Friday, 31 May 2013

31/05/13 The Facility (2012)

A group of people decide that £1000 a week is enough to let some probably qualified doctors inject unknown drugs into them.

Turns out that the drugs have various side effects: trembling, nausea, hallucinations, murderous rages and make your head expand and go puffy.

It all goes a bit bollock-shaped as people start succumbing to the drugs and attacking the others whilst they're all trapped inside a locked-up hospital/lab type place. Bit like a low key 28 Days Later.

Still, grand a week? Probably be worth a punt.

Slow moving but decent.


Thursday, 30 May 2013

29/05/13 Unforgiven (1992)

Just as good as when we watched it last year.


29/05/13 The Impossible (2012)

Highly profitable film about the worst natural disaster in living memory as seen from the perspective of a beautiful white family.

So that's OK then.
Seriously fucking dubious morality aside - 6.2/10


29/05/13 Warm Bodies (2013)

Cross between Twilight and Zombieland that's considerably better than both. But that's not saying much as they're both a right load of ol' ringpiece. Although lots of idiots seem to like them.

Far from amazing, but quite often funny, good natured, and has moments of originality.


28/05/13 Green Zone (2010)

Set during the early days of the enduring Iraq fuckup, Matt Damon plays the only man in film world who slowly becomes aware of what fucking everyone in the real world was aware of, the fact that the war was based on a massive heap of wank.

Realizing that things might be a bit iffy, Damon goes off to save people by shooting other people.


27/05/13 The Double (2011)

Richard Gerebox wears a suit and things happen.

Wonder if there's any truth to those hamster rumours?


27/05/13 Bullet To The Head (2012)

Sylvester Stallone tits about for 90 minutes looking like a tattooed ballsack, occasionally shooting people for 'a favour'. Personally, I'd prefer it if he just fucked off if he wants to help out.



Sunday, 26 May 2013

25/05/2013 Crank (2006)

Jason Statham checklist:-

Unshaven with a gruff manner - check
Saath London accent or dodgy Yank accent of indeterminable origin - check
Unlikely character name (Chev Chelios) - check 
Fights - check
Car chases - check
Guns - check
Things inexplicably blowing up - check
At least one shirt off scene - check
Ludicrously improbable and/or convoluted plot - check
Enjoyable old bollocks - check



25/05/2013 Snitch (2013)

The Rock (now billed as Dwayne Johnson but everybody still calls him The Rock) agrees to go under cover for the DEA in a bid to reduce his son's drug sentence (he was set up by a "friend"). Surprisingly it's enjoyable, well acted for the most part and only one thing blows up. Susan Sarandon looks frighteningly good for a woman in her mid-60's.



24/05/2013 Last Kind Words (2012)

Boy moves to country and forms a friendship with a local girl.  Odd things start to happen in the forest and an unsavoury past is revealed.  Not much actually happens but it's well acted and keeps you interested.



24/05/2013 Widow On The Hill (2005)

Predictable TV film about a foxy nurse hired to care for a dying woman who goes on to marry the recently widowed rich bloke who employed her. Shockingly she turns out to be eeeeeeeeeevil and a golddigger.  Suspicions should have been immediately aroused when somebody as stunningly non-ugly as Natasha Henstridge starts buttering some old dude's crumpet.  My late nan's carer (labelled harshly but accurately by my uncle as "Hairy Jackie With The Tattoos") didn't look much like her.



Wednesday, 22 May 2013

22/05/2013 Home Sweet Home (2013)

Smug annoying couple return home from a date night and discover an intruder in their home. The film appears to have a budget of more than $10 and somebody who knows how to operate a camera but it's unoriginal and the twist is arse.  You also can't help thinking the intruder has a point as the couple are extremely smug and annoying and do annoying smug things like go on date nights and have annoying smug hair.



21/05/2013 The Illusionist (2006)

Edward Norton is a magician in Vienna in the time when all men had beards and hats. He is reunited with his childhood sweetheart who happens to be getting hitched to an evil prince. It sounds crap but it's actually very good.



Tuesday, 21 May 2013

20/05/13 Inseminoid (1981)

Fucking hell! I had to check this wasn't Italian, it's that goodbad!

Seriously, it's a hilarious Alien rip-off, possibly budgeted using gravel rather than actual money. Filmed in Chislehurst, Kent, and scripted using some form of potato prints.

