Wednesday, 31 December 2014

31/12/14 Dead Man's Curve (1998)

Meh.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0123034/
5/10



See you next year!


If we can be arsed.

31/12/14 Electric Slide (2014)

The real life story behind this film is interesting enough and it deserves a film much better than this tedious, poorly made, weakly acted, pretentious sack of bollocks.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0835775/
2/10


Nursey would also hate this film. It's shit.



30/12/14 We Still Kill The Old Way (2014)

Like a cover version of The Expendables made by Guy Ritchie's "special" cousin.

Not very good, but not as shit as the Expendables. That really is balls.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3157224/
4.85/10

Perkin.

29/12/14 Reservoir Dogs (1992)

The end of this film is a big close-up of Harvey Keitel's face. It's quite an odd face, up close.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105236/
8/10

Perkin.

Monday, 29 December 2014

28/12/2014 I Origins (2014)

The opposite of Son of a Gun this starts fairly so so but really drew us in.  It concerns biology boddery and reincarnation.  Features Brit Marling who we've yet to see in a duff film; check out her stuff if you can. The end is genuinely touching.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2884206/

9/10

Podd

28/12/2014 Son Of A Gun (2014)

Australian film where a young lad does 6 months in prison during which time he receives protection from being bummed by the prison bummer from Ewan McGregor (with his usual Scottish accent) and his goons. To show his gratitude he is expected to break Ewan & The Goons out of prison once released. Starts well enough but fails to maintain the pace and interest.

6/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2452200/

Podd

27/12/2014 The Elevator: Three Minutes Can Change Your Life (2013)

Woman takes a man hostage in a lift as an act of revenge. A fairly good basic concept spoilt by an unlikely back story and decent performances by the main two actors completely undermined by the worst acting of two bit parters (whose characters are unnecessary in any event). Almost worth watching for their screaming terribleness.

6/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2195552

Podd

27/12/2014 The Guvnors (2014)

Gangs and firms in Laaaahndon, geezer. Above average for a film of its type as it also includes an older generation of crims (now grown up and moved on) which gives a different take on the whole thing. Excellent casting of the younger version of the main character and the acting's not too shabby either. Also got Colin from Press Gang in it looking old.

6.5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2992524


Podd

27/12/2014 Let's Kill Ward's Wife (2014)

Comedy about a group of friends who decide to murder one of the group's pain in the arse wife. It's been compared to The Last Supper but reminded us more of Very Bad Things (which is recommended). Entertaining and actually funny in parts.

7/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2980708/

Podd

26/12/2014 The Detective (2007)

Cantonese murder drama/thriller about a detective hired to track down a missing girl. It starts off well but runs out of steam and interest.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1107807/

6/10


Podd

26/12/2014 Werewolf: The Devil's Hound (2007)

Oh dear. An insult to the genre which includes American Werewolf In London and Dog Soldiers. Embarrassing for everybody involved including us. Let's never speak of this again.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1068958

3/10


Podd


Sunday, 28 December 2014

25/12/2014 Among The Living (Aux Yeux Des Vivants) (2014)

We like Inside so much we tracked down the writers/directors' other effort. This also features Beatrice Dalle as a wobblebonk but unfortunately it's not a patch on Inside. Our expectations were possibly a bit high and we might have scored it less harshly had it been made by somebody else. It's about 3 young lads who happen upon some rum goings on at an abandoned film set and then they get tracked down by the killers who they witnessed.

6/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2473750

Podd

24/12/2014 Inside (2007)

It's become a considerably unwoolly and in fact a worrying tradition that we watch this on Christmas Eve, a film which is wrong on many levels but awesome. Don't watch with friends who are pregnant, of a sensitive nature or at all as they'll think you're a right odd 'un. Beatrice Dalle plays bonkers mad women so well.

10/10

24/12/2014 The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

It's become a woolly tradition that I watch this on Christmas Eve. Arguably Michael Caine's finest leading role although he is still out-acted by effectively some socks with eyes.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104940/

9/10

Podd


23/12/2014 The Drop (2014)

Barman Tom Hardy (with a slightly dubious Yank accent) is involved with some rum gangster types and also finds a cute dog. The dog is the best thing in it.

