Sunday 31 December 2017

12/2017 Napoleon Dynamite (2004)


Intentionally quirky films normally twist my piss, but this one manages to stay on the right side of the irritation balance, and somehow be very likable even though it's not particularly funny or eventful.



12/2017 Weird Science (1985)


As a young 'un in the '80s, I thought this film was funny and enjoyable. Watching it again now, not so much.



12/2017 The Invention Of Lying (2009)


Another film Podd watched that I didn't. She thought it was alright. Ricky Gervais though, so probably best avoided.





12/2017 Django Unchained (2012)


I dunno, it was on late and the German guy's great fun.



12/2017 Skyfall (2012)


I didn't watch this, Podd did. I have seen it though. It was the most enjoyable Bond film I'd seen since the Moore era. Back when they were fun and not bollocks. Daniel Craig is still rubbish. Wrinkled like a sun-dried bollock, but with less range.




12/2017 Brawl In Cell Block 99 (2017)


Vince Vaughn plays a fellow with what appears to be a Terminator-like immunity to pain. This comes in handy when he gets sent to jail as he graphically, viciously and very effectively beats up almost everyone else in prison.

It's not much more complicated than that, and is way more fun than such a basic film should be.




12/2017 Evilspeak (1981)


Childhood bear buddy and Fred West tribute act, Clint Howard stars as a socially difficult teen at a military academy, who finds an old book in the basement that his computer translates, which then bestows satanic powers onto him.

We watched this on Christmas day, being a traditional family film. The main reason we saw it was because it was one of the films on the Video Nasites act banned list. Hard to see why, beyond some laughable scenes of devilish gubbins that I'm sure even the most devout of Biblefolk could laugh off as the silly nonsense that it is.








12/2017 Blood Money (2017)


John Cusack's latest straight to DVD effort is every bit as forgettable as all the others he's done for, well, flippin' ages now. Think the last film of his actually of merit was probably Identity. 15 years ago.

In this film he plays a man, looking oddly like a cabaret drag queen half way through the dressing room preperation, who has stolen a quantity of money from unknown baddies. A trio of annoying pricks have gone hiking and come across his stashed loot, nabbing it for themselves, so he chases after them and all that.

Not as exciting as my indifferent description makes it sound.



12/2017 Maggots (2017)


Well, it's a cheap film about over-sized, deadly space maggots falling to Earth and killing people.

You don't need more than that.



12/2017 Sound Of Nothing (2013)

Low budget post-apocalyptic effort with a bit of zombies and stuff as well, but not much. Mostly talky things. Alright for what it was


12/2017 Cave (2016)


A bit like The Descent, but focusing more on the people underground who have gone funny in the head, rather than the cannibal mutants.


Pretty much that, really.



12/2017 The Wolverine (2013)


Just as shit as when I saw it in the cinema. Only watched it again as it was on TV while I was giving my thumbs a break between festive Playstation sessions.



He's about to do that thing where he puts his knees in his slippers and walks 'round the house pretending to be Midget Wolverine.

12/2017 The Stolen (2017)


Slow moving Western about a lady who's husband gets killed and child gets stolen. We think she probably gets the kid back by the end, but we're not sure as we fell asleep.



24/12/2017 Inside (2016)


If you've read this with any kinda boring regularity, you may have noticed that Inside, the original French film this was based on, is a bit of a Christmas Eve tradition here at 'Plop Towers.

What's more Christmassy than watching a film set on Christmas Eve, with an absolute fuckton of extremely unpleasant ultradeath and grimoriffic mutilations? Exactly! How very French.

The American remake, like most films remade for Yank audiences, takes the core of the film, removes anything that may trouble septuagenarian Fox viewers and then wanks away any remaining good bits.

An absolute insult on the original, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly dogshit.



12/2017 Elf (2003)


I didn't watch this, Podd did. She didn't come home with a tattoo reading 'Elf is my favourite film ever, it's brilliant!' so I'm going to assume it was average.




12/2017 The Foreigner (2017)


After Jackie Chan's daughter gets killed in an IRA bomb in London, he takes far too long trying reasonable routes to justice before going over to Northern Ireland and kicking the wank out of numerous goons.




12/2017 Fubar (2002)


This film showed up a lot on the netweb again recently as a TV show based on it has been commissioned, or possibly even made and shown, dunno. Anyway, seen it before. If you spent your teens and twenties listening to heavy metal and being a pointless dick rather than pursuing any kind of constructive life, this film will probably tingle some fond memories for you. It did for me.



