/16 Afterdeath (2015)

Some people wake up on a beach. The only things in the otherwise empty landscape is a cabin and a lighthouse. Something feels 'off' and they soon realise they have all died and they're in a purgatorial shed until it's time to move on. Much like a Saga holiday must feel?

The first two-thirds are good, the last is splashy dollops.


--/--/16 Jeruzalem (201)

Apparently every so often, at different places around the globe, a doorway to hell opens or something and loads of people become possessed and start flying about.

Although better in some ways than I was expecting, the main characters are annoying and it's a found footage film recorded on those fucking Google computer glasses. Dunno if it actually was, but that's the USP of it. 
Not sure about eternal damnation, but Google definitely deserve a fucking punch in the arse. Tax cunts, fuck off and take your glasses with you.


--/--/16 Mission To Mars (2000)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. She said it got very silly at the end.


--/--/16 Moonwalkers (2015)

A film about the moon landings, or rather the CIA's supposed back-up plan of getting Stanley Kubrick to film a fake moon landing in case the real one went arse-shaped, therefore, presumably, maintaining the whole 'America has conquered the moon' propaganda.

When a cockney views something in great detail: Proper gander.

Anyway, rather than netting the real Kubrick, the Yanks accidentally hire some chancer pretending to be him and his mate. Film's a strange blend of knockabout comedy an surprisingly graphic, bloody violence. Ideal for someone who likes a bit of chucklemurder.

--/--/16 The Veil 2016

Not yet released but uploaded to a few streaming sites by some internet scamps. I sometimes wonder if that kind of leaking is intentional, as public reaction can be quietly gauged then whatever editorial amendments deemed wise can be applied and the leaked version can be claimed as an unfinished work print or somesuch. Dunno, just a thought.

Anyway, a film about a documentary crew returning to the scene of a mass cult suicide that took place 25 years earlier.

If you're a regular reader of this twaddle, when I say starring Thomas Jane, you can probably fill in the blanks.

He showed so much promise in The mist.