Sunday, 30 April 2017





































Friday, 31 March 2017

12/04/17 Kong: Skull Island (2017)

A giant fucking monkey has a fight with some evolutionary impossibilities.

Anyway, this is shitey McShitewank, but definitely much better than the Peter Jackson fucking rubbish from a few years ago.



12/04/17 A field In England (2013)

Watched this again as so many people seem to think it's fucking brushed with magical, brilliant cocking amazingness...

But, no, it's actually just as shit as I remember. Fuck this wank.

I stand by my initial thoughts:



11/04/17 The Bye Bye Man (2017)

Starts off pretty good, a man goes on a murderous rampage whilst gibbering about something that cannot be spoken of.

Forty years later, some young people accidentally uncover what it is he didn't want to talk about.

Generic but fair enough.



10/04/17 Stratton (2017)

Based on a novel, directed by and starring people who do film things for a living and still manages to be screamingly piss-terrible.

Particular mention goes to Connie Nielson whose attempt at an upper class English accent is delivered in the style of someone who is still under heavy sedation after particularly invasive dental surgery. Truly terrible.


However, from a hilarity point of view, Miss Nielson kinda makes it worth a watch.



04/17 Groundhog Day (1993)

Podd watched this, I didn't. Although I have seen it. As has everyone.

Silly enough fun.


03/17 The Void (2016)

.Have you ever stayed awake at night thinking "I wish there was a Canadian film that was like a cross between Prince of Darkness, The Mist and Hellraiser"?

Well wish no more!

Er, that pretty much sums it up. It's not quite as good as any of those three, but it's a flippin' solid effort if you like your horror to be eerie, bloody and, er, horror-y.

Definitely worth a go.


03/17 Misfortune (2017)

Mini-budget crime flick that tries hard and mostly succeeds.


03/17 The Bigfoot Project (2017)

Mockumentary about a group of nerdish, socially inept film makers looking for bigfoot in the woods.

Well, obviously, you don't go looking for them in an airport or something.

Anyway, it's rather unpolished, but it did make me laugh much more than I thought it would, so, yeah, not too bad. Served its purpose.


03/17 Peelers (2016)

.Some reviews have said this is a bit of a future cult favourite due to blah, blah, blah, blah.



03/17 Traded (2016)

TV film style western. Man goes to Dodge City to right some wrongs. Gun fights. Fist fights. Shooting. Horses. All that stuff.


03/17 The Rift (2016)

.Cheap, generic, forgettable horror/sci-fi effort. Can't even remember how it ended or if I was still watching when it did.

03/17 Bloodrunners

Vampire film. With its prohibition era setting and nice period details, this is almost good. Sadly, it's boring boringy-ness kinda ruins it.


03/17 The Stakelander (2016)

The first one, Stakeland, is very good, this one not so much. Not terrible or anything, just doesn't have the bleak, washed out sense of hopelessness that the first did.

Blimey, films are a funny thing. You couldn't ever use 'bleak, washed out sense of hopelessness' as a positive in a review many other things:

A restaurant. 'The moribund potatoes were a delight'

A creche. 'The sense of forlorn loss on the faces of the children present was greatly entertaining'

A massage parlour. 'Concluding with a very unhappy ending. Five stars'

A holiday camp. 'Vorhees was nothing if not attentive, ensuring that each attendee was run through with the machete at least once per day'


03/17 Ibiza Undead (2017)

.I wanted to like this as, apparently, it was made for little more than pocket money and asking people nicely.

It was pretty tepid though.

There, see, I can be polite.


03/17 Altitude (2017)

.Pretty sure the poster tells you everything you need to decide for yourself if you wanna see this.

03/17 Rogue One (2016)

.History Channel documentary about World War Space.

03/17 Dusk (2015)

.A chap wakes up to find his wife has disappeared. He receives a recorded message telling him what he must do if he wants to see the ol' trouble 'n' strife again.

And so he begins his quest to find her.

I can't say too much about this as the entire plot balances on a twist that is both an entire warehouse of nonsense, but also kinda excellent. We both assumed it'd be something very different right up until the big reveal.

Yes, definitely a great twist but you not only have to suspend disbelief you have to place it in a lead box and throw it into a lake to accept it.

When the film finished we said "That was somehow really good and totally bollocks at the same time."

