Sunday, 31 December 2017

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Red Christmas (2016)

Nubbin-budget seasonal horror effort. I think they tried hard with what they had, but it still comes up short. If you're in a forgiving mood, there's some fun to be had, but I wasn't feeling it.

Hangman (2017)

Pisspoor serial killer flick.


Manchester by the Sea (2016)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. She seems to like these films about glum people living in bleak places having miserable times. I reckon she's secretly Russian or something.

*Edit* This was written before all the current fucking hoo-ha with Russia.

Sicario (2015)

Watched this again as I've enjoyed Talor Sheridan's other two films, Wild River and Hell Or High Water and thought I'd give this another go.

It's still too long, overly talky, humourless, convoluted and po-faced, but the early scenes involving the journey in convoy through a ghettoised city rising in tension and leading to a traffic jam shoot-out are exceptional.

Crooked House (2017)

Agatha Christie adaptation about a bunch of unbearable posh arseholes squabbling over the division of a sizable will and furtively killing each other.
I don't like the British fetish for making expensive period films about rich people living in massive houses all despising and plotting against each other, all that boating lake, cricket green, straw hat, Rolls Royce dogshit can fuck off up Julian Fellowes arse.
However, Glen Close was excellent in this, made it worth watching and it went off in a slightly different direction to what I was expecting.

November Criminals (2017)

A film about a high-schooler who turns detective after a good friend of his is murdered. The murder is seemingly dismissed as gang violence by the police too quickly and without merit.

The last film with a smiliar-ish plot we watched was 'Brick' a good number of years ago, and we binned that half way through as it was such pretentious ballsack, so we went into this expecting it to be probably rubbish, but it turned out to be mostly pretty flippin' good. So there, take that, expectations!

The Rendezvous (2016)

An adventure film set in distant lands with likable enough people doing adventure-y things.

Amityville: The Awakening (2017)

Is a really, really shit film so I ran the title through an anagram generator to see if produced any film titles that sound more interesting than this was:

A Leakage evil hymn nitwit.

Alienate a Kelvin wig myth (Somewhere in California, Nicolas Cage has just woken with a start!)

Why alienate a milking vet?

A Manatee wetly hiving ilk! (Fuck me! Whatta film!)

Imaginatively whelk a ten.

Load of ol' whelk/10

Sweet Virginia (2017)

The owner of a run down hotel befriends a young drifter who checks in for a few nights. Meanwhile lots of local crime things happen! Yeah, pretty good.


Totem (2017)

We'd had a few beers the night we watched this, so I can't remember much of it. Remember thinking it was pretty standard horror stuff.

Thumper (2017)

A young ladyplod goes under cover as an even younger non-plod in a small town that has a drugs and crime problem. Pretty good.


Logan Lucky (2017)

Supposedly great film that managed to disguise itself as a generic heist flick with a derivative plot and little worth watching.


Justice (2017)

Western film. Can't remember a great deal about it, but I think we liked it. Probably involved horses, saloons, pistols and big hats.

No Beast So Fierce (2016)

A chap gets out of prison after twenty years, and decides to try and rebuild his life and family, both of which have left him behind for two decades.
Only problem is, a couple of days before getting out, he gets on the wrong side of one of the prison gang leaders. Now, as well as trying to trace his family, he has to avoid any revenge encounters from the gang's contacts on the outside.

It's a low budget, grubby film about low budget, grubby people and a pretty decent one too.

The Humanity Bureau (2017)

Wigolas Cage plays Pippin Woodlouse, a chap who works for the Humanity Bereau, a government dept. that decides if citizens are contributing enough to society to remain in what's left of a (barely) functioning America, or if they should be moved onto to the mysterious New Eden.

Obviously, like all dystopic futures, the promised land of New Eden turns out to be a place where things are really rubbish and probably just a big death camp with giant mutant rats and bumrape.

Wiggo decides his latest family in for assessment are too gosh darn decent to be sent off to certadoom, so he helps them escape and whatnot.

Starts off interesting, stays interesting, drags a bit, ends very averagely.

The Dark Tower (2017)

Stephen King adaptation. It's alright.

