Monday, 5 June 2017

04/06/17 Dead Awake (2017)

A bit like a modern version of Elm Street... Yet somehow, even with the talent of Jocelin Donohoe, more shite than that series of terrible films.

Hey ho.

Meh/10


04/06/17 The Lego Batman Movie (2017)

Podd watched this as she didn't see it in the cinema when me and my brother did. She also enjoyed it.

8/10


04/06/17 Devil's Domain (2016)

Film about a bullied 18yr old girl who sells her soul for revenge, fame and lesbian sex.


Sadly not as interesting, fun or masturbatorially useful as that description would suggest. A fun idea weakly executed.

3.8/10

Perkin.

03/06/17 John Wick: Chapter two (2017)

The first was bad, this one is insultingly fucking piss-poor. Utterly terrible drivel, made presumably by and for cretinous 12yr old boys.

As for Keanu Reeves, his first screen credit on IMDB was from 1984. Proof, from an acting point of view, that practice doesn't make perfect.

Or even half decent.

Dude.


I'm sure, as a human, he's a fucking good guy, a quick read of his bio would suggest so, but, c'mon... I've seen traffic lights with more range on camera.

1/10


05/17 The Guest (2014)

Watched this again as I hadn't seen it for a few years and it's enjoyable nonsense. Imagine if Jason Bourne had done murders for fun instead of when necessary. Pretty much that.

7/10




05/17 Easy Money II: Hard to Kill (2012)

Swedish crime drama about Swedish criminals and their assorted dramas.

Pretty good.

Surprisingly absent amount of sauna based pornography.


Well, that's the lies we grew up with in the '80s.

7/10


05/17 A Dark Song (2016)

A bereaved woman hires an occultist to help her perform a complex, exhausting, months-long ritual that will allow her to talk to her dead son. After initially declining, her desperation twinges the small reserves of sympathy left in the misanthropic spell-caster and they begin the torturous process.

We here at 'Plop Towers have a thing for films with small budgets, small casts and small locations. Surely it's distilling the essence of what a story should be, when you take away the visual noise, and you're left with plot, dialogue and acting. If a film does that, and nails it, we're happy.

Aside from a rather silly ending, this one does a fine job. Cast of two, one house, compelling story and great acting.


Well worth a watch.

8.85/10


05/17 Lake Alice (2017)

A family go away for a pleasant Christmas in their isolated cabin and find themselves stuck in a generic slasher film instead. Hate it when that happens.


3.7/10


05/17 Welcome to Willits (2016)

Film about some innocent young folk who wonder into the territory of some crazed meth lab cookers who think the hikers are invading aliens. Starts off quite good, y'know, given the plot, but got too boring to bother watching by the end.

4/10


05/17 Kidnap (2017)

A film about a woman trying to rescue her kidnapped son. The plot's got holes big enough to throw an abducted child through, but it's enjoyable enough family-in-peril guff.

Peril. What a great word.

Be a good name for a pet as well.


Peril the fish. For example.
6.4/10


05/17 The Comedian (2017)

Robert De Niro plays a foul-mouth stand-up comedian who, nudging seventy, gets a second chance at making it big.


The plot is pretty much secondary to the gags, which, to his credit, De Niro does very well.

Bicklelaughs/10


05/17 Kill 'Em All (2017)

JeanClaude Van Damme (English: Jonathon Clyde Lorry Darn), is still terrible. Sadly he hasn't seemed to realise this.

Shite/10


05/17 I, Daniel Blake (2016)

Podd watched this as I can't bring myself to. She said it's excellent, I don't doubt for a moment that it is.

If you can't work out why, you've not read much of this blog.

If you're British and you read this, on June 8th, vote Labour.

If the option of a tactical vote is available in your area, where Labour aren't viable, that will unseat a Tory, use that.

Time is thin, chances diminishing, seize the opportunity to offer this country a better future.


If you're voting Tory, fuck you. Fuck your opinions. 


05/17 Mindhorn (2016)

If you've heard of this, you'll probably already have a fair idea what it's about. If not, to summarise: an ageing TV actor has to return to the location of his '80s detective show, in character, to assist police in finding a delusional murderer who thinks his character, the Mindhorn of the title, is real.
The trim dynamic actor of thirty years ago is now a forgotten, pot-bellied loser who needs a fake tan and a wig to emulate his previous self.

