Tuesday 31 October 2017

Whisky Galore (2016)


Fluffy inoffensive remake of older fluffy inoffensive film.




Good Time (2017)


Some reviewers loved this, some thought it was painfully overacted, unlikely, overlong tedious bumwash. They were right.


Arse/10


24 Hours To Live (2017)


Ethan Hawke shoots lots of people in South Africa.

Handy as that country has definitely suffered from a lack of strife since its formation.



Wind River (2017)


Professional squashyface man, Jeremy Renner, helps a lady solve a crime in a snowy part of America. Probably Florida. Big gunfight at the end. Which if you like gunfights, is definitely one of the better ones I've seen in a long time. Not sure the physics were based in reality, but very dramatic stuff.



Atomic Blonde (2017)


A tall lady in silly clothes kicks the bollocks out of lots of German people in a pretend version of thirty years ago.



Badder Ben: The Final Chapter (2017)


The third film in the 'Ben' series. The first was a decent effort. Literally a YouTube level project done by one fella in his house with impressive coherence and some good chills.

The second was weaker and a little boring.

This one's milking the good will too much. Shame.

That said, I'd rather sit through a thousand amateur efforts with a little passion and fun in them, like this, than the huge majority of high budget shite... Etc., I've said all this before too many times.



The Devil's Toy Box (2017)


Found footage spook effort. Again, can't remember much.

*Strains hard*

Nope, can't recall much at all on this one.

How about a song instead?

Laa, la la la la, la la la la, la laaaa!

Hope you liked it.



It (2017)


Clown. Balloon. Children. Sequel coming.



"Do yer like balloons, kid?"

"Fuck off, nonce!"

Found Footage 3D (2016)


Watched this after we'd had a rare evening out on the wobble-pop so I can't remember fuck all apart from finding the characters annoying. 

Might give it a second try as reviewers have said it's a good effort.
Still, film reviewers are full of bollocks, so I'll probably hate it.



Shortwave (2016)


A young couple who have recently lost their child* become obsessed with cracking the secrets of a shortwave message code. The closer they get, the more bizarre events around them become, leading to everything going a bit tits-up by the end.

*Stop that shit now, you unimaginative screenwriter pisswand. The whole 'Their life was perfect on the outside, but the grief of their lost child was tearing them apart' thing is fucking tired.
Obviously it happens to some people in real life, I can't even begin to imagine the utter decimating emotional impact, but film after film after film has done this.
You want people to hear 'your voice'? Develop one first rather than flopping onto the matress of cliche.




The Wall (2017)


Some soldier people in a warzone are caught in the sights of a sniper's rifle and have to take shelter behind a wall.

Bit of a spoiler there, but so's the title.

Not bad, ending's a bit bumular though.

6.75/10


Negative (2017)


Even after reading the discription for this one, I don't remember it. Must've watched it though.

It was either brilliant, shit, or somewhere between. Spin a wheel or something and decide for yourself then choose the appropriate phrases from below to make up the review:

'This was so terrible, I pushed a stick into my eye for sensory relief'

'This film was so good, I went off in me trousers seven or eight times during the first viewing'

'S'alright'



1922 (2017)


Thomas Jane (Oh bollocks) is better than most toilet he acts in (Oh, OK) in this long-winded tale about a man who murders his wife then is haunted by his actions. Sort of. Slow moving throughout but by the end it really felt like it was dragging.



Jungle (2017)


Daniel Potter gets lost in the woods. Based on a true story.


Meh.


Wheelman (2017)


Decent low budget flick about a criminal courier/driver getting in above his head.
7/10



Yogi Bear (2010)


No idea. It's on the list. Must've been Podd.



Bad Day For The Cut (2017)


Excellent (one or two plot contrivances aside) Irish revenge film.

As in the film's Irish and set in Ireland, not someone performing an 'Irish Revenge'.

Which would be, er, I dunno? Bashing someone with a leprachaun in a sock?



Apologies to anyone from Ireland who might read this.

But that's fucking unlikely considering so few people from anywhere do.

8/10



Reasonable Doubt (2014)


Generic and predictable but watchable flick about a lawyer who turns a blind eye then realises he's dropped a bollock when his client gets a bit murdery.



A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square (1979)


Daft old Brit heist flick. I'd seen it before, about 35 years ago. Not too bad.



Nice Guy (2012)


Tiny budgeted film about a respectable everyman chap who bumps into an old friend who is involved in dodgy criminal underworld stuff. He increasingly becomes involved in his chum's world leading to all the usual unpleasantness and realisations that come too late.

7/10



Better Watch Out (2016)


Australians pretending to be Americans find themselves in a home invasion flick that turns into something very different, and much better than I was expecting, about a third in.


7/10


Offerings (1989)


Some silly nonsense from the '80s about a murdery spazzmo who decides to kill all those who tormented him as a youngster.