Dunno, have a watch, decide for yourself.


03/07 The Night Watchmen (2017)

.Cheap, silly and fun vampire film very similar in content and style to (the also very enjoyable) Bloodsucking Bastards.
If you liked that, you'll like this.

If you haven't seen either, but think you'll enjoy a low budget film about vampires attacking an office building, both are worth a go.

Although you might think they're both shite. I dunno, I'm not you.


03/07 Cut To The Chase (2016)

.A guy looks for his missing sister. The sorta film Channel 5 used to put on at 9pm on a weekday. 

03/17 Ghosts Of Darkness (2017)

.A low budget Brit spooker about a pair of paranormal investigators (one a psychic/medium believer, the other a sciencey sceptic) who are offered an arseload of wedge to stay in a haunted house for a few days and try and explain the long list of eerie mishaps that have occurred in the place to the various owners over the centuries.

It's a bit ropey, the pacing's slack, some of the dialogue is weak and it shows it's lack of budget, however it has some good moments, the performances are mostly OK, Paul Flannery is especially entertaining as the psychic, and some of the effects are fun and I've seen much worse that cost a lot more.



Tuesday, 28 February 2017

02/2017 Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Australia's most average man wins a trip to New York.


02/2017 Victor Frankenstein (2015)

I watched this a while ago, here:

Podd watched it more recently. She was a little kinder to it than me, seemed to quite enjoy it.

02/2017 The Goonies (1985)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. I must be one of the few people who, as a child in the '80s, never saw this. Still haven't. Thought it looked shit then, still think it looks shit now.

Probably shit/10


02/2017 I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore (2017)

Macon Blair, chum to/star of Filmplop fave Jeremy Saulnier's flicks, has written and directed his own.

It's a story about a woman trying to reclaim possessions stolen from her in a burglary. Her strange neighbour teams up with her and they go looking for her gear encountering many peculiar folk on the way.

For the first twenty minutes this feels like it's gonna be a drab, uninvolving film but it's just laying the groundwork for the off-centre, very funny, well acted, exciting nonsense/caper it turns into with a fairly bonkers ending.

Must be something good in the water in whatever town Blair and Saulnier come from. Cracking stuff.



02/2017 Devil In The Dark (2017)

A pair of brothers try and reconnect over a few days hunting in the mountains. However there's 'something' up there with them.

Gets better as it goes along and ends very well.


02/2017 Operation Avalanche (2016)

A mockumentary style story about the moon landings being faked.

I once got in a cab where the first thing the driver said was that it was a full moon.

"Oh yeah," I said, looking out the window, "Very bright one."

"Yeah," he replies "Always had problems with the moon. Makes me feel funny. You know, affects my mood."

You meet the strangest of folk.



02/2017 The Assignment (2016)

A hitman ...Nope I can't be bothered. Look up the plot for this bloody nonsense yourself.


02/2017 Logan (2017)

A film that pretends to be a reflective, sombre study of how time catches up with us all, no matter how resillient you may be to its effects.
Although it's still mostly about car chases and genetically engineered soldiers with robot hands.

It also feels like it's too little, too late. The first two X Men films were cracking good fun and felt like something different. However their success is, at least in sizeable part, responsible for the saturation, the absolute avalanche, of increasingly tedious, bland, homogenised and plain boring superhero films that, along with the now yearly Star Wars flick, seem to utterly dominate and suffocate popular cinema.

If there had been a gap between the first two films and this one, it could well have made it into my, I dunno, top 200 films?
It would have had a much more potent impact, the story of how even the strongest of people weaken with age, both physically and in the force of their convictions, if we had seen the young and heroic Wolverine saving the day then, two decades later the battered, scarred shell he'd become.

That is of course wishful thinking when talking about films, or most things in this world, when the reality is that anything that can be commodotized, exploited, exposed and profited from will be commercially wanked to death ensuring that every last drop of cash has been squeezed from our collective cock.

So, yeah, it is good, we did like it. It does have a little of the tonal rawness such a film deserves, the performances are all excellent. It even, early on in the film, flirts with making a few political statements, in that spineless, Hollywood kinda way. The action scenes are done well although there isn't enough of them (I know that sounds a little contradictory, but when all's done, you want an angry Wolverine ripping the fuck out of the bad guys!), there's some decent chuckles and it's visually spot-on...