If films were sexual experiences, the original Alien would be a classy, fragrant union in a five star hotel. This film would be a drunken, blurry wank behind a disused skip.

Both great fun, but very different experiences. To stretch the comparison.

Well worth watching.

"Press the alarm button and I kill Michael Stipe!"

You dirty space-tart!


"You'll only feel a small prick."
"He's not wrong there!"
"Shut-up, Miriam!"

"Hello, I'd like to order a space pizza"

"Got the wrong number, you space-twat."

Sadly this scene didn't go where I was hoping.

Mutant laser space-baby!


20/05/13 Dirty (2005)

Film about corrupt (Dirty) cops with violence, booze, drugs, gangs, tattoos, fur coats and a surprising inability to be interesting.

Title very disappointing for those searching for a  bongo vid.


20/05/13 The Hidden (1987)

A cross between The Thing and Alien Nation. Not as good as either, but still very entertaining, even with dialogue bad enough to make your face fold in.

Wonder where this drew inspiration from?


20/05/13 Timecop (1994)

Johnny-Claude Transit-Ham plays a copperplod who can travel through time. If it needs more explanation  you've never seen one of his films before.

Obviously it's shit, but as enjoyable as anything else the wonky-voiced, half-pint Belgian has been involved in.

Although I did like No Retreat, No Surrender when I was 13.

I was a bit of a cock back then.

Well, even more than I am now.

Poncey haired twat.


19/05/13 The Place Beyond The Pines (2012)

Sounds like a furniture shop to me. Dunno, I didn't watch it, Podd did. She says it's better than expected and an 8/10. So there you go.


Sunday, 19 May 2013

18/05/2013 Intruder (1989)

Old, shit slasher film with the most hilarious fight scene recorded and some surprisingly good gore.


18/05/2013 Wild Things (1998)

Now looks quite dated and Denise Richard and Kevin Bacon look noticeably younger.  STILL the only memorable scenes are Richards/Campbell kissing and Kevin Bacon's cock.  And they happened far less than I remembered. Meh. Needs more cock and more kissing.



18/05/2013 McVicar (1980)

Roger Daltery plays John McVicar. For any non-Brits, McVicar is a real life, former criminal who has since made a career of being a former criminal with a typewriter.

Most of this film takes place in prison and portrays prison life as some kind of Beano-vision, youth club version of incarceration. Apparently, every criminal in the '70s was a decent sort who had the misfortune of getting caught.  We'll ignore the fact that, in reality, they were probably a right shower of cunts. This being (loosely) based on fact does make me curious about a few things though. Mostly:

How factual was the paper mache prison escape?

Was McVicar really that much of a midget?

How did Stephen Berkoff manage to ever get hired again after this film?

Very flawed, but worth a look, especially to get a peek at Britain four decades ago.


18/05/2013 Paper Moon (1973)

Depression era con man Ryan O'Neal acquires a child who may or may not be his daughter. Turns out to be a handy accessory to his scams.  It's filmed in black and white so it's all arty and stuff.



17/05/2013 Daybreakers (2009)

Saw this when it first came out and thought it was arse. Given a second viewing, it turns out it's actually not a bad little spin on the whole vampire thing.

At some point in a pretend futureworld, humans have become the minority and most people have been 'turned', resulting in a vampire majority population. Including Ethan Hawke whose character is some doctor fellow who refuses to drink human blood as he's, like, some Guardian reading type who objects on moral grounds.

There's some nice touches like daytime cars that are completely blacked out and allow driving via externally mounted video cameras (like my Dad's Peugeot camper van has for reversing) and are fitted with U.V. detectors.

Anyway, humanity perseveres and the goodies win. End.

17/05/2013 Dark Circles (2013)

Sleep-deprived new parents go a bit wibbily in their new house.  Is it just the lack of sleep or have they bought a big spooky house of evil?



Thursday, 16 May 2013

16/05/13 The Slayer (1982)

Bumular old nonsense about some people who go on holiday on an island to frolic on the beach, do some fishing, avoid smiling and get murdered.

Really bad twist at the end.

"Is Gary coming out?"
"No, he's grounded."

No wind in this shot, just really dynamic hairstyles back then.

Told you. The jumpers are a bit gash as well.