Infinity Chamber (2016)

A chap wakes up in a futuristic jail cell and must try and outwit the computer that controls the staff less prison he's in.

A bit like a one man version of Cube, but not as good.

Better than the Cube sequels though, they were all utterly crap.

Radius (2017)

A chap wakes up with amnesia after an accident and discovers he's developed magical powers! If anyone comes within fifteen or so feet of him, they instantly die.

He meets a woman, turns out she was a passenger in his car during the accident, who is the only person immune to his radius of death. When she's within the radius, she negates its effect. They then decide to try and find out who they are and what the bloody flip is going on.

Mayhem (2017)

Some kinda crazy juice gets in the water supply of an office building and sends all the workers into a murderous fury of rage and lust. Blah blah blah, you can figure out the rest. Good enough if you like that sorta thing.

11:59 (2005)

Low budget guff about a chap who keeps waking up in a field miles from home, unable to act convincingly. Think there's some guff about time distortion or something going on. Dunno, got too bored to take any notice.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

See below.


Dog Soldiers (2002)

I can't be arsed to tap away about this film again. It's bloody ace. If you disagree, you're a pooface.


Carry On Follow That Camel (1967)

Little seen war film. Pretty much Saving Private Ryan but in a desert.

The Cannonball Run (1981)

I can remember seeing the adverts for this film on TV when it was due out in cinemas. Not sure why it stuck with me for so long. At that age I was more interested in, er, I dunno. Not sure what I was into as a child at the start of the '80s. Lego and chocolate probably.

I remeber around that time we all got measured to see who was the tallest in the class. The kid who was taller than me was off that day, so I was tallest. Or, as I saw it then, I won. Kids are idiots.

He insisted on being measured when he came back and became the tallest kid in class. Little wanker. I ain't forgotten.


The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

Podd watched this as she'd been meaning to for ages and hadn't. But now she has. She quite enjoyed it.

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Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Whisky Galore (2016)

Fluffy inoffensive remake of older fluffy inoffensive film.

Good Time (2017)

Some reviewers loved this, some thought it was painfully overacted, unlikely, overlong tedious bumwash. They were right.


24 Hours To Live (2017)

Ethan Hawke shoots lots of people in South Africa.

Handy as that country has definitely suffered from a lack of strife since its formation.

Wind River (2017)

Professional squashyface man, Jeremy Renner, helps a lady solve a crime in a snowy part of America. Probably Florida. Big gunfight at the end. Which if you like gunfights, is definitely one of the better ones I've seen in a long time. Not sure the physics were based in reality, but very dramatic stuff.

Atomic Blonde (2017)

A tall lady in silly clothes kicks the bollocks out of lots of German people in a pretend version of thirty years ago.

Badder Ben: The Final Chapter (2017)

The third film in the 'Ben' series. The first was a decent effort. Literally a YouTube level project done by one fella in his house with impressive coherence and some good chills.

The second was weaker and a little boring.

This one's milking the good will too much. Shame.

That said, I'd rather sit through a thousand amateur efforts with a little passion and fun in them, like this, than the huge majority of high budget shite... Etc., I've said all this before too many times.

The Devil's Toy Box (2017)

Found footage spook effort. Again, can't remember much.

*Strains hard*

Nope, can't recall much at all on this one.

How about a song instead?

Laa, la la la la, la la la la, la laaaa!

Hope you liked it.

It (2017)

Clown. Balloon. Children. Sequel coming.

"Do yer like balloons, kid?"

"Fuck off, nonce!"

Found Footage 3D (2016)

Watched this after we'd had a rare evening out on the wobble-pop so I can't remember fuck all apart from finding the characters annoying. 

Might give it a second try as reviewers have said it's a good effort.
Still, film reviewers are full of bollocks, so I'll probably hate it.

Shortwave (2016)

A young couple who have recently lost their child* become obsessed with cracking the secrets of a shortwave message code. The closer they get, the more bizarre events around them become, leading to everything going a bit tits-up by the end.