12/2017 Splatter University (1984)


Bumular slasher pish from the '80s. If you know this sort of film, you'll be able to fill in the rest of this 'Plop for yourself. Just make sure you include the usual childish attempts at humour and all that.

If you haven't seen this sort of film, don't push yourself, they're almost universally shit. Like this.




12/2017 The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

Man melts. Audience expectations met.

Poor.


11/2017 VHS Forever? Psychotronic People (2014)


A film with a fair amount in common with 'VHS Massacre' below, although this one focuses more on the obscurities and, like a growing number of others, the UK's Video Nasty act. Where the fucking Daily Mail's editorial opinion pieces literally guided government policy on what us subjects were allowed, or not, to watch.

Good to know that a paper who overtly supported Hitler and Mosley still had such influence in living memory, eh?

Fuck 'em.



11/2017 Plastic Galaxy: The Story Of Star Wars Toys (2014)


Documentary (well, obviously. It's hardly gonna be German scat porn with that name) about the little plastic ubiquibastards that people of my generation instantly lost the accessories for as soon as the packaging was opened.
For anyone who had some in the late '70s/early '80s this will prod your nostalgia nub.

Worth watching alone for the prototype toys that were created from rough descriptions of the film's characters, resulting in shit like Chewbacca wearing flares and suchlike.




11/2017 M.F.A. (2017)


A young woman is exploited once to often by an entitled, ego driven prick of a fella and decides to fight back.

Fucking good it is too.



11/2017 VHS Massacre: Cult Films And The Decline Of Physical Media (2016)


Dirt cheap documentary about the struggles faced by amateur film makers, the rapid replacement of physical media by streaming/digital stuff and the people that hunt through the second hand piles of VHS tapes for the obscure and forgotten films that never got digitised.

LLoyd Kaufman, who is, I think, contractually obliged to appear in every doc of this type, also brings up the worrying prospect of how much power the media giants have and what they'll do to retain it in a changing world, with issues such as censorship and net neutrality. That of course could lead to a long, tedious pile of words on here itself, but another time perhaps.

The most striking thing for me was the footage taken from inside video shops at their peak, compared to that taken in their dying months, and then after closure. At their height, they were almost like social venues, places to hang out longer than the process of selecting a film would logically take. In the independent ones, they would frequently be staffed by people who were knowledgeable and enthusiastic about the films on the shelves, be on good terms with their customers and decorate the interiors of the shops with posters, cut-outs and reproduction props of the contemporary and enduring, older films.
Sad fucks like me used to feel very at home in such places.
Then came the monopoly of Blockbuster, (one victim of the change to digital that makes some of us happy) and the small independent shops, and their welcoming character was killed off in pursuit of bland, production line profit chasing.

Anyway, there is more to this film about films on actual film than what I've waffled on about, and, aside from a wobbly first fifteen minutes, it's well worth watching.

Which ironically I did on a streaming service. Ho hum.



11/2017 Nails (2017)


A young lady gets run over and mangled whilst out jogging, thus proving that exercise can be very bad for you, and ends up in hospital, paraspazzed on a lifeglug*

She becomes increasingly convinced that something creepy is visiting her in her room, mostly due to the heavy breathing, creepy shadow man who comes and stands next to her bed at night. However, her family, the hospital staff and surveillance equipment her husband installs in her room all suspect she's a bit wonky in the mind and imagining it all.

Ropey in parts but watchable enough.

*Chris Morris. He should do much, much more TV stuff.



11/2017 Haunted (2017)


You'd think the Italians would've learnt how to make a decent film by now.

On the strength of this, no, they haven't.

Actually bad enough to be funny.

Doesn't appear to be an IMDB entry for this gem. Shame.

LIES! Here it is:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3530328/



11/2017 Thief (1981)


Crime flick (not a big surprise, given the title) about a sucessful, low-key heister/safe cracker who loses a big pay off after his fence gets murdered before he can convert a bundle of diamonds into cash.
Compromised, he has to work for a mob-like outfit which doesn't sit well with his solo artist practices.
All goes well for a while, fat paydays, legitimate businesses doing well etc., but then, as it normally does in such tales, it all goes bollocks up and our chap flops into a big vat of peril.

Good stuff, liked it a lot.



11/2017 Creep 2 (2017)


Sequel to the less numerically bestowed Creep, and essentially the same film. If you liked that one, you'll like this one.



11/2017 The Limehouse Golem (2016)


Jack The Ripper like series of murders has Victorian London all of a pickle.