A bit flat and disappointing considering Hardy's recent efforts.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1600196

6/10

Podd

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

22/12/2014 Lava (2001)

This one caught us by surprise as it's easy to write off (or even switch off) during the first half an hour but it really won us over. The military nut played by Joe Tucker (who also wrote and directed) has some genuinely funny lines and his simple sidekick delivers a compelling speech at the end when he confronts the subject of his revenge.

7/10 Extra points for drawing us in!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0213053


Podd



21/12/2014 Double Whammy (2001)

Beige and unchallenging comedy where cop Denis Leary tries to recover his work reputation after dropping a bit of a bollock during a shooting. He gets caught up in two plots - one involving two unthreatening crims connected with a family in his building and one which involves shagging Elizabeth Hurley.  People wear clothes and say stuff.


5.25/10

Podd

21/12/2014 The Prey (2011)

French crime thriller where a bank robber escapes prison to track down his recently released ex-cellmate who's out to frame him, swipe his kid and claim his stashed bank job loot. What's the world coming to when you can't trust random people you meet in prison?!

7/10


Podd

20/12/2014 Redirected (2014)

Some of the most obvious and shameless up voting by involved parties on IMDb that we've noticed for a while. 8.2/10 from approaching 13,900 users? Phrpt! That's either bollocks or nearly 14,000 people love tepid sub-Guy Ritchie guff. "Recycled" would be a more apt title.

Would've been a flat average 5 but 3.5/10 for trying to mug us off like c****.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2275946/


Podd

20/12/2014 '71 (2014)

Well acted drama about a British soldier inadvertently left behind by his unit in Belfast after a riot. As anyone who knows a bit about The Troubles will appreciate, his presence isn't exactly welcome in some parts of the city. Jack O'Connell is as good as ever (we liked him before Angelina...).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2614684

8.5/10

Podd

Friday, 19 December 2014

19/12/14 The Device (2014)

Two women and a man find a black ball in a forest. Turns out it's some type of galactic orb or something. One of the women gets pregnant, might be a space-baby.


Space baaaaaaaaaaby.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3593120/
gotboredwatchingit/10


"Kneel before Thaarg! ...Or use me to play tennis"


Perkin.






19/12/14 The Equalizer (2014)

By-the-numbers action film that, for some reason, lasts for 2hrs 15mins. I preferred the Edward Woodward TV show.



Denzil Washington's a fine fellow, but for true entertainment you need a white-haired British pensioner politely punching unconvincing street toughs then driving away in a Jag.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455944/
5/10

Perkin.






18/12/14 Left Behind (2014)

A Wigolas Cage film about a pilot who's flying a plane when 'The Rapture' takes place.


For fuck's sake.

Y'know what, here's a song I made up on the spot last night whilst watching this, it will count as my review for this sack of fucking bollocks film:


video



http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2467046/
1/10


Perkin.

17/12/14 Bad Turn Worse (2014)

What should've been a cracking story about how small town boredom can so easily lead to low-level crime and the consequences of, instead became a boring film about people doing dull, people-y things and some tepid plot twists. Acting and all that very good, story not so much.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2873214/
5/10

Perkin.



17/12/14 Summer Of Fear (1978)

This was on the horror channel again. For some strange, masochistic reason we sat through it again. It's still shit. It was the afternoon, we'd been up late. I dunno, no excuse really.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078330/
4/10

Perkin

15/12/14 Horrible Bosses 2 (2014)

Early on in this film, within the first three or four minutes, someone describes new-born babies as looking like "potatoes with arms".

That's the only funny part of this film. Don't see it. It's terrible shit.

Fucking awful.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2170439/
1/10


Fuck this film and all like it.

Perkin.

15/12/14 Gone Girl (2014)

A man's wife disappears. He may have killed her, but he says he didn't. I struggled to care either way.

A film that is well made (acting, composition and whatnot) yet shit (not a single likable character, motivations seem unlikely etc.).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2267998/
5/10

Perkin.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

__/12/14 Raised By Wolves (2014)

Pretty decent found footage (yeah, another) film about a spooky house in the desert.