*Stop that shit now, you unimaginative screenwriter pisswand. The whole 'Their life was perfect on the outside, but the grief of their lost child was tearing them apart' thing is fucking tired.
Obviously it happens to some people in real life, I can't even begin to imagine the utter decimating emotional impact, but film after film after film has done this.
You want people to hear 'your voice'? Develop one first rather than flopping onto the matress of cliche.

The Wall (2017)

Some soldier people in a warzone are caught in the sights of a sniper's rifle and have to take shelter behind a wall.

Bit of a spoiler there, but so's the title.

Not bad, ending's a bit bumular though.


Negative (2017)

Even after reading the discription for this one, I don't remember it. Must've watched it though.

It was either brilliant, shit, or somewhere between. Spin a wheel or something and decide for yourself then choose the appropriate phrases from below to make up the review:

'This was so terrible, I pushed a stick into my eye for sensory relief'

'This film was so good, I went off in me trousers seven or eight times during the first viewing'


1922 (2017)

Thomas Jane (Oh bollocks) is better than most toilet he acts in (Oh, OK) in this long-winded tale about a man who murders his wife then is haunted by his actions. Sort of. Slow moving throughout but by the end it really felt like it was dragging.

Jungle (2017)

Daniel Potter gets lost in the woods. Based on a true story.


Wheelman (2017)

Decent low budget flick about a criminal courier/driver getting in above his head.

Yogi Bear (2010)

No idea. It's on the list. Must've been Podd.

Bad Day For The Cut (2017)

Excellent (one or two plot contrivances aside) Irish revenge film.

As in the film's Irish and set in Ireland, not someone performing an 'Irish Revenge'.

Which would be, er, I dunno? Bashing someone with a leprachaun in a sock?

Apologies to anyone from Ireland who might read this.

But that's fucking unlikely considering so few people from anywhere do.


Reasonable Doubt (2014)

Generic and predictable but watchable flick about a lawyer who turns a blind eye then realises he's dropped a bollock when his client gets a bit murdery.

A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square (1979)

Daft old Brit heist flick. I'd seen it before, about 35 years ago. Not too bad.

Nice Guy (2012)

Tiny budgeted film about a respectable everyman chap who bumps into an old friend who is involved in dodgy criminal underworld stuff. He increasingly becomes involved in his chum's world leading to all the usual unpleasantness and realisations that come too late.


Better Watch Out (2016)

Australians pretending to be Americans find themselves in a home invasion flick that turns into something very different, and much better than I was expecting, about a third in.


Offerings (1989)

Some silly nonsense from the '80s about a murdery spazzmo who decides to kill all those who tormented him as a youngster.

As it was made in the '80s, and set in the '80s, it'll probably get remade by some '80s obsessed prick who wasn't even alive back then as so many arseholes are still so obsessed with that decade. For some reason.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't without merit, but for the most part it was very similar to the times we live in now, but with shitter haircuts and no internet.

I typed a load more shit to go here, but I deleted it because it's boring and who cares?

The Mechanic (1972)

Charles Bronson plays a leathery suitcase with a side-line in contract killing. Jan Michael Airwolf plays his young trainee. Yeah, it's alright. Also has a good ending.

Cardboard Gangsters (2017)

Low budget Irish film about some low level criminals and the scrapes they get into. Bleak but realistic and has a good ending.

War For The Planet Of The Apes (2017)

Ceasar, Plip-Plop, Kenneth, Doorbell and Woowoo (can't remember all their monkey names, prob something like that) are back for the final bit about when they fucked off away from the last humans and built Monkeyworld.

It's alright, but like all films when another species go up against the humans, there wasn't nearly enough of the humans getting torn a new arsehole.

Far too peaceful. I'd love, as I've said before on here, just once to see a film where us humans encounter a more capable foe and get fucking destroyed.
No third act where the pluck, bravery and ingenuity saves us from defeat. None of that cockwash where Will Smith pilots a craft onto the mothership or Jaquin Phoenix whacks the piss out of some creature with a baseball bat, just complete annihilation.
 As would happen.
I know I'm comparing angry apes with aliens, but fucking hell, have you seen a Silverback in real life? Just one of them could twat an entire pub full of wankers.