Tuesday, 30 September 2014

30/09/14 Alpha Alert (2013)

Currently watching it. Putting this in here so that it registers under the correct month.

I could even 'live 'plop' it as an exclusive first.

Probably won't bother though.


30/09/204 Seance On A Wet Afternoon (1964)

Excellent vintage flick about a married couple who kidnap a child so that the wife, who works as a medium, can add credibility to her professional claims by involving herself in the investigation, offering information that will prove correct and raise her public profile in the wold of spirit communication.

You could say she's a small medium trying to get bigger.

Ho ho.

Anyway, even though that set-up is essentially total bum wash, the film is great. Made during the tail end of that period when England had a moustache and wore a tie to bed, it does suffer from being slightly stuffy, but that fades as it goes on, and by the end of it becomes quite a dark, troubling story. The tension in the bag of cash handover scenes particularly impressed me.


"Move along now, madam. Nothing to see here."
"Shush now, battyman, else I shank you bad style. Get me?"

A member of the 'Hells Chaps' motorcycle gang.

'Hot wicking' was the drug craze for the kids back then.

By 1964 standards this was quite a hot Girl-on-Girl scene.
Seriously, this film is obsessed by beaver.

"Now Miriam, if you flip this switch, it'll make our Austin bounce up and down like all my O.G. homies back in South Central. Low-rider life, yo."

"Gary, you're fifty-two."

"I love pictures."
(Note: I haven't altered this screencap in any way.)

Told you!!!


29/09/14 The Terminator (1984)

I've got the DVD, Blu-Ray and (somewhere) the VHS of this film and have probably seen it hundreds of times over the last thirty years. I never stopped enjoying it.

But as I've spaffed on about it so many times, instead of repeating myself, here's a picture of a grumpy looking dog with a comb-over:

He's not very happy, is he?!



29/09/14 American Muscle (2014)

You remember the early days of Channel 5? Adam Faith had a point, but Podd and I used to greatly look forward to the utterly shite film they would put on at 9pm on weeknights. It would almost always be some terrible cop/revenge action film with some incredibly generic title like Unchained Vengeance or Iron Justice or some shit.

Anyway, this was like one of those films but made fifteen years too late.

In fairness, the action scenes and some of the landscape shots are done well, but the bleakly unpleasant, misogynistic, weakly acted other bits are just kinda shit.



Monday, 29 September 2014

28/09/14 Inhuman Resources (2012)

Weak but watchable twaddle about a nutty fellow who kidnaps people and forces them to type. The gore is very well done, everything else is a bit of a reverse pyramid, quality wise.



28/09/14 From Beyond The Grave (1973)

Amicus anthology film. You know the sort of thing.


Peter Cushing's in this, making it better than most things.

I love how minimalist, tasteful and contemporary '70s interiors look.
Either that or they just threw loads of gaudy, mis-matched shit together and lived in front of it.

"The white pyjamas, Leopold?"
"Yes, Thelma. It's Thursday. As ever, I shall be brief and disappointing."

"Let me massage your chair for you, Sir."
"Terribly kind. Thank you, Cribbins"
"My pleasure, Sir."

"Let me compress your head for you Sir...
Ooh, lotta tension in your wig."

"Why is my piano silent?"
"It's a table."

Julian Assange has left the embassy and is believed to be hiding in 1973.

"I'm Jack Nicholson's taylor"
"Are you?"



28/09/14 The November Man (2014)

Not yet released, popular video streaming site, etc.

Pierce Brosnan plays a former CIA spook who gets asked to return for one more job.

Actually much less like the kinda popcorn fluff I was expecting, and much more like the Bourne films. But without the same level of excellentness as the Bourne films. Which are very excellent.

Not including that fourth Bourne film. That was a shed full of shit.

And in this film, it's like Jason Bourne, but with a bus pass.

Anyway, not brilliant, but certainly worth a watch.


Jason Perkin, Berlin hotel room. Rolled up magazine to the face.

27/09/14 Don't Blink (2014)

A group of friends go on holiday to a fancy lodge hotel out in the middle of nowhere then things turn a bit creepy and the vacation turns bollock shaped.

Yeah, I know, shockingly unexpected set-up for a spooky film, eh?

