Saturday, 30 September 2017


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.


Review here soon.

Friday, 29 September 2017

(09/2017) Hickok (2017)

The Hemsworth who isn't the Thor or Hunger Games one plays Wild Bill Hickok.  It's not bad but it's no Carry on Cowboy.


(09/2017) Killing Hasslehoff (2017)

Not as bad as anticipated (such novelty films are usually terrible). A guy goes to extreme and unlikely measure to pay off a loan shark.


(09/2017) X-Men 2 (2003)

The usual enjoyable nonsense. Most of them look noticeably younger.


(09/2017) Jackals (2017)

A family take back their son from a cult but the cult attack the house to get him back. Meh, he was a bit rubbish and they had another kid so should have just booted him out.

Some quite nasty homemade weapons feature.


(09/2017) It Comes At Night (2017)

Joel "In Every Film Now" Edgerton is holed up with his family in a remote home keeping safe from a mystery threat which randomly seems more infectious at night. Some strangers turn up and move in with them for a while. Stuff happens. All goes a bit wrong in the end.


(09/2017) The Box (2009)

Shit box more like


(09/2017) Jackass 3 (2010)

No description required really.  Instead I'll tell you Johnny Knoxville's real name is Phillip Clapp, Steve-O is from Wimbledon and Bam now looks like his fat dad.

They're nearly 50/10

(09/2017) The Dictator (2012)

Another solo Perkin view. Scored it 2/10 on imdb so couldn't have thought much of it. Sacha Baron Cohen is pretty shit for the most part.


(09/2017) Radical Jack (2000)

Perkin saw this and described it as a Billy Ray Cyrus version of Road House. Likely as bad as it sounds.  Also stars Dedee Pfeiffer, Michelle's sister, who made What Lies Beneath the same year. 2000 must have been an awkward Pfeiffer family Christmas.

Billy Ray Cyrus used to be known for Achy Breaky Heart and having bad hair, now he's known for being Hannah Montana's dad. And having bad hair.


Billy: "This is a better look than the mullet, right?"
The World: "No"

(09/2017) House on Haunted Hill (1959)

Perkin watched this, he might write a review.

(09/2017) An American Werewolf In London (1981)

This has been reviewed multiple times before as I watch it every time it's on.



(09/2017) Unlocked (2017)

Toni Collette has terrible hair in a film about a CIA interrogator being double crossed by everyone. It's actually quite dull.



(09/2017) The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)

Ryan Reynolds is a bodyguard hired to protect an important witness. Samuel L Jackson turns up as his nemesis from the past. All very unlikely but enjoyable in a slightly embarrassing way.



(09/2017) I Am A Hero (2015)

Japanese zombie film following a manga artist who escapes to mount Fuji with a school girl (but not in a rum way). They end up meeting up with other survivors at a shopping mall. What is it about zombie apocalypses which makes everyone want to go shopping?



(09/2017) Bushwick (2017)

Texans invade New York trapping the big serious fella from Guardians of The Galaxy and an annoying girl who then try to escape.  The Texans are actually numerous, organised and have proper weapons, rather than being a couple of random stetson wearing Trump voters. Although they probably are Trump voters.

Co-written by Nick Damici who we are fans of.



(09/2017) Savageland (2015)

Documentary style film investigating rum goings on in a town on the Mexico border. A man is accused of the murder of all its inhabitants but a roll of film tells a different story. 

A different take on the found footage genre and an above average effort.



(09/2017) ...And Then Everything Changed (2015)

Average zombie film following 5 separate people trying to escape Houston. Seem to remember the effects were ok.


Thursday, 31 August 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Mini Groot is great. The rest of this flick is utter dogshit, just like the first.



Creepozoids (1987)

Pictures tell a story better than words.

Croydon 2017

"In OUR area?"

"I've had it up to here with your bloody excuses! It's me or the job, Gary!"

"But, Miriam..."

"No! No more!"


Fare (2016)

A cabbie picks up a fellow. Turns out they know someone in common, the cabbie's wife. But only one of them has been having regular sex with her.

Tensions mount and the truth comes out. The wife joins them in the car and they head out into the sticks where... Well, the last ten minutes go off on something of a tangent which is either completely "Eh?" or pretty good. Not sure which.

Overall, though, the film's definitely a good effort. Low budget, single location (well, a mobile, drivey one), small cast and a good script. Just what we like.


Among Us (2017)

People keep moving house trying to escape from blah, blah, blah ghosts n' shit.

Takes too long to end, but not utterly ballsack.

Brave New Jersey (2016)

Film about a small town getting in a spin after mistaking the infamous Orson Welles Broadcast for a genuine Martian Invasion.

Not as funny as it should've been but pleasant enough.


Going In Style (2017)

A bunch of pensioners, all in their '70s or '80s, pull off a bank heist to get back their corporately stolen pensions.
Alternative titles, taking influence from other heist films, could include 'Dog Day Afternoon Nap' or 'Deep Heat'.

Yeah, ta and all that.