Like a dusty cross between Blair Witch and Lord Of Illusions.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2350852/
7/10


Perkin.

__/12/14 Dying Of The Light (2014)

Wigolas Cage finally manages to find a hairpiece that looks convincing, but then ruins it all by wearing a silly fake ear. Yes, fake ear.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1274586/
4/10


Perkin.

__/12/14 Tusk (2014)

Oh, Kevin Smith, how the mighty have fallen.

Self-referential shite about a man who talks shit for living being turned into a walrus by an insane old fella.

Michael Parks is the single good thing about this film. Johnny Depp appears to be telling a joke that only he will ever find funny.

Clerks seems like such a long time ago.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3099498/
2/10

Perkin.

__/12/14 Tell (2014)

Only two letters away from being titled 'Dull'.

It was.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2724236/
5/10


__/12/14 The Mirror (2014)

Found fotage film about a spooky mirror. Pretty good.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3547900/
7/10



__/12/14 Nightcrawler (2014)

Excellent film about a the voyeuristic morality void of the paparazzi and rolling news channels.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2872718/
9/10


Perkin.

01/12/14 Fear Island (2009)

I've seen this film loads of times before. Well, not this actual film, but when something's this generically derivative... etc.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1109583/
4/10

Perkin.

01/12/14 Dance Of The Dead (2008)

Well, hello there. Here are the films we've seen so far this month:

This was one of them. A bit better than you'd expect for a teen horror comedy.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0926063/
5.9/10



Sunday, 30 November 2014

30/11/14 The Lookalike (2014)

What an unlikely, contrived series of events.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2497980/
4.5/10

Perkin.

29/11/14 Witchboard (1986)

Even by the standards of 1980s films, this one is very '80s.

We decided to do a remake of it, see if you can spot the difference between the original screen capture and our remake:

Original.

Our remake.


Yeah, so, the film's a load of fucking bibble about a woman who gets possessed after pissing about with a Ouija board. Can't even remember what I was gonna type here. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090327/
ohfebvuefrhb/10








Perkin.




28/11/14 Asylum (2014)

Can't be arsed to explain the story behind this film, but it's funny enough to be worth watching.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2259858/
7.2/10

Perkin.

Saturday, 29 November 2014

28/11/14 Shooting Bigfoot (2013)

A documentary that turns out to be mostly fictional wank. The guy behind the camera is an annoying, pissy bitch as well.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2894158/
3.5/10


27/11/14 Convict (2014)

Another Australian film, something of a theme week for our viewing. This is a low budget film about a guy who gets sent down for a (justifiable) act of self-defence.

Normally a prison film with this level of financial backing would be a slaughter of cliches. Alright, this one does have the expected gangs, violence and dodgy shower moments, however it does also highlight the futility of doing time, the ugliness of the violence and even offers some well scripted, decently acted thoughts on ethnic identity in an age of multiculturalism and friendships forged in the pressure of an institution.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2893780/
7/10

Perkin.


27/11/14 Hello Ladies (2014)

Earlier this year we watched the stand-up show that spawned a TV series in the states that got cancelled and finished with this film-length tie-up. Proof that Stephen Merchant is much, much funnier without that unfunny cunt Ricky Gervais sitting next to him.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3762944/
7/10

Perkin.

26/11/14 The Mule (2014)

Australian film, essentially about a man who doesn't take a shit for two weeks. Much better than my laziness makes it sound.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2130270/
7/10


Perkin.

26/11/14 Two Moon Junction (1988)

When I finished watching These Final Hours, I wanted something a bit more lightweight. This was available. It's mostly a film about tits and penises. Louise Fletcher and Sherilyn Fenn offer performances way above the material they're working from. If you wanna watch a film that's possibly based on the cover of a Mills & Boon book taken from a charity shop shelf, you could actually do much worse than this.

The book would probably be called 'Southern Passions' or 'Heat of the Darkness' or something. Probably not 'Oiled Fist' or 'Floppy Growler'. But they'd be more fun.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096324/
5.9/10


Perkin.