It's not much of a spoiler to say the actor/Mindhorn gets much more involved than planned, finding himself immersed in a conspiracy of murder, cover-ups, political corruption (on a local council level) and marital infidelity.


It's very silly and much funnier than we was expecting. Probably the biggest asset to the film is how it is very British, in a good way. Set on the Isle of Wright, with its modest locations and provincial status, the film doesn't try and pander to wider audiences, the fictional show's narrowness of vision, and the film playing it straight-faced make it all the more enjoyable.

8.58/10


05/17 Cool As Ice (Rifftrax) (1991)

Not sure having a team of professional comedians talk over this film actually makes it any funnier than it already is. With/without, either way you'll be laughing your dick off if you see it.


05/17 The Expendables (2010)

This was on TV and I couldn't be arsed to turn it over. Not sure why as I thought it was infantile shit the first time I saw it and my opinion hasn't changed. Note to self: Sometimes just turn the TV off.

1/10

Perkin.

05/17 In The Electric Mist (2009)

Tommy Lee Jones plays Sheriff Granite Craggyface, living in a humid swampy part of the southern U.S. Missing children, someone got shot thirty years ago, drunken actor, fighting and shooting. Not too bad.

6.4/10


05/17 Middle Man (2016)

A slobby, middle-aged man with dreams of becoming a standup comic decides to quit work, hit the road and give it a go. The only problem is that he's not funny, his idea of comedy is stuck in the genteel humour of 1950's radio plays, therefore his attempts to make a modern audience laugh fail miserably.

That is until he accidentally becomes involved in murder and dismemberment and works such deathly mishaps into his act. Which, to his surprise and reluctant gain, go down a storm.


The film itself isn't actually that funny, but it is certainly one that holds your attention due to its unusual tale. Or maybe it won't. How should I know? I'm not your attention span. 

6.8/10


05/17 Get Out (2017)

A young chap meets his girlfriend's wealthy parents for the first time. Turns out that they're right dodgy fuckers.

People have moaned about the racial aspects of the film, some that they're underplayed, others that they're included at all.
As is pointed out later into the flick, the racial element is pretty much an irrelevance. The true moral of this flick is don't trust rich people.


Good advice, worth heeding.

8.2/10


05/17 Red State (2011)

Watched this again as Podd hadn't seen it since our first viewing and we both think it's rather good. Which it is. 

9/10


Sunday, 4 June 2017

05/17 The Hunter's Prayer (2017)

Film about a hitman who decides he can't kill his latest target. Probably because he has a strange fondness for irritating children. Tries to be a bit Bourne, fails due to not being interesting enough. 

Like the last Bourne film.




05/17 XX (2017)

Four short horror films from assorted directors.


The second one was a bit pony, The Birthday Party, but the rest were pretty decent. Worth a go if that's your thing.

7.2/10


05/17 The Wolfpack (2015)

Documentary about a very strange family that had critics jizzing themselves blind but it is actually a fairly unremarkable story in a world full of fuck ups.


Not to say it isn't interesting and, by the end, very endearing, it is both. But, well, kinda forgettable.

5.5/10


05/17 Savage Dog (2017)

Film about a captive pit fighter in 1959 Indonesia who gets released after punching all the people then, after a short period of calm in his life, goes back to punching everyone or shooting those out of punching reach.


Takes quite a while to get to the main plot of the film, such as it is, yer basic revenge of a murdered innocent type thing, but actually enjoyable enough once it gets properly going. Very much like the dumb but fun action films of thirty years ago but with -slightly- better acting.

5.9/10


05/17 Bokeh (2017)

Two young Americans go on holiday to Iceland. One morning they wake up and the entire world's population has disappeared.

Apart from a bit of fun, they mostly mope about wishing everyone else was back rather than having a fucking blast of a time.

If I was in their situation, I would balance structure and fun to ensure I lived well in the absence of services and people we depend on but never got bored in this quieter world. My average week would go:

Monday - Naked food shopping for the week ahead.

Tuesday - House firebombing.

Wednesday - A nice nap.

Thursday - Drink driving.
Well, what difference will it make? 140mph in a 20mph zone... Nobody around to accidentally catapult into a building or anything. Although no one to high-five afterwards would be disappointing.

Friday - Shouting in libraries.

Saturday - Day at the beach.


Sunday - Roast dinner. Mostly tinned stuff. 

7.45/10