London's shit enough now, but it would've been even worse for anyone poor back then.


"Dinner? I peeled some rats earlier, fry some if they ain't turned green yet"

"Cup your bollocks over the cobbles guvnor? Only a penny a mile"

"Spit bath! Get yer spit bath here! Shilling for warm, half shilling for cold"

"Open sewer boat rides, kids go free!"


We went on a guided tour of Highgate cemetery a few years back, (well worth doing, fascinating history stuffs) the guide explained how the average age on a pauper's grave in 1880s London was 22.


"Fred died yesterday"

"Well, he had a fair innings, he was 24."

"True. Good genes, his grandpa lived to be thirty."

"Thirty? Fuck off I don't believe it!"

"True, I swear!"



11/2017 Detroit (2017)


Film about some bent cops beating and killing unarmed black people in the early '60s. Thank golly things have moved on so much since then.



Oh.



11/2017 Jason X (2001)


A terrible pile of utter toilet, but we were apparently in the mood for such twaddle as we actually enjoyed it quite a lot. Which surprises me as much now as it did on the night.

I won't even describe the plot as, well, it's absolute bum-dumplings, but there you go.



11/2017 The Terminal (2004)


I didn't watch this, Podd did. Some flick about Tom Hanks missing his plane and deciding to stay in the airport for, like, ages and shit.




11/2017 Slumber (2017)


A doctor of sleepy people (Slumpologist? Pillowtrician?) discovers there's a family that's being tormented by a spooky entity while they sleep. She decides to help them in a plotcrash of Nightmare on Elm Street and Flatliners.

Think it was alright, can't really remember.



11/2017 American Assassin (2017)


Some young fella is on holiday when a bunch of jihadi ballsacks raid the beach resort and kill lots of people, including his girlfriend, who's just agreed to his proposal.
He reacts in the way any normal person would by turning himself into a home made Jason Bourne type fella. He goes off to kill those who ruined his wedding plans, which brings him to the attention of shady CIA types who decide he'd be a great candidate for their version of a Youth Training Scheme apprentiship.

YTS and apprentiships. If you're under 30, these are things that used to exist when you still had half a chance of getting somewhere in life in the U.K. if you weren't born into wealth.

Anyway, he does well and joins a furtive 'let's kill forigners' dept., having wee little adventures all over the world. Including, seriously, Croydon.
Although it's dressed up to be Turkey for some reason.
It's the same road I done my driving theory test in some years back.

CROYDON!!!





11/2017 A Bad Idea Gone Wrong


Two bumbling chancers break into a house to steal an item of great value, only to discover an unexpected house sitter who throws a spanner in the works.

Fun, lightweight stuff. Some amusing dialogue. Worth a go.

7/10

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5212918



Red Christmas (2016)


Nubbin-budget seasonal horror effort. I think they tried hard with what they had, but it still comes up short. If you're in a forgiving mood, there's some fun to be had, but I wasn't feeling it.



Hangman (2017)


Pisspoor serial killer flick.


2.5/10


Manchester by the Sea (2016)


I didn't watch this, Podd did. She seems to like these films about glum people living in bleak places having miserable times. I reckon she's secretly Russian or something.


*Edit* This was written before all the current fucking hoo-ha with Russia.




Sicario (2015)


Watched this again as I've enjoyed Talor Sheridan's other two films, Wild River and Hell Or High Water and thought I'd give this another go.

It's still too long, overly talky, humourless, convoluted and po-faced, but the early scenes involving the journey in convoy through a ghettoised city rising in tension and leading to a traffic jam shoot-out are exceptional.



Crooked House (2017)


Agatha Christie adaptation about a bunch of unbearable posh arseholes squabbling over the division of a sizable will and furtively killing each other.
I don't like the British fetish for making expensive period films about rich people living in massive houses all despising and plotting against each other, all that boating lake, cricket green, straw hat, Rolls Royce dogshit can fuck off up Julian Fellowes arse.
However, Glen Close was excellent in this, made it worth watching and it went off in a slightly different direction to what I was expecting.




November Criminals (2017)


A film about a high-schooler who turns detective after a good friend of his is murdered. The murder is seemingly dismissed as gang violence by the police too quickly and without merit.

The last film with a smiliar-ish plot we watched was 'Brick' a good number of years ago, and we binned that half way through as it was such pretentious ballsack, so we went into this expecting it to be probably rubbish, but it turned out to be mostly pretty flippin' good. So there, take that, expectations!