As it was made in the '80s, and set in the '80s, it'll probably get remade by some '80s obsessed prick who wasn't even alive back then as so many arseholes are still so obsessed with that decade. For some reason.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't without merit, but for the most part it was very similar to the times we live in now, but with shitter haircuts and no internet.

I typed a load more shit to go here, but I deleted it because it's boring and who cares?




The Mechanic (1972)


Charles Bronson plays a leathery suitcase with a side-line in contract killing. Jan Michael Airwolf plays his young trainee. Yeah, it's alright. Also has a good ending.



Cardboard Gangsters (2017)


Low budget Irish film about some low level criminals and the scrapes they get into. Bleak but realistic and has a good ending.




War For The Planet Of The Apes (2017)


Ceasar, Plip-Plop, Kenneth, Doorbell and Woowoo (can't remember all their monkey names, prob something like that) are back for the final bit about when they fucked off away from the last humans and built Monkeyworld.

It's alright, but like all films when another species go up against the humans, there wasn't nearly enough of the humans getting torn a new arsehole.

Far too peaceful. I'd love, as I've said before on here, just once to see a film where us humans encounter a more capable foe and get fucking destroyed.
No third act where the pluck, bravery and ingenuity saves us from defeat. None of that cockwash where Will Smith pilots a craft onto the mothership or Jaquin Phoenix whacks the piss out of some creature with a baseball bat, just complete annihilation.
 As would happen.
I know I'm comparing angry apes with aliens, but fucking hell, have you seen a Silverback in real life? Just one of them could twat an entire pub full of wankers.



Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)


Total shite, but Tom Holland's Spidey is likeable enough to make it actually fun. Some young person Podd knows went to school with Tom Holland and claims that it's not an act, he's just a straight-up decent fella. I'll give it the benefit.

Pretty decent of me really as I normally want to drop-kick anyone under 30 through a window.


So well done, me. I probably deserve most of the recognition for this film's success with all things considered.




American Made (2017)


Small, shiny faced man Tom Cruise does things. Fascinating true story turned into a punishingly bland popcorn flick.


4/10

"24inch inside leg, Sir?"
"That's right, I like to leave room for turn-ups."

The Show (2017)


A film set in a (presumably) near future where reality TV has crossed one of its few remaining boundaries and offers big money to those willing to kill themselves live on air.

It doesn't have the same satirical bite as the fantastic 2001 film Season 7 The Contenders, but it does enough to remind the viewer what a fucking dumb world we appear to be opening the door to.

7/10



Cold Moon (2016)


A small town spooker that's half decent, half twaddle. Watch it yourself, but try and stick to the good half.






Gerald's Game (2016)


I own a Jaguar S-Type. I've wanted a V8 engined car for thirty+ years and over here in the UK, if you're on limited budget your options are few.
It's got nearly 300 horsepower and can be comparable to driving a strange combination of a stately home and a jet fighter. Civilised, relaxing and refined, but also fast as fuck (by most standards) and allergic to retaining fuel for too long.

I don't actually like Jags though. I imagine them being factory fitted with a Nigel Farage autobiography in the glovebox, probably with some cunty title like 'Outsider's Chance' or 'Gobshite Wankfrog', and spending most of its short life being sat in the car parks of west Surrey golf clubs.
The sort of thing an Alan Partridge character would purchase in his sixties for weekend use and the occasional 'blast up to The Costswolds'. Sure you get the idea.

Anyway, if they're more than a few years old (16 in mine's case) their value, along with vital mechanical components, seem to fall out of their arse with each journey. In the year I've owned it, it's spent most of its time sat outside doing nothing whilst deciding what part I need to waste my next day off trying to fix and how much of my income I can piss on it that month.

At some point in this film, an S-Type gets smashed into a tree and mangled to oblivion. I was tempted to take a screenshot, have it made into a poster and hang it in front of the car as a warning. Keep fucking with me, and I'll do this, you four-wheeled ponce.

Also, 'Four Wheeled Ponce' would be another good title for a book if Farage got into travel writing. The cunt.

That said, flooring the angry on that thing pedal reminds me I'm alive better than most things do these days.

Also, this film's pretty good apart from the last fifteen minutes when it becomes a big pile of 'Eh?'



Moonlight (2016)


Podd watched this whilst I was at work. Which is where I am now. One of the benefits of having to work Sundays is that they're usually pretty quiet which gives me time to tap away at old crap like this, the fiction I enjoy writing which has an even smaller readership than this blog, and, indeed, occasionally watch other rubbish films.

Anyway, dunno if this one's any good or not. It's about some young fella who has a fondness for other men.

And their penises.



I'm in my forties now. I should grow up.



6 Days (2017)


Billy Elliot kicks in a window in the 1980s, Kate Adie forgets how to talk properly.

7.2/10




Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story Of Cannon Films (2014)


Done by the same guy who done the excellent This Ain't Hollywood. Not as good as that, but still worth a watch.


7/10