But it's too tarnished by its association with the films before it.

Probably my favourite thing about this film is that it lead Charlie Brooker to describe Wolverine as "looking like a cross between Noddy Holder and a cutlery drawer".

02/2017 Don't Kill It (2016)

Dolph Lundgeren plays a fellow who bimbles around small towns trying to stop them being taken over by a murderous demonic enitity who passes from one person to the next by leaping into the body of the person who kills the current host.

A bit like the film Fallen, but much cheaper, sillier and more forgettable. Fun enough for what it is.



02/2017 Friday The 13th 7 (1988)

At which point, surely, the promotional material for the camp would include the phrase 'Possibility of not dying, but no guarantees given. Breakfast at 7am'

02/2017 Friday The 13th 6 (1986)

The makers of these films really fucked with the formula on this one. Some teenagers get killed at a campsite by a chap in a mask.

Blew my mind.


02/2017 Timerider: The Adventure Of Lyle Swann (1982)

A motorcycle racer/stunt rider takes his bike out for a spin and rides past an unlikely machine which sends him back in time where...


He becomes his own great-great granddad.

By banging his great-great grandma.

Bloody heck, that'd be an awkward one at family get-togethers.

"I ever tell you about your relatives from New Mexico?"

"Er... Prob best to leave that branch of the tree unexplored, Grandpa"



02/2017 Demolition (2015)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. Someone decides to bash the wank out of his house due to issues or something.

02/2017 Split (2016)

A small Scottish man pretends to be numerous other people whilst keeping some brats company. Actually not too bad and McAvoy is superb.



02/2017 Brokeback Mountain (2005)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. Controversial at the time as two actors pretend to be cowboys who enjoy a spot of the ol' bumming. Gosh, how very boundary pushing.

I dunno, chuck many millions at a production, hire two young, cinegenic actors to look emotionally conflicted and explore a side of sexuality that both confuses and comforts them, and the world weeps in support as they hand over the Oscars.

However, dress up in a gimp suit and throw DVD copies of 'Leathery Fist Pluggers' at people on a commuter train and you get a furious Daily Mail piece.

It's one rule for them... Etc.

6/10 (According to Podd)


02/2017 Fist Fight (2017)

Fist Shite.



02/2017 Bullets For The Dead (2015)

Zombie western... I think. Dunno, have a look on IMDB and decide for yourself. I'm writing this two months after I watched this dribble at 2am or something similar.

02/2017 Einsteins God Model (2016)

Bit of a creaky Sci-Fi effort, but the ideas are interesting and some of the effects are cool.



02/2017 Don't Hang Up (2016)

A pair of YouTube prankers get the tables turned when someone decides to give them a taste of their own fucking nonsense.

If only more 'online personalities' were made to suffer horribly. Don't get me wrong, I was born a couple of decades too early to have any great awareness of the people who inhabit and support that world, but, from little I've seen, a great number of them could really do with at least a bloody good shoeing.

I mean obviously, a big part of that opinion is because I'm a portly, balding, middle-aged grumpfuck who's shitting away his life watching crap films and doing a ballsack job who would love to earn my keep pissing about in front of a camera and having fun like these horrid little smiley-faced hairstyle streaks of piss, but, also, much of the output offered by these e-kids is utterly devoid of personality, originality or any kind of substance and fill the gaps with empty, brightly coloured screechy fucking nothingness.

I guess, from that perspective, age doesn't matter and we're all wankers.

Don't you just love the way I stay focused on the films I'm reviewing?

02/2017 Bornless Ones (2016)

A young woman moves to a cabin in the middle of nowhere as she believes it'll help the long-term recovery of her brother who was left quadra-spazzed on a life-glug* in a car accident some months before.

Sure enough, before they've unpacked their slippers and DVD box sets, the brother shows great signs of improvement by getting up, walking around and murdering someone. Unfortunately his recovery is mostly down to some unpleasant demonic spirits using his body as a carriage to get up to all sorts of mischief. Those pesky ancient entities!

Like many, many other films it pretty much becomes a cover version of Evil Dead, but unlike many others it does enough right to be enjoyable in its own right.

That is enough for you to decide if you wanna watch it or not.

*Ta, Chris Morris. I wish he'd do loads more stuff. He made TV in the '90s worth watching.