It Stains The Sands Red (2016)

Yeah, it's a zombie film, but it's also a film about love, loss and parental responsibility... And much more worth seeing than that makes it sound. The start is a little weak, but stick with it, genuinely good!


Sleight (2016)

A young fellow has a keen interest in conjouring, however it doesn't pay the bills so he works as a general goon for a local drug dealer.
Things go tits up with the dealer and his life's in peril. Can our plucky hero use the power of magic to save him and his loved ones?



Drone (2017)

Sean Bean has a secret job as a drone operator, not even his family know what he really does, thinking he works in I.T.
Which he kinda does, but it's definitely at the murdery end of the industry.

Mr Bean (LOL etc.) struggles with the morality, or lack thereof, in his workplace activities, he's also having a hard time with domestic issues and, well, things ain't going too well when a fella introduces himself under the pretence of buying Beany's boat...

Actually, this is a pretty decent film. No big surprises, but very, very good. Worth a go.


Security (2017)

Antonio Banderas (Anagram: Bad Onion Arse Ant) plays a former military fellow who takes the only job he can find as an unarmed shopping mall security guard.
Whouldya believe it, his first night on the job and a team of well equipped, heavily armed bad chaps arrive to create all manner of explodey, shootey mischief, the utter cads!

Mr Bad Onion and his team of dundering co-workers fight back.

Nonsense, but fun.


Imperfections (2016)

A modest and woolly crim-com about a young lady getting involved in diamond heist of sorts.

A bit more convoluted than it needs to be, and derivative for sure, but pleasant enough ol' guff if you want something undemanding.


Shot Caller (2017)

A chap starts off being a normal, mild-mannered, decent, law-abiding fellow with a mid-level white collar job, home, wife and baby on the way.
Then, one small, accidentally fatal mis-hap followed by two decades in jail and he's a high ranking member of the Aryan Nation and happy to murder anyone who gives him the arse with a sharpened toohbrush.

That's not to sarcastically dismiss what is actually a pretty decent prison/crime flick.


Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Do kids have brilliant attention spans these days or is it a case that as long as they're in front of a screen, of whatever size, the E-number voices cease screaming in their heads?
Dunno, but I am left wondering why the cocking bollocks this endless river of fucking comic based films have such long running times.

Anyway, this one was just as tediously forgettable as the others but at least some of the characters are likeable enough.


Minutes Past Midnight (2016)

A (mostly) Canadian horror anthology effort. Some good, some bad, some clever, some shite. Same story as most of these things. Worth a go if you're into them.

The Collection (2012)

First one's much, much better although this is still watchable enough generic horror stuff.


Rocknrolla (2008)

Thought this was shit when I saw it in the cinema. It was still shit when I watched it on TV.


68 Kill (2017)

Frenetic splatter crime nonsense. Ripping good fun it is too.


The Fiend (1972)

Vintage Brit horror about a small church who put the mental in fundamental. Not to mention the chuckles in 'First church of St. Chuckles The Killer of Innocents'.

Yeah, the film's OK, odd, cheap, old and British (I was called something very similar recently) but it holds your attention with its strangeness and peqeuliar characters.

Also, one of the cult-like church attendees in the film went on to win a series of Stars In Their Eyes and now makes a living as a professional Shirley Bassey impersonator. Yes.

Phoenix Forgotten (2017)

Found footage film... I probably don't need to say anymore. If you're into them, or at least don't mind them, then this one ain't too bad at all.

The Gracefield Incident (2017)

People go on holiday in a cabin and find a meteorite after it dramitically falls to Earth in the woods nearby.

Turns out it's from an alien planet. They want it back.

A bit hokey, but not too bad and a rather pleasing ending.

Message From The King

A chap comes over to L.A. from South Africa to find his beautiful but troubled sister who's dropped off the radar.

Not too much of a spoiler alert to say he's a little late. He discovers she fell in with a dodgy crowd who we happy to assist in her demise.

He then proceeds to beat the living wank out of the bad guys.

Imagine the last 45 Steven Segal films but if they were well acted and actually worth seeing.


Monday, 31 July 2017

31/07/17 First Kill (2017)

Generic but watchable small town crime effort.

...Er, that's about it really.



30/07/17 Humanoids From The Deep (1980)

Silly old nonsense.

Kinda fun though.

*Sheriff Biscuit out on patrol*
"Deputy Hopper, do you copy?"

"Copy that. Go ahead, Chief"

Just stopping for a quick 470 beers with the fellas.

"Kenneth! How are you?"

"Blimey! Hello, Gary! Haven't seen you since the barbeque. Miriam here?"

"Yup, just nipped off to the shitter."

Fans of shit British cars will be 'impressed' by this Yank-spec Triumph TR7

"wanna see my broom handle?"

"Don't let them get to you, Ronald. They jus' bitch-ass playas, you get me?"

"Fo' real. Haterz be hatin'"

The funfair comes to Croydon.

"Read me some more of your poetry."

"One more, then to bed. You've got a big day at school tomorrow."