17/07/2015 Scream (1996)

Perkin said when this first came out that it was shite and all the people flanneling on about it were wrong. I didn't think it was that bad. This was the first time I'd watched it in a long time. It really is that bad. Smug, too sure of itself, unlikeable characters, bad dialogue, shockingly obvious red herrings and too many sequels.

If you liked it at the time watch it again and see if you still do.

3/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117571

Podd

29/05/2015 Miami Vice (2006)

I think I wrote on the Blackhat plop about Michael Mann's terrible decline. This is when the free fall was underway.  I often quite enjoy films which got a critical panning (the Total Recall remake which also stars Colin Farrell, for example) but this is bad. The most impressive thing about this film is the straightness of Jamie Foxx's hairline.

As I side point I find it amusing that Colin Farrell is called Colin.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0430357

3/10

Podd

21/02/2015 Gnome Alone (2015)

In theory a film called Gnome Alone with Verne "Mini Me" Troyer sounds bloody awesome, but unfortunately it was pretty pants and we ended up putting something else on.

3/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3381068

Podd

27/01/2015 Shakes The Clown (1991)

Bobcat Goldthwait's first time writing and directing a film. Can see why he left it 15 years before trying again as imagine it got a few tepid reviews.  Plenty of people like it on IMDb though so perhaps it's just us who were underwhelmed.  Closer in quality to the later Police Academy instalments than Goldthwait's recent films and stand up.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102898

3/10

Podd

26/12/2014 Werewolf: The Devil's Hound (2007)

Oh dear. An insult to the genre which includes American Werewolf In London and Dog Soldiers. Embarrassing for everybody involved including us. Let's never speak of this again.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1068958

3/10

Podd

08/06/14 Sixteen Candles (1984)

One of the few John Hughes films of that era I hadn't seen.

Like the rest of his well known stuff, the moral of the film seems to be: Aspire towards conformity and material wealth. Fortune favours the attractive and wealthy.

Fuck that.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088128/
3/10

Perkin.

20/04/14 The Great St Trinians Train Robbery (1966)

Girls and young women in revealing skirts and a man blacked-up with a joke ethnic accent. Basically a UKIP conference.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060476/
3/10

Perkin.

01/02/14 Dead Of Nite (2013)

I think the makers of this film walked into a Wetherspoons and shouted "Who's willing to act for beer?"

Then they made this.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1975146/
3/10

Perkin.

01/01/14 American Hustle (2013)

This film was made in 2013, that feels like fucking ages ago.

Film's a tedious Scorsese wannabe bursting at the arse with massive actorly acting. Tedious, overlong  crap with pointless music and people in wigs.

Tries too hard and completely fails.

An anagram of this film's title is: Hamit Arse Uncle. That would be a better film.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1800241/
3/10

Perkin.

26/09/2013 Fright Night 2 (2013)

There's a reason why you didn't even know this film had been made.

Oh dear.

One can only conclude Jaime Murray gets her looks from her mother. Alas, she gets her acting ability from her father.

Scenes of shocking hammery.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2486630/

3/10

Podd

07/09/13 Konga (1961)

28 years after King Kong was made, some British people tried to remake it.

Surely, even fifty years ago, people must've thought this was terrible. Great entertainment though and funnier than most modern films even when they're trying to be funny.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055058/
3/10 but also 10/10

NOT A WIG!*

*Might be a wig.

"Here ya go. If you'd like anything stronger, I've got some chimp whisky"

Television was much more formal back then. Here's an early episode of Masterchef.

Latin name: Obviousphallus Erectus-veinyshaft

(Named after proffessor Jeffery Veinyshaft)

1960s sitcoms were not very PC. (Boxset available on UKIP video)

Leonard Surprisedface was a great actor, but sadly typecast.

"Kin' 'ell, Gladys. When you said a bit of roleplay, I didn't think you'd be this committed."

"Shut up! Now, bend me over and give me a 'silver back'..."

"Careful, Brenda! You'll have someone's eye out!"

Previously unseen segments of the Patterson-Gimlin footage throw some doubt on its validity.

Absolutely no issues with scale and effects more convincing than Jurassic Park.

"Got the time, Dave?"

"Yeah, five-to-ape."

Perkin.

06/07/23 Maximum Risk (1996)

Jean Claude Van Damme plays a chap who goes over to America to kick some people.

Has a car chase involving entirely French cars and not a single one breaks down. Movie magic, probably CGI or clever editing.

Le merde.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117011/
3/10

Perkin.

06/07/13 The Employer (2013)

Some people die in a room, Billy Zane does an impression of the Oxo Family dad.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1863203/
3/10

"Would you like some gravy?"

Perkin.

24/06/13 The Purge (2013)

America experiences what life's like in Croydon for 12 hours.

There's a good idea for a film in there somewhere, but it's very well hidden.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2184339/
3/10

Perkin.

27/05/13 Bullet To The Head (2012)

Sylvester Stallone tits about for 90 minutes looking like a tattooed ballsack, occasionally shooting people for 'a favour'. Personally, I'd prefer it if he just fucked off if he wants to help out.

Boring.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1308729/
3/10

Perkin.

12/05/13 Aftershock (2012)

A token Yank and his mates go on holiday in Chile, they pull some ladies and go to a nightclub. Then there's an earthquake and lots of people die.

Starts off indifferent, almost becomes good for a while then turns really shit.

Contains a fat bloke.

Cheers, fat bloke.

Perkin.

10/05/13 Breadcrumbs (2011)

Some people go off to a cabin in the woods to film a bongo-flick. There's some odd local young 'uns who live nearby. Some people die. Ends. No idea why it's called Breadcrumbs.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1219822/
3/10

Actual film poster*.

Perkin.

*Not really.

13/04/13 Mischief (1985)

Some teenagers try and get laid and stuff. Made in the '80s, set in the '50s, timelessly boring.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089601/
3/10

Perkin.

30/03/13 The Brain (1988)

A terrible film about a big brain.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094794/
3/10

A film called The Brain, starring a big brain.

Told you. Although it looks more like a scrotum/walnut hybrid.

'Blood Bear', not a great commercial success for Mattel.

"He's smelt the bacon! Drive! Drive! Drive!"

Early ipods: cumbersome.

Perkin.

27/03/2013 Spiders (2013)

A flawless piece of cinematic beauty. Well, no.  It is actually one of those rare terrible films whose badness make it compelling and entertaining. Evil space spiders arrive on Earth and hilarity, sorry I mean terror, ensues.

As a straight up film - 3/10
For unintentional humour and so-bad-it's-good factor: 9/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1659216/?ref_=sr_1

Podd