"My Spring/Summer collection this year features mostly neutral colours with the occasional dash of pastels"


Wednesday, 15 May 2013

14/05/13 Mississippi Burning (1988)

I remember watching this when it was fresh out on VHS, at the time I thought it was pretty powerful stuff. It still is.

Rare that the 1980s threw up a film that not only documented the history's failings but also had the balls to grimly present society's ills so graphically.

The fact that this film is just as relevant today as when I saw it 25 years ago is fucking depressing.

Fucking people.


Tuesday, 14 May 2013

14/05/13 Night Of The Living Dead: Resurrection (2012)

Fucking hell, if Wales wasn't shit enough, zombies are biting people outside of newsagents. Eyebrows, Fritzl, Shotgun. Terrible film that has the cheek to affiliate itself with the one you've heard of.

I'd love to champion this film as it's a micro budget Brit-flick, but it's a hat-full of floppy tits. I was tempted to put my foot through the TV and send Wales the bill.

A man's arse in a shop.

After his jam, Toby liked a nap.


Monday, 13 May 2013

12/05/13 Switchblade Romance (2003)

Good of the Horror Channel to remember that a percentage of their viewers can read, treating those brainy rebels to the subtitled version of this film rather than the dubbed version.

Anyway, great French horror film that makes no sense.


12/05/13 Aftershock (2012)

A token Yank and his mates go on holiday in Chile, they pull some ladies and go to a nightclub. Then there's an earthquake and lots of people die.

Starts off indifferent, almost becomes good for a while then turns really shit.

Contains a fat bloke.

Cheers, fat bloke.


11/05/13 Last Passenger (2013)

Some people are on the late train from London to Hastings. The driver decides he will kill all the passengers by driving the train really fast, presumably until it smashes into the buffers at Hastings, creating no end of architectural improvement to that charm of the south coast.

The passengers include a doctor on his way to work in A&E who is taking his 8yr old son to work with him, a professional blonde flirty woman, an angry businessman, an east European fella and a kindly older lady.

It's like a terrible B-movie that somehow managed to get credible actors to play the parts thus making it unexpectedly better than it should be.

"Poot! Poot!"


10/05/13 Breadcrumbs (2011)

Some people go off to a cabin in the woods to film a bongo-flick. There's some odd local young 'uns who live nearby. Some people die. Ends. No idea why it's called Breadcrumbs.

Actual film poster*.


*Not really.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

07/05/2013 Sleepy Hollow (1999)

That rare gem of a Tim Burton film which doesn't feature Helena Bottom-Carter.  Silly, camp and good fun.  Johnny Depp and Christina Ricca are skilled swooners.



06/05/2013 After Hours (1985)

Griffin Dunne has a rough night (although not as rough as being killed by a werewolf).  Entertaining 80's nostalgia despite being light on laughs and the situation being easily resolved by just walking home.



05/05/2013 The Numbers Station (2013)

John Cusack is a special agent assigned to look after the cypher bod and station which transmit coded signals to agents in the field.  It all goes a bit tits up. Which is just as well as otherwise it'd make a dull film.  It's pretty good.



Sunday, 5 May 2013

04/05/13 Iron Man 3 (2013)

Robert Downey Jnr plays a gobshite inventor of impossible gadgets, but you probably know that as the entire world has seen at least one of these films.

Anyway, 14 years ago, Tony Stark tells Mike from Neighbours to meet him on the roof in twenty minutes and decides to blow him out and shag some woman who collects exploding plants instead.

After waiting for a while on the roof, Mike realises that Stark isn't coming and decides that'll he'll get his revenge by turning into an angry glow-worm, buying a nice house for Ben Kingsley and blowing people up with his army of glow-bombs.

Too long, plot holes you could reverse Denmark into and too much CGI. However, as (I assume) this film's mostly made for kids, it's one of the better enormo-budget efforts. First Iron Man's by far the best though.

Also, I kid you not, Croydon is mentioned.

Me and my brother saw it in Croydon. It was a magic, Croydon-y moment.

Aah, Croydon.


03/05/13 Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Blah, blah, blah, 'brand awareness', 3D, idiots, token black guy, terrible.

The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a film that has never deserved its position of reverence, as it's a poorly made, badly acted, unscary, moronic piece of shit. Any sequel or related film since has been progressively worse. Even the one with Bridget Jones in it.

Looks like he's got a spiky metal cock. Would've improved the film if he had.