However, unlike almost every film ever made that starts out like that, it doesn't go down the expected slasher route or rely on gore over plot. It's much more of a mystery than a horror, never really offering any resolution to the central question of what's happening to the people who are disappearing, but the ambiguity works in its favour.

Also it's good to see a film like this where most of the cast are well into their thirties or forties rather than the usual teenage arseholes.



22/09/14 Run Like Hell (2014)

Utterly terrible, certainly by most standard measurements of what defines a film's quality, flick about some numpties who become the targets of a murderous redneck gang.

Although you'd have to view the film on a near-forensic level to spot anything original, it is, somehow, kinda fun. And I'd rather watch something that's dirt cheap and shit but honest than another plastic, franchise turd shit out by the money factory studios.



Sunday, 28 September 2014

21/09/14 Beneath (2013)

A bunch of miners and a young ladywoman go to the pub then get trapped down a mine.

Nothing new, but well made and the spooky bits are pretty well done.



--/09/14 Holocaust 2000 (1977)

Basically a crap version of The Omen. Enjoyable though, in the way that so many films from the '70s look so dated yet were played so seriously.

This poster probably tells you everything:



--/09/14 The Exorcism Of Emily Rose (2005)

I saw this when it first came out and though it was quite good. I saw it again recently and thought it was a bit cabbage.


"Bloody hell, that tree's got a bit foggy."


--/09/14 Hazard Jack (2014)

Some bloke kills loads of idiots who are having a party in a disused hospital or some such. Right ol' floppy todger.



--/09/14 Torture Chamber (2013)

Blimey! Even by my recent standards I've been a bit slack in keeping this up to date. So, yeah, the dates are a bit vague and whatnot.

I only saw this within the last fortnight and I've already forgotten most of it. I remember that it was completely bum though.



Thursday, 18 September 2014

17/09/14 Dead Within (2014)

Two people are stuck in a house after things go zombie shaped. 2012's Before Dawn, with people from Emmerdale, done the same thing better.



16/09/14 Cannonball (1976)

Nothing to do with the Cannonball Run films although it's also about a bunch of people racing cars. Incredibly colourful, in the visual, colour-y sense. The acting, action, plot and all that shizzle are crap, but it's easy to watch due to the aesthetic vibrancy.

Bloody hell, I just typed 'aesthetic vibrancy', what an arse-womble.

Still if you love old cars and colours, it's worth a go.


"Do you know how much of a cock you look in that hat?"

"You hum it, I'll play it"

Road sheds were a significant contributor to accidents in the '70s.

"Fuck me, Gary! What happened?"

"Hit a shed."

Of course, being a film about cars, that cunt Jeremy Clarkson has to get in on it.

What else do you need? I've always loved getting petrol and drunk at the same time followed by a burger.

"How do I quantify a colour? Alright, it's very, very red. Happy?"

"Bit of advice for the future Mr Carradine, things round the neck, well..."

"Went for drive. Stopped for nap. Lovely"

"How much?"
"You or the old girl?"
"Both at the same time"
"Fifty quid"
"Jump in"

A chase between a Charger and a Mustang worked really well in Bullitt. Will they recreate the magic in this? 


And everything else.

They were casual and permissive times, the mid-70s.

"A nice cup of tea, then I'll crash into a shed."


15/09/14 Dangerous Days: On The Edge Of Bladerunner (2014)

Film length documentary about a film.

The two main things that struck me was how much Ridley Scott is up his own arse and how good Darryl Hannah still looks.

And Rutger Hauer's rooftop scene is brilliant.

No IMDB, but it's possibly still available to watch on the BBC website.

That's the film that it's about. It's about a grumpy man who fucks a robot.

14/09/14 Plastic (2014)

Some young people do a crime and stuff then go abroad something, something, jewellery theft, double cross, shoot-out in a hotel, average.



14/09/14 Edge Of Tomorrow (2014)

Basically Groundhog Day but with Tom Cruise in a robot suit and no jokes.

Source Code done it better a couple of years back.



14/09/14 Honeymoon (2014)

Two Brits pretending to be American are on holiday in a fancy shed after getting married. Things go a bit wobbly and the ladywoman might have been replaced by an alien or monster or something.

Cracking little horror.



13/09/14 Whitewash (2013)

That guy from the wine film who looks a bit like he's wearing someone else's face over his own plays a fella who drives a snow plow.

One day he drives it over his mate. He then runs off to live in the woods.